"...Oh two Little Pigs were eaten before this beast was beaten, ooh ooh..."

Deadtime Stories
(1986)


The most horrifying thing about this whole movie was - with a doubt - the theme song. Played during the opening credits, viewers were subjected to the whole maddeningly awful, eyeball-melting mock-rock song that lasted several verses, chorus and a tinny whining guitar solo. You could just picture some studio whack-off with a bouffant mullet and red bandana tied around his leg, doing his best Ian Gillan...about the "Three Little Pigs." 

I triple dog dare you to endure it's entirety.

"The Boy Who Cried Monster" is the frame tale in which a little boy annoys his babysitting uncle into telling him three incredible bad stories. Uncle Mike is just trying to watch some porn downstairs until the kid's parents get home, but the brat won't go to sleep.

First he tells "Peter and The Witches," about a fisherman's orphaned boy, sold into slavery and bought by two old hags. The hags are witches who use innocent Peter to lure people to their deaths so that they can resurrect their long dead third sister. Unfortunately for the sisters, their next would-be victim is a blonde girl about Peter's age and, well, the sisters don't get a reunion.

Still, little whatever-his-name-was won't go to bed, so Uncle Mike tells the story of "Little Red Runninghood." I don't think his parents would've approved: Nubile Red Jogging Suit runs an errand at the drugstore for Grandmother at the same time that a certain werewolf is picking up his monthly tranquilizers. The pharmacist mixes up the orders and the freaked out wolf goes to Grandmother's to get his downers back. Unfortunately for him, Red's in the Tennis Club's shed getting her cherry popped by some dick named Willie. Mr. Wolf puts the munch on Granny, and when Red finally shows up, he tries to get in her basket. He gets stabbed with a silver cake server for his trouble. Apparently, Granny isn't dead, but injured, and recovering at the hospital.Red is by her side. You can guess what happens next.

The last tale (because the kid is still up) is "Goldi Lox and The Three Baers." The Baer family are a bunch of escaped psychos (and "Baby" is a 6'8" idiot). Goldi Lox is a homicidal tart with telekinesis - like a cross between Carrie and The Black Widow. They all whole up in the Ole' Amityville Place and are soon besieged by cops led by Lt. Nimble and Capt. Quick (really, it's that kind of short). Too bad they went out for pizza. This isn't even worth typing about anymore.

Annoying Nephew promises to go to sleep but is soon set upon by a real monster. He screams but Uncle Mike doesn't believe him and he's presumably eaten. Try explaining that to the parents.

The whole movie is on YouTube but I couldn't find one embed whose landing image isn't nudity.