Fin

Killer Tomatoes Eat France

     Oh, c'mon! It's a movie about sentient tomatoes and Gomez Adams trying to take over the world. It's the 4^th goofy movie in the slapstick Killer Tomatoes franchise that once starred George Clooney and several appearances by John Austin. There's nothing more I can add to make this more appealing. I wanted something light and fun to end this year, and this is my pick.

     And that's my last film for this year. What a mess! The films were either dull as hell or over the top murder bombs. Japan week was completely insane, Leprechaun was as dumb as I expected, and I hope to never see another 'found footage' film for the rest of my life. And as always, I'm burnt out on movies, so I'm going to find a damn book or something....

Mechs Again

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II
1993


Almsot forgot about this one. I took we like two weeks to finish watching this. Between classes and the tiny white lettering of the subtitles on Crackle (and their inane commercials) I could never get through the whole thing in one sitting.

Basically, there's a new Godzilla and this version of Mechagodzilla is a bio-robotic creation made to dispense him. How do they know it's a new Godzilla? Because they have a big tank with the skeletal remains of the old one that they've been storing since 1949(?).

I love Godzilla movies but there really isn't a lot to say about them. He's a big lizard and he loves to put the smack down on Japan. You'd think they'd just build a big shrine and leave him a couple tons of rice balls and those altar biscuits. 

Secret Sword Techniques and an Appearance of Claws

Blade (Anime)
2011


Okay so we all know Blade's deal: Eric is a Daywalker, having been born from a woman who was bitten while pregnant. In this version of the tale Eric is raised by his mother's prostitute roommies after her apparent death. Wait...so Blade is a trick baby? Nice.

The other half of Blade's deal is that he's always on the hunt for Deacon Frost, the man who killed his mother and turned him into a blood-fiend. Deacon is a scheming madman here whose backstory is that he actual gave himself vampirism to get back at vamps for the death of his son. I know...and it didn't make sense to anyone in the series either.

Anywho in typical Anime fashion, this serves up stylistic kills, and ridiculous monstrosities. I mean there were a pair of werelion twins, who I think may have also been vampires. I'm not kidding. There were vampire cats galore, and because this takes place mostly in Southeast Asia, there were a ton of disgusting amalgams between vampires and native folkloric creatures. My personal fave was the one that split in half, so only the top have went hunting. Even one of the characters uttered an "Ew."

Oh, and Wolverine made a guest appearance.

 This series had 12 episodes so I am counting it was three movie choices. I think I am at like 16 now. Obviously I'm not going to make it to 31 but it was a valiant effort with the stress of everything that's been going on.

Toodles until next year.

Every Dog Has Its Day

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

I really have a lot to say about this movie but I'm thinking of revisiting that whole series for some analyses later. I can say this though: having watched this out of order, Underworld: Awakening seems even more of a disappointment.

The basics are that this is the story of Lucian - leader of the Lycan Horde - and how he came to be by Viktor's side...and eventually betray him. Viktor was a total bastard. If you didn't like him in the first movie , you'll really hate him this time around.

I loved the movie but I thought that some things could have been better. First, I disagree with how Kevin Grevioux's character came to be a Lycan.Second, slightly more could have been said about Wilhelm, the White Wolf. If this was your intro into Underworld, you'd have no idea who they were talking about. Also, despite Underworld: Evolution's foray into the past of both Markus and his brother, a lot about Wilhelm is left to conjecture. In this movie, though, it is at least hinted at that the Lycans born of Wilhelm's bite weren't just mindless animals. They had community, were clever enough to set traps (or at least utilize available means), and they recognized authority - or rather they chose an authority. Mindless beasts don't do that. despite what people like to think about the animal kingdom, there's a fare amount of order that does not speak to mindlessness. I would have preferred to understand how the early Lycans evolved or was that half of the species hunted to extinction?

Did I Just See Godzilla Dance?

The Terror of Mechagodzilla
1975


This movie opens with a six minute introduction featuring Godzilla doing a victory dance after stomping Ghidorah. The gist is that aliens are back on earth and up to no good with their creation, Mechagodzilla.

Mechagodzilla gets his binaries handed to him in the first ten minutes and is tossed into the sea. A research sub goes looking for him but is destroyed by a sea-faring dinosaur. Said dinosaur is under the control of a disgraced scientist, his cyborg daughter, and the aliens that made Mechs.

This was an English dub...so it kind of sucked. You do get to see Titanosaurus chest bump some planes out of existence and Godzilla sumo-up for some wreckage. Other than that, it's the usual stomping, screaming and collateral damage.

Apollo Creedence Clearwater Revival

Apollo 18

Damn it, another 'found footage' creep fest.

     This one starts out with super secret talk about Apollo 18, a moon mission 'that never happened'. And they're right, it never happened. You can't hide a Saturn V launch, let alone the building process. But this is movie-land and it's shoved in our faces with the assumption that we're dumb and won't do any sort of deductive reasoning.

     Anyway, two space yokels reach the moon, and discover * gasp !* the Commies have put a Cosmonaut up there as well....but with terrible results. The Rusky is dead and noooobody had said anything about it, despite totally knowing about it. Then the creepiness starts and we're treated to the usual spooooky moving rocks, communications cut, items disappearing, and everyone being pigeon-holed. And through this, we get a small and fleeting glance at the enemy: Space Spiders. Really? Are you fucking.....that was the best you could do?!? SPACE SPIDERS?!? Oh, let me clarify that....SPACE SPIDERS THAT HIDE IN, OR ARE, SPACE ROCKS.

Eh...Walter Koenig once humped a 14,000 space MILF.

     So now that we have that hammered out, it becomes dumb and in the end, everyone dies. And really, I'm fine with that. Up until the space spiders, it was a decent movie. That stupid little plot turd ruined it for me, but I can't fully say “don't watch this” because it's pretty decent. The pacing is near perfect, the acting is good, the F/X are 85% believable, and the only real complaint I have is with the sound. They stuffed EVERY creepy little noise that suggested slithering, creeping, and skittering into the background. Some of it helped the atmosphere, but it was just a bit overdone. Actually, it was a LOT overdone. 

OK, my last film for 2014 is......

Which Witch is Which?

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
2013


Well you already know the Hansel and Gretel backstory - two kids get abandoned in the woods and stumble upon a candy cottage run by a cannibal witch. This takes place while they are adults. After rescuing themselves from the clutches of the witch (and developing diabetes), H & G go on to become slayers-for-hire (think The Brothers Grimm, 2005, only minus the charlatanism).

They roll into a town that has been missing children and stay an execution. The woman they save develops the hots for Hansel, whom she successfully mounts before the shit really hits the fan.

I've watched this a few times, not because it's good but because it's an action-horror crossover and I seem to like those. They don't even attempt to be historically accurate (or as accurate as you can be in a supernatural film). H & G f-bomb and can big rudimentary guns. There's some pretty good splatter, but I realize that's not what makes this film interesting to me.

Hansel & Gretel contains a rather interesting power dynamic with respect to women. You have your good witches and your bad witches - all of whom die - and then you have you're potential witch, whose inability to access her power keeps her alive. Specifically, she lives by relying on the power of men, whether it's a rescue or a weapon. The message translated is that female power is dangerous.

Look At My Eyes!

Not of This Earth
1988

I will totally confess to watching this because I knew Traci Lords would get naked.

The movie was like a creepy version of the Blues Bros. Shades-wearing aliens from a dying, irradiated world are on earth milking humans for their blood; searching for a cure for radiation poisoning. Yeah, that didn't make sense to me either. Did I mention this stars Traci Lords?

Traci plays a nurse who gets a private gig working for some rich dude with a blood disorder, who needs daily transfusions. Guess who?

Creepy Wayfarer Shades kills a few folks, including Traci's friends, hypnotizes his doctor and plots of send all the special blood back to his home world. Eventually, he's foiled by Traci's kinda sexy cop boyfriend. But of course there's always another one where that came from. Queue breifcase-carrying New Shades Creepster.

This was a remake of a 1957 scifi feature and it wasn't bad for that fare. I should probably mention that the aliens can use mind control and kill people by looking at them. I guess when you run like a spazz you need to have some kind of offense plan.

Starro's Revenge

Grabbers
2012

Some Irish people are forced to drink to stay alive in this Tremors-meets-the-sea farce. SO many snarky comments, my mind can't handle it...

So some space creatures crash into the sea near Ireland and commence mating. What, were they on their honeymoon or something? Anyway, the female - which is about 1/4 the size of the male - is captured and her mate begins searching for her. Only he doesn't exactly understand that she'd been captured (versus playing hard to get). He starts showing up at all the places where her pheromones are and making offerings to her (out of the locals). The male is HUGE:

The middle looks like a huge anus. Tentacles and questionable orifices? This could be Japanese.

It turns out that the creatures (who exsanguinate their victims)  are susceptible to high blood-alcohol levels, Pity they ended up near the Emerald Isle. It doesn't end well.

I guess I could say more but I have a lot of movies to blog about in a short time so...add it to your list for next year. It was funny.

Best Line (that I understood):
"As flattering as it is to have a beautiful drunk slurring her feelings for me, this isn't the time."

You Can Interface with the Motherboard

Death Machine
1994

I can sum this up as Hardware interpreted by a indigent version of Universal Solider in Robocop's armor. And I can tell you it sucked.

So some lady CEO leaks info about her company's dirty misdeeds and pulls rank at a board meeting. Not the smartest move when you work for a weapon's manufacture that microchips all its execs...and has a chief designer that's an anti-social crazed lunatic...named Jack Dante (played by Brad Dourif channeling Trent Reznor). I'll bet someone thought it would be really cool to name their nutjob character Dante...because, you know, that's NEVER been done before...or better.

"So does this mean we can't interface?"

Anyway, Dante gets pissed at his boss (who he also wants to boink) and unleashes Warbeast. Remember the mousers built by Baxter Stockman in TMNT? Well Warbeast is basically a giant mouser with arms.

Frankly, the mousers were more frightening.

In the middle of all this, some high corporate eco-terrorists - that looked like they stepped out of Tank Girl or Johnny Mnemonic - raid the place and take hostages. Once everyone is assembled you can tell who the survivors will be right away. Soon they are all on the run from the mouser-beast, which apparently hunts on pheromones. Someone gets the bright idea to trip the fire alram with a big explosion, and seal all the blast doors...so of course later they have difficulty getting out.

I almost want to watch Hardware again just so I can scrub the images of this from my mind. Also, Dylan McDermott...mmm.

You'll Get My VCR When You Pry It From My Cold Dead Hands 2: Sequel Reckoning

V/H/S/ 2

...aka GoPros gone Wild!!

     That's the thing about 'found footage' movies: Crappy camera, lots of innuendo, and more questions than answer at the end. That's typically why I find them annoying and avoid at all costs. When I chose the first V/H/S last year, I cursed myself when I realized what it was. However, I made a commitment, so I stuck it out and watched it. Strangely, it satisfied me just enough to pique some interest in the sequel, and that's why I picked it...and thankfully, I was happy with what I saw.

     4 stories, with a 5^th acting as bumpers. It's the same formula from the first film, but I think the real differences showed in the 'startle' factor. And normally, I hate those film. I startle easy, but that's not the same thing as scaring me. None of the film was actually scary, BUT---at some point in every story, I had goosebumps with a smile on my face. The goosebumps don't happen to me very often, and hardly ever because of a horror movie. It could have just been the mood I was in, but for some reason this movie clicked with me and I enjoyed the hell out of it.

     It takes too much to examine every story, so I'm just going to give a small glimpse of what you'll see:

      Eye gouging, exploding cult leaders, alien abduction, zombie feasting (POV, of course), a demon spawn finds his 'papa', and a very coordinated mass suicide. Wanna see the 'papa' thing? Thought you'd never ask

Yup, that's his son. He has his dads....tendency to drool.

Thursday: Major Tom to OMG WTF IS THAT?!?!?!!?

"Your mother ate my dog!!!"

"Well, not ALL of it!"

Dead Alive, aka Braindead

     When part of your back story is about a rat/monkey hybrid whose whole existence is due to hot, dirty rat-on-monkey action, you've got to wonder what's in New Zealands water.

     Poor Lionel has an overbearing mother from hell that tries to control every aspect of his life. When a nice local girl is convinced through a tartott reading that Lionel is her dreamboat, they go for a date and immediately hit it off. Sadly, his mother isn't content with Lionel's happiness, and begins spying on them while at a zoo. While sneaking around the monkey cages, she's bitten by the rat/monkey thing mentioned earlier and it infects her with some funky virus that turns her into a flesh eating zombie. From there on, it's some sick and twisted hijinks when several other people are inadvertently zombified and poor Lionel becomes a corpse-master, keeping them all in the basement. I gather he's never heard of a wood chipper. Through all of this, his dirtball uncle shows up and blackmails him out of his 'deceased' mother's house and throws a huge party where everyone is having a ball...till the zombies get loose. Then things get nasty...

"Great day for a mow!"

...and I mean NASTY! This was actually gorier than any of the messed up Japanese films I spent all of last week watching. There was more decapitation, more blood showers, more wince-worthy scenes than anything I've ever encountered in all the years I've watched films. It was oozy, bloody, chunky, messy, drippy, and above all else, FUCKED UP!!! Until you've seen a man swallowed whole by his giant zombie mothers womb and then follow that up with a bloody menstrual expulsion from said womb....or being chased around an attic by a set of sentient and fully intact intestines, you've never seen gore.

"Yep, looks like we're done here. Spot of tea?"

    And the best part? It's not really low budget. The actors were great, the F/X was tops considering this is from the non-CGI era, and the direction was spot on. And why wouldn't it be? It was partially writen and directed by Peter Jackson. Yeah, that guy made some messed up movies before any of the Lord of the Ring films were even a screen play. One thing I suggest is if you seek out this movie, make sure it's the 97 minute feature, and not the heavily censored and sanitized 85 minute version. If you watch that one, you'll have no idea what I'm talking about.

Tuesday: That's really deep, man....

How To Suck In Space Travel And Everything Else....

Galaxy of Terror

     Oddly enough, I think this is my first Roger Corman production for the year. But it is my second Alien rip-off of the season, so let's get this clunky turd out of the way

    Some sort of mystery beast has decimated an entire crew and a rescue ship is dispatched. Honestly, the take-off, faster than light travel, and landing were all super dramatic and tense. You'd think they'd have this down by now, but nope, they suck at it. But that's not even half of this crews problem. Right from the start, things go to shit and people start dropping off like flies. Each one is killed by a manifestation of their each individual fears....wait, it wasn't Alien that got ripped off here, it was Forbidden Planet! Anyhoo, one particularly disturbing death was when the hawtest member of the crew is raped by a slimy worm-beast. Right before she dies, she has a major O and almost dies with a smile on her face. But mostly not. She was, after all, raped by a gigantic phallic metaphor.

Excuse me sir, are one of those things your wiener, or are they ALL wieners?

     When the other members of the crew find her corpse, she's naked and covered in slime. They torch her body where it sat immediately...without bothering to check for a pulse! Idiots. Starting to root for the the monster right about now. As the crew is burned beyond recognition, choked to the point of cranial explosion, and dismembered by glass shards, I realize that the bad acting isn't the actors fault as much as it's the directors. The talent pool isn't bad: Ray Walston, Robert Englund, and super creep Zalman King round out the cast of rather irrelevant people.

    This was another of those VHS rental dreams picks and the movie poster was infinitely better than the actual movie. It's considered a cult film but I don't see it. As I've said before, cult films are repeatedly viewed and this isn't a film that you'd watch more than once. And I did. Now I'll never have to again (willingly)

Monday: The greatest movie title contradiction in terms

I'm Baaack...with reasons to stay away from the beach.

Humanoids from the Deep
1980


First, sorry. Clearly the time-stamping just wasn't doable. Staying on top of my grad school stuff (and my FT job and two home businesses) is brutal, but I'm neglecting this commitment that I made to you. It seems like every year I'm gung-ho to do this...until it actually starts.

Anywho...

Shaggy monster title for a film about fish creatures? Makes sense.

I can literally sum this entire movie up in one sentence:

Prehistoric fish munch on some bad salmon and mutate into C.H.U.D.s from the deep who like to eat dogs and rape nubile young White women living in a coastal town with no Blacks and one Indian.

Seriously, that's like the WHOLE movie. These creatures were totally laughable but the thought of being pawed by one was actually gross. Apparently the fish have learned a few positions, too, and are really into an after-sex seaweed wrap. I've never been happier to be a Black woman from the city.

Gestation: complete.

This movie contains the second "birth" of this season, mimicking Alien but just not as horrifying. Yawn. This was made in the 80s, so there were plenty of natural breasts and at least one trimmed bush shot. And of course, the fish were naked, but who knows what you were seeing with that.

You can't hug with nuclear arms...but you CAN wake up long dormant prehistoric reptiles!

     Sequels. Both the bane and blessing of film making. They offer us a chance to reacquaint ourselves with a character or story that we really enjoyed. However, rarely are they about furthering a storyline or deeper character development. Most times they're about money and they'll do anything they can to get you to plunk down some hard earned cash. A hastily slapped together project that probably doesn't offer much to forward the character and usually the budget is halved so it looks cheap and half-assed. Yet, when you're granted a sequel, it's as though you've graduated to a legacy rather than a one hit wonder. You're now a franchise and if you give just enough fan-service, you'll continue down that road for a very long time. And on November 3^rd, it will be the 60^th anniversary of one character that the entire world knows and loves regardless if they're willing to admit it. For over half a century, this guy has shown up in every one of those six decades AS A HEADLINER! No cameos for this guy. Over his entire career, he's given us mixed signals as to his true nature. Sometimes he's a villain, sometimes he's the hero. One thing is for sure, his presence in a film is ALWAYS known. And who is our mystery man?

Godzilla Raids Again

     Big Daddy Atomic Lizard is the last film in our Japanese film week. And you had to see that coming. What's more Nippon than Godzilla? And tonight I'm celebrating his 60th anniversary with his first sequel.  This was the go-ahead film that, to date, has has spawned about 28 films over 60 years. This is also the first film where he fought another giant monster, Anguirus. That's right. It wasn't Rodan, it wasn't Mothra, Mechazilla, King Ghidorah, or any of the countless other foes of  'Zilla. It was Angy, the spikey pre-historic love child of a turtle, lizard, and cactus.

I'm not breaking down the film much more than this: They're first appearance in this film is when they're in mid-fight. Nothing much more is known as to why they hate each other sooo much.  Simply put, this movie is about that fight, or rather how it spills over into Osaka. In later films, they're allies. So with many of 'Zillas foes, there is apparently enough shared respect that they'll drop the petty drama and help in a fight for the planet. And sometimes, visuals work best to tell the story...

This is Godzilla

This is Anguirus.

...and this is Godzilla and Anguirus fighting

And that concludes a full week of horror films from Japan. Most of them insanely over the top and ultra violent. I realize that I have a limited knowledge of their culture, but nothing explains the sheer madness in these films. It's not even otaku fan service. It's just bizarre.

Next up, our final week of films for 2014.

we

Terror in the Karaoke Aisles...er....booths. Or maybe it was a stage.

Karaoke Terror

     What the shit? A NORMAL movie? No outlandish gore? No endless bloody showers? No insane body modding or outrageous decapitation?....huh...seems so boring now. This film is less of a horror film and more of a drama. Oh, don't get me wrong, it has a bloody element to it, but it's more murder/revenge.

     Here's a film about a group of single Nippon MILFs that love getting together for a karaoke session. When one is murdered for turning down a chance get her world rocked by some young shit-bag, they get revenge and stone cold murder his ass by scooter jousting.

That's urine. He was peeing at the time. You're welcome.

 It should be noted that despite this film's relatively down-to-earth plot, it's still 100% Japanese. Afterwards, his group of friends kills the killer that killed. See a trend starting? The rest of the movie is a slow and methodical build up to the conclusion which is a bit, here's the phrase again, over-the-top. 

Here's how the men dressed....

This is billed as a dark comedy, but it just had a stronger feeling of social examination. But that's the problem. This wasn't a horror film and was very clearly my annual mulligan (see Day of the Dolphin from 2012's list). Oddly, I was engaged throughout the movie. It was very well directed, the actors were top notch, and gave some interesting insight to the divorced female career women of Japan and how that culture views them.

...and here's how the women dressed. Stark contrast, no?

Best watched on a lazy Saturday afternoon when you don't want to watch the all-day Shawshank Redemption marathon on FX/TBS/Spike/WGN/USA/AMC.

Saturday: An old friend helps bring the conclusion to J-Pan movie week...

To Live and Die (mostly die) in Tokyo

Tokyo Gore Police

Considered one of the big daddy Japanese gore movies, this lives up to it's name.

     Ruka is a born killer when it comes to dispensing with the “Engineers”, a group of virally mutated humans that sprout weird weapons from every orifice. That's her job with the Engineer Hunters. They're a SWAT-like team of assassins that are, you're never going to believe this, rather violent in their methods. Ruka is also trying to find her fathers killer, who assassinated him when she was young. So, yeah, a pretty strong side story, right? Oh just humor me, these things make little sense.

     Most of the storyline is about a man called The Key Man, and he's the one that created the virus. Her main mission is to hunt him down and kill him. However, after meeting him in his house, and getting a fat dose of truth about her father's assassin, she chops him in half. Turns out, his father was the assassin, and he was ALSO killed shortly after that! Dick move, bro! From there on, it's a total bloodbath as the Hunters go on a killing spree, offing everyone that has the 'virus', usually in the most disturbingly violent ways possible. Also, somewhere along the way, Ruka is infected with the virus and she starts popping out weird appendages and a snapping dragon hand (?). Does it really matter at this point? Does any of this ever make sense to the Western world? Nope. It never will and that's why we're drawn towards it, even it if overloads us. Towards the end, there's a boss fight and guess who wins? Yup. Naturally, the end sets us up for a sequel but this was released in 2008, and as of 2014, nothing's happened yet. So for now, indy film houses will just have to settle for replays of this weird as fuck movie. Oh, you want to see what makes it weird? Fine:

Yes, that's his weiner. It shoots stuff. No more detail needed.

Aaaannd:

Fuck it. No comment.

Friday: One more freakshow before some sanity!

Just put reality off to the side for now....

Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl.

4^th movie in a row with over half the cast in school girl uniforms, and for once this one actually takes place in a school!

     OK, I'll be brief with this one because these are getting more and more ridiculous. I may have made a mistake putting these mid month. I might have been better off putting them in the last week since I'm already worn out from watching them. And it's only Wednesday.

     What we have here is as advertised. A a new student named Monami, who just happens to be a vampire, transfers to a new school and converts the first boy she thinks is cute. He has another woman interested in him, Kieko, and she seeks to sabotage the budding, if not forced, relationship between the two. Tempers flare and Kieko falls off the top of a building because high heels don't have brakes. Naturally, she dies but all is not lost. Here's where the other 50% of the film's title comes into play. She's resembled from the best parts of her classmates (and one teacher) by her father, a Kabuki Cop wannabe nut-ball that's really not good at Frankensteining. Regardless, he's successful and there's a big 'ol boss fight at Tokyo Tower. Monami is the winner by shredding Kieko's flesh from the bone with her own blood (ala sandblasting).

That's the short of the long. It was on par with the others in regards to outlandish gore, but this was a lot lighter in mood than the others. I actually liked this film. Here's some more highlights!

Endless blood shower in the first 2 minutes, as well as the first decapitation!

There's a horribly racist group in this film that's called the Super Dark Club. It's called ganguro, but let's be truthful and call by what it's portrayed as in this film: Blackface. Because apparently everyone on Japan still thinks African Americans look like Mr. Popo. Every stereotype is laid out there and I'm split on what the intentions were. Were they being silly or just ignorant? Either way, it's a bad idea. But still.....

More endless blood showers!

Wrist Cutter Club!

I downloaded too many pictures!!!!

...which means more damn blood showers....

Helicopter made out of discarded limbs!

Screw this, I'm going to bed.

Thursday: The TGP is so OMG...

In the Zombie Future, there are no pants....

Chanbara Beauty: Vortex The Movie

    At least I think that's the proper order of the title. It's not always as clear as you'd think. It also went by OneChanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers. And it's actually a sequel on top of that. How does this movie differ from the rest? Not much, really. Same school girl outfits, same over the top bloody violence, same weirdness, same kick-ass heroines that have amazing fighting skill despite still being in high school (evidently), and more zombies.

"This is what I wear throughout this entire movie. I don't wear pants. I might be a little skanky"

     And I guess that's the plot. Young women run around killing zombies in a post apocalyptic world where clothing is scarce (apparently) but there's always a techno-pop score in the background. There's a lot of drama but it doesn't tie into the story very well. That's mostly because there really isn't a story. It might have something to do with this film being based on a video game. And everyone knows that video games make the best movies, right? RIGHT? Oh sure, there's a back-story involving harvesting special blood and becoming immortal, but it's not written for anyone to care about. It's time filler till the next bloody bikini sword battle.

Honestly, this was terrible, but far better, and far less insane than Sunday and Monday's features. No damn tentacles or parasites. Just zombie chopping and a lot of typical nonsense but with better editing.

Wednesday: So...why do all the men a bunch of sissy's in these films?

WTF, Japan? Seriously, W T F?!?

Zombie Ass : Toilet of the Dead

     It's odd. As I was doing some minor research for this movie, I found a lot of commentors didn't think it was a real movie after seeing the movie poster. They thought it was a joke or maybe some strange fetish cos-play. Jokes on them, I guess, because the movie is real, and I really watched it. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING will prepare you for this film. I've seen a lot of messed up stuff, but nothing even close to this madness. I thought I was, but I was wrong. And your reading this from a guy that sat through both Human Centipede movies.

    We have 5 dumb-ass people head to the outdoors for some reason. One of the idiots catches a fish and starts to dress it. He finds an unusually large parasite in it and one of the female idiots grabs it and eats it. Why? She willingly ate a parasite from a fish in order to stay skinny. After a while, she her gut starts churning and heads to the loo to release the demon. She starts farting, and apparently that attracts a zombie horde also suffering from the parasites.

      Jesus fuck all, did a 12 year old write this? Well, that's the primer. The rest of the story continues down BatShit Insane Blvd and conjurors all sorts twisted and disfiguring visuals that I'm failing to put into words...

.....then at some point you just give up. You're watching the main protagonist, Megumi, fight the parasite queen mid-air while using flatulence as her propulsion and a parasitic tentacle as a weapon. Did I mention the tentacle is coming out of her ass? Well it is. And that's this entire movie in a nutshell. When you think you've seen it all, oh hell no, here's a tentacle parasite with a brain sticking out the top of it's head...though it looks more like an inverted scrotum. 

    Screw this. I'm done for the night. I can't possibly add anymore to this because I've had a full sensory overload.

Tuesday: I can do this...only a couple more days to hold out. I made a commitment to see these films. I sat through 10 (!) Puppet Master movies. My mind can take it. Fear is the mind killer......

Half Gun, Half School Girl, All Murder Machine.

Oh Japan, you never cease to amaze me. In a culture filled with honor, brutality, and panty vending machines, it shouldn't be a surprise to see hyper-violent movies bleed from your society. Actually, in many scenes it sprays like a fire hose. To be honest, I've put off seeing these insane movies for a very long time. But now, I think I've reached the logical conclusion and for the next week, this is what I'm doing. Welcome to J-pan. It's about to get freaky....

The Machine Girl

"Eyes up here, Fanboy."

     Yu is being bullied by the son of a yakuza/ninja clan. He can't come up with some money, so he and his friend are pushed to their deaths and police rule it as a suicide. His sister, Ami, takes exception to this and starts digging around. And when I mean digging around, I mean she sticks knives in people and 'digs around'. Once her revenge-spree starts, she's on a rampage, butchering the shit out of anyone and everyone until she's captured by the Yak-Ninja clan. There, sadly, she loses part of an arm. But that's a good thing because it opens the door for a major plot point.

    

With a gun like that,  you don't really need to be a good aim. Just spray and pray. Here's proof:

  

     From here on out, the movie is insanely violent, bloody, and gooooooory. The plot is really fluffy revenge and trust me, you're not watching it for a convincing story.  You're going to watch this because it's over the top violence. Every scene where someone dies is guaranteed to be horrible and full of blood spraying EVERYWHERE. People are sawed in half (vertically!), nails drove in to heads, above you see a mans skull ripped of it's flesh by a chaingun....the list goes on and on. But I save the best for last:

The Drill Bra. No, really. That's it's name.

Monday: J-Pan Day #2--->>>It's gonna get smelly....

Sunday Double Header

Frogs

How was this considered scary?

     A very young Sam Elliot and Joan Van Ark star in a movie about the environment getting all bent out of shape because of the pollution and senseless hunting. As the title implies, the frogs, as well as countless other reptiles, all band together to become eco-terrorists. Actually, the frogs appear to be the ringleaders or the brains behind the operation. You never see them actually kill anyone as most of the dirty work is done by snakes, lizards, and tarantulas.

     The death scenes are just damn silly. When someone is killed and someone, usually Mr. Elliot, finds the body, it's covered in little lizards, snakes, and spiders. It looks like someone got a little crazy with the sprinkles on their murder cupcake. One by one, they're all taken down in various manners that just aren't scary. The snapping turtle incident being the worst. Stewie Griffin once called the turtle 'Natures D student' and here we're being conned into believing that the turtle killed a lady stuck in mud. Of course it's not shown, so it's just simply implied.

Seriously? You're only ankle deep!.....Lady, you've probably had this coming for a long time.

       Eventually, the 2 hawtest people in the movie escape (along with some kids they now own) and make there way to safety...sort of. Turns out this terrorism was a little more wide spread. The only cool thing (and I do mean the ONLY cool thing) that we're treated to is an animated frog with a hand in it's mouth, post credits.

Sunday Pt. 2: Japan Week!

Not sure if that's 'Zilla or Barney

Creature

I guess it was cooler in 1986

     This is a video rental shelf teaser. We didn't get our first VHS player till 1989. So prior to that we rented from various stores, one in particular was called Sounds Easy at the local mall (circa '85-'86). I'd always walk through the horror section just to see the VHS sleeves. They always looked bloody, scary, and I wanted to watch them. My parents, however, weren't having any of that so I usually ended up with Godzilla 1985 or something similar. Before the internet, it was difficult to find these. Movies like TerrorVision, Chopping Mall, and Slumber Party Massacre were some I remember clearly and if you were lucky, you'd find them in the dustiest back shelves of the dying video rental store. Thanks to the internet, these are much easier to find but some are getting a premium for a DVD copy. Sometimes you have to dig real deep into the El Cheapo DVD bin to find a 5-10-20 movie set filled with crappy films like this that fell into public domain. Or, sometimes you just find them on Netflix. Go figure. So tonight features is Creature, based solely on the VHS sleeve I once saw in the mid-late '80s.

     What we've got is an alien that was stuck in a hibernation pod for countless years. In the future, people don't watch horror movies so they have no idea that YOU DON'T OPEN THINGS LIKE THAT. But they did, monster is released, and now it's time for some good 'ol crew butchering. This is a bit of an Alien rip-off, but there's some differences. For one, the Creature uses symbionts to control it's victims (post mortem, of course) and hunt other tasty humans. Or something like that. All that is really clear is it liked to kill, and then desecrate the corpse. Sadly, there really isn't much more meat on the bones than that. The dialog is lean, dull, but oddly technical. The F/X are decent for an upper echelon low budget film of this caliber though every time you hear the automatic doors open, you hear a re-purposed phaser sound effect which causes a little confusion as it sounds like a laser fight going on the other side of the door. Talent was on par with the budget and two actors of note are Wendy Schaal, and that dirty pedophile Klaus Kinski, father of Natasha Kinski. He's been a dead pedophile for decades and we're all thankful for that.

This is the Creature. Remind you of anyone? Anyone at all?

Over all, kinda dull but not horrid. However, I'd pick Life Force over this any day of the week.

Saturday: Ribbit.ribbit......