I'll Never Eat Soy Sauce Again

John Dies In The End
(2012)


I can't even describe this movie. Everything I write would either not make sense or give away more than I'd like to. Not all the information is even linear. Watch it.

Okay, well, maybe I'll try to explain a little. After a kegger, Dave's(incredibly hot) friend, John, tries a new  drug called Soy Sauce. Only, this mind-altering experience isn't so much about getting high as it is about opening dimensions, or possession - and that's just the side effects. Anyway, because of it, he and his friend end up in some really strange situations that somehow seem perfectly normal to them...or they do eventually. See what I mean? This needs to be a series. A Good one.

5/5

Horror Families are the BESTEST Families!!!

Dark Shadows

     What little I've watched of the old Dark Shadows soap opera, I felt it creepy and moody and had wanted nothing to do with it. However, when I found out that Tim Burton was doing a full feature film, I was on board. I know he's had his misses, but it's hard to fail when Burton and Depp are involved.

     The story seems typical: A jilted lover kills Barnabas parents, lover, and turns him into a vampire. Then, the bitch has the nerve to get the townspeople to bury him alive in an iron coffin for 196 years. Modern (well sort of, 1972) day construction frees him and he reacquaints himself with his long lost family. I should say that this seems typical as of late, given all the horror treats we've had over the last 15 years. We're not surprised by much anymore.

     

      I'll stop short of calling the plot weak because that's not what this film is selling. This film is selling imagery, nostalgia, and maybe a little Depp. Actually, a lot of Depp. And Depp's masterful dialog. And cleavage. Everyone but the 2 youngest women were literally bursting at the seems. And while everything from wardrobe, lighting, cinematography, and sound were just top notch, there were some things I thought were underutilized. For example, the two ghosts, one of which was Barabas first love. The other was a victim of Angelique, the film antagonist. I would have though both of them would have helped a bit more. Oh, and the nostalgia, thankfully, wasn't ran into the ground like I had thought it might. It was well placed and quirky, but NOT part of the overall story. The soundtrack was also outstanding and there's a kick ass cameo by the ugliest woman known to mankind, Alice Cooper!

     I'm glad I saved this for last. It was the quickest 113 minutes of this season, and my favorite as well. The lack of a proper epilog and a predictable teaser at the end were the only real beefs I had with this film. This, I feel, is a must watch.

    And that's it! 31 features in 31 days. My curiosity for never ending sequels may have been the reason most of my picks were absolutely terrible this year, but as I said on Oct. 1st: This is the only genre that holds the worst in the same regard as the best. And I think this year I've seen both.

But I do have one last bonus I'd like to share with you:

Friday: I'm going to read a fucking book!!!...so god damn tired of movies right now......

Should've Gone With The Craven Flick

The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra
(2004)


Dear God this was boring. It's a spoof of 1950s SciFi films, complete with a ridiculous looking, non-scary monster, a couple of aliens and a talking skeleton. The funniest part of the whole film was when the aliens "disguised" themselves as humans went tried to blend in at an impromptu dinner party. I can't believe this movie has 3.5 stars on Netflix.

A scientist and his wife are tracking a meteor in some backwoods place, at the same time that an alien couple crash-land, and an ambitions doctor of something is hiking, looking for the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra Cave (or was is Canyon?). Everyone wants the chihuahua-size meteor  for their own needs. Through in an escaped alien mutant and you've got yourself a movie. I've seen better 50's spoofs.

 3/5 ONLY because the uninvited guests scenes were hilarious.

Now on to the movie that I waited all year to watch...

Ireland Will Never Be the Same

Rawhead Rex
(1986)


OMG They don't make them like this anymore.

Some Blarney rubes are trying to remove a stone monolith from the middle of one of their fields without much success. After two of the three leave, the third succeeds in loosening the stone giant enough to release Rawhead Rex (in all his shredded gorilla-suit glory). Now, folks in these parts don't tend to move around a lot, so you'd think that someone might have mentioned the legend of a big leather-clad gorilla demon that's scared of women. I'm just saying...

While Rex redecorates a kitchen and snacks on a few folks, an American historian researching fertility cults has run-ins with a creepy local minister, priest...whatever. Father O'Creepy clearly knows something and is basking in the ignorance of everyone else. Meanwhile the bungling police dismiss the Yank, who attempts to move on to Dublin, only to have his son snatched. Here's a though: don't leave your children unattended when a MURDERER is about.

Rex terrorizes a trailer park and the bumbling police drive back and forth looking for him only to be turned to meat themselves. Really, they were completely inept. I mean a freakin' historian solves the mystery. A historian - that's like the least exciting, least 007 job on the planet next to being a reference desk librarian, and yet his skills outrank the whole police force. The police set up a perimeter at the church...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back from the action. Rawhead (which I'm guessing is a euphemism for an erection) seems to get the men all in a tizzy, baptizing at least one of them with his urine, and is ultimately defeated by a fertility statue. Sometimes I wonder about Clive.

On another note, if you want your clothes to smell like they were just washed, use Downy Unstoppables with Downy Infusions. The scent lasts 12 weeks and will make you want to don a dress made form your drapes and run through the meadows yodeling.

Tired of Combusting? Try New Vampisol

Vampires in Havana
(1987)


The son of Dracula invents Vampisol, a potion that allows vampires to walk in the sun, but not all vampires are happy about it so he flees to Cuba. Equal parts gangster movie and vampire flick, this satirical animated comedy is risque and full of bawdy humor and biting sarcasm. 

A vampire in hiding from a powerful undead cabal, treats his beloved nephew for a mysterious condition for years. Little does the nephew know, the condition is actually vampirism. The heads of the elite families back in the old country get wind of his whereabouts, and that he's completed his serum. A schism develops between those who want to use the serum to become all powerful, and those who want to see it destroyed. The latter are making a killing running a fake daylight scenario club (I think in New York) and access to the real deal would bankrupt their racket. Both factions descend on Havana.

Gold chain-wearing gangster vamps.

 Meanwhile Junior has gotten himself mixed up with both local mobsters and the cops, who are all gunning for him. He goes to his uncle for help, who informs him that he is a vampire. He doesn't believe until he is shot but does not die. In the midst of all this is his girlfriend, who's trying (but failing) to be virtuous and get a ring on her finger.

This is actually kind of interesting and funny in a Hispanic Benny Hill kind of way, if you can tolerate subtitles and salsa music.
 4.5/5

Celluloid is wasted on the Young

Salome and The Forbidden

     I'm a fan of Clive Barker. Ever since I saw the first 2 Hellraiser movies, I was hooked. I started reading his books and fell in love with his stories, starting with The Books of Blood. Over the years I've picked up several of his art books and went so far as to have one of them tattooed on my back. It wasn't elaborate, colorful, or 'wicked-awesome'. In fact, it was rather crude. But I always found it sinister, creepy, and dangerous. That was 19 years ago, and I still love it. What does this have to do with tonight's film? Well, they're crude, colorless, and certainly NOT 'wicked-awesome'

     Tonight is a double feature of very early student/indie art films by Clive himself. These simple, grainy films were produced in the '70s and star a very young Doug Bradley (Pinhead!), and Peter Atkins who wrote most of the Hellraiser and Wishmaster films along with that terrible live action Fist of the Northstar film. I'll start with Salome

ART

     First off, I can't get over how much the title looks like 'salami'. Infact, that's how I'm going to pronounce it from here on. I really don't have much to say about it other than it's black and white, has a couple of people, and they do things....very....slowly.....as they all do in every art film EVER. I can't make heads or tails of what the hell is going on or what they're trying to convey. It most certainly ISN'T horror of any kind, unless you take into account how horrifying it is to sit through it. Thankfully, it's short as hell so you won't suffer much. And naturally, critics panned it because they don't get the fact that it's over 35 years old, as well as an experimental film done by a bunch of nobodies. There's no acting because nobody can act. There's no color because nobody has any money. There's no story because nobody can write very well (yet). I think you get the idea, whereas most critics are still clueless. Except for Ebert. He was the best. Next up:

FILMS

The Forbidden

     Ok, this is a bit longer joint. It's all black and white, and to make matters worse, it's done in negative. There's a lot of the same thing going on in this film, but there's a little more horror element to it when you see a man skinned alive. There's also some guy with an erection dancing around like a fool. I'm not making that part up. In fact, there's a lot of some dudes junk in this film.

SUCK

     And that's it. Neither film had dialog, color, story, acting....no ANYTHING. The last 15 minutes are interviews with Barker, Atkins, and Bradley, all still very young when this was filmed. Honestly, I wouldn't bother with watching it unless you're a fan of Barker. And even if you are, you'll notice it's really just some young men playing with a camera so don't get your hopes up.

Thursday: Drama! The Undead! My Final Entry!

Grindhouse?

Werewolves On Wheels
(1971)


What the heck did I just watch?

Some bikers do drugs, fight, drink, get mixed up with a sect of Satanists, and develop lycanthropy  - which does not hamper their ability to ride. Either this was a really shitty movie or that wasn't ibuprofen that I took.

A tarot-reading biker named...Tarot, predicts deaths which no one believes. He leads them to the "real shit" which turns out to be the monastery of a bunch of devil worshiping monks who drug them and try to steal the leader's woman. After some spastic naked go-go dancing with snakes, the girl gets rescued and they split. The next night two turn up dead, probable coyote victims. They drive on, make camp somewhere else, and another member is attacked and barbequed. They head back to do-in the monks only to have a sandstorm magical sweep them off the highway and deposit them in the middle of the desert - I kid you not. They make camp again, where two turn into werewolves and get served. They growl like baby lions and one of them tries to make a getaway on a motorcycle. I'm not even going to try to interpret the end of this.

Whoever wrote this was really fucking stoned, though it would probably have made an interesting comic.

Baron Samedi...Is a Puffer Fish?

Grimm
"Ungrateful Dead"
(2013)


Almost forgot about this. It's only as episode but I'm counting it. I had no intention of watching this, but Hulu has a habit of starting new TV programs when you reach the credits of what you were viewing. Thus, Once Upon A Time begat Grimm.

Since I don't watch the show I had no idea what was going on but it was easy to understand most of it. Baron Samedi (the Haitian Voodoo Loa) is a tetrodotoxin-spitting puffer fish-like creature, who makes zombies and is wreaking general havoc in the Portland area. This turns out to be a distraction so that he can assist in kidnapping the Grimm for one of the Royals (your guess is as good as mine). There was also de-powered witch side story.

Baron Samedi: he was scarier in Live and Let Die.

The thing about Grimm is, I want to like it, but every "storybook creature" is really just some kind of were-animal - and they don't even discriminate. There are weremice, werefoxes, weresheep, werepigs, witches are some kind of were, werebees, even werefish. Sure they may not call them that, but I recognize a were when I see one.

He Has A Soul Now?

Pumpkinhead 2: Blood Wings
(1994)


This was my very first Pumpkinhead movie so it will always have a very special place in my heart. That said, it takes a slight detour from the mythos established in the first movie - never a good sign for a franchise. Among other things, the conjurer does not become the new Pumpkinhead, nor does Pumpkinhead die when the conjurer does. Also, Pumpkinhead is not restored from the previous Pumpkinhead, or even dug up from it's original resting place. Okay, it takes a big detour.

Perfect setting for a first date.

I swear the story is just a cut and paste from the original with a few twists: old lady gets hit instead of a kid; the aforementioned Pumpkinhead legend changes; 35yr old crime. Basically, there's a new sheriff in town. His daughter gets in with the wrong kids. They hit an old witch. She sics P-demon on them, but first he takes care of some old business he's had on the back burner. A few grisly murders, some bloody pictographs, and a lot of touch-and-go acting later, we end up with the Kill Scene. And this is where it all comes apart for the much younger fan in me: that moment when they've strung the monster up and YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE THE STRINGS MOVING HIS ARMS.

Damn it! I'm too lazy to rip a shot of this but it was kind of sad. Trust me.

Make It stop, Make It Stop!

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman
(2000)


Good Gawd this was filmed on a studio set. I can't respect a film company that doesn't even have the decency to at least take their low budget project to Prague. Also apparently this is now supposed to be a horror comedy franchise, except, when was it ever funny?

Jack's Back. The ominous Company from the first movie procures Jack's tainted antifreeze and tries to revive him. All their scientific trials fail but janitor knocks over a cup of Joe and that does the trick. Seriously.

Meanwhile, Sam the Sheriff has PTSD and, after an unfortunate incident at the shrink's office, decided to take a second honeymoon with his wife, deputy and secretary (they're engaged). That's right, this farce takes place on a tropical island.

Snowman killer, Tropical Island.

What's on tap, Jack?

This descends rapidly into mock cloak & dagger with Super Soakers full of antifreeze, an army of mutant snowman Mini Mes, and deadly banana daiquiris. I've officially found this year's nadir.

1/5

'They just didn't care!'

Attack of the The Eye Creatures (that's not a typo)

Attack of THE THE Eye Creatures. Nobody noticed.

      This is a soul-crushing color horror film from 1965 about lumpy wide-mouthed multi-eyed aliens that visit Earth for some reason. It's never really clear why. They're the least intimidating monsters and pretty weak. They explode when exposed to sunlight, for cripes sake. Or, as it turns out, ANY bright light.

     

      They're visit isn't a complete surprise, as the military had been tracking them for awhile and even predicted where they would land. And once they leave the saucer? Yeah, they just kinda wander around the woods at night without any sense of direction. They traveled untold distances throughout our galaxy, and they can't read a map, use aerial photography, or a compass. They were doomed from the start.

     

     So a bunch of snot nosed teenagers take matters into their own hands and rid the world of these beastly menaces that were just out for a stroll by means of simply turning on their headlights. Yeah, interstellar travelers thwarted by halogen bulbs. We had NOTHING to worry about.

     I knew this movie was bad, so I tried to spice it up by watching the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version...and sadly, it didn't help at all! Even the jokes were boring. So, I guess I can add this to the list and I never have to worry about watching it ever again.

Wednesday:  One more from my friend Clive

Vague Unrest Before Xmas

Jack Frost
(1996)


Sometimes watching horror movies is a lot like watching porn: you just want to skip to the good parts, and even then it's mostly all been done before with different players.

There's really nothing to say about this movie. Jack Frost is a murderous loon who eventually gets caught and is on his way to execution when his transport collides with a truck carrying "genetic material". Said material kills him but bonds his genetic pattern and personality with snow. Now he's a murderous snowman. Really.

FACEBOOK

Despite what the movie's promotional poster depicts, Frost's actual appearance alternated between an obvious spray painted Styrofoam & (possibly) clay sculpture, and some doofus in a obvious pair of oversize fleece oven mitts.

REALITY

I thought they were going to neutralize him with salt since they kept talking about him like he was a walking chemical cocktail. However they used antifreeze after discovering is was the secret ingredient in the sheriff's son's oatmeal surprise. Forget Frost, I'd be worried about Junior. What 12yr old doesn't know antifreeze is deadly?

And there's a sequal.

2.5/5

Should Have Been Called Vampire Among Us

Werewolf: The Beast Among Us
(2012)


When I first saw this direct-to-video feature, I had reservations. Almost no one makes a good werewolf movie, let alone one not intended for theater viewing. So it begs a mention that I was in awe of this while watching - I mean it had a plot, actors you could recognize, actual decent performances, AND the cinematography was gorgeous - and did not take the title as literally as other reviews say one should. Also, the clues did not seem as obvious to me because I really wanted to believe someone could make a movie this good about my beloved beast. I still maintain that this is a cut above the usual horror fare even though, yeah, some of it makes little sense after consideration.

The plot goes that a small village is being decimated by a monster and puts out a reward for it's destruction. The reward attracts two sets of hunters: legitimate and scam artists. The scam artists try to foil the hunt for the legits as often as possible, often at their own expense. Both parties quickly discover that this is not your average beast. Suspicions arise and allegations are made.

One of the villagers, Daniel (a young medical apprentice),  hangs around the hunters and comes up with a Silver Bullet-esque theory about the beast picking off the town's unsavory characters (although minus the self-righteousness of Bullet's Rev. Lowe). In the middle of all this, Daniel's love, Eva (who lives within an iron-gated estate) is being romanced by one of the legit hunters' men, with increasing ferocity. That was a little weird and seemed out of place until you got to the big unveiling (that I already spoiled if you were paying attention) - which was really just a diversionary tactic so you weren't thrown by the 5 sec heel-face-turn.

It has it's problems, I won't lie, but I still think it's worth watching.

4/5

His Enemies Are Mostly Dead

Pumpkinhead
(1988)


Two things:

1. I'd gladly pay the price to take a few people off the planet...and no, I would not regret it.
2. Love this movie but it's really not nearly the gore-fest it's hyped up to be. Still...

Any revenge plan that starts with digging up a dead demon is bound to end with regret...and you might want to find out the small details before you enter the contract.

Some cityfolk done kilt Ed Harley's only boy. Fulla hurt, he let one' them Wallace younguns steer him to ole Haggis' place up in them mountains. That there witch done set him on the path to hell.

Several impalements later, we learn what the real payment is for unleashing the demon (and possibly a hint at why Haggis helps).

So the movie was inspired by the following poem, though it seems like no one knows anything about the author (Ed Justin) who wrote it, or where it came from.

Keep away from Pumpkinhead,
Unless you're tired of living,
His enemies are mostly dead,
He's mean and unforgiving,
Laugh at him and you're undone,
But in some dreadful fashion,
Vengeance, he considers fun,
And plans it with a passion,
Time will not erase or blot,
A plot that he has brewing,

It's when you think that he's forgot,
He'll conjure your undoing,
Bolted doors and windows barred,
Guard dogs prowling in the yard,
Won't protect you in your bed,
Nothing will, from Pumpkinhead.

5/5 - c'mon it's Pumpkinhead, King of the Revenge-Demon-movies...and I love his smile.

It's like Happy Tree Friends, only less gory

Easter Bunny, KILL! KILL!!!

     So, this movie is about a single mom, her special needs son, a new boyfriend that's a piece of trash, and a child molester. Oh, and a bunny mask wearing murderer. This movie will present a special challenge to me as I try not to use the word ''retarded''. This is a daunting task because that's what this movie has the most of: reta---mmph---regretful scenes.

     Nicholas, our special little guy, has been raised by his single mother since his dad died when he was six. She's met herself a new beau, and let me tell you, he's a real choice cut. He starts the movie by shooting a convenience store clerk in the face after robbing him. So, he's not really a people person.

Seriously, how does a fat CHUD like this pick up a hotty like that? His boobs are almost as big as hers!

     Mindy, Nicholas's mother, leaves for work and the debauchery begins. Remington, the new boy-toy, calls a pedophile friend to come over and watch the rambunctious little tot, and have his way with him in exchange for some heroin. Remington heads out to pick up some hookers for a party and Pedo-Man tries to chase down Nick but some dude wearing a bunny mask drills a hole inside his head. I liked that scene. But Donnie Darko's retar----nnngggggh---repugnant cousin keeps the murders a'comming with the likes of crowbar bashing, a Skil saw to the chest, broomstick impaling, and so on...

     I have to say that I was a little surprised by the ending, but that's hardly enough to make up for the 90 minutes of whatever the hell this was. It was strangely creepy at times (mostly the pedo), and slash-o-riffic with blood gushing all over. Stream it from Netflix if you're in the mood for a low budget indie horror film. Originally, I was going to watch Night of the Cobra Woman, but I had just seen that 2 weeks ago on Svengoolie and really wasn't in the mood to watch it again.

As an added bonus, please enjoy another classic bunny scene

Tuesday: Some sort of tri-clops with a laugh track...or 2 smart-assed robots and a straight man.

The Benefits of Chipmunk Bites

Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman
(2000)


Yes, I went there...mostly because I wanted to know what the Wolfman had to do with Jekyll and Hyde. Confused? Read on.

This direct-to-video farce has the Chipmunks (and Chippettes) starring in a school production of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, with Alvin in the lead role. Alvin has a monster fetish and an active imagination - two not necessarily congruous traits. Apparently, Simon has been keeping a list of all the townsfolk that Alvin has accused of being monsters. His latest victim is the new next door neighbor, Mr. Talbot. Talbot is snooty, defensive, unfriendly and really likes lupine decor. Alvin sets out to prove his monster theory by ordering a book from a television psychic.

Meanwhile, Theodore is getting bullied at school. Through a serious of events, he ends up replacing Alvin for the role of Mr. Hyde (with Simon playing Dr. Jekyll). His casting was suggested by the soon to be retiring principal, who believes it will boost his confidence. This opinion is not shared by the melodramatic director (who is in possession of the world's only stand alone cappuccino urn that can dispense both coffee and frothed milk from the same spigot). Nevertheless, Theodore seems to morph into his role after a strange dog attack. See what I did there? Yeah.

Personally, I think it's kind of an improvement.

Anywho, Alvin and Simon scramble for a way to save their brother and the school play. Dave, their "dad" tries to smooth things over Mr. Talbot, after Alvin breaks the man's walking stick. That doesn't go so well but does produce the best line in the whole movie:

Mr. Seville do you realize that this cane is a family heirloom? The handle was made from the silver bullets fired at my grandfather by angry villagers.

 Yep, that's when I would've made my exit, but good old Dave stays for the whole unveiling.

After some chasing, and some unfortunate musical numbers, this ends with the most ridiculous, totally unexplained "cure" scenario ever. I was willing to forgive the idea of a werewolf using a silver-handled walking stick - WHEN THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ALLERGIC TO SILVER - but this last piece was just completely inane.

Other annoyances:
Whoever designed these characters had obviously never seen a real chipmunk. I mean I loved the animation as a kid but when I finally saw a real chipmunk...those sucks are tiny. I hate to say it but the modern CGI versions are way more accurate and actually do them justice. Not only are the vintage (or in this case, second generation) chipmunks at least six times the size of a normal one, they also look more like bear cubs. I realize standards were different then but good grief.

Alvin's opening sequence dream was more frightening than this entire movie.

Everyones favorite pin cushion !

Hellraiser: Revelations

     We start out with more 'found footage', someone other than Doug Bradley as Pinhead, a movie produced in mere weeks because of a contractual obligation, and one pissed off Clive Barker lamenting that it wasn't even good enough to be considered his excrement. This movie has issues before we even get to the title splash.

     Basically, some spoiled rich kids (Nico & Steven) go to Tijuana where a homily bum gives/sells them the Lament Configuration. Since idle hands are the devils workshop, Nico starts messing with it and opens a gateway to some sort of S&M goth bar in Hell. They disappear and we move forward to present day with the families trying to come to terms with all that's happened. As the family starts piecing together the events, one of the missing sons, Steven, shows up out of nowhere. After awhile, he goes into spoiled asshole mode and holds the families hostage at gunpoint. It turns out that the 'son' that showed up is not the right one. Or rather, he's wearing the skin of the other. Get that? He's wearing a Steven body suit! Here's his plan: take the family to Pinhead via the Lament Configuration in order to trade for his soul. Pinhead simply tells him 'no' and proceeds to butcher the hell out of him, hook-style! It goes down hill from there with only one member remaining alive, or rather, escapes from the worlds least hygienic goth bar. Sure, there's a lot more there, but you'll have to watch for yourself.

     Honestly, I have to say this was a decent watch. Sure, it felt a little more like an episode than a full featured film, but I was somewhat impressed. There was a lot of imagery that I haven't seen in the Hellraiser franchise for a while, and it was nice to see some of them make a come back. For example, the hooks that Pinhead uses to immobilize his victims, the spinning pillar with body parts impaled on it, and the nasty bum that holds the Lament Configuration. All of these things are hallmarks in the series, and as much a part of the franchise as Freddy's fedora.

     Now, about the new Pinhead:

"I am NOT someones unfinished sewing project! Super serial!!!"

It took 2 people to make up Pinhead: one to act, and one to voice. He's not near as intimidating as Doug Bradley, and in fact, he looks sad. Also, the voice sounds puny and hollow. But alas, Doug won't touch another Hellraiser film unless Clive gives it his blessing. Clive had been working on a restart to the franchise until it was yanked out from under him and this resulting sequel is what we got instead. It's unlikely the reboot will ever happen, but I'll keep an eye out.

Monday: When holiday seasons collide!

"Get Off My Lawn!"

Monster House
(2006)


Crotchety old Mr. Nebbercracker has a secret he's been keeping in a strange, demonic house across the street from 12yr DJ. After DJ and his spaz friend, Chowder, have an encounter with the house, they join up with a candy-peddling prep school girl, to combat the evil entity. It's a kid's movie so don't expect gore and it's a little dry in the beginning.

Most people just get fined for neglecting their home.

The characters are mostly likeable and the storyline is appropriately predictable for 7-10 age group. Dj is a nerd with typical preteen issues, monster house aside. Chowder, clearly still reveling in childhood, is that obnoxious kid you wish would get eaten and put everyone out of their misery. Jenny is an ambitious girls-mature-faster archetype designated to be the leveler between the two.

Eh. 2012's Paranorman delivered what this film couldn't: complexity. The animation was well executed, particularly The House, which articulated a full spectrum of emotion lacking in the other characters.

I give it a 3/5 (I downsized my rating system. 10 is too broad to work with).

You'll get my damn VCR's when you pry them from my cold, dead hands....

V/H/S

     Right from the start, this movie has 2 things going against it. First, it's an anthology of 6 different mini-movies. Second, they're all 'found footage' films featuring mostly Dude-Bros. I hate found footage films. They try to scare you by NOT showing you anything, and leave more questions than are ever answered. Oh, and sometimes they make me dizzy because THE FUCKING CAMERA NEVER STOPS SHAKING!!!....ahem, so naturally, I'm jaded from the start...

....creepy-assed humongus eye girl...

    Within the 6 tales, we have a demon bat girl that rips off a mans junk, a lesbian double cross complete with throat stabbing, a poltergeist, a bunch of blurry shapes of creatures/things killing people in the woods/house/where ever it's dark, and Skyping bewbs! Oh, and for some reason, there's more dude-bro ass than I prefer to see, but there's some cheesecake too, so all's fair.

     I find it hard to really review anthology style films because there's just too much ground to cover and I don't want to be too windy or give too much away. I will say it wasn't as bad as I expected, and the last story, 10/13/98, was pretty decent. If you're into this sort of thing, you might as well go for it. There's a sequel, but I'm not going into that. I'm really tired of sequels...however...

Sunday: One more from an old friend....

"Bring it, Frat Bitch!"

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil
(2010)
 

Leave it Canada to come up with this. A bunch of white college kids and their two token Oreo friends head to the woods to camp out. On the way, they cross paths with some stereotypical hillbillies - or so they think. They learn some hard, often pointy, lessons about being judgmental. Also, clearly their parents should have invested in vocational school since they are far too stupid for college.

How NOT to talk to the honeys:

Frist off, you're shown the "killer" in the opening scene, although most of the deaths are actually accidental. If you haven't identified the would-be psycho by the general store scene, there's no mistaking who it is during the out-of-nowhere "survivalist" speech.

Oh, fuck it! It's Chad. C'mon, anyone named Chad in a slasher flick is bound to be an ass-tool moron or self-aggrandizing frat-jock wanker - in this case, all of these and more. It was painful watching him bust those whack karate moves.

C'mon, he's wearing an aqua blue polo shirt with a popped collar - of course he's evil!

Dale and Tucker are just two good ole' boys who bought a fixer-upper "vacation home" - the cabin from every backwoods hillbilly horror flick ever made. They're up there for some "man time", which sounds really Brokeback Mountain even without the corresponding lap scene. All the madness starts because Dale & Tucker save the life of Allie, the psychology major (who couldn't tell Chad was a ticking time bomb). Of course being rubes, the collies assume they must be cannibalizing (or otherwise eating) Allie, and die gruesome deaths trying to "save" her.

Not scary but funny as hell. I laughed out loud 'til it hurt. This is kind of a buddy movie, too, so you get moments of tenderness between Tucker and Dale, like, "You're not as ugly as you think you are." Honestly, I thought Dale was adorable - like a big teddy bear.

Well, on to the next movie.

Ham-fisted Community Theater Rejects....

Puppet Master 9: Axis of Evil

     Some film franchises burn out early, some last forever. This year I chose one of the latter. I can remember when I was in my late teens discussing how horrible Full Moon Entertainment movies were with a huge fan of them. My argument was that Troma was so much better because Potato. It didn't really matter, we both had our own preferences and I respected his opinion even though I was clearly right. Puppet Master was the strongest example of how terrible they were. And I think the only reason I chose to watch this set is because I found a DVD at HellMart with all 9 movies for a mere $5. They've been mostly terrible and I can't say I've enjoyed the ride, but it does satisfy my curiosity. There are 2 more that I won't be watching this year, but I'm now compelled to seek them out. But for tonight...

     Oh Jebus H. Chrizatz, here we go back in time AGAIN, and naturally the first 10 minutes of the movie is ripped from the very first movie almost frame by frame. They actually do a decent job of threading the films together, but still...I've seen them do that waaay to much in this series. Thankfully the rest of the film is fresh. But even a turd is fresh at one point in time and this truly is a steaming pile of freshness. It takes place during WW2, and you will quickly tire of the lame and inaccurate references towards the war effort.

     It turns out that Nazi Germany wants the puppets but are also conspiring with some dippy Japanese with a terribly phony accent. Something about blowing up a room in a factory. It's a really weak plot and has little to do with puppets. A young man's mother and brother are killed and his girl is kidnapped in order to ransom her for the puppets. The puppets jump in, including a new/old ninja puppet, and clean house. A note about those puppets: The were all different. And by that I mean they were new models. I'm not sure what happened to the old props, but these were all new and really cheap looking. And the end? What the hell is with the abrupt endings? This series is now infamous for it! At least half of them had some small epilogues. Clearly, that wasn't in the budget.

     But the most distracting thing about this film? The acting. It's one of the absolute worst I've ever seen. Every actor in this film should be ashamed of what they did. They should have joined a missionary and repented for their sins. In fact, since I've never seen nor heard of any of these 'actors', maybe they did! I have 1200+ movies under my belt and within that list is a strong vein of low budget features from all eras. But few in there are comparable to this travesty. And lets be honest, it's well known that my expectations were pretty low, but this thing went subterranean on me right from the start!

And that's that. It's over. My self induced hell is over. NO MORE FUCKING PUPPETS!!!

Saturday: Some old school format..

We sip our whisky out of glass....jar.....

Tucker & Dale Vs Evil

      What we have here, is a couple of ne'er-do-well rednecks spending the weekend in their newly purchased 'weekend home'. At the same time, some lame-ass college kids are heading to the same area. Naturally, hijinks ensue!

     Dale and Tucker are the prototypical rednecks. Dale is fat,dumb (but has a photographic memory), and lacking in the 'talkn' to the wemins' department. The other, Tucker, is only slightly more intelligent. Oh, and thin. A gross series of unfortunate and hilarious events ensues and the college kids start dying off due to their ineptitude and rash assumptions. Weed whacker to the face, impaling yourself onto a branch, jumping into a shredder, shooting yourself in the head because you were looking down the barrel of a gun trying to figure out why it wouldn't shoot....Ya know, in hindsight, every one of these college kids is just dumber than a box of rocks. Hell, they couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. In the end, we're treated to College Boy vs. Redneck: THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN!!!

"Oh, nothing officer. We're just taking our torso out for a walk"

   

     While it wasn't laugh-a-minute, it was really amusing and I recommend it. Most of the acting is great but maybe the costume design was a slightly overdone. There's a lot of small subtleties that aren't' too hard to catch so it's not too smart for you. It's just a good watch. So watch it.

Friday:  What a terrible burden I've put upon myself....

"We have a Turd in the Punchbowl. I repeat, we have a Turd in the Punchbowl"

Puppet Master: The Legacy (#8)

     This is one of the most infuriating movies I've ever seen. Not just because it's low budget, filled with bad acting, cheap special effects, and stars creepy-ass puppets. It's infuriating because all of the low budget, bad acting, cheap special effects, and creepy-ass puppets are shown from the 7 previous movies! That's right, this entire fucking movie is ONE LONG FLASHBACK EPISODE!!! I'm not kidding! 98% is recycled footage! This is the biggest cop-out I've ever seen! The only new footage is a side story setting up the flash backs that last in total, about 5 minutes. Since that's the only thing new in this film, here's the set up: Some ruthless bitch is trying to find out how to kill the puppets forever, thereby freeing the souls trapped in them (she calls them the 'immortals'). She fails, and is killed by the current Puppet Master. But here's the thing that pisses me off more than anything else: As she dies, the P-Master looks away, and then points the gun at something off screen and fires. The screen goes black, and then this appears:

“The producers would like to thank all the cast and crew that helped make the Puppet Master series a tremendous success over the years “

     So what the hell was he shooting at? Wiki says he sees one of the immortals...but so what? How would you know if it wasn't for Wiki? It could be a damn chihuahua in a leather jacket doing the moonwalk for all we know. But THAT doesn't even matter because if you use a little Horror Movie Logic, immortals can't be killed with guns...BECAUSE THEY'RE FREAKING IMMORTAL!!!!

     This movie is bullshit and the worst sequel of any movie I've ever seen. And this also marks the second time they've 'ended' the franchise. But guess what?! They made 3 more after this because you can't kill a franchise! Thankfully, I only have one more left to watch on Friday.

But tomorrow is Thursday, so that means we got ourselves a bona fide Redneck Halloween Adventure!

Hawt or Nawt?

Monster Maker

This little ditty is from 1944, and stars a bunch of people that died long before I was born. It's old and grainy, and just the kind of movie I love to fall asleep to. I didn't say it was great, just a way to help induce sleep.

So this jerk Dr. Igor Markoff makes a move towards this great pianists hot daughter. The 12” pianist isn't cool with that so he tells Markoff to bugger off. As with anyone named 'Igor', the evil Dr. is not happy about that and secretly infects him with a substance that makes him become horribly disfigured. Like Elephant Man disfigured.

"Tell me the truth: do I look like a callus or a bunion?"

Theres a lot of terribly boring drama that fills in the weak story and it all ends with a gunshot. Despite all that filler, the film is only 62 minutes. 62 minutes! That's not a movie, that's an episode. I didn't hate this by any means, but it is rather droll and as I hinted at before, best watched while falling asleep. Don't sweat it if you don't see the end because you passed out. You're really not missing much.

Wednesday: This isn't a movie franchise, it's an endless loop of origin stories!

The Future is the Past and the Past is Yesterday, which is the day after Tomorrow. I think. Not really sure anymore....

Retro Puppet Master (aka #7)

     You know? For someone that started out this series dead, Toulon sure seems to be showing up an awful lot. He's in every movie so far. I get it with Freddy, Jason, and that stupid Leprechaun. But this guy is getting a lot of mileage out of the deal and there's no end in sight. Sooo.....

     This entire film is a flash back. Toulon tells the puppets a story from his youth and the only thing missing is the wavy lines signaling the transition. But, the title clearly says “RETRO Puppet Master”, so I was properly warned.

By 'Retro', I mean 'Make everything look olde'

     Simply put, this is another origin story for Andre Toulon, the maker of the puppets. This time, we go much farther back as he meets a 3000 year old Egyptian wizard or Jedi that passes on his knowledge of things and stuff. The Egyptian is also on the run from three humble mummified servants of Sutekh (Mr. Nipples). Along the way, Toulon meets his future wife, defeats the servants (whom ALL look like Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit), and everyone lives happily ever after...until Nazi's kill his wife and he eats his gun. But all that violence happens in the future past forward backwards thingy...I don't know, it's all messed up. Out of the 7 I've watched so far, 4 of the movies seem to take place within a month of the prior sequel. This was no different, as Toulon starts to tell his olde story while he's still trying to flee the Nazis. This takes place just after the events in #3, and as I established before, 4 & 5 were the same movie. My head is spinning, but there's light at the end of the tunnel as we only have 2 left.

     OH, and on a side noted? Dear GOD, the acting is horrid! When they were putting on a puppet show, even the voice acting was stiff and awkward! They read it like it was rehearsed twice and then it was go-time. And why does young Toulon speak with an accent? Up until now, he's played by an old man that has NO accent. Suddenly, he's a young French lad wearing silly dinner jackets and mispronouncing every other word. So it's official, we've hit our downward spiral after peaking with #5. Not bad, really. Some started with the first sequel.

Tuesday: Well, the title seems simple enough..

No 40's were harmed in the making of this film...

Tales From The HOOOOOOOOD!!!

     To me, the '90s were the last decade of experimental films. Indie films were all the craze and a lot of them were good. Movies like S.F.W. and Bottle Rocket are great examples. Today, there's no filter and you have mainstream movies like Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Zombieland. Now this film doesn't seamlessly fit as an example of the '90s indie undertaking, but it does echo a bit of it. OR, it could just be a '90s version of Blaxploytation. Either way, it's on!

     Naturally, these types of movies are anthologies, but I'm thankful for that because none of the stories could stand alone in a full length feature. In fact, they shoe-horned 5 stories into 95 minutes! So, none of them are really deep, as you would expect. But maybe they're too quick? . The sad thing is, I can't really give it a proper review because they just aren't that good OR bad. At least if they were bad I could make fun of them, but this is just bla. Much like Hood of Horror, this had its own set of stereotypical stores like 'racist white cops beat up innocent black man' and 'racist white former KKK senator tries to get the black vote and is mulled to death by dolls (ug...just as bad as puppets)'. The cast was pretty good, but seeing David Allen Grier as an abusive father is a bit of stretch. It's just hard to take him serious after Boomerang, Blankman, In Living Color, etc... 

Why does Clarence always look like this?

     There's not much else to say. I can't recommend this movie for any reason. Maybe this was cooler in 1995 like Clerks was. But I can't stand that movie now, so that may be a huge reason this fell flat with me. Oh, and one odd omission? Not one scene or utterance of a 40oz bottle of tasty malt liquor. I don't think I'm out of place by thinking that was strange, given the context of the movie.

Superstar Roundup:

Clarence Williams the 3^rd!

Joe Torry!

David Allen Grier!

Rosalind Cash!

Corbin...Bernsen...?

...Oh holy shit, WINGS HOUSER!?!?!

Monday: Guess...go ahead and guess.....

Position Wanted: Puppet Master

Curse of the Puppet Master

     Look, if your franchise goes to 3 movies, NEVER assume that you'll have a 'final chapter'. That's not how franchises work and Hollywood will milk them for every penny. This is more of a universal rule as opposed to a suggestion. And because of that rule, we have # 6 in a long line of horror movies that really aren't scary.

     We have a new puppet master (or old. Again, the chronology is messed up) and he's employed a seemingly simple man named Robert to help carve a new puppet or some such. It really doesn't matter. The actor tries his best to do 'lonely forlorn distant reflective staring', but he sucks and hasn't worked since 2001. The new master has other plans, however, and goes all 'master race' with the creation of a new puppet race using Roberts soul. Or he's trying.

Meet Tank. Undoubtedly, the creepiest puppet with the lamest name.

     And the puppets? Much like in the first and second movies, they do NOT like this line of approach or treatment of fellow puppets and turn on the master, violently. And let's just say that 'violently' is an understatement. They butcher the fuck out of him! This marks the 3rd master the puppets have killed, so the job has a high turnover. Since Robert has been turned into a new puppet, or tank-tredded robot, he has the final kill shot and lights up the master with an electrical discharge right to the forehead. And right as the daughter walks in, screaming.....

     ...and then the film ends. WTF? It ended so abruptly, I thought I had a bad copy. Then I remembered it's on a store bought DVD and the credits start rolling. That was it! No foreshadowing, no teaser, no epilog. Over, finished, done, gone, out.

Sunday: More merriment in the 'hood! I swear I'm going to invent a drinking game called "Spot The 40"...in fact, I just did!

One hit wonder, damn it....

Mockingbird Lane

Yeah, now this is my kind of TV!

     This is a wonderful pilot for a possible revamping of an old TV series, The Munsters. I should mention that I am a HUGE fan of that show so I guess I was a little apprehensive about watching this for 2 reasons: Jerry O'Connell (not a fan of that smirk) and pretty much all the other 'reunions' they've done over the years (which were terrible).

Yeah, the likeness is just astounding

     The plot line is pretty typical, as we're dealing with a young Eddie Munster coming to terms with growing up and becoming a meat eating werewolf while wanting to be a vegetarian. This isn't near as slapstick as the original series as they went with a blacker humor and that was really the right way to go with it. Eddie Izzard tries to steal the show, and damn near does. Everyone does an amazing job and we were lucky to have Bryan Singer direct this. And every mark is hit, from Grandpa insisting that a neighbor rephrase how he invites him into the house (a la rules of vampires), to Marilyn's house shopping. I love the black deadpan humor, fuck I love this show! WHY DIDN'T THEY MAKE THIS INTO A SERIES!??!?!

...ahem...I'm a realist and I also know that it's doubtful a continuing series would be as well written as this, but damn it, it would have been nice to see them try.

     This was a great treat for me and I'm glad I finally took the time to watch it. Maybe not everyone got it, but it was a great service to a fan like me. Watch this if you like dark humor and Halloween. DO IT!!!

Saturday: The Curse of The Sequels 6: The Repeating

I Always Knew Unicorns Couldn't Be Trusted

The Cabin In The Woods
(2011)


This...was basically Midnight Meat Train...in a cabin...in the woods.

Five college kids become unwitting human sacrifices...and that's not even a spoiler because the movie makes it perfectly clear what's going on from the beginning. That knowledge doesn't stop the genuine cringes, creeps, and scares, nor does it lessen the sardonic humor of the situation. Some have said the ending was silly but I thought the whole thing was brilliant.

It's just another day at the office for a pair of techs who work for a huge, global organization that specializes in luring "innocents" to their doom, for the sake of all mankind.

These guys.

Each sacrifice must match a stereotypical horror movie character (for this region): The Whore, The Athlete, The Scholar, The Fool, and The Virgin. Everything is going according to plan until it's discovered that one of the sacrifices isn't...well...sacrificed. That's when all hell breaks lose and you get to see some typical movie monsters and some creative ones. My personal faves are...

The Unicorn, 

Knew you couldn't trust those majestic buggers!

The Sugar Plum Fairy, 

Fairies will forever give me the creeps now.

 and of course,

The Werewolf (because you know how I just love them).

You might want to turn around.

A few things I enjoyed:

I love how one (possibly two) of the sacrifices seems to be afraid of the ballerina before he even knows why he should be. I mean who's frightened of a child in a tutu?

After you just read the creepy diary of the pain-worshiping, probably inbred backwoods redneck, why would you read the Latin in the last entry? What (probably inbred) hillbilly redneck knows Latin? I mean she doesn't know what the proper word for an erection is, but she knows Latin? And you're going to read that?

Though arguably sinister and callous, the big corporate machine behind the sacrifices was ingenuous. You can totally imagine teams of scientists from every division concocting new and exciting methods of throwing you under the bus...for the good of all mankind. Say what you want but I loved it. Yeah, the speech about saving the world was a little cheesy, but you know a corporation always have to sell you their schtick or else it might seem like they're just enjoying benefiting from your sorrow. Wait, was this film spoofing horror movies...or reality?

My only minor gripe was the very, very end. I know it's anal, but nothing that size could exist on Earth in multitude. Or in it for that matter.

Or maybe it could. This is why I don't do vacations in the woods.

"...Oh two Little Pigs were eaten before this beast was beaten, ooh ooh..."

Deadtime Stories
(1986)


The most horrifying thing about this whole movie was - with a doubt - the theme song. Played during the opening credits, viewers were subjected to the whole maddeningly awful, eyeball-melting mock-rock song that lasted several verses, chorus and a tinny whining guitar solo. You could just picture some studio whack-off with a bouffant mullet and red bandana tied around his leg, doing his best Ian Gillan...about the "Three Little Pigs." 

I triple dog dare you to endure it's entirety.

"The Boy Who Cried Monster" is the frame tale in which a little boy annoys his babysitting uncle into telling him three incredible bad stories. Uncle Mike is just trying to watch some porn downstairs until the kid's parents get home, but the brat won't go to sleep.

First he tells "Peter and The Witches," about a fisherman's orphaned boy, sold into slavery and bought by two old hags. The hags are witches who use innocent Peter to lure people to their deaths so that they can resurrect their long dead third sister. Unfortunately for the sisters, their next would-be victim is a blonde girl about Peter's age and, well, the sisters don't get a reunion.

Still, little whatever-his-name-was won't go to bed, so Uncle Mike tells the story of "Little Red Runninghood." I don't think his parents would've approved: Nubile Red Jogging Suit runs an errand at the drugstore for Grandmother at the same time that a certain werewolf is picking up his monthly tranquilizers. The pharmacist mixes up the orders and the freaked out wolf goes to Grandmother's to get his downers back. Unfortunately for him, Red's in the Tennis Club's shed getting her cherry popped by some dick named Willie. Mr. Wolf puts the munch on Granny, and when Red finally shows up, he tries to get in her basket. He gets stabbed with a silver cake server for his trouble. Apparently, Granny isn't dead, but injured, and recovering at the hospital.Red is by her side. You can guess what happens next.

The last tale (because the kid is still up) is "Goldi Lox and The Three Baers." The Baer family are a bunch of escaped psychos (and "Baby" is a 6'8" idiot). Goldi Lox is a homicidal tart with telekinesis - like a cross between Carrie and The Black Widow. They all whole up in the Ole' Amityville Place and are soon besieged by cops led by Lt. Nimble and Capt. Quick (really, it's that kind of short). Too bad they went out for pizza. This isn't even worth typing about anymore.

Annoying Nephew promises to go to sleep but is soon set upon by a real monster. He screams but Uncle Mike doesn't believe him and he's presumably eaten. Try explaining that to the parents.

The whole movie is on YouTube but I couldn't find one embed whose landing image isn't nudity.

I'm really not sure why they bothered

Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter (not really)

     Finally! Some continuity!!! Starting right where we left off, genius dude-bro Rick Meyers has been arrested for all dead people found in the Bodega Bay Inn. His new boss bailed him out and wants in on the puppet mastery or some such. However, Mr. Demon Nipples is back, and just as lame. He's using the same stupid minions as before! Why would you do that? If it didn't work the first 50 times, why the hell would you try it again? 

     Much like the first movie, it involves a lot of creeping around the same hotel with the same demon minion (only one this time) and the same puppets with the same protagonist...well, 3 of the 4 original. So what I'm basically saying is, this is almost the exact same movie. If I didn't know better, I'd say this was filmed at the same time as the 4^th installment. In fact, at the end of the film, the stupid little minion is killed in the EXACT SAME FUCKING WAY. There's really no point in me reviewing this any further because I've already done it! Brilliant!

Well hell, at least I'm over the hump. Only four more to go..

Friday: A fan request....from last year.

Crypting on Elm Street

Tales From The Crypt and Freddy's Nightmares

     Because Target can just be an awesome store sometimes, I managed to snag all 7 seasons of Tales From The Crypt for a damn good price. I've waited months before cracking into them and tonight's the night I finally rip the cellophane off and pop it in. And Freddy's Nightmares? I've wanted to see that since I was a kid and still easily spooked by horror films.

Tales From The Crypt – The Man Who Was Death

     By no small coincidence, my favorite episode is the first episode starring William Sadler. Don't know him? You'll know him when you see him. He plays a redneck executioner that is put out of a job when the state changes their laws. Sooo...he decides to take care of business himself. He also narrates as well and is oddly engaging with his simple logic and somewhat deep insight. Not bad for being 24 years old last June. This is a really good watch that only costs you 26 minutes of your time. In fact, watch it right here:

Next up is Freddy's Nightmares – No More Mr. Nice Guy

     This is Freddy's origin story. This is the backstory put in visual play that you've always wanted to see. True, it's unpolished and filled with a bunch of nobody's, but Tobe Hooper directed this one and makes the best of it. While this is supposed to be canonical, it seems to be using some artistic embellishment. Normally, this is used to over dramatize a story, but seeing Freddy go up in flames in the way we were all told he did felt rushed and anti-climatic. Shortly after, the dreams start and it's all downhill from there. In fact, it falls flat until the end when Freddy finally has a decent signature kill. That was a loooong second half to sit through. I think had I got to see this in 1988, I still would have loved it. 

Thursday: Puppet Hump Day!

Demon Lords are soooo 1993...

Puppet Master 4

     Don't you just hate it when an underworld demon lord gets all up in your grill about your use of magic animation? Yeah, me too. And as it happens, demon lord Sutekh and his mighty nipples dispatch some mini-henchmen to kill some mostly innocent people for stumbling upon Toulons puppet creations. That's the main plot, anyway. Mr. Demon, a shirtless Henry Rollins wannabe, is pissed that Andre Toulon is using the secret magic that animates those stupid puppets. I'm not sure he holds the copyright or patents on it, but that's his beef. The rest of the movie is spent running around an old hotel watching the puppets take on the role of the good guys and lay waste to the mini-demon.

     One new puppet introduced is Decapatron, who shoots lightning out of one of his heads. He has to be electrified to start working so he's a bit high maintenance. It's also the vessel for Andre Toulons soul, so, lots of baggage there. There's a painfully awkward fight between Blade and a mini-demon that looks EXACTLY like when you made your GI Joe action figures fight. I cannot make that up.

     I hate each and every human character in this film. They are the whiniest bunch of ass hammers and should be set on fire and shot out of a cannon. And the demon lord? Aside from looking like a 'roided up nuclear fallout survivor, he had tennis balls for eyes and he clearly wanted you to know what he looked like naked. The perv.

     The story is mediocre, but I was intrigued enough to stick with it. Though is seems with every movie there's more information about the secret to the animation, there's also a bit more confusion to the continuity. I guess I'll just have to ignore it for the rest of the series even though each new plot relies on it heavily. However, this is slightly better than any of the first 3, so I like the upward trend I'm seeing. But I also know it only takes one half-assed sequel hastily slapped together to ruin the momentum.  

Wednesday: Mid Month Madness!!!