Argento's Dracula
Holy shit, somehow I got me a Rutger
Hauer movie! Unfortunately, it's also a terrible attempt to retell
Bram Stoker's best known novel.
So let's dig in...
Also billed as “Dracula 3D” and
“Argento's Dracula 3D” because one title is never enough. It
hammers out the basic story without adding much of anything other
than a terribly awkward sex scene in the first 5 minutes and Rutger
Hauer. However, not even he shows up till over an hour in. Otherwise,
it's trying to tell me a story I really don't care about, involving
people I don't care about, and doing it as slow as possible. When
Rutger shows up, as Van Helsing no less, we're already bored and sick
of this silly movie. His presences was completely unnecessary and
hardly believable. The action scenes are not meant for man now in his
70s! Yes, as of this writing, he's 71 hell-damn years old! That means
when they filmed this, he was 68. NO, he's not an action star
anymore. Split Second was a long time ago, Rut! You can't do those
things anymore!
At least the boobs were nice, but
completely pointless. I have internet, therefore I have porn. Movie
boobs do nothing for me. And I'm not even going into how useless the
3d probably was. This must have just been a quick paycheck for
Rutger. Go see Omega Doom instead.
One out of place scene:
At some point, a giant mantis shows up
and kills the father of Drac's newest concubine. Upon inspection, the
mantis was....uh....Dracula? Really? Earlier in the movie he entered
a room as a swarm of flies, so yeah...totally believable and in sync
with the rest of the story. Yep.
Wednesday: This movie has bawls...
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