All children are Hell-spawns...

As usual, I want to end this years movie list with something light, fun, easy on the eyes and brain...Instead I picked:

Little Evil

     Poor Gary. He has a new bride, and with that comes a new step-son named Lucas. He appears to be the spawn of Satan. This is probably true. Right away the evidence starts piling up:

*Tells a teacher to 'go to hell', and she procedes to douse her face with lye and jump out of a window , impaling herself on a fence below

*Stares at a TV broadcasting nothing but white noise

*Makes a party clown lights himself on fire

*All previous boyfriends are dead

*Was conceived during a cult ritual (that's a big one).

     After realizing that he probably IS the hell spawn, it becomes clear to Gary he must kill the antichrist. To do so, you need the Knife Of Destiny. But killing a kid isn't that easy, especially after taking said spawn to a water park and bonding. That throws the mission upside down and creepy cultists kidnap Lucas to finish the job. Turns out, in order for Satan to come to Earth, he needs a vessel, and that vessel is Lucas. Kill Lucas, and Satan can have to body. You know what? It's a thin plot, but nowhere near the worst we've ever seen. After a climatic end which featured a demon made of fire, cultists, and a monster truck, we're treated to a happy ending we all could use.

And that's IT! I'm DONE! 31 days, 31 movies, and nearly every one of them knocked down a couple of my already struggling IQ points. Maybe a book will help with that....

'Till next year!

Say "package" one more time! I DARE YOU!!!!

 Shadow in the Cloud

30,000 ft, -40f, 180mph...this scene explodes with realism.

     A young WAC is put in charge of transporting a super special super secret package via a B-17 during WW2. Almost immediately, something is clearly not right and there's SOMETHING ON THE WING!!!

     ahem...anyway, you'll quickly be annoyed by the misogyny by clearly near-rapist air crew. They're being over-played and annoys the hell out of me right away. Where they really driven by their dick 'n' balls? The first 15 minutes tries to convince you they were after the 15th "got your packaged RIGHT HERE!!!" line, it nearly ruins the movie in the first 15 minutes. She's been deployed by a high-ranking general, yet they constantly taunt her and act as though she has no superior to report to. She's gonna tell on you!

     Nothing about this flight is right. She starts with an accent however she loses it quickly after an encounter with a Japanese plane. And she's not who she says she is.  The package (the one she was carrying, not the crotch of the mega-horny idiot airman) is a baby, and that blows the super secret angle to pieces.  Now it's just a dumb monster movie on a plane and the damn thing looks like a bat. And how did she think she was going to transport that baby without it crying?

     Let's once again put away the realism and try to overlook the tense but highly improbable baby rescue scene or the fact that the 'GOAT Generation' were a bunch of filthy pigs or *groooooaan* when she falls out of the plane, and an exploding plane below her propels her right back into the cabin.

She fell out of this hole. Then she un-fell out of it.

     Truthfully,I must admit, it's not fair for me to be so down on this movie. It is fun, and I was engaged throughout the entire movie. But you have to turn your brain off like it was an '80 Stallone movie.

Yep...she went Stallone...

Monday: The final film...

Yep...I peaked with Sky Sharks...

Shark Side of the Moon

     A secret lab in Soviet Russia circa mid '80s has created a shark/man hybrid for reasons unknown. Naturally, the sharks escape and somehow make it onto a Soviet space shuttle and end up on the moon. And somehow they survive for the next 30 years. They survive so well, in fact, that Sharkmen have developed a society and are at war with the only 2 humans on the moon. Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?!?

     This....is a bad movie. It wants to be good, it wants to be taken serious, but it just looks so stupid! We've been tempered to push realism out the door when it comes to movies, but how the hell are you going to explain ditching a space suit for a chainmail helmet and pea coat? Oh, created on the moon were they? HOW?!? There's no infrastructure to help advance the science needed to create that miracle not-suit. OH, and spear hunting? They're hunting the man-sharks on the moon with fucking spears! How the fucking hell did you sell that to your multi-cultural cast? You want more details? There aren't any! All the man-sharks look like someone tried to do a live-action reboot of the Street Sharks cartoon and somehow one of them speaks perfect ENGLISH...despite being 'born' in Mother Russia. And using a lava field to destroy the man-shark city? Again this is on the moon. And the epilog? A lady-person-shark gives birth to another man-shark hybrid...ala immaculata. This all makes my head hurt. Maybe not make movies, Tubi?

Sunday: My final 2 films, the end is near!

Goodbye, Shark Week!!!...probably see you next year....

Quit wasting cool titles!!!!

 Sharkula

     2 dopey meatheads are invited to work in a fishing village.

Said meatheads

     Their mysterious employer sends his Renfield to greet them and help them settle in. Everything about the town is strange, and Renfield is extra weird. That's because his employer is none other than Dracula! And Drac has a pet shark that hangs out in the water and eats sacrifices offered up by him and his disciples. But none of that is important. What's important is the gross mis-use of a kick ass movie poster and slick title:

...while in reality we're given this jackass again:

Said Jackass

...and this fucking vampire shark:

You went with this?!?

...all while filmed in 20fps. This title and presentation had everything going for it...till you actually watch it. It's at that point you realize they wasted a cool title, kick-ass movie poster, and usable idea and turn it into a steaming tightly packed coil that some lazy neighbor left on our front lawn. This is not a movie to be celebrated, this is a movie to be pitied. Balls!!!

Saturday: I may have peaked with Sky Sharks....

Never turn your back on a shark....

 Jaws Of The Shark

This poster should have been a clue

     You know that feeling when you've been watching movies almost every day for nearly a month and they start to lose their impact? And you run out of things to say about an hour long shark movie featuring a guy in one of the worst shark suits you've ever seen wielding a chainsaw? And it's filmed on a camcorder by people whose first language isn't English? And none of them are really actors? Or script writers?  Yeah, that's what I'm experiencing right now. It's like a cold, emotionless state that doesn't care if a bunch of Swedish idiots go camping in shark-infested woods and (surprise) find a shark that has strange tastes that might be considered 'conduct unbecoming''.

     That's what this movie's about. Sweded doing their best to act American while spoofing shark movie tropes in the cheapest way possible. Is it funny? Yes, it's humorous, stupid, and full of dumb fun. It's a welcome addition after Noah's Shark.

Friday: Wait...this asshole again?!?

The Nuclear Option

 Atomic Shark

     Baywatch -wannabe lifeguards living their stupid lives, watching the water for people in distress and sharks. Their lives suddenly change when burnt fish start showing up on the beach and a glowing shark starts eating and burning (?!?) people. 

     This movie is full of vapid idiots, satirical hollywood types, and peoples general lack of understanding radiant particles and radioactive materials...and sharks. But alas, none of us are here for realism, right? I mean look at this thing:

I know it's a kid, and his head explodes, but he had it coming

     The 'humor' really cranks up (not really) when Dave Faustino pervs his way in mid-film. I'm not going to lie; I did chortle a couple of times at the intentional jokes so it wasn't a complete waste of time. Plus, lots of people die and some even deserved it!

Thursday: Friends Don't Let Friends Make Movies II: The Sharkening...

A priest, a director, and a shark walk into a bar....

 Noah's Shark

NOTHING IN THIS POSTER HAPPEND IN THE MOVIE

 A thoroughly boring movie about a priest, exorcisms, the Ark, a shark, and fighting boredom.

     Whatever your concerns are about theology, I can assure you this movie will not help.  A priest that specializes in exorcisms for a cable access show loses his 'job' after a teen clearly possessed by a demon accuses him of 'bad touch'. I'm very sceptical of this accusation considering it's a teen girl and not a 8 year old boy. Nonetheless, he has a new calling to follow a yellow brick road to the Ark. And I guess there's a shark guarding it. How original, thought provoking, and spiritual.

     This movie is a test, nay, PROOF of my patience. One of the most boring, ill-conceived pieces of tripe I've ever had the displeasure of nearly falling asleep to and the only good part is when the shark starts eating people. And even THAT was a let down.

     Obviously, not all shark movies can be cool, but....you can try a lot harder than this gutless turd.

Wed-nes-day: A clearer understanding of why people do not know the actual effects of radiation....

It's still better than the MILF movie...

Sky Sharks

Everything you see in this poster happened in the movie. For once.

     A flight over the Atlantic is interpreted by Nazi zombies flying sharks. And by interrupted, I mean boarding and slaughtering everything inside the plane, somehow at over 500 mph, 30k feet in the air. Now this is the kind of silly I can get into!

     Shorty after, an expedition uncovers a giant Nazi ship filled with...Nazis! Who knew, right? Upon arrival, this movie wastes no time and dives right into the gory, flying stark infested skies. Did I mention the flying sharks had a Predator-like stealth camo mode? Yeah, this film has everything! It's big dumb fun and 1000x better than all of the Sharknado movies put together. However, this also means that it suffers from the same 'Over-The-Top' action scenes at the climax which features the good guys getting an even BIGGER shark to fly around and kill all the now-inferior little sharks. It doesn't have to make sense, it's a shark movie! It uses Shark Math and that's all that matters...well, that, and the post credit sequel spoiler!

Tuesday: Behold the cleansing flood.....

This one gonna hurt...

 4 M.I.L.Fs vs. Zombies

     I thought it would be funny. I thought the title would lead to a novel treat. What I got was another fucking zombie movie filmed with whomever had the best camcorder and an over abundance of bewbs. "But you like bewbs!" Yes, yes I do, but I'm not 14 anymore and I have the internet that's filled with REAL porn should I choose to view it. So what we have is a useless boob movie masquerading as a zombie film...which is useless as well. So who is this catering to?

Presenting your MILF heros.

     Nobody. This movie is for nobody. 90 minutes you'll never get back, borderline misogynistic, and the best line was "Holy shit! Dead tits!!!" Run away. There's no point in going over the script because it was indeed written by a 14 year old WITH NO INTERNET ACCESS. It's not a good boob movie, it's not a good zombie movie. It's got some chuckle-worthy one-liners, but honestly, I stopped paying close attention half way and somehow this was stretched out to 90 minutes!

One question I have about every 'zombie' movie ever:

Zombies are often depicted eating intestines, but those are mostly filled with poo. So...zombies like brains AND poo? Whatever, fuck this stupid movie and everyone in it.

Moving on.....

MONDAY!!!: Shark week begins...it's going to be stupid...

Making extreme BDSM sexxxy!

 Hellraiser (2022)

Can a new foray into Clive Barker's EXTREME S&M fetish compare to all the other reboots?

     A couple of idiots that have never seen a horror film break into a storage container, steals a box that's inside a box inside a much larger box. Later, one of the idiots starts playing with the box and *surprise*, it draws blood by stabbing her hand. At this point, what you should do is charter a boat, go out to the middle of the ocean, and drop that box into Davy Jones'  locker. But again, these idiots have never seen a horror movie and it just continues on. 

This is how dumb  happens

     This is a pretty fresh movie so I'll be light on the details. But suffice to say the usual tail of blood, hooks, deceit, and extreme body modding rule this film. But how did the the female Pinhead hold up? Well...decent, but not amazing. It's strange to say, but her dialog was monotonous and her presentation was sadly uncharismatic.

Me? Better dialog for you?

     Truthfully, nobody will ever replace Doug Bradly, and I was really looking forward to this new slant. Jamie Clayton has a decent resume but character is a bit of a reach for her. Make no mistake, I think she did a great job but I got the feeling she was heavily restricted and her dialog needed a touch-up.  

As for the other cenobites, Asphyx was the creepiest and the only one that really stood out. That labored breathing was horrid and the audio really drilled it home.  

Overall, I think you'll find something in this movie to like and it is worth your time to watch.

Sadly, this doesn't make up for Sunday: Certainly the dumbest movie  on this years list...

How to love a killer...

Blood Hook

     Five idiot co-eds venture to a fishing cabin "in the north" for some sort fishing contest and to inspect said cabin that one of the morons inherited. The back-story on the cabin is something happened, a grandpa disappeared, and ooOoosoooOo spooky! Anyway, the insta-hate for every one of these societal flaws runs deep.

     So the killer uses fishing equipment to 'catch' people and kill them. Yes, it's a giant lure that kills people and this silliness has Troma written all over it. As the killer starts knocking off people, you realize you how much you love him because the these people have it coming: an O.G. Karen, Punk Rocker Dork,  Stupid Middle Aged Fisherman, Pretty Love Interest That Basically Cheated On the Fishing Hero, and Fishing Hero. Meh...nobody will miss them.

    Once it becomes clear who the killer is...

It's this guy

...and why he's killing (something to do with bugs, music, and a metal plate in his head), we're treated to a anti-climatic climax scene that includes a fishing fight with 2 guys hucking giant lures at each other to see who dies first. At that point, the only thing that dies is your hope for man-kind's contribution to the cinematic arts. And because EVERYONE sucks at their job, the bad man, (our hero), escapes to wander and terrorize the woods and hopefully find more horney college co-eds to...um...hook up with(?).

Some random notes:

I keep hearing the Taco Bell chime

How the fuck did this get stretched out to almost 2 hours?!?

So there's a killer on the loose but people find it a good idea to go outside alone...in the dark?

Deaths by:

Death By Giant Lure

Death By Giant Lure

Death By Giant Lure (damn it, she survived)

Death By Giant Lure

Death By Giant Lure 

Death By Giant Lure & Hook Pole

Saturday: When in doubt, reboot...

Down the Rabbit hole we go...

 Evil Bong 888: Infinity High

     Rabbit spends his inheritance opening a very classy restaurant in an attempt to move beyond his weed smoking past. The first person to walk in the door is a bimbo with a face frozen because of the extreme amount of collagen lodged inside. She also has huge boobs and no talent. Yet somehow she ends up with a job as a hostess. It's probably the boobs.

     Later we meet a stereotypical German that cooks French food. 2 useless waitresses, and that goddamn stupid bong, EeBee. Somehow she (it's a she/her, right? I don't recall a specific pronoun) is helping in the kitching and calling everyone 'muthafucka'. Guess what? I hate EVERYONE in this movie. And despite a total runtime of 59:09, it still felt like forever.

     The restaurant attracts every sort of complete idiot you can imagine and with the help of EeBee, they all get stoned, eat tons of food, take their shirts off, and act like extreme Karens. Pretty soon, the fuzz show up to arrest Rabbit and suddenly he spawns Larnell. 5 words came out of his mouth and I remember why I hate him so much. In the end, everyone is sucked back into EeBee's world in order to prevent being sucked into Rabbit's mind and we're PROMISED this is the last we see of these fucking idiots. 

GO. AWAY.

Friday: Troma to the rescue...

Why do people forget how to run?

 Blackenstein

Trust me, every version of the movie poster was terrible

     Doctor Winifred Walker's husband was badly wounded in Vietnam losing most of his limbs to a mine or something. A former teacher has been working on some magic DNA science and she thinks he might be able to help. He agrees to help and the husband is transferred to his lab. During the experiments on her husband, one of the lab assistants professes his love for Winifred and naturally she turns him down. So, he goes all pissy-pants and doses her husbands experimental fluid with poorly labeled containers filled with....something. Hell if I know, it was just colored water. This, in turn creates one of the most bloated Frankenstein's Monster I've ever seen and also the least convincing version. Stiff and dull seems to sum it up best. 

You seriously can't out run him?!?

     Anyhoo, our thicc monster does the usual rampage thing, kills some innocent people, kills some bad people,  and ends up being torn to pieces by dogs...somehow they were stronger than bullets? Yeah, I don't watch these for realism.

     I don't get it....how could a blaxploitation horror film from the '70s with a budget that equals a handful of postage stamps have acting issues? And f/x issues? And writing issues...?!? Mind-blowing! You'd think everyone would be all about this film and not just out for a quick buck.😒

Thursday: Damn it, these idiots again....8th time's the charm, right?

If you're in need of a nap....

 Dracula on Holiday

     It's a simple idea: Drac is old, boring and stuck in his ways, possibly consumed by fears. But in his defense, his fears include water, garlic, sunlight, bibles, crosses...the usual things that KILL VAMPIRES. I would call these reasonable fears for a man of his condition. But if people were reasonable, we wouldn't have this stunning plot. So, it's off to Scotland  to see the sights with his trusty Renfield and some lady name Lucy in tow. And for the next 1hr 20min they do so in the most benign fashion possible. Then the ex shows up...but...SFW!!!

    This movie is soooooo boring!!!  Cripes, what a waste of time. I could have been reading q-codes instead of sitting through this. This was as much a horror movie as the Halloween movies are to training for long distance running. I'm sure this looked good on paper, but it clearly did not translate well. Maybe having one guy do pretty much everything stifled the creative process? Please observe: 

Moving the hell on...

Wednesday: A cinematic classic from 1973...

Friends don't let friends make horror movies...

Return to Splatter Farm

     Tell me if you've heard this story before....Idiot friends go on a weekend trip to a farm that has a deadly reputation. Another idiot that lives there helps all of them die. There's no new hook, nothing unique or noteworthy, and is 100% a complete waste of time. Everyone in this movie should consider a career at Best Buy, Kohl's, or maybe something really exciting like office drone in an insurance company.

     Was this a fucking school project? Or was it a group of friends that said "We know how to make movies!!!". That is a lie. They do not know how to make a movie. To call it ham-fisted acting, featuring stiff and awkward deliveries would be a massive understatement. Ya know what?! I'm not going to take any of this serious if  you idiots can't!

But not all is lost! It's only 72 minutes. Hooray!!! But seriously, don't watch this movie.

Tuesday: You're taking a vacation from what, exactly?

Time to whack it!

Killer Pinata

Movie posters ALWAYS overrate the film

     A sentient pinata has had its fill of the way humans treat pinatas, so it goes on a murder spree, exacting revenge for all that have fallen to the candy-lust of children. Bought for a birthday party, it was spared because the child picked another pinata. However, it is forced to watch that pinata be bludgeoned to death for it's sweet candy entrails. Meanwhile, the shopkeeper that sold it is hunting it down because she knows it's evil. Her first clue was it murdered one of her employees. Also, she has a hook for a hand. I have no idea why that's a detail, but she uses it to maul innocent pinatas in her quest to stop the real one. Way to go, Capt. Ahab! 

     This is an intentionally bad movie, but...it actually has a director that knows how to direct. There was an over use of slo-mo, but it can be forgotten because it was placed well. Wow, the even had a decent editor? I'll put money down it was the same guy. 

Some boring movie notes:

The Killer Pinata bit a guys weiner off...AFTER fellating him.

I find the lack of .gifs for this movie disturbing

Thats not fake blood, that's fucking red paint! That's a new low!

The hand hook is never explained. I want that back story!

Rumor has it there's a sequel.....

Monday: What happens on the farm can easily be hidden....

In Name Only....

Xtro 3

     Some military dork meets with a reporter to tell his story about the government cover-up of aliens on a small island that was long forgotten. His mission was to take a squad of fuck-ups to the island and diffuse bombs/mines left over from WWII. While searching for mines, they uncover a  lot of strange items including human remains. This being an Xtro movie means stupid aliens are involved. The alien had been encased in a concrete vault, but our idiot protagonists cracked it open and freed the alien. Naturally, the alien starts butchering everyone. At this point, I'd normally root for the alien, but it's literally a dummy. Not a guy dressed up, just a mannequin...or alieninequin? Oh, it also has a electrified lasso tongue, vomits gooey web from its mouth, and can go into a chameleon mode (totally NOT ripping off Predator).

Scary stuff

     This is a pointless movie. The only thing this film has in common with its predecessors is aliens. I watched this simply because I'm compelled to finish out a franchise, no matter how bad (see: Evil Bong). The story sucked, F/X sucked, and not even Tom Hank's younger brother could help the shitacular acting. When you can't act like you're smoking a pot pipe despite probably having used one hundreds of times in real life...you know you've got problems. Yet somehow, they managed to stretch this turd out for 96 minutes. And somehow I sat through all of it. I'm beginning to think I'm some sort of bad movie masochist.

Sunday: Please don't mess this one up....

Zzzzzzzzzzsnurklzzzzzzz

Night Vision 

     An aspiring writer from Kansas moves to 'the big city' to become a famous writer or something. Instead, he ends up in a "dive" apartment that's huge and only costs $60 week with a once a week turndown service. That's...a dream place for a LOT of people.

     While searching for a job, our protagonist visits a video store and meets the 'rough around the edges' owner and she rents him a VCR and hands him a job app. She also berates people for renting porn from her video store...the store she owns and procures tapes for. Great business plan. On top of that she likes to smoke, drink beer, and chew gum...all at the same time.

     Somehow, he ends up with a magic VCR that predicts the future....and it's also possessed by the devil or something. People start dying, cultists are looking for it, friends have existential crises...it's a whole thing...a VERY boring thing...But hey, his writing is getting better! Do you see the irony there?

     This movie is great if you need sleep. It's so boring, it'll put you in a coma. There's nothing scary, the characters are flat-lining all of their dialog and the one sex scene was as interesting as watching milk curdle.

This movie is best watched while you're already asleep.

Saturday: Third time's the charm...

Warning: This movie contains a pointless Cheech & Chong reference ...

 Lowriders Vs. Zombies from Space

     I'll be brief because this movie was brief. A meteor lands near a weed farm and it somehow infects the marijuana with something that makes your face break out in green & black face paint and then compels you to murder people if you smoke it. Soo...technically the title isn't even right because the zombies are actually terrestrial and not from space? Also...everyone drives lowriders. And that's pretty much the entire 'movie'.  

Ahem....

57 minutes of people acting like they're from East L.A. 

57 minutes of weed references

57 minutes of guys super happy to have their lowrider in a micro-budget movie

38 minutes before the first zombie finally showed up

     With a proper script, this could have been a fun film. But in fact, it was a missed opportunity. The cast didn't even look like they were having fun on what's clearly a friend flick. Jokes on you when you find out the idiots that make the Evil Bong did a better job, and that's so-sad

Everyone in Japan has extreme hypertension...

 Meatball Machine: Kodoku

I can assure you this isn't anime.

     The first 25 minutes of the movie is a depressing story of a single 50 year old man that hates his life because he lets himself be a peon. After being diagnosed with cancer, he's decides to grow a set of balls and goes on one of the most passive aggressive rampages I've ever witnessed.

     At the same time, 2 weird ladies in some rather fashionable clothing are drawing lines all around the city. The reason for this is to create a 'landing pad' for a giant glass cylinder...thing. It basically creates an impenetrable dome and anything directly under the edge of it is cut in half. Hilarity ensues. Finally, blood gore violence!

Awwwwyeeeeaaaa!!!

     Inside the glass, the fashionistas reveal their true nature: They harbour the strange gory body modder thing from the first movie. Basically, we're back to the gameshow gorefest competition of strange creatures invading peoples bodies, re-writing their DNA to become badass fighters. It becomes weird and creepy...but always gory!

     However, our sad middle aged protagonist's cancer prevents the parasitic takeover and be maintains his own conscience despite the modding. The rest of the movie is chock full of brutal fights, over the top gore, and even some bewbs! Though, I have to admit, it does get silly after the first hour...and then it also become super serious. Really, it's just titties, gore, and existential crises

Thursday: Cultural appropriation for a low budget movie script is not cool, brah!!!

The Unnecessarily Long Movie Title That Almost Appears To Be A Run-On Sentence.

 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies

     Lazy hip-katz head to an amusement park for some good old fashion 'fun'.  The idiot trio decides to have their fortune read. It didn't go so well, and eventually one of the lazy idiots ditches his girlfriend to watch the least naked stripper I've ever seen. For nearly 15 minutes, we're subjected to song and dance numbers by a wannabe Patsy Cline. WHY?!? It's so misplaced! Then our dumb lazy anti-hero is hypnotized and they finish up just in time for another fucking musical number. Next thing you know, he's become the least convincing murder and kills the wannabe. Fine, I don't care. I hate ALL of these people. They're lame and boringANDOHFUCKINGLOOK, ANOTHER DAMN MUSICAL NUMBER!!! This isn't a fucking Elvis movie, damn it! Where's the fucking zombies? This isn't a horror movie, this is Star Search! Get off the stage, you Gong Show reject!

Congrats. You sprayed a mask with spray-foam and painted it. So scary...

     Anyhoo, our lazy Jughead fanboy confronts his hypnotizer about this bad memory and that only leads to more hypnotism and a murder spree. When he returns, he's treated to a hero's return by getting acid thrown in his face. She tried to put him in the closet, but a horde of zombies escape (oh, THERE'S the damn zombies) and kills her and her accomplice dead. In the end, nearly everyone is shot by the cops and this dumb musical is over.

2 Things I learned:

There's a reason MST3K bombed this movie (I refuse to say 'riffed')

There's a reason the director/main character spent the 70s and 80s filming porn

Wednesday: More Nippon Madness...

Aww shit...it's dubbed....

 Devil Story

 

    First off, we're treated to a guy in a horrible mask and SS uniform running around, stabbing people. Then we meet his mom who doesn't seem to mind all the killing. There's also a black stallion, a mummy, a mummy bride...this movie is all over the place. I can't make heads or tails of what the hell is going on. For example, why add thunderstorm track to a very clearly, overcast DAY.? There was a scene where a  black demon horse was play-fighting some random and it would show the horse frolicing around on said overcast day complete with thunderstorm soundtrack. HOWEVER, when flipped back to the guy the horse is fighting, it was very clearly NIGHTTIME. That's some damn fine editing, idiot. There's countless examples of this and the absolute saddest part about this movie is that it's NOT a joke! This isn't an intentional comedy, it's just funny because nobody knew how to make  proper movie! There's no consistency, there's no dialog...hell, the terrible F/X are completely overshadowed by all of this...stuff! Useless stuff that doesn't grow a plot or tie ANY scene together. Just random bits of non-acting and no story thrown together for what turned out to be our amusement. Nothing is ever explained! Why is the Nazi zombie even a thing, what's the deal with the mummy and his 'bride', and why is he vomiting expired blue milk?

What did you eat?!?

I'm over this pile of stupid. On to Tuesday: They're just confused...

'80s homemade VHS movie that's NOT porn?!?

 Channel 13

How did this homemade turd warrant a poster?

     I'm not going to sugar coat this one. It is indeed a homemade horror film complete with bad...er, better make that NO acting, bad F/X, but an A++ for good intentions. An anthology based around the mythical Channel 13, hosted by some dweeb with a mask. 

Sorry, I'm not scared. I just feel humiliated for you.

All Hallows Eve

    A pathetic dork somehow turns a scarecrow sentient to do his bidding. Which is mostly revenge for being picked on...because he's a pathetic dork. In the end, his face is melted on an electric stove.

Claws Of Terror

    Another pathetic dork wearing nothing but blue denim decides winter is the best time to go for a stroll in the country with his bag full of bird seed. He's wrong, and a giant bird eats him and steals all his bird seed. Moving on....

Slaughterhouse

     This pathetic dork wears a white flower sack over his head and chops up peoples bodies for the family 'Sauce Farm'. Great marketing. It was mostly filling to round out the 1.15 hour total run time.

     This whole movie was supposedly 'lost', and the maker completely forgot about its existence(?). Despite it being simple, and um...entry level, it still would have taken a lot of work and that makes it hard for me to believe this was forgotten. Nonetheless, I still had some fun with this ala Geek Maggot Bingo. Good effort, gold star for you!

Monday: Another turd in the punch bowl...