Ireland Will Never Be the Same

Rawhead Rex
(1986)


OMG They don't make them like this anymore.

Some Blarney rubes are trying to remove a stone monolith from the middle of one of their fields without much success. After two of the three leave, the third succeeds in loosening the stone giant enough to release Rawhead Rex (in all his shredded gorilla-suit glory). Now, folks in these parts don't tend to move around a lot, so you'd think that someone might have mentioned the legend of a big leather-clad gorilla demon that's scared of women. I'm just saying...

While Rex redecorates a kitchen and snacks on a few folks, an American historian researching fertility cults has run-ins with a creepy local minister, priest...whatever. Father O'Creepy clearly knows something and is basking in the ignorance of everyone else. Meanwhile the bungling police dismiss the Yank, who attempts to move on to Dublin, only to have his son snatched. Here's a though: don't leave your children unattended when a MURDERER is about.

Rex terrorizes a trailer park and the bumbling police drive back and forth looking for him only to be turned to meat themselves. Really, they were completely inept. I mean a freakin' historian solves the mystery. A historian - that's like the least exciting, least 007 job on the planet next to being a reference desk librarian, and yet his skills outrank the whole police force. The police set up a perimeter at the church...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back from the action. Rawhead (which I'm guessing is a euphemism for an erection) seems to get the men all in a tizzy, baptizing at least one of them with his urine, and is ultimately defeated by a fertility statue. Sometimes I wonder about Clive.

On another note, if you want your clothes to smell like they were just washed, use Downy Unstoppables with Downy Infusions. The scent lasts 12 weeks and will make you want to don a dress made form your drapes and run through the meadows yodeling.