Rocktapussy
The full title of this film is Astonishing Tales Of Terror: Rocktapussy! But fuck thats a long title. Rocktapussy will do.
A long time ago, miners stumble upon a new chamber while doing mining things and wake up what's clearly a octopus in the bedrock, surrounded by acid-ink spewing horseshoe crabs. Only one survives. Time to bring out the strippers!!!....seriously, the next scene is in a modern day stripclub. But the jokes on you because the main dancer is actually a news reporter doing undercover work. But she was still in a bikini and thong. Seems like an extreme way to get the story but we just saw a tentacle in an underground cavern with no water or any way to gather sustinunce. We're not working with a strong script.
Speaking of weak scripts, our story finally gains some traction: At the same mine, 50 years later, a presentation is underway to show a new form of mining with lazzzooors but is interrupted by crazy old man who warns them not to mine in that area and then just detonates himself all over the walls and everyone else. As the victims regroup and make their escape, we're treated to a crappy dungeon crawl fill with lava, unnecessary personal dramady, and...of FFS, ancient tombs. Hail Mary's, lazzzooor grenades, ancient rituals, side boob, and junk science. Needless to say, this movie got waaaay off base and I'm rooting for the rocktapus because this shitshow needs to end. Sadly, the hell lasts for 90 minutes and you might start a game of Pokemon Live to help you through this. I can't even make fun of this movie properly. Blah!
Tuesday: Alma maters suck....
No comments:
Post a Comment