It's a story about Love, Nuclear Waste, and New Jersey....

 The Toxic Avenger: The Musical

        As musicals go, I normally don't care for them. But when you include Citizen Toxie? You have my attention.

        For me, the Toxic Avenger was one of the first Troma movies as well as first real B-grade shlock-fest film that made it impossible for me to watch normal movies. In fact, I still own my original VHS tape I picked up sometime around 1992. Then a couple of years ago, I read that they were making a 'broadway musical' version of Toxic Avenger and I longed to see it. And thanks to youtube.com, I now have. And you can too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYv5vsaxqQs&ab_channel=bluegirl

           It's a re-telling of  Toxie's story, so don't get butt-hurt about some of the changes made. The entire play is written to be fun and dumb. But mostly fun. It's also funny and doesn't take itself too serious, even if the actors are acting their ass off. There's never a dull, slow part of the play, and at 2 hours, it's actually around 40 minutes longer then the original film. And I didn't even mind the singing. Watching this musical alone made up for all the other absolute trash I watched this year. All I've really learned is you can't trust a cool movie name.

    And that's it. 31 days, 31 movies, almost all crap. There were some surprises including Ahockalypse, Trailer Park Shark, and oddly, Pulgsari. Let's do this again in a year, but for now I'm going to read a comic book or something.

Rock Bottom.....

 Monsturd

        An escaped convict is running from police in a sewer and falls into a pool that's highly toxic and he dies. Unbeknownst to him, a dumb evil scientist dumped a 55 gallon drum of acid he had previously used to dispose of a body of a former coworker that got um...poopy? 

                                

       As with all movies as such, we know what happens next: Giant killer poo monster, bad acting, gross special effects, and a LOT of poop jokes. For example: Jack Schmidt was the name of the convict that is eventually turned into the poo monster. Heh...hope you like the color brown...

        But all is not lost. There's a plan to stop its murderous reign of sneaking up peoples toilets and murdering them while they're making miniature versions of that guy below.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your monster.

It was flies. They uses flies to kill the beast of turden. Whatever it takes to get those credits rolling

Tuesday: The Fabulous Final 'Film'...

But why did they have to have Barry Melrose?!?

 Ahockalypse

What do hockey and zombies have in common? 

Nothing. But they made this movie anyway

        A minor league hockey time has just won its championship and is immediately attacked by zombies that downed a bunch of energy drinks. It's a crucial story of survival and nothing but hockey references and stereotypes. But relax...it's funny, goofy, and a much needed change of pace. If you like zombie movies and a ton of hockey references, this is for your. If none of those things are for you, you're really going to wish you watched it anyway because the next movie is a turd...

Monday: Oh poopy!!!

That is NOT a Damn Doll...

 Doll Shark

        Some dipshit standing in front of a green screen acting bad at acting professes his hate for a demon shark. So he kills it, and steals a tooth for his son. The shark laughs at him menacingly as it escapes. The dipshit is NOT a good shark killer. The father, not having EVER seen a horror movie in his entire life, puts the shark tooth inside a stuffed animal shark and sends it to his son for his birthday gift. Demon Sharkularity ensues and naturally, it starts killing everyone but the kid. I would like to note that a stuffed animal is NOT doll. And a very NOT scary one at that. Once the fluffy shark is defeated, dear daddy took the tooth out of the toy...and threw it back into the ocean because HE'S STILL COMPLETELY IGNORANT TO HORROR MOVIE RULES. Damn it, what'd you do that for?!? Nobody wants a sequel to this shart of a film! And that's how sequels happen!!!

        So this is how I end Shark Week®? Another shit-show featuring grown-ass adults getting killed by a stuffed animal? Another bad example of shark CGI? I love sharks in implausible situations, but I need more than a cool title and badass movie poster. Maybe a story not put together by the local convince store clerks and community theater rejects? Maybe it's time for a new animal theme...

Sunday: The final 3

A Movie That Pushes You To The Edge....

Jersey Shore Shark Attack

        I love it when the title makes it easy root for the shark.The entire movie is just a spoof of the Jersey Shore lifestyle, or more accurately, how it's fed to us. Do you really care that off shore oil drilling is attracting the sharks? No, we're happy of that fact. Do we care about the social conflict between the Guidos and the Biebers? No. What we need is a resilient shark that can eat all of that HGH-laced beefcake and silicone. One that can handle a nearly infinite amount of bronzing spray and pomade. Something that can survive MTV circa 2012.

Simply put, shark...

Sadly, some of the vapid idiots survive, so it's more of a sad ending. But don't be too sad; there was a formidable body count and I'll take it as win.

This Cast!!!:

Tony Sirico

Joey Fatone

William Atherton

Paul Sorvino

Sonny Carl Davis aka Rabbit from Evil Bong...yeah, that fucking guy....

Saturday: Final stupid shark movie of the year!...but we've yet to hit rock bottom yet....

The Theory of Evolution, and its Social Counter-point....

Shark Shock a.k.a Trailer Park Shark

        In the humble trailer park community of Soggy Meadows lives a man with a dream. A dream to live in a house without wheels. A dream of owning a house with a basement. But evil lurks in the shadows, planning the entire community's demise for the sole purpose of greed. And there's a shark. So grab a cold one, fry up some mayonnaise  sammiches, and watch a story about pain, triumph, and another fresh water shark.

        Evil land baron wants to rid himself of a trailer park that he owns in order make room for some hydroelectric plant. He does so by blowing up a levee which in turn floods the park. It also somehow allows a shark in and it immediately stalks all the surviving members of the trailer park. To make matters worse, evil land baron sends in a clean up crew to get rid of anyone who survived the flood. Oh, AND the shark has gained the power of electricity and uses it to subdue victims and disable jet skis. This damn script wrote itself!

Sadly, the movie isn't perfect: Tara Reid makes a cameo. Does anyone remember why she's semi-famous? No worries, the shark eats her. No idea if it was able to keep her down.

        It's goofy, somewhat funny, and so far the best shark movie on this years list. It was truly a breath of fresh air.

Friday: We all know to root for the shark, right?

It's Where The Monsters Go

 Nightbreed: The Director's Cut
1990

Okay, I'm a little annoyed. I just bought this digital edition only to discover it's literally the same movie Prime Video offers free. It's been a long time since I watched this flick so I can't really tell if they've misslabelled the film. I'm not motivated enough to dig into it any further so...

As you know, this is based on Clive Barker's "Cabal" - a novella in the Books of Blood series. Cabal is hands down my favorite story. I read it long after seeing the movie and now seeing the film again just makes me love the novella more. I read a rumor that they were going to remake Nightbreed and I was apprehensive. Now I wish they would because the movie (or at least the version I just watched) leaves out some things that were important to certain aspects of Boone's transformation.

For instance, it's true that Boone seeks Decker's help because he has night terrors - intense nightmares where he's chased by monstrous creatures - but also because he can't be physically intimate with his girlfriend Lori. In the novella, Lori is one of the few people - if not the only person - that Boone has in his life. Her devotion to him is palpable and it aggrieves him that he can't consummate their relationship. When he dies and is reborn, he laments that he can't give her the life they deserved together (read: a family). All of this is glossed over in this cut, including the fact that they end up making love for the first time in the jail cell after she accepts him.

Anywho, I had like two pages of notes on this but now I'm pissed that I paid to watch the same movie i just saw free. Instead, I include some random observations:

Peloquin - the Midianite whose bite is the catalyst for Boone's transforation - was always sexy to me. However, I never noticed before that he's dressed kind of like a pirate.

I'm still trying to figure out what made the dog-carrying dude a Midianite. He looked hella normal to me.

There's a point in the film, while she is going Trespasser Karen in Midian, where Lori touches a wall and it bounces. Gotta love rubber sets.

Decker was very soft spoken. That right there should have been a dead give away that he was the killer.

I need Rachel's gray hooded lace cloak.

The movie that ruined Shark Week Hump Day...

 Sharks of the Corn

        Yeah, the title just doesn't work for me. And who the fuck is Steven Kang? It takes big brass balls to put your name on this cinematic abomination. 

        Dumb plastic shark, ass-loads of stock footage that's better than the actual filmed parts. Half an hour into this and you'll be begging for the stock footage. It's the only thing that makes sense in this trainwreck. The movie is all over the place and I can't keep up! Theres sharks 'swimming' in the corn, eating people, Bigfoot shows up for no reason, I think there's a shark themed serial killer that's possessed by a shark? There's some side story money, thugs, and a briefcase, Stonehenge....ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!....and it goes on for an hour and 45 minutes! Why so damn long? I nearly fell asleep twice sitting through this crapfest. Who needs melatonin when you have this giant sleeping pill? And the climax, if you want to call it that, was a wet greasy fart. This movie is Quaalude-incarnate! You pricks are giving shark week a bad name!!!

Thursday: Shocking!!!!...

More Idiots, More Sharks...

Jurassic Shark 2

        Watching this movie served no other purpose than to feed my incessant need to watch sequels. 

        The big shark is still out there, and is being tracked by the same people that let it out in the first movie. More drilling, more evil corporate idiots, more non-evil-corporate idiots...I guess that just makes them regular idiots. This damn shark can't kill enough of them. Really, there's nothing more to this movie. It's bad, boring, and even though it's a stiff breeze at 70 minutes, it's still too long. Be the better person and avoid this.

Wednesday: I just don't get the title....

Say perhaps to drugs....

 Conaine Shark

      In our opening scene, some dork steals a lame-named drug called HT25 and it's made from sharks. Sounds awesome but it has side effects for the sharks that include mutations. Mutations like Crab Shark!

Handsome!

Bat shark!

Mouthy!

And Sharpedo!

120hp!!!

        This entire story also revolves around an under cover cop infiltrating a shark drug gang. I don't know what this Miami Shark Vice storyline has to do with any of these mutations, but it's happening. I only know that not enough people are dying of shark attacks! Everyone involved in the making of this tightly packed coil of cinematic mastery should be deported to France.

Disclaimer: None of the mutant sharks ever snort coke. Utter twat-wafflery.

Tuesday: Sequels are always better, right? RIGHT???

The tradition continues...

Jurassic Shark 

           This is getting to be a tradition. Every year I find 7 bad shark movies and dump them on you. So let's get this started

       Fake scientists argue amongst themselves if they're drilling too deep for oil. One was right, and there was an explosion that destroyed the lab/refinery and thankfully every bad actor in that scene. Of course this means that a megalodon from a million years ago is awakened and we now know who to root for. Soon we cut to thieves running from the law with a stolen painting. Two of them are eaten by a shark after they capsize on a boat because boat getaways always work on the mainland. Then some semi-hawt workbuddies show up to do some beaching and one of them is eaten and I'm so damn proud of this shark. They run into the thieves and decide to both make their way out of the forest. However the pact doesn't last long and the thieves force the dimwits-in-distress to rescue the painting from the lake. I guess it's a fresh water shark. Several more people get eaten including the ring leader and sadly 2 dimbos survive. Bummer!

Right on, brother! Nom on!

Monday: Sharks sure do like cocaine...

Woof Woof...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I don't think he's part of the union....

 Maniac Cop 3

        Voodoo priest raises the dead cop and it's time for murder spree!!!!

        Cops doing cops things, failing terribly. One nutjob in particular robs pharmacy  and attempts to do every drug in the place while over-acting and killing 3 cops while wounding 1 badly. That cop is rushed to the hospital and declared brain dead. 2 scummy reporters film the whole thing and use it to frame the wounded cop and tarnish her name. But not on Maniac Cops beat! He kills the nurse, doctor, and some rando by means of defibrillator, x-ray machine, and duck hunt!

        Next up, Maniac Cop wacks the 2 reporters responsible for the veggie-cop. Good cop:) ! Releases the druggie that robbed the pharmacy and killed 3 officers. Bad cop:( ! Detective McKinney kills escaped druggie. Good Cop:) ! Maniac Cop kidnaps Veggie-Cop. Very BAD cop:(!

        Maniac Cop wants the voo-doo-doo priest to resurrect Veggie Cop in the same way he was. However, her soul does not want to come back and M-dawg throws a massive hissy fit and kills the priest, catching her and himself on fire in the process. This is the third time in as many movies that The Big M has been set on fire. Boy likes being burned, the weirdo. After a completely unnecessary car chase, Maniac is blown up with on oxygen tank. Did I mention he was on fire the ENTIRE TIME?!?

    The end, for now. Hell, the movie is over 30 years old so a sequel isn't likely. But never rule out a reboot.

Friday:

"My name is Band....Charles Band. and I make 'movies'

 Barbie & Kendra Storm Area 51

        There's a man named Charles Band. He makes movies for Full Moon Features. He's also OWNS Full Moon Features and that makes it a lot easier to be a director of your own movie. He's responsible for all Puppet Master, Evil Bong, and crap-ton of other really bad movies. And he's also reponsible for this:

        Nitwit vapid bimbos act stupid in front of a green screen while action scenes from other movies play in the background. That is until the MST3K-esq voice over begins and the silliness starts. Don't worry about the plot, it's all over the place and that's going  happen when you mash classic trash movies together like The Day Time Ended and Space Thing. That's the short story. There's no long story because the plot is just witty dialog and boob jokes. And lots of boobs.

        Truthfully, I love these movies. When I was young in the 90's, I watched MST3K every chance I got and this reminds me of that and I'm also a sucker for spoof movies. No, it's not drop-dead funny, but you'll smile and it's only 50 minutes.  

        One thing of note...they never ACTUALLY storm Area 51. They just sat and watched TV.

Saturday: This is going to be a hairy one....

Gutter bawls!!!!

 Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama 2

        Jesus tap dancing Sally, Full Moon, can you not make a full 90 minute movie anymore?

        Idiot bimbo "college" students are gearing up for a pledge night party. Odd that they're still in college , since most of these bimbos are in their 30s, but hey!  Movie Magic! Anyway, one of the original cast members returns to warn the current sorority leader about a curse placed on the house because of the events in the first movie. She laughs it off, walks away and that means it's time for a shower scene....that's censored. Tubi does not care about nudity so I'm not sure why the hell they did that considering there's very clearly nipples in other scenes.

        Meanwhile a trio of idiots with peens start watching the 'babes' via spy cameras they installed earlier. Must have a thing for MILFs. They get busted and are forced to drive the women to a bowling alley. Not a night club, a fucking bowling alley. YES>-- I know it's in the title of the movie, but wouldn't a night club be a better idea? Once the group of dunder-heads commit breaking and entering (because it's closed, nobody bowls anymore), it's time to dance bowl!!! Somehow they find beer and all of the sexual predators get to live out their 'hot for teacher' moment. Or was it hot step mommy moment? Whatever, where is that damn monster?!? 30 minutes (halfway) through the movie and no bloodshed!

        Finally after 36 minutes, the monster show's itself!...and it's a fucking silicone hand puppet. 

        As a thanks for freeing him, the imp grants wishes...but we all know that wish-givers are complete dicks.  All the granted wishes are horribly flawed: One of the peens wants to be a famous wrapper, so the imp turns him into a candy bar wrapper and eats him. The other peen wants 'shit-tons of cash, brah!" and shits himself to death, spraying money out of his ass...ect...ect...ect...still no blood yet....

        ....and there won't be any. The stupid imp is put back in his bottle prison by going all Rumpelstiltskin after having his name, Harold, said out loud.

        This is obviously a far cry from the original, which was bad enough in it's own right. But that was an '80s boob movie and we accepted that and stayed up late on Friday and Saturday nights to watch it on Cinemax. But this film? This isn't fit to stream.

Thursday: The 3rd and final sequel of a franchise nobody knew about....

I miss the '80s

Meh-ow..or something.....

Cocaine Cougar

        Yes...this is a rip-off of Cocaine Bear. And I'm fine with this. We knew this was going to happen. The world (mostly just me) loves bad movies and every year I look forward to seeing just how dumb they can get. And this is no exception....

        I'll be brief because this movie is brief, clocking in at 50 whole damn minutes: An L.A. County lab has lost track of one of it's black cougars. And what did the big kitty do as soon as it got out of prison? Score some damn Bolivian Marching Powder. Booger sugar. Blow. Flake. Tropical snow. You get the idea. Kitty likes it's coka!!!

        Giant bulk of this movie is stock footage with dumb, ham-fisted action. Stars? You don't know anyone in this movie. But you know who's missing from this? A REAL cougar. 

That look real to you? Of course not!!!

        Not only is it CGI, it's 1996 Transformers Beast Wars CGI. Ya know what? Fuckit, I'm calling it Cheetor from here on. As far as I'm concerned, Cheetor couldn't kill enough of these people to satisfy me. But worst of all? There was no ending! It just dropped off like a kid drops a toy they're no longer interested in. Just drop it on the floor and walk out the room. I would suggest the writers do a lot of drugs before starting on their next script. If they can stretch out House Shark for 112 minutes, why the hell couldn't they get at least 60 minutes out of this? Just throw whatever at that script, the crazier the better. It's not like we have high expectations on the quality of this film, the title alone being my proof.

 

Wednesday: Do women really still join sororities?

Over the hump we go....

 Invasion of the Bee Girls

        From the deepest parts of the '70s comes this really crappy movie about secret government project that turns women into sexual predators. No, for reals! Guys start dropping off like flies from the same thing over and over: Congestive heart failure. The reason why? They're getting fucked to death by women that have been doped up with a super-serum made from bees!

        As the police, special agent Agar,  and local doctors investigate, it becomes clear there's only one solution: Abstinence. Yeah, telling people not to have sex always works. Naturally the town-folk tell them the get bent and continue doing things with their ugly parts. Seeing how that didn't work, they send in the military to quarantine the town. Guess how well that worked?

        Anyhoo, special agent Agar suddenly becomes a scientist and starts researching insect mating habits. Whether or not this helps his investigation is pretty clear when he fails to develop an 'ah-ha' moment. Instead, it was more like he just watched a bunch of entomology porn while another guy is humped to death with Rimsky-Korsakov's Scheherazade is playing in the background.

        There's also a scene that shows the Bee-girl making process and FFS it drag this movie to a grinding halt! It's a stupid boring scene that doesn't fit in with the rest of the movie.

        Eventually, Special Agent Agar moves in and destroys the equipment used to make that last scene overly boring and finally ends the movie, giving us the release we deserve. After 80-some minutes of this crapfest, I feel like I should be given a medal for surviving it.

Tuesday: Hot Cougar Action!!!

How to confuse holidays...

 Beasterday: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell        

           This is what happens when smart asses makes movies. It's a horror story about a 30ft easter bunny. But it's also a comedy. So it's a Horromedy? Whatevs, it's a story about a gigantic rabid bunny killing people in the most ridiculous ways possible.  It just kills, doesn't eat. Duh...rabbits are vegetarian. To stop the reign of what-the-fuck-ever is a rag-tag team of under achievers working for a company called A Dog Catcher In The Rye. Cute. Anyhoo, this teams includes a small town guy with a massive inferiority complex and an actor that WISHES she was good enough to be washed up. Everyone, including the mayor, is in complete denial (well, except for the victims). It's up to a complete idiot to stop the stupid rabbit and it's dumb reign of kinda terror...by dressing up like a carrot and luring it into a trap.

It's dumb. It's dumb and kinda humorous. But mostly dumb.

Monday: Another poorly done classic....

Of Diamonds and the Undead

 Zombies of Mora Tau

        This is an oldie from 1957 that reads a lot like an episode of Scooby Doo: A ship rocking some diamonds sinks in the way back olde times, before the turn of the century. Part of the original crew happened upon some sort of sacred ground and found a cask full of diamonds. They tried to bring them back to the ship but were killed by the other half of the crew because of greed. The dead crew became zooooombies and killed everyone standing and then sank the ship, diamonds included. Multiple expeditions have tried to salvage the diamonds, but each one has failed because the ship is cursed. Or rather, the diamonds are protected by a zombie crew that just kills everyone who attempts. 

        This new expedition filled with the latest victims meets with the zombie captains (kinda) widowed wife and she explains the situation and her motives: Raise the diamonds, then destroy them to end the curse and free her husband and crew. She was nice enough to preemptively dig some graves in anticipation for their failure. It was a smart move because one was killed in the first 5 minutes.

This is her grave collection. She collects them.

        Typical b&w drive in horror film and short at only 70 minutes but it'll feel longer. During one of the dives, it seem to become procedural and really drags the movie down, but I guess this week plot needed some garbage time. It's not as fun as some of the later sci-fi drive-ins but it's one I somehow missed and tonight I rectified that. Blah.

Saturday: This is why middle aged hipsters die in horror films.....

How to murder your friends and alienate enemies...

 I'm Just Fucking 

OOooOOOo a Hulu original!!!

        Ah half-wit middle aged hipster and his sister are in town to go to an ex girlfriend's wedding. As he checks into hotel he meets Chester, the night shift. Chester is a practical joker and likes to put people in really awkward situations and at the last minute, blurts out the movie title. He's annoying at first, then second, and by the 3rd time rolls around Chester has murdered a biker, the original owners of the hotel, a cop, and his sister. He's clearly a serial sociopath that likes killing people. 

        And that's really it all there is to this. A movie that tries to be psychological but in reality it's 81 minutes of nothing but cringe with a wet fart of an ending. It's not a battle of wits, it's a battle of twits. The final scene draws out the 'zinger..oooh, gotcha!!' so long, I sighed. I. SIGHED.  This is hard to watch. Harder than watching mmmmmost of the Puppet master movies. Watch something else.

Sunday: Believe it or not, this will NOT be my rock bottom this year...

From Dear Leader with Love...and Famine...and Kidnap...

 Pulgasari

        This film has a lot of baggage. First, it was produced by Kim Jong II, future dictator of North Korea. It was made during the great famine of the 1990s, where anywhere up to 1 million people died due to starvation. The director was kidnapped from South Korea so he could make films for Kim Jong...like I said, a LOT of baggage

        The film is based on the legend of Bulgasari, a metal eating giant chimera. It's also based on an earlier film of the same name made in South Korea. I can only assume the name change was to separate the two. There's no way Dear Leader would give South Korea credit for anything.

        This take place in a much earlier time when kung-fu bandits ruled the countryside. The daughter of the village blacksmith is tending to her chores when she learns her cousin is actually one of those bandits! Her father, the cousin's only real father figure, disapproves and shows great disappointment that he can no longer let him marry his daughter...as a reminder, they are FIRST cousins. Yeah, I know...things were different back then but this movie was written in the 90s and it's a dumb monster movie. We don't need that kind of realism. Because the bandits are so good, the local government is forcing the blacksmith make weapons out of all the farming tools, pots, pans, and other items made of metal. The blacksmith steals it back and is thrown in jail and starved. People starving in North Korea because a merciless dimwitted leader chose weapons over food? How'd that get by the censors.

        Anyhoo, Starvin' Marvin creates Pulgasari totem and blesses it with his death and his daughter bleeds on it, awakning our Kaiju star. Game. On.

        It's no surprise that rampages are pretty benign. It's feudal times and there's not much in line of tall buildings to smash or miniature tanks to stomp. As it starts eating metal, it starts growing and growing. Since the country folk are tired of the provincial government, they decidei to kill the local leader with the help of our metal munching friend. Then it dies, then it's rewakend, then the villagers have to kill it because its diet requires a LOT of iron. Our damsel in distress, who has a blood link with the monster, sacrifices herself by hiding in a bell that Puli-G eats. She dies, he dies and everything turns to dust. The End.

        There are theory's that this was a jaded attempt to exemplify the pitfalls of capitalisms, but there's just too many parallels to DPK's own government history to really believe that. It really works against Sung's, Jong's, and Un's ideals. Those ideas being take food from your people to build better weapons.

Thursday: Sequel time!!!

Everyone needs a hero...but in this case they need a coroner...

 Maniac Cop 2: Electra Glide Boogaloo

        What can I say? It's a sequel to a movie about a cop with a deformed face and nuclear levels of PTSD. In our last film, he's shown impaled by a huge pole and driven into the ocean. Everyone assumed he died, but nope, Officer Cordell is on the loose again, killing pretty much everyone. Even good clean cops, even store clerks that are being robbed. I would go as far as to say primarily innocent people and this asshole is the biggest victim shamer there is! He even befriends a rapist!

"Time to victimize the victims!!!"

    And that's really the movie in a nutshell: Kill Kill Kill!!!  Stab Stab Stab!!!  Got a kitty-cat stuck in a tree, little girl? This dickehads solution would be to get the cat, hang it by its neck, and impale the little girl on a branch. When I'm rooting for the everyone BUT the monster...ya got one bad film there.  And better than all of that is the end! Somehow this dick-chin got buried with full honors in the same damn graveyard as all the other good cops he killed. It REALLY tidies up the whole film.

All star cast!

Bruce Campbell!...dies in the first 20 minutes.

Robert Z'Dar's chin!

Robert Davi, everyone's favorite ensemble character actor that plays a cop or wise guy!

Claudia Christian and her always surprised eyebrows!

Danny Trejo playing, you guessed it, a prisoner! 

Friday: Not going to lie, this ones a snoozer....

A return to my favorite city in Jersey...

 Class of Nukem High 3

    Finally, some sanity has returned to our realm. The world owes Lloyd Kaufman a debt of gratitude. Needless to say, I'll be quick about this one because it's 0% meat and 100% insanity. 

        Our film starts with a giant rampaging squirrel. Welcome back to Tromaville. After its quick defeat, we're given a flashback of the second movie, the equally insane Class of Nukem High 2. That takes a really long time! 25 minutes before we get to the regular story. And trust me...there's no need to pay close attention to the story. That's the magic of a Troma film: Zero expectations of a good plot so you won't be disappointed. Bad acting, over acting, nuclear waste jokes, and a helicopter trying to feed a giant poison acorn to a giant nuclear squirrel all in the first 5 minutes.

    All I can really say is there's plenty over the top violence, lots of bewbs, whacky silliness, 'jokes', and...did I mention bewbs? Yeah, there's a lot of that. Like I said, ignore the plot and welcome the chaos.

All Star cast includes:

Brick Bronski

Tromie The Mutant Squirrel

...and the rapist Ron Jeremy. Ewwww!!

Wednesday: One from north of the 38th parallel...

Rock n Roll Octopus or Octopus made of stone?

 Rocktapussy

        The full title of this film is Astonishing Tales Of Terror: Rocktapussy! But fuck thats a long title. Rocktapussy will do.

        A long time ago, miners stumble upon a new chamber while doing mining things and wake up what's clearly a octopus in the bedrock, surrounded by acid-ink spewing horseshoe crabs. Only one survives. Time to bring out the strippers!!!....seriously, the next scene is in a modern day stripclub. But the jokes on you because the main dancer is actually a news reporter doing undercover work. But she was still in a bikini and thong. Seems like an extreme way to get the story but we just saw a tentacle  in an underground cavern with no water or any way to gather sustinunce. We're not working with a strong script.

        Speaking of weak scripts, our story finally gains some traction: At the same mine, 50 years later, a presentation is underway to show a new form of mining with lazzzooors but is interrupted by crazy old man who warns them not to mine in that area and then just detonates himself all over the walls and everyone else. As the victims regroup and make their escape, we're treated to a crappy dungeon crawl fill with lava, unnecessary personal dramady, and...of FFS, ancient tombs. Hail Mary's, lazzzooor grenades, ancient rituals, side boob, and junk science. Needless to say, this movie got waaaay off base and I'm rooting for the rocktapus because this shitshow needs to end. Sadly, the hell lasts for 90 minutes and you might start a game of Pokemon Live to help you through this. I can't even make fun of this movie properly. Blah!

Tuesday: Alma maters suck....

Southern hospitality and botany....

 Attack of the Southern Fried Zombies

        This is a warning about kudzu...a plant imported to help with soil erosion that has taken over the south. Everything is covered in it now. There, you were warned.

        A trio of redneck crotch fruit are wandering around the country side drinkin' beer, smoking weed, talkin' bout things and stuff. They stop at some old hipppies place and find him mostly dead...but alive enough to bite one of the teens in the arm because 'surprise', he's now a zombie. Probably because of the anti-kudzu defoliant they're dumping all over the place. Seriosly, this is an unofficial remake of Toxic Zombies, and just as bad. Anyhoo, the bitten teen starts feeling bad, then worse, then nothing at all. Then comes the zombie phaze of the bite and it's all rednecks vs. zombies starting with a festival in town. As the party spills over to the country side, you realize how boring this motive is and start watching youtube video on the side. 

        There's way to many post-credit scenes for a movie this crappy. The good news is, it does eventually end and you never have to watch it again.

Monday: The title is too long....

'From The Producer Of Twilight' is NOT a good movie promo tag...

 Hansel & Gretel Get Baked

 

Thereby proving that producers are not always right

Whoa whoa whoa...Cary Elwes, Yancy Butler, and Lara Flynn Boyle?!? Diamond in the rough?

NO

        I guess a weed movie was inevitable, despite Evil Bong ending its history 8 "film" run. Movies like this annoy me but I still employ them for just this one time of the year. It always seems like its acted by people that have never been stoned or by a director thats never been around a hippy. Maybe since I've not been scared of a horror movie since I was a kid, I subconsciencly fill that need with green movies like this?  That's for a therapist to decide. In the mean time...

        While smoking up the newest, greatest bud, a BF and GF decide to make brownies or some shit and need more weed to do it. Off the BF goes to buy weed from his source only to be told his pusher is out. So pusher sends him to his source which is a little old lady in Pasadena (I'm not kidding about that). While hanging with the hag played by Lara Flynn Boyle, she steps out of the room to gather his stash warning him to not touch the gingerbread house. *When a spooky old lady selling weed tells you not to touch her gingerbread house....DON'T FUCKING TOUCH HER DAMN GINGERBREAD HOUSE!!!* She'll eat you...starting with your dick (if applicable). That sets off a chain of events including missing persons (because she ate the BF), Yancy Butler of Police Squad, street gangs, and witchery. Yeah, turns out the little old lady is a witch and is ALSO eating the soul essence of younger people to get young an pretty again. But Lara's getting up there in years and MILF is the best she can hope for.

        It's really a rather boring movie and the climax is predictable with the witch seemingly killed. Spoiler, she's not because she was keeping a horcrux in her pet cat? Whatever, the's not going to be a sequel so who cares.

        OH, and about the roll Cary Elwes played: In the very beginning, he was a meter reader for the local power company who started sniffing around and got dragged to his death. That's it. What a waste of talent.

Sunday: Rednecks and zombies....great...just great....

Technically, there was more than one spider...

 Lavalantula

Yep, found your problem right there....

        While stuck in traffic on his way home from being fired off the set of a future theatrical bomb, a volcano erupts and a spider that violates everything known about lava begins it's reign of terror by scaring the bajeepers out of our sad, sad protagonist. Yes, we have a Sharknado clone and Fin makes a cameo to reinforce that sad fact.

IT'S BRO-TIME, BRAH!!!

        Steve Gutenberg trying his best to be a badass. Nobody's buying it, Mahoney!!! Oh look...you threw a Michael Winslow a bone!  Don't get me wrong, he's being self-depreciating, and it's just adorbs. Making fun of his washed-up career by playing a washed up actor. 

        Look, we've seen these movies before (or at least I have...a lot).  There's nothing really new here other than the storyline and cast. It's Hail Marys and pseudo science with a LOT of bad acting and questionable CGI. It's a movie best watched hungover on a late January Saturday or Sunday afternoon. The spiders look decent, but it's no Industrial Light & Magic. The acting is...well...it has Gutenberg, Winslow, and Peeples. You tell me what happens when put those three in the same film.

So to summarize:

Steve Gutenberg playing Geve Stutenberg!

Nia People's veiny cleavage!

Patrick Renna looking almost exactly like he did 30 years ago with an ever-so punchable face!

Seriously, I wanna to punch him in his weird face.

Saturday: Most people prefer gummies to cookies....

Was radio really like this in the early '90s?

 Bad Channels

        A hapless washed-up disk jockey is running a contest in a radio station located in the middle of no where. Once the contest is over, a local reporter played by MARTHA FUCKING QUINN calls 'BULLSHIT' and an argument ensues that really went nowhere. Then they both see strange lights in the sky and we have ourselves a really crappy alien invasion!!! And the DJ said it the best when he proclaimed to his audience that the alien looked like a turd with portal window.

He's not wrong. That does look like a turd.

         The alien and its stupid robot take over the local radio station in order kidnap people via electromagnetic radio waves or some such. It's really strange...the alien finds a victim by 'tuning' into specific listeners and um...sends them a beam that puts them right in the middle of a music video. Naturally, everyone around only sees them in a trance. Then POOF...the poor dumb victim is suddenly materialized into a small jar. All of this seems completely unnecessary and it's never really explained WHY the stupid alien was taking the women. 

        Not is all lost, however: It turns out our alien has a weakness to common household disinfectant. So Lysol saves the day? Are you fucking kidding me? That's a bigger copout than finding out a combination lock's combination is 1-2-3...and yes, that really happened in this movie. It's hard to believe that Spielberg passed on this screenplay....

So to sum this up:

Pros:     Marth Heck Darn Quinn!..though she's really over acting in this film

             Dollman cameo!

Con: Practically everything else about this film

Friday: It's an 8-legged volcano asshole....

The absolute worst movie title to Google....

 Porno

        Do you know how hard it is to search for this movie on Google? WITHOUT getting massive amounts of porn links?!? And don't get me started on Image Search....

        Picture this if you will: It's 1990-something, you live an a Gawd-faring town, and you work in movie theater that plays NOTHING controversial.  While digging in the basement  you find a mystery reel and decide to play it. Surprise!!! It's the PORNS!!!....and watching it releases a succubus...eventually...

        In the mean time, the whole movie falls flat on its face when a gay jock decides NOW is the best time to have his sexual awakening and they also find out that the owner not only has a boner for Jesus, but also hidden bathroom camera videos.  But have no fear, the unnamed succubus makes the theate owner her first victim by giving him some ass-play right before ripping his dick off. Not long after that, she makes the second-in-command's balls explode. I really don't think this lady likes weiners. If you think that's cringe-worthy (you'd be right), you also get a full on visual of the wound triage that is startlingly realistic.

        Eventually a plan is hatched to counter the succubi and this makes you happy because the movie is boring, unfunny, and NOT scary. No further details needed and no .gifs because searching for them on Google is overwhelming and maybe a little too distracting...

....man, worst of all it wasn't even a good porn. It was more like a cheap Dario Argento knock-off...

Thursday: Must See TV?....

Clowns do not make good meteorologists...

 Clownado    

NOTHING this cool happens in this movie. NOTHING.

        Fucking clowns....I hate clowns. I hate clowns that think I'm afraid of them or have some phobia. I don't. I just think they're stupid. And yet, here I am, watching this cinematic bowel movement because I CHOSE to. What was I thinking?!?

       The wife of a traveling clown show has an affair with a twatty dork. When the husband catches them together, he makes it look like she killed her overly-hairy lover. After using blackmail and  humiliation as a means to cover up her crime,, she has a friend cast a spell to create some stupid wind storm to wipe them all out. 

        Then a black Elvis impersonator shows up...more unnecessary bewbs, a bar fight, a very confused Elvis impersonator...finally, the movie lives up to its title: The vanquished clowns now travel in a tornado and exact revenge on those that wronged them. Somehow they stretched this out to 1 hour, 40 minutes. I think at one point a guy was eaten by a clown vigina...one of the clowns also gave birth to a mini-clown...this only makes me hate clowns more. Did I mention that bullets can still kill the clowns? Yeah, ghost clowns are not immune to bullets!

        Naturally to defeat the "clownado", they have to use pseudo-science with an airplane and a tank of liquid nitrogen. And by the way, I've never seen so many people panic about LN. They treat it like a nuke or some sort of nasty biohazard. It's in a secure tank, IT'S NOT THAT DANGEROUS!!!

 The kill count is marred by the fact that used runny blood and sprayed it everywhere. There was a lot of nipples in this movie and they seem to forget that if I want to see bewbs, I just go to the internet. Duh. 

Fudge it, I'm moving on.

Wednesday: An unnecessary sequel.... 

All stitched up...

 Rock N Roll Frankenstein

        A slimey record exec is tired of fighting and losing his star talent to other managers and decides to MAKE his own rockstar...someone he can own. Don't even need to get into the social implications that entails but for the sake of this dumb movie, I'll shut down that part of my brain.

        Anyhoo, said record exec hires his nephew to help build the next great rock and roll superstar. He's also employing a roadie and his stoner friends to do some good ole fashoned grave robbing to supply body parts. The graves robbed in no particular order: Buddy Holly, Jimi Hendrix, and of course, Elvis Presley.

What you think you're getting...

        While the "assembly" is successful, the Franken Presley naturally develops characteristics of the rockstars he was assembled from including homosextual tendencies because he was put together with Liberace's weiner....because that's how science works.

What you actually get.

        Really, the rest of the movie is about him being gay in some of the most homophobic ways. I mean...it's not like I expected a great journey of discovery and sexual awakenings...the title is Rock n Roll Frankenstein for fuck sake. My expectations were out the door when I read the title. But when you're exposed to it's giant green talking Frankenweiner...you've peaked...even after he rips it off with a hook and chain lift.

Fun fact: This pile of shit had its debut at the 1999 Helsinki International Film Festival....which means absolutely NOTHING!!!

Tuesday: DON'T send in the clowns....