Not Seattle's Finest

Roboshark
2015

(My entries are late this year. I watched them on time but have been both very sick and deferring to coursework. Please accept them now. Thanks.)

I demand these two hours of my life back.

Technically this was classified a Scifi movie because people think anything mentioning the word "alien" should be. This is too bad to label as anything other than low budget.

The story opens with an alien probe falling into the ocean, where it's eaten by a Great White and morphs into the titular beastie. It's hardly terrifying and quite dorky looking. However, we have to give sharks a bad name along with aliens, so it starts eating everything in sight. After a video of it attacking a biplane goes viral, Roboshark finds its way into the water and sewer lines, allowing it to wreak havoc ashore. This is where the human component comes in.

I can't even remember these peoples names...and not because I watched is so many weeks ago. It was that bad. I'm not even going to waste my time looking them up. The human portion of the story revolves around Roboshark's version of April O'Neil and her family. The mother is a "serious anchorwoman" wannabe married to a water and sewer department manager (?), and they have a teenager phone-addicted daughter. Once Roboshark becomes a reality to the populace, the mother, daughter and a news crew begin tracking the thing all over Seattle. Meanwhile the father is at work, under military (in this case, the Navy) supervision.

I get that it's a shark but I question bringing in the Navy considering all the damage was being done inland - they were seriously outmatched. Before long, the decision is made to bring in "someone with real power"...and we get Bill Glates.

Seriously.

The bespectacled billionaire and his bevy of Girl Fridays bring a drone to - I have know idea - pick up Roboshark's frequency and talk to it? I don't think I need to tell you how it ended. Several screams and a swim through an exploding poop tank later, the shark-hound gang find a way to track the shark using cellphone GPS and follow it in earnest. In the midst of this are a series of text messages that you are actually expected to read. Usually, a camera will zoom in on the phone screen whenever an audience is supposed to perform this feat. These geniuses decided to put the text in a pastel box that ran across the film. I guess no one tested how that would look on different viewing devices. Let's face it: this flick will mostly get watched outside of a theater, where this method rendered the text illegible while streaming to a TV. And it gets worse...

About 40 minutes into this dren, the film becomes an unbearable social media commercial. You are expected to read literally dozens of Youtube and Twitter comments, as well as keep up with news crew's expanding coverage views and followers. When Roboshark itself started following the daughter on Twitter I was done. By the way, this took place in a segment where they attempt to showcase the power of social media/technology by tweeting, texting or otherwise cyber-notifying people to vacate the area of a high school pool where the shark was set to invade. People still got eaten. Points denied.

After this I watched the movie in fast forward. The shark met it's end via the Space Needle. However, there may be a Robochihuahua sequel.

“The Undisputed Plasticweight Champion Of The World”

Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys

     Just when you thought a franchise couldn't get any worse, I find this turd lingering on the internet. I had my choice of 2 movies starring (heh) Corey Feldman. I chose this time filler to round out my masochistic need to witness all the Puppet Master movies. The other will have to wait till next year. But here's a teaser: It was so bad, someone had to leak it to Youtube....and it's still there....

But until then:

     We meet the great grandNEPHEW of Andre Toulon, creator of the puppets, played by Mr. Feldman. And much like his lineage dictates, he's bat-shit crazy and REALLY into puppets. I've always found it odd that the puppet masters never create themselves a girlfriend. Anyhoo, while the current Toulon is tinkering in his home lab with the new old puppets, we learn that he's being spied on by the purveyors of an evil corporate toy company hell bent on taking over the world...with toys. HIS toys, to be accurate. Through that, we're introduced to the Demonic Toys and their demon worshiping master, Erica Sharpe. Her plan is to take over the world at midnight, Christmas Day, by triggering all the dormant toys to do her bidding...which happens to be killing every living thing. So we've got a really really strong plot here.

     I'm pretty sure when they write these scripts, they assume nobody is dumb enough to watch ALL of the PM movies, so they never worry about continuity. The proof is when they give a surprisingly decent origin story (yes, I think that makes 4 as of this film) of the soul-possessed tree the wooden puppets were carved from. But trust me, that is the ONLY thing you'll find inspiring about this festering pile of dreck. It's well known that I've picked apart this series, damn near to the bone, so there's no need to repeat myself since all the usual crappiness is still there. But the one thing, the ONE THING that drives me batty about this entire film is Cory Fucking Feldman and his attempt to muster a low toned, gravely voice. Stop embarrassing yourself, son. You don't have the range!

     And that is THAT! 31 movies, 31 days, 31 facepalms. For as many times as I groaned or thrown my hand in the air and said "WTF are you doing!?!", I can assure you there was a smile hiding behind it. It's a 31 film grind that you have to juggle into your daily routine and we've been doing it since 2008. It's not always easy, and sometimes it's work. But it's always worth it in the end. And I've already started on next year's list....

'Till then, over finished done gone out.

See ya!

This could have been named anything....

Leprechaun: Origins

    This movie makes me happy. Happy because it's the last damn Leprechaun movie in the franchise.....for now.

     4 hiking tourist decide to head to some crappy little villa in Ireland and the residents warm up to them right away. Two of the towns people offer them a place to stay for the night and the hikers agree. The joy is fleeting, however, as once they're dropped off it becomes clear something is trying to eat them...

...this is because something IS trying to eat them. It turns out the villagers are assholes that stole gold from our little Gollum-like leprechaun and now use wandering twat-waffles' like these hikers as sacrifice to keep the little bugger at bay.

     Ug...a WWE funded movie? And Hornswoggle for fuck sake?...Actually, this is a very good thing. For once, the entire franchise is put on its heels by making an ACTUAL horror movie and not some dopey one-liner filled turd with endless sequels. Though it's your standard 'monster chase' fare, it's still a step in the right direction to freshen this turd up. And as much as I like Warwick Davis, I'm tired of seeing him in heels spouting shitty rhymes and cheesy puns. Sadly, I doubt this trend will continue with the franchise as Lep is really more beastly, and less evil. Just being a blood thirsty animal is not the same thing as a truly evil entity. That unfortunately makes this just another mindless monster movie. But hey, you get an 'A' for effort!

Saturday: One last film, one last taste of hell...

A slightly less smelly turd is still a turd...

Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha 'Hood

So this is a sequel to a sequel?

     Ug...read yesterday's post about the first 'Hood movie and try to imagine that movie with higher quality film and lighting. That's about the only difference. Oh sure, the story is different, but tons more weed and bong references, Warwick Davis working for beer money, and no Ice T or Coolio.

Let's just call this a mulligan and move on to Friday.

Friday: The end of a road I started down last year....

Stupid sequel compulsion....

Leprechaun: In The Hood

Leprechaun: In The Hood

     Time to finish what I started last year, but with no fucking help from Netflix. In the past, I had a collection of downloaded films, as well as .99¢ bin cheapies to pull from. I've avoided streaming because I could never count on Netflix or Hulu to keep the same movies as I made my calendar out months in advance and I was trying to avoid what happened this year. I made my list in September, less than a month before Oct. 1^st, and thought I wouldn't any or few hiccups. But Netflix removed 4 films at the start of October. All 4 were horror films. So removing horror movies before the OFFICIAL month of horror begins has got to be the work of a fucking retard. So instead I had to scramble and find some shady website to stream from. God only knows what malware got loaded on my machine. Next year, I'll make sure I have hard copies. Now that I've got my rant out of the way...

     Somehow, Lep ends up in Compton in 'totem mode' and Ice T manages to wake him up, then capture/refreeze him with the Necklace Of Holy Leprechaun Freezing and takes his gold. Years later, Ice T is a mogul using Lep's gold and flute to stay rich and run a record production company. 3 dunder-headed hip-hop hopefuls get their chance to have T produce for them, but they end up robbing and stealing his shit. During the heist, they free Lep and the game is on.

Highlights include

*Ice T

*Cameo by Coolio

*Bud smoking Leprechaun

*A Tiger Woods reference made by leprechaun that's been frozen since before Tiger was born so there's *no way he's have any idea who that is....

*There's a lot more cross-dressing than I expected

Right before the credits roll, we're treated to Lep doing a rap....just in case you wanted to dislike this movie just a little more....

Thursday: He upgraded to a bong...

I love you, Japan

Mutant Girl Squad

Just pretend that you can read that.

     I think I should have saved this for last. I have another Japanese splatter horror film to share. And just like all the others I've covered, this is just as fucked up as the rest. You know the formula: Lots of blood, lots of school girl uniforms, and lots of head splitting/exploding/decapitating. In typical Nippon fashion, it's mostly indescribable. But here goes anyway:

     There's a group of mutant people in Japan called HILKO. Normal people don't like them and persecute them, mostly with death. This is the story of Rin's indoctrination into a clan after finding out she's a hybrid. Her father was HILKO and her mother was normal. But all is not as it seems, and it turns out the clan is a bunch of suicidal terrorists hell bent on punishing the normal, non-mutant people. That's the basic premise. Now here's some .gifs to show what I'm not up to describing. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I can't convey this very well. Observe, if you will:

Katana bewbs!!!!

Insane violence!!!

Karaoke....I think. Not really sure what's going on here....

Chainsaw butt!!!

     There's soooo much more, but it's just too much to cover. Every scene has some fucked up mutation or brutally violent action that just makes you shake your head. If you think you'll get desensitized, I can assure you that will not be an issue. However, don't be surprised if the looks on peoples faces become twisted when you try to describe this to them. And really, be careful sharing this. If their faces get too contorted, they may strain themselves and we don't want that. 

Actually, tell them all about it. Don't leave out the part about the 'butt-saw'.

Wednesday: That little shit-head is back to round out all known appearances 

Good time to take a nap....

Cottage Country

     Billed as another horror comedy, we find our over-stressed protagonist making his way out to the family house on the lake to spend some time with his girlfriend. While there, he plans on proposing to her for her hand in marriage....

     ….then his useless brother shows up with his hilariously decadent girlfriends in tow and ruins the weekend. While the two girlfriends are out looking for wild mushrooms, the two brothers fight and someone got an ax to the neck! From there on it's hilarious hijinks (not really) hiding bodies, killing more people, and avoiding cops.

     Truth be told, this movie started strong and had some funny parts. The useless brother's girlfriend stole the show, but it it went down hill after she was beat to death by the bride-to-be. Somehow, the good girlfriend went from nice to psycho in one scene and while that could have made for a dark comedy, it went just a little to far over the edge and it kinda killed it. This movie had good potential, but whiffed it in the end with its rather sad ending.

Tuesday: Red-hot mutant action....awwww yeaaaaah...

The world's most unhelpful cop....

Maniac Cop

     '80s NYC has a problem. There's a man running around killing people dressed as a cop. He's just indiscriminately killing anyone he wants. They could have gone with a vigilante, but no. Just a psycho. In the past, he was a cop that got sent to prison for being a bad cop. He was attacked in the shower and had his face mutilated, and 'dies'. But we all know he really didn't, so we're treated to the rest of the film being his murder rampage. Originally he was only to kill bad guys, but changed his mind about that and just kills everyone while framing another cop...whom he then tries to kill as well. His preference is to stab people with what is clearly NOT a police issue weapon. I found it strange that he didn't use a gun and was seemingly bullet proof. And in the end, we find out he's also drown proof.

     That's really all there is too it. I tried stretching that out as far as I could, but it's a pretty basic '80s slash 'em up starring Tom Atkins, Bruce Campbell, and the late Robert Z'Dar's chin. Not great, not bad...kind of a 'nothing' movie. I'll admit I've wanted to see this for a long time, but not enough to make time for it. I did this year, and....I may skip the 2 sequels.

Monday:  It's a nice place in the country...

Really, I didn't give the Puppet Master films this much of a free pass...

Malice

Let's be honest. They're really selling this with nerdy goth sex. Jokes on you, she's 16.

     OK, not technically a movie, more of a web series compilation. But hey...the Internet has made it easy for a lot of movies to get made when it wasn't previously possible...and made it possible for other movies to be made that shouldn't have happened. This is the result of a Kickstarter campaign and is loaded with people doing their best, and a possible over use of CGI. There's also a crap-ton of inconsistencies but it's best to just over look them and try to enjoy this otherwise decent offering.

     This ghost story starts when a dysfunctional family moves into a their newly deceased grandmother's house and try to start over. Within the first week, mom is last seen wandering away from the house via the back yard...and she disappears. More spooky things start happening and we're treated to a family outing that involves shooting up a cemetery and then dad disappears. Then sister disappears and it's now all on Alice, our main protagonist. At the climax, the whole plot reveals itself to be pretty squishy but I was strangely entertained the whole time. And again, the inconsistencies are thick. Thick enough I should tear this film apart for, but since it was such a decent watch, I did my best to ignore them. They're still there, festering, seething, but I have control of them for now....

Sunday: Megalomaniacal and chicks dig the uniform...

Always root for the Monster/Bad Guy.

After School Massacre

     Some Mean Girls get a teacher fired, and in turn the teacher goes on a murder rampage. Filmed for about $40 in some dude-bro's basement and backyard, you won't have to worry about the set being overwhelming. I used to think the worst movie I had ever seen was Flesh Eating Mothers. But that movie was so bad that it was fun to watch. This is a movie that should not have been made. Whatever they were trying to do, it didn't happen. What did happen was a bunch of snotty 'teens' (really, none are under the age of 25) get murdered for wasting film. And oxygen. Thankfully, this waste is only 73 minutes with a happy ending. And by happy ending, I mean everyone dies in the end. The end.

Need proof of killing as a necessity? Please observe the ending credits:

Saturday: Why are you using guns on a ghost?

What an Oddly nice film. Get it? ODDly?!? HA!!!

Damn you Netflix....Screamtime is out, so I guess that means....

Odd Thomas

     Based on....oh sweet Jesus, really? Dean Koontz?!? Ug....OK, lucky for us, he didn't direct this. That was Stephen Sommers, who has had a spotty track record (GI JOE:Rise of Cobra and the Mummy/Scorpion franchises). It's OK to be nervous, but I rarely ever look at the producer/director before I watch a movie. And since NetFlix kicked out Screamtime, my original choice for tonight, I grabbed for a Hail Mary of a movie...and won!

     Odd Thomas can see spirits, and they come to him to help find their killer. The spirits can't talk, but they can lead him to the scene, where he can 'read' the accident, murder, or tragedy. In turn, the spirit is free to move on and Odd is on to his next job. He also works as a short order cook and has a girlfriend. He can also see these creatures called 'bodachs' that are feed on human emotions when in extreme duress. When more and more of them start showing up, Odd figures something big is coming and must stop it before it happens. Long story short, he does. But not without a truly sad ending.

     This was a great movie that had me interested throughout its 93 minutes. Anton Yelchin is a highly underrated actor that I would love to see in more films of this caliber (and not another crappy Star Trek sequel). The critics, however have trashed this film, including Rotten Tomatoes. Fuck them, they're wrong. Watch this film.

Friday: Always root for the bad guy....

Bawls.

Deadball

Really, I don't even know where to start with this, but here goes:

     A young man in Japan throws the fastest baseball in the world. So fast, he accidentally kills his dad. Bummer. So with all that rage and guilt, he goes on a rampage indiscriminately killing people with a baseball till he's caught. From there, he goes to prison, has one of the cutest cavity searches ever. The prison guard goes elbow deep on all the prisoners, and manages to find wrenches, baby dolls, and various flotsam and jetsam within all the prisoners. She really enjoys her work and there's a lot of man-tears shed. Did I mention this was a Japanese film? Well it is, and that means everything is fucked up and over the top. Here's proof:

This is pretty much the entire film

     And that's where we get to the heart of the story: the bad-ass baseballer is being recruited to play baseball, a very deadly game of baseball where people die in the most violent manners. So it's play ball or die. Or make the other team die. Either way, it's more crazy violence, a little cheese cake, and for some reason, a Nazi sub-story. Yeah, Nazi's are behind the whole thing.

     This is billed as a splatter comedy, and it lives up to that description. I saw several things that made me laugh. Need a cigarette? Just reach off-camera to the right. There's one there every time! Our main protagonist is dressed like a cowboy, sans the 10 gallon hat. There's also a guy with a baseball permanently lodged in his skull. He's not so bright.  

I liked this film, so unless you have hemophobia, watch it. It's good insane fun from Japan.

Thursday: I was thinking there needed to be a dedicated time for screaming, but I'm having trouble finding the words to describe it or name it.....

Van Helsing is older than the eternal vampire...

Argento's Dracula

     Holy shit, somehow I got me a Rutger Hauer movie! Unfortunately, it's also a terrible attempt to retell Bram Stoker's best known novel.

So let's dig in...

     Also billed as “Dracula 3D” and “Argento's Dracula 3D” because one title is never enough. It hammers out the basic story without adding much of anything other than a terribly awkward sex scene in the first 5 minutes and Rutger Hauer. However, not even he shows up till over an hour in. Otherwise, it's trying to tell me a story I really don't care about, involving people I don't care about, and doing it as slow as possible. When Rutger shows up, as Van Helsing no less, we're already bored and sick of this silly movie. His presences was completely unnecessary and hardly believable. The action scenes are not meant for man now in his 70s! Yes, as of this writing, he's 71 hell-damn years old! That means when they filmed this, he was 68. NO, he's not an action star anymore. Split Second was a long time ago, Rut! You can't do those things anymore!

     At least the boobs were nice, but completely pointless. I have internet, therefore I have porn. Movie boobs do nothing for me. And I'm not even going into how useless the 3d probably was. This must have just been a quick paycheck for Rutger. Go see Omega Doom instead.

One out of place scene:

     At some point, a giant mantis shows up and kills the father of Drac's newest concubine. Upon inspection, the mantis was....uh....Dracula? Really? Earlier in the movie he entered a room as a swarm of flies, so yeah...totally believable and in sync with the rest of the story. Yep.

Wednesday: This movie has bawls...

So this is what happens when your anger, stress, and frustrations manifest itself into a mini monster hiding in your colon....

Bad Milo

It lives in his ass and I never once saw him bathe it. Wouldn't it stink?

     Finally, a breath of fresh air to blow out the bad movie stank that's been permeating an otherwise normal October. Sure, the premise is silly and juvenile, but it's funny. I still laugh at farts.

     Ken Marino's character is under a lot of stress, and something is growing in his stomach. Possibly cancer, but if that were the case, the story would mostly end there. No, what's living in his stomach is a small little beast that pops out of his anus at night, murders the people that are causing the stress, and returns right back up the poop shoot when it's done. Think Basketcase, but with 2 functioning legs and lives in the Hershey highway. Yeah, I made a poop joke. Get used to them because there's tons in this movie. And just when you think things couldn't get more ridiculous, you'll be mistaken often including, but not limited to, father and son having a similar trait.

Did I mention he eats people? That's Warburton he's mawing down on.

     This funny, silly, gross, and worth a watch. Unless you hate poop jokes. Then don't watch it.

Cast includes:

Ken Marino from The State, and a couple of failed sitcoms,

Patrick Warburton, from The Venture Bros, and several unimportant shows.

Peter Stormare, the best Lucifer/Satan ever! Stormare was stellar as usual and tried to steal the show.

Tuesday: Looks like another Italian snore-fest. Really, shouldn't Drac get top billing?

I must be filling in the sequel gaps...

Xtro 2: The Second Encounter

     What we have here is a movie that was filmed in Canada, financed by Britain, and based in the US. It takes place in a soooper secret underground facility that's working on inter-dimensional travel. Three poor souls dressed in Vader-like outfits are sent through the portal and then things go wrong. Only one comes back and she's brought a friend hiding in her abdomen--->and it likes to eat people! In the meantime, the only person in the world that can help is Jan Michael Vincent. His back-story is that he was one of the first to go through the portal in a Texas facility, and upon coming back, blew up the facility in order to kill the monster that followed him back through the portal.

     Picking apart this film is too easy, though I'd like to point out that when the monster first bursts out of her chest, nobody uses gloves or hazmat suits when examining her, the room she's in, the trail of material the creature left behind....touch everything, don't use gloves, freely breath in the air . Again...microbiology safeguards are completely ignored.

     Really, this has nothing to do with the first movie. It's a sequel in name only and the monster doesn't even look like the creature from the original. The acting is f-ing terrible and I'm betting the auditions were done on a Sunday morning. The story is just a weak Doom-faclity run through typical of a '90s low budget film. This is what you get when Jan Michael Vincent is your star. It's bad enough, that nobody wants to do a proper Wikipedia entry. I can't blame them. I'll most likely forget I ever saw this film.

Oh, one last note: At no point is the name or word "Xtro" used in either of the films. There's a 3rd, but I'm not touching that this year.

Monday: His name is Milo, and he's baaaaad.

Why must everything in Britain be so damn greasey.

Xtro

This is a lie. You never really see the spaceship.

    A typically British father and his painfully British son are playing in the yard when suddenly everything goes dark, and a bright light shines overhead. I guess it's a ship. All I know is it's really really bright and annoying. Dad has been abducted and we skip ahead 3 years. Mother has shacked up with a Yank, Jr is having problems coping, and nobody believed him when the explained what happened to his dad.

     But suddenly, dad shows back up after some hilarious hijinks that included being a monster, killing an innocent couple after they stopped to see what they hit with their car along a quiet road (it was him), impregnating a poor, unsuspecting woman, and then birthing from her minutes later. Ever wanted to see a woman give birth to a full grown man? It's not pretty. And if that new mother isn't dead, she'll wish she was.

    While old dad is trying to piece together what happened as he has supposedly lost his memory of all events, I would think he'd remember being a monster, killing people, and re-birthing, but hey, this is British cinema!  That means shit becomes freaky! Starting with dad eating his son's snake eggs, and when his son sees him doing this, he runs away. However, dad catches up with him, talks him down and then bites him. Sooo...he's a space vampire? Seems like I've seen this before...

    Anyhoo, after that questionable intimate moment between father and son, son starts to exhibit some strange powers. Dad reassures him and he'll eventually gain full control. Soo...yeah, it's another space vampire. Then things get really weird and really British when the son creates a friend in full clown makeup to do his bidding. His bidding was simple: murder the neighbor lady, murder the aupair, and murder her boyfriend. Oh, and create a black panther. I still have no idea why the cat was there.

    In the meantime, dad and mother head a cottage in the country (where the abduction first took place) to help jog some memories. I'm not sure why the hell her boyfriend thought that was cool, but he eventually comes to his senses and drives to the cottage, dragging Jr. along. When dad meets boyfriend, he makes his ears bleed by making a loud noises? I'm not sure, but blood started pouring out of her ears and the father and son run off to another huge, geometric light in the sky. Presumably, to be with their alien buddies. Mom's left standing in the middle of a field with nothing left....

...till she goes home and finds the alien eggs that Jr and clownboy were incubating in the fridge. One explodes in her face and she dies. And there's that damn panther again...

Sunday: This one's not over yet...

Contact high and a stupid crappy cookie

Gingerdead Man Vs. Evil Bong.

It really is what it looks like.

     Boobs in the first 5 seconds of the movie. A new record. So here we are again, watching a terrible movie with bad script, cheap F/X, and simple low-budget acting. Somehow, Full Moon Entertainment can still hammer out the hits. This was clearly made in someone basement. It appears they blew their budget on the bewb models which includes Masuimi Max.

     So far the first half of the movie is just a damned flashback vehicle, and I've never seen any of the other sequels to either of the franchisees. Now I'll probably have to, but that's my OCD to blame. Trust me, however, you don't need to see them to get this film. The flashbacks tell the entire story.

    But really, none of that is important. It's a stupid weed/cookie movie with someone named 'Larnell'. 1 part flashback, 1 part incomprehensible story. But there is a literal wall of boobs. I'm not kidding about that. 

No, really. Wall Of Boobs. Right there, on the wall

     There's also a bunch of cameos from other FME series's, but not even I can tell you what films they're from. In the end, the body count is 3, and our main protagonists only know about 1. The other 2 are lying in a kitchen, currently bleeding to death. That's really going to be hard to explain to the cops....

Oh, and by the way, Gingerdead is stuck inside EeBee, the Evil Bong, smoking a joint.

Saturday Double Header: The X is for Xtrememly British...

GingerDORKman is more like it....

Do this first

Then try to watch this....

Gingerdead Man

     Well, here we have our mid-month film, and it involves a sentient gingerbread man haunted with the soul of a nutball killer that looks exactly like Gary Busey. That mostly because it IS Busey, but that's really irrelevant.

For reasons I don't know (but I'm sure were covered), Gary is killing people in a diner. Then we cut away or something. I don't really know, I wasn't paying attention. Next thing I know, 3 dip-shit slackers working in a bakery are having cat fights while being chased around by a poorly puppeteered waking/talking gingerbread man. 

I guess it happened when someone got a cut while prepping dough and since these slacktards have no concept of microbiology or blood borne diseases, they technically created this little monster because of hygienic ignorance. Serves them right. After all those puns, everyone involved in this film should have died

How could you let these idiots live?

I still have no idea (nor any concern) how Gary Busey's soul got into the gingerbread dough. All I know is there wasn't much to talk about in this movie so I used .gifs as filler. Did I mention GingerGary could drive?

The only positive spin I can find would be the time. It's only 75 minutes long. 

Friday: This week reaches it's logical conclusion....

Tommy Chong has smoked too much weed....

Evil Bong

     Oh, Jesus Christ, it's a movie about a sentient bong. Weed, weed, weed. I get it. People like to smoke weed and get high. I hope you don't mind all the pot references, because that's all this movie is. Oh, there is as story about a bong that steals your soul if you smoke from it. When it takes your soul, it transfers in to a dimensional strip club, where you're killed. Then you die in real life. Then Tommy Chong shows up. I'll never understand the drug culture.

     Did I mention this uses bumpers? BUMPERS! You don't uses bumpers in a movie!!! And get this, it's of a spinning pot leaf. Who'd a thunk it? And during the credits, there's a promo for the sequel! That's just how serious they were about this film franchise.

     And another thing: Why doesn't the bongs lips move? Someone is literally shaking it to signify it's speaking. That's how cheap this movie is. Yet somehow they could afford Tommy Chong. AND Jack Deth....

....But most disturbing is the cameo made by the title star of Thursday's film.....

Eat Me.

I WAS going to watch the 1974 feature Madhouse with Vincent Price and Peter Cushing. However, Netflix being the dicks they are, removed it on Oct. First. Odd time of the year to remove a horror film, but whatevs. My runner up is:

Shrooms

     I never understood the drug culture, but here we are again, trying to digest that which is so foreign to me. A bunch of lame American d-bags and their hunnies go to Ireland to camp and eat 'shrooms. They're whole international trip was to do drugs...without going to Amsterdam. So we're dealing with some very wise, yet conceited twat-waffles. They're guide is a hunky Ire-bro and he knows a lot about hallucinogenic 'shrooms. We're talking high quality people. Hope nothing bad happens to them.

     So the low down is they do a bunch of shrooms, and start getting stalked by some-thing. One in particular keeps having premonitions, but isn't really good at preventing what she sees. So, clearly clairvoyance is wasted on her. Remember, these are dumb people that keep making bad choices. Since everyone is still on 'shrooms and every goddamn thing is a hallucination, it's really hard to tell what is real, and what isn't. My advice is to just root for the bad guy because he's doing the right thing.

Wednesday: Is that really a bong? It looks more like a hookah...

It was never really a horror movie franchise to begin with......

Bates Motel...(no, not the TV series..well it was kinda...it's a long story)

     We start off meeting Alex West, friend of Norman Bates. Or he was while they were in the asylum. Norman has died and left Ye Olde Motel to Alex because he was such a good friend. Now that Alex has been released, he decides to spruce up the murder pit..er, money pit...err....motel, and start renting out rooms again. With the help from a former handyman, a banker, and Lori Petty, he dumps a crap load of money into coating everything with a southwestern motif, all the while seeing spoooky shadows of Old Lady Bates in the window. His first customer says she's there to write a book or some crap, but is really there to commit suicide. While she's in the tub getting read to do the deed, a young girl walks in and just starts chatting up. Turns out she's with a group of young kids that all drive vehicles from the 50's. Anyhoo, they invite her to a party they just started (holy shit, is that Jason Bateman? Yes it is!), and she obliges and decides not to kill herself as all the kids reveal themselves to be ghost of people that really DID go through with it....

                                                               …............................

….First of all, what the fuck is this shit? Is NOT a horror film. This WISHES it could be a really bad episode of Scooby Doo. But it can't be even that good. Or bad. Whatever. It's complete crap. It has so little to do with the Psycho franchise, it's startling that it even got to use original story or names. According to Wiki, it was a pilot for a TV series that never happened. And that's a damn good thing too. While we now have the REAL Bates Motel TV series, we could have been subjected to this gawd awful Fantasy Island shit show. OOOOH and the best part----> in the end we find out the spoooooky shadows of Old Lady Bates was actually the BANKER wearing a mask...trying to haunt the place. Yeah, we could have had Fantasy Dooby Doo or Scooby Island. I'm going to burn this damn DVD....

Tuesday: That is one heavily recycled title...

I lied.

Frankenstein's Army

     Don't ask me how another found footage film ended up in my list. It just did, and I'm watching it. We start out with a bunch of battle hardened WW2 Russian soldiers making their way through Germany. They receive a distress call so they investigate. At the same time, their communications is also cut off. That probably means nothing, right?

     The film wastes no time and we start seeing body-modded Nazi soldiers. And let me tell you, it's like a gore-goth conventioneers dream! Every fucked up, twisted costume design you can think of made an appearance and they're wicked evil looking.

 They are, however, pretty slow, daunting, and rather clunky. But still cool. 

     Pretty soon it becomes clear that this was more of a planned trip by the Soviet high command as the cameraman was a high ranking officer on a mission. However, after a couple of run-ins with the Nazi super mods, the Russians soldiers abandon the officer and we're left with just him trying to find a way out of the soldier factory. Amazingly, he keeps filming and eventually runs into the 'Doctor' who clues him in on what he's doing...which is pretty weak. Actual WW2 secret weapons stories are far more fascinating. But to hell with that, I liked this movie. It's a fairly short film at 84 minutes, and you won't find a boring spot in it. 

Monday: The last sequel on the DVD. I think I got my money's worth.

Norma Bates: Super MILF or Mega Bitch. You decide!

Psycho 4

     My how things have changed. Somehow, Norman's been released again. How does someone kill so many people and keep getting released? No wonder he's messed up. Anyhoo, he's also married! So that means he finally got some and all that sexual repression is gone, right? Nah...this is a made for Showtime movie, and the 3^rd sequel, so business as usual. For the record, nearly the entire movie is a flashback filler, hence the sub title “The Beginning”. While it fills in the completely unnecessary backstory, all we really learn is that Norma Bates had it coming, and so did her boyfriend 'Chet'. But mostly Norma. Fuck that bitch.

     Overall, the movie isn't really interesting, but the production is actually pretty strong. Dialog, cinematography, lighting, and acting were all damn good without being relative to the budget. In other words, Showtime took this pretty serious. Too bad it really had no teeth to it as it was more of a psychological drama. Who would have thought that with a title like “Psycho”?

     The cast is kinda unique. John Landis, CCH Pounder, and Henry Thomas, best known as EEELLLIOOOOTTTT, plays a young Indiana...er, Norman Bates. This also marks the last Psycho film Anthony Perkins starred in, as he died 2 years later. Still though, a mostly 'meh' affair. Time to put the final nail in this coffin.

Sunday: You and what army? Oh...that one. I see.

I guess it's that time of the year again...

VHS: Viral

     I swear, it's the only 'found footage' movie this year. I have to admit I liked the other 2 films, so might as well round it out. Or maybe it's my mild OCD that won't allow me to leave a franchise series hanging. Either way, once more down the rabbit hole. I thought that since this was named and not numbered, it might be a full length feature, but it's not. It's just another 3 stories with a 4 serving as a bumper wrap around.

Everyone seems to lose a limb in this movie. No foolin'.

     The first up is 'Dante The Great'. It's about a magician that finds a magic cloak that will do his bidding, as well as magic tricks. The problem is, it needs to eat people to work. It's more of a 'Tales From The Crypt' episode with a 'jumper' scare scene in the end.

     'Parallel Monsters' is up next. We have a home-brew scientist that creates a portal to a parallel universe and meets himself. They agree to swap places for 15 minutes. All we learn is every male in the 'new' universe has a hairy teeth-laden Muppet hand for a penis and the ladies had some mini abdominal tentacle thing going on.. It also has teeth. There isn't much to go from there.

     Rounding things out is 'Bonestorm”. Three asshole skate borders and a hired cameraman go down Mexico way to totally film some dope skating, yo. They think they're pretty bad-ass, but ahem...most skaters I've met were NOT gun toting bad-asses. They talked shit, but weren't tough guys. Anyhoo, they wander into a municipal drainage area and end up fighting Mexican Zombie-like things that more resemble dia de los muertos cos-players.

"Go back to Comicon, loser!!!"

 This all happened because they spilled some blood within a sacred pentagram and circle drawn on the concrete. EVERYONE KNOWS TO STAY OUT OF THE GOD DAMN CIRCLE AND STAR, IDIOT!!! 2 ended up getting butchered, but 2 survived...damn it...There was some weird beast unleashed from the drainage tunnels as well, but it was a pretty useless inclusion. It left me feeling like this wasn't a finished story. But I'm done with it...

     Oh, and the bumper story isn't even worth mentioning. This was whole movie was a huge disappointment, and that's sad because I was looking forward to it. Somehow the F/X got cheesy and the stories became just terrible, thin-skinned hack jobs that I have to assume they let the interns write....ah....right. It's the 3^rd movie in a series and that's when the franchise usually start to fall apart or become horribly weak. Damn, I see it now. I think you pretty much know what to look forward to from here on....

Saturday: More '80s cinematic torture...

Somebody just DO THIS GUY!!!

Psycho 3

He wears that terrible sport blazer throughout the entire film.

     Honestly, all Norman has to do is rub one out. Do a little knuckle shuffle and all that sexual repression would be halved. It's no cure...he's still a psychological hot mess, but half is a great start. But I guess if he did, we wouldn't have this film, so here goes:

     This takes place about a month after the last film. Norman hires a doe-eyed drifter that look suspiciously like Jeff Fahey to run his danky motel. Drifter boy is sleazy as hell and truth be told, I loved watching Norman beat him over the head with a guitar near the end of the film. Anyhoo, shortly after he arrives, a pleasant looking young woman shows up to rent a room in the motel and Norman is immediately smitten. After a quick wine-n-dine, we see Norman cut loose and almost get some! But after everyone remembers who they are, things go all Bates-style and awkward sexual repression surfaces. That means peeps gotta die!

     The ways in which they die have become much deeper in the slasher film realm and done mostly with the same knife. This actually fits in nicely for the era but also suffers from the same affliction that every other movie series as the plots weaken, and the repetition becomes tiresome. Still though, not a horrible movie...just seriously played out.

Friday: You'll get my VHS remote when you pry it from my cold, dead hands 3: The Beginning Of The End Of Origins...The Sequel.

Vote Pubert.

Rosemary's Baby (1968)

     I'll be honest, I had a very hard time going through with this film. The fact that Roman Polanski directed this film, and the fact that he's rapist, kept me very clear from this movie. So why now? Honestly, I forgot he did this film till I saw his name in the opening credits. I could have stopped there, but I made my choice. So much for having undaunting ethical standards.

     Rosemary is just married to some slightly mouthy jackass. They move into a new condo and meet their new neighbors and things go swimmingly till Rosemary has some messed up dreams and becomes preggers. From there, things go downhill and weird. She starts to question her daily 'vitamin' regimen, quack doctor, and dick-headed husband while starting to suspect witchcraft. I'll admit, she has a lot of speculative evidence. However, for the next HOUR AND 20 MINUTES, we're subjected to strange coincidences, trusted friends having terrible accidents/health issues. 

     Towards the end she starts to break down and for good reason. In a city of 8 million, there always seems to be someone she knows right near her. But did the build up need to be that long? They could have shaved 45 minutes off the movie without making it feel like a quick & dirty affair. That's how much fat there was on this. But the rapist director is an artist (still also a rapist), so things are long and drawn out. In the final scene, we're treated to grand explanation, and it's best described as 'interesting, but a little contrived'. But in 1968, this had teeth. By today's standards, it's hokey.

     Not all is lost, however. It was never really boring, and the pace was consistent. Mia did a great job as a ghostly waif with a farm-boy haircut. However, she looks like a gust of wind could take her out. At least when she whines, she's not high pitched, though she clearly does not have the energy to do that. Her worst crime is being a pushover to her husband and everyone else. They tell her what to eat, what to read, what to drink, and she just does it. Most modern women would find that laughable.

Technically, I think this is my last classic for the year. I think.

Oh, and Roman Polanski is a still a rapist.

Thursday: Half way through this years sequelgasim? Sequelstalgia?

When one mother isn't enough....

Psycho II

Oh sure, I could have used the original theatrical release poster, but I like this better.

      What's Robert Loggia, Meg Tilly, Dennis Franz, and Anthony Perkins doing in this? Money grabbing for a sequel, naturally. But this is also one of Hollywood's early attempts to throw a bunch of money into a newly ordained 'classic' amid a huge fascination with nostalgia. The timing seemed right. The cast was...acceptable. The plot, however, is a bit of a dud. According to the infallible Wikipedia, this was originally intended to be a made for TV, and it shows. Yet, by the time this reached the theaters, this somehow got a 'R' rating. Honestly, it's more of a PG13 affair, shown on a Sunday afternoon when there's no football, baseball, or Dew Action Sports to fill the time slot.

     The quick and dirty of this plot is as follows: 22 years after the events of the first movie, we see Norman at a parole hearing to determine if he's fit for society. They deem him so, and he's released. Naturally, this torks off the families of the victims and the sister of the lady in the first film takes it upon herself to push Norman over the edge with the help of her daughter in order to prove that he's unfit. Sooo...they're trying to drive him mad in order to prove that he's mad. Such sound logic that isn't debatable. However, someone IS doing some killing because people start dropping and all the focus is put on Norman.

     By the end, we're treated to several plot twists that were somewhat predictable, but not horrible and we're treated to Normans new window-sitting corpse of a mother. His REAL mother. Turns out mental illness ran in the family and she spent more time in institution than he did. But hey, family is family, mothers are mothers, and that's why Norman indoctrinates hes newly discovered parent with a shovel to the back of the head. Hope she likes the view out the window!

Wednesday: It was either this or The Mephisto Waltz. I just wasn't in the mood for Alan Alda.

Veni, Vidi, Viciohdeargodthismovieisterrible.

The Night Evelyn Came Out of her Grave  

Just a note of fact: At no point is anyone beheaded.

     Like most Italian horror films, they're recorded on cheap film, suffer from bad lighting, and overtly dramatic and psychological. And when it crosses the Atlantic to be dubbed...well, that's just one more thing terrible about them. This is by far, no exception. It reminds me of Land Of The Minotaur in the sense that it's boring as hell, and simply put, a spaghetti horror film. Peter Cushing couldn't help that film, and there's no way Clint could have helped this turd out.

     So the synapses is as such: A husband being treated by a psychologist starts dragging home redheaded women that remind him of his dead wife. Before her death, she cheated on him (kinda) and now he takes his frustrations out on these unsuspecting women that got woooed by this Bob Guccione-wannabe driving around in a Lamborghini Jarama. Finally, he settles on a BLONDE and marries her. But she's even worse than him and pushes his mental state to the point of being comitted for permanent psychiatric care. Sounds exciting, no? No is right, and this film drags its feet through a script that could have been a 60 minute made-for-TV episode of Columbo.

     But the worst part is you'll be stuck watching this crapfest for over 103 minutes. How anyone could have sat in a theater and watched this end to end is astounding. I'm sure I would have fallen asleep mid-way through. It's that boring. I've sat through an unbelievable amount of crappy movies and this has to be the most boring one I've ever had the pleasure of suffering through. That really is saying a lot. Even with the super triple double-cross at the end, I was still a movie watching corpse. Moving on..

Tuesday: Oh right...another bad sequel. This is going to be a loooong week.

Time to find out if a classic is called so for a reason

Psycho (1960)

     Right from the start, Janet Leigh's character is dirty as hell. Well, 1960's dirty, that is. She's having an affair with a married man (on her lunch break, no less) and wants nothing more than to run off with him. Problem is, he has lots of debt. Sooo...the best idea is to embezzle cash from her real estate boss and run away. On her travel, she winds up in a spooooky motel. It would safe to say that the rest is history, but it's really not. We also meet Norman, who's an overly complex weirdo and a bit of a peeping tom. After a really awkward dinner with Norman, she retires to her room and hops in the shower...where she's promptly murdered by a shadowy figure resembling an old lady. Soooo, they killed off one of the main characters in the first half of the film. What do you do with the rest of the film? I'm afraid I gave a spoiler up, but damn...at the half way point?

     The rest of the film is the aftermath. A PI snoops around and ends up stabbed. Then the sister and lover show up to snoop around, finds a corpse and that's the condensed story. It may seem simple and boring, but it never got that way. Hitchcock had a talent to keep the film moving despite the mid-film surprise. Maybe I'm making too much of that, but it reminded me of Tarantino's habit of spending half an hour building up a character and then blowing them away in a mostly pointless scene. Anti-climatic as hell.

     This is a good film. It's not amazing or mind blowing because we've heard about it for as long as I can remember. But it is worth the watch when you're in the mood for a black and white.

Monday: Sometimes the title gives the entire movie away.