"I don't think the air holes you put into my condom are working"

Dude Bro Party Massacre III

     This is a production from the group that gave us 5 Second Films. Literally, the films are 5 seconds long and while you may not LOL, you will crack a smile. Naturally when they were crowdfunding this, I was eager to see the end results.

     The long of the short is, the remaining survivor of twin brothers infiltrates a fraternity that his murdered sibling was part of in order to find his killer. They end up at a camp on a lake, and wacky hi-jinks ensue. Over the top violence, blood that sprays everywhere, dark humor, tons of 'bro-y' frat-ness,  and some cameos by Larry King, Nina Hartley, and Patton Oswalt.

     I don't want to go into detail because quite frankly, I've seen this before. It's a spoofy mash-up of a crap-ton of horror tropes that we know and probably grew up with and this was no exception. If you've seen Scary Movie...ANY of them, you've seen this. This is one I've wanted to see for a while and it's really hard for me to not be critical. For 3 years I've put this off because I was too cheap to buy the download or DVD/Bluray. This year, I said 'fuggit' and splurged. I did enjoy it, but I was really hoping for something different. There were some great lines, but I think I let the 3 year build up overrate this and I was left with a 'meh' feeling. I couldn't even find any decent gifs to share!

     That being said, I'm done! 31 days and 31 movies in the books. I think this years stand-outs from my list are The Void, The Devils Candy, and Holidays. The biggest turd was Halloween Pussy Trap Kill! Kill! without a doubt.

Now I'm off to read a book or whatever it takes to kill off the next 2 months of depressing holiday cheer.

I've never heard of a 'dicky' and I'm not Frenching a zombie/demon hybrid...

Dead Before Dawn

     So when your Occult shop owning grandfather tells you NOT TO TOUCH THE SUPER SCARY URN on the top shelf....the first thing you should do is show it off to the hottie you have a thing for. But if you played it safe, we wouldn't have a movie! But that's what happens when Casper (not the ghost) covers for his Grandfather who's receiving a occult lifetime achievement award. It also doesn't help that you're an overly cautious safety nerd.

     So breaking the urn had consequences. When it breaks, everything that the group said turned out to curse anyone they made eye-contact with. Which means people that catch their gaze kill themselves, then become 'zemons', which is half zombie-half demon. Also, if you want to make one of the zemons your slave, just make out with it! See, that's why you don't put young adults in charge of scripting curses.

     Naturally, (or is it 'supernaturally'?), there's a way to break the curse, but I really didn't  pay attention to that. I was more enamored by the silly black humor that was spread throughout the film. Thankfully it wasn't repetitious or overdone. There were only a few boring or predictable scenes. It made for a nice light movie and that's what I was looking for at the end of this month. I've seen people killed soooo many ways that I'm getting a little desensitized. And it's no surprise that happens about the same time every year.

Wednesday: The final flick and everybody in this film needs to die.......

The only purge film I want to see...

Meet The Blacks

     The Blacks have moved from Chicago to Beverly Hills to live the good life in a safe neighborhood...right before the annual Purge. Despite total denial form Carl, the father, the Purge starts and all the skeletons come out of the closet. For example, the money that afforded them a house in Beverly was stolen from a drug-lord, a very pissed off agent from Visa Card, and the business owner of a bouncy house rental whom Carl stiffed.

     It's just a hair over-the-top, stereotypical, and a lot of fun without feeling the need to apologize. Don't think too hard, just try to have fun with it. Besides, where else are you ever going to see a white-faced Snoop Dogg?

Better than UFC on PPV...

Freddy Vs. Jason

     Long awaited fan-service film for people that were waaaay to into Jason & Freddy. We watched them, but we made fun of them because they really did get silly. And this film...well....nothing ever really changes.

     From the start, we're told that the only way Freddy can keep coming back is if people remember him. The town has gone to obscene lengths to 'forget' about him, so he calls out his homey Jason to start killing and get people remembering The Fred. Chopping up horny teens is the BEST way to do that. It works, and guess who's back!

     Basically, Jason is working as Freddy's werewolf. He's sent in to build belief in Freddy, and in turn build his strength so he can kill whatever's left. Seems kind of like sloppy seconds or last call for a bar hook up, but whatever. Once the killings start, the story of Freddy starts spreading thanks to 2 buds kept in an asylum busting out and spreading the word. They were in there and kept isolated because they were some of the last kids to have contact with The Fredster.

    Unlike all the other Friday movies, this one avoids the stalk kill. It leans heavily toward the Nightmare ethos and that's fine because it's a lot less linear. However, we're back to the silly antics of Freddy.

     Sadly, all is not well with the agreement between Freddy and Jason after Jason starts stealing kills from Freddy. Freddy takes exception to this and the battles begin. And trust me, the battles aren't hokey. In fact, it's best part of the movie! I was worried that this would be a total let down due to some lame half ass fight. But no, they go all out and that was what SHOULD have happened! Blood EVERYWHERE! It's a battle of horror titans, damn it! Wreck EVERYTHING!!! Watching them kick the shit out of each other made a decent movie better but one thing I know for sure...I'm not cleaning up that mess.

      This is the end of this year's Sequel Hell. I've now seen every Friday movie with the exception of the pointless 2009 reboot that I saw sitting in the $5 bin at Walmart this very night. I'll probably go back and get it but I thought it a stupid idea to reboot a series that is constantly telling the same story over and over. It's been told 11 times. What's a reboot/remake going to do? There's also a TV series, but that's going to cost a lot more for the DVD set, so maybe we'll visit that in the future.

That Freddy! Always a teaser!!!

     Deaths By: Machete to stomach, machete to back, beheading, machete to the front EVERYTHING,  double machete stabbing.  neck spinning, flaming machete to the back, machete to chest x 3, burning to death, evisceration, coat hook impalement, tree slapping, dying in each others arms like a good bunch of homicidal maniacs in love should.



Monday: Down to the final 3. They probably suck....

Tastes like bad guitar riffs and insanity...

The Devils Candy 

     Our movie starts with an unshaven Uncle Fester hammering away at a guitar in what's presumed to be the middle of the night. Mom has had enough and unplugs the guitar and informs him that his Jimmy Hendrix-wannabe-ass is going back to the mental hospital. He disagrees and kills mamma. Months later, the house is sold to a Father/Daughter/Mamma trio. The father is an artist that is bordering on hipsterism, while the mom is some sort of office drone.  Daddy has turned the shed into a workshop and starts hearing voices which becomes a muse and he starts some wicked paintings that are somewhat prophetic.

      Soon, the Hendrix wannabe shows up and wants to just hang out in his old house. The new residents say 'no, go fuck yourself' and he runs off and kills a kid. Sweet guy, no?  After shaking off the sluggish first half, the movie takes a much more intense turn featuring home invasions, kidnapping, nearly getting butchered, shot, immolated, and I have to say, I fucking loved it. Not often does my heart-rate pick up when watching films, but this did the trick. Every move the director could have made to invoke a response worked on me and for once, I felt like I had watched a horror film. Though the story isn't' very deep, everything else compensated for it.

     The cast is filled with people I don' t know, but they did a spot on job. Tony Amendola is the only recognizable face here. And even though it's a brief scene, he owns it.

     One other thing I loved about this movie is its mostly metal sound track. It was well timed, felt native to the film, and thankfully not overbearing.

Sunday: Best friends forever!!!!

In space, nobody can hear you face-palm....

 Jason X

    Uhh....somehow Jason is still alive and in a research facility. You know how well that will work, so he inevitably escapes. While attempting to to murder everyone in the facility, he's trapped in a cryo tank and frozen, but not before claiming one last victim. We jump ahead 445  year, and super smart future people open his tank and even frozen, he still manages to cut someones arm off! After a bunch of sciency stuff, both Jason and last victim are revived. And as you know, things get a lot stabbier when that happens.

     While Jason does his prey-stalking you're treated to a bunch of typical future space tropes including, but not limited to, a Space Machete. In a lot of ways, it reminded me of Andromeda and I half expected Sorbo to to be a deus ex machina. At about the 3/4 point in the movie, Jason is beat back into an infirmary where nanobot things reformat him to become Future Space Jason. Sure...I'll buy it. A lot of nuttier things have happened in this franchise. Makes perfect sense. We've had Hellraiser and Leprechaun in space, so why the hell not?

Don't worry. She's a robot that nobody liked.

    The only scene that saved this movie was the virtual campers. It almost makes up for this superfluous Jason vs Star Trek film. You don't really need to watch the entire movie, so just jump to that scene and call it watched!

"Hey, you want to drink a beer?"

Deaths by: Stabbing, spearing, freezing face mash, stabbing by future machete, wall+skull bash, neck snapping, impalement with an auger, machete to throat, chopping in half, beheading, electrocution, and sucked through vent via cabin decompression.


Saturday: This has NOTHING to do with candy....

People still wear tutus? Are they doing it ironically?

Halloween Pussy Trap KILL KILL

     This film starts with a generic Middle Eastern battle with US soldiers. 3 of the American soldiers are captured and shot, beheaded, or had their face ripped off. We skip ahead to some dorky crap band playing club gigs and they really suck. There's some inner turmoil and one of the members is kicked out for trying to rape one of the other band mates, and that's a pretty solid deal breaker. On the road to the next gig they meet a very humbled Richard Grieco trying to act like a hick-neck. He ends up gassing them and trapping them in a dungeon. That's when Dave Fucking Mustaine introduces himself as The Mastermind (aka the guy that had his face ripped off), and proceeds to give them even more gas causing hallucinations and I guess it's a torture porn movie?
     The rest of the movie is a Saw ripoff where the 'contestants' make their way through chamber after chamber to earn their freedom, usually after causing someone else's death. I don't know what this film is trying to be. It's got good title, but it's like a cross between a Tromaville movie and a really shitty Tromaville movie. It's a damn dime store Saw, and it fails. Damn it, I thought it was going to be a FUN movie.

   Congratulations, you've won this years Worst Movie honor.

Next time, make the title more accurately reflect what it is:  Stupid People overacting in a Terribly Written Film'.

Friday: X marks the spot, I guess...

Oh so NOW the Feds want to get involved....

Jason Goes To Hell : The Final Friday
aka #9

     Hawty undercover FBI agent lures Jason into a trap by getting naked. Which honestly, is a pretty good plan. They completely annihilate him in an ambush so it was really more of a assassination. Jason is blown to bits and they could really just end the movie there. But no, we've got another hour and twenty minutes to go.

     While performing the autopsy on the bits and pieces left over, Jason's still beating heart possesses a man who then quickly devours it. When you've run out of ideas to bring him back, just rely on the vague and ambiguous.

nomnomnomnom

     After taking the pathologist for a test drive, we meet our next group of victims making thier way to Camp Blood, aka Crystal Lake. Everybody knows the stories but they keep coming like some dumb horny suicide cult. They're quickly dispatched and Jason decided it's time to change bodies. He does so by...um...spitting some sort of dark mouth turd into the hosts mouth. Non of this is making sense to me. From the start they introduced Steven Williams as some wandering bounty hunter that's got full insight and know's that Jason is possessing bodies. His character is annoying and useless even after he explains what's going on. But that's the problem with this movie! You get overloaded with details and plot turns. There's so many other things going on that I don't care about. Why would you ever make a Jason movie with some sort of deep plot? Stick to slashing, not fucking magic daggers or parasites! Enough of this, I'm sure the next one will be back on track...

Deaths by: Probing, slashing, long spikey thing through the back, knife to back, post possession melting, really hard smack to the face, fryer drowning, chin jam, reverse spearing w/head crush, and a lot more implied deaths that might just be concussions. Hard to say.

Thursday: The title is VERY misleading....

Kevin Smith smokes too much weed....

Tusk

     There's a lot to digest here, but I'll try my best.  Two idiots have a pod cast. One of the idiots travels around getting face to face with weird people that end up in video memes or whatever.  While in Canada searching for a boy that cut his leg off on video, he encounters an old man that would love to tell some amazing stories of his life's travels. The meeting goes as expected till he passes out. When he wakes, he's surprised to see one of his legs missing.  This is all perfectly understandable but he's not buying the 'spider bite = amputation' explanation and then it goes down hill from there.  We soon learn that this old man has a thing for walruses and just needs a new walrus friend. That means the ever-annoying character played by Justin Long MUST become a walrus. And to do that, he must wear a walrus suit!

Who's a happy walrus? This guy!

     And before you know it, he's a very ugly walrus and this film went over the edge. Eventually his girlfriend and best boy start running around Canada looking for him and they agree to meet with Guy LaPointe aka Johnny Depp who has been on the trail of this old man nut-job.  Meanwhile, there's a walrus fight and justice prevails but also hands you an ambiguous ending.

That right there is cold blooded walrus suit MURDER.

 
     Like a lot of Kevin Smith films, there might be some social commentary mixed in, but you have to wade through a lot of weirdness to get there. And even once you do that, you realize it's implausible and unnecessary. That's when you say to yourself  "Damn, that boy smokes too much weed".

Wednesday: We kinda assumed he was there all along....

First time in the City, Big Guy?

Friday the 13th 8: Jason takes Manhattan

     This marks the 3rd time Jason has been resurrected, and the second by electricity. Two dumb-asses on a houseboat in Crystal Lake accidentally hit an underwater power cable and naturally it wakes Jason up.  He hops on board the houseboat and gets all stabby. After some trudging around he makes his way to an even bigger ship full of idiots and headed for New York City! This ship is also a powder keg full of unchecked emotional baggage and side stories nobody cares about. And trust me, it won't be long before you're rooting for Jason. Most every one of these idiots are just begging for the machete treatment.

Whatsamatter? Don't like being type-cast?

     Technically, the movie does have scenes in NYC, but over half of the film takes place on a ship! A ship with an alarming amount of axes and shotguns! Once in the city, the movie only slightly improves but you're still subjected to the same prey-stalking. The only addition would be the predictable interactions Jason has with the NYC and it's people. And the retro-naught in me is loving the Manhattan scenes. Even though I've never been there, I still love the nostalgia.

Only one cop seen in the entire movie. ONE.

     Deaths by: spear gun, stabbed by trident, guitar to the skull, stabbed by glass shard, another spear gun stabbing, machete to throat, choking, electrocution, shotgun to chest, falling onto radio antenna, axe to back, hypodermic needle to the back, having your head punched off, drowning in a barrel,  pipe wrench to skull.

Tuesday: It's a Kevin Smith film, so I'm not sure if I should take it serious or not...

If it has tentacles...

...you know it's from Japan

Meatball Machine

     This is another over-the-top splater-fest from our friends in Nippon. It features parasites that take over a human body and contol its nearly every move. Naturally, everything is blood-drenched and the story might be overly complex. More so than necessary as usual. The short story is, Yoji likes Sachiko. Yoji finds a strange 'thing' and takes it home. Then one night, Yoji sees Sachiko with another man who is attempting to rape her. Yoji tries to defend her but gets his ass kicked. The good news is, she goes home with him anyway. The bad news is, that 'thing' he found is triggered by emotions and it latches onto Sachiko and takes over her body. Bad date, dude!

     Later on, we learn that there is a man hunting and growing them because he's an asshole. AND it's keeping his daughter alive since she's been infected as well. Sadly, this leads Yoji to become infected and he decides to hunt down Sachiko to 'free' her of the parasite. By 'free', I mean kill. There's a boring battle and everyone dies in the end and we're treated to an epilogue explaining this is a game to the parasites. Thhhhpppppttttt!!!

     Not as crazy as some of the other Japanese films I've seen, but at least those had a relevant film title.

Monday: Sometimes even Jason needs to get out of Jersey...

Why not make the knives and axes float?

Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood

     Tina is special. Telekinesis special, not 'count to potato' special. When she was young, her drunk-ass dad started to abuse her mother so she 'accidentally' killed him by collapsing a boat dock that he was standing on. Later in life, she's brought to that same house on the lake to sort her telekinesis powers and some psychological ones as well. This JUST HAPPENS to be the same lake that good 'ol Concrete Boots Jason is hanging out in. She has a flashback while standing on the dock and that's just enough to wake and free Jason up. Time for stabbys!

It's OK. Nobody liked her.

     His timing is opportune because next door there's a surprise birthday party that's going to get crazy...and bloody...hell, everyone's going to die. We know this because Tina starts having premonitions of the killings and well....this IS a Jason movie in a forest, so there's plenty of opportunities for people to get chopped up.

H A W T ! ! !

     It would be OK to be annoyed by the telekinesis part of the story, but then again this marks the second resurrection of Jason. Try not to think too hard about it because the writers clearly haven't either. You're seven movies in. Why pick now to start questioning your time spent watching this franchise?

     Deaths brought to you by: Dock collapse, knife to throat, back stabbing, back fist impalement, sleeping bag slammed against a tree, machete to face, drowning by Jason, hand sickle to neck, head crushing, party horn to eye, knife to stomach, machete to neck, spear to the back, weed whacker to upper torso, axe to face,

Sunday: Spagooters!!!

High school is such a drag...

Tragedy Girls

     2 crazy as fuck high school students Sadie and McKala trap themselves a serial killer named Lehmann and use him as a scapegoat for their own murders which in turn raises the popularity of there murder investigation blog. These girls are just as fucked up as the serial killer Lehmann.

Awkward.

    While they're on a killing spree of their own, Lehmann escapes and tries to attack them. He's fought off and shortly after the girls relationship starts to turn sour and they go their separate ways...until prom, that is. Somehow McKala teams up the Lehmann and head for the prom!

.....IT'S ALWAYS THE FUCKING PROM!  It's like rule #1 for high school horror films: The climax must be at Prom...

     Anyhooo, while having a monologuing confrontation, Lehmann's planned attack goes south as he promises to kill both of them anyway and McKala dispatches him with a .45acp round to the head. The girls, realizing they belong with each other, burn down the entire school after trapping everyone in. There's no nice way of saying this: These bitches is crazy and somehow they get away with it! But look at those cute new masks!!!

     This is a fun watch! The girls dark sarcasm and nonchalant attitude towards all the death and violence gives this film a great edge without being proto-hipster edgy. Dark like Heathers, fun like God Bless America.

Saturday: The good news is, I'm over the hump....

"Why'd they have to go dig up Jason...

 ...Some folks have strange idea of entertaiment" the grounds keeper says as he breaks the 4th wall.

That line alone could save this movie.


Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives

     Jason is brought back to life after Tommy decides to dig up the casket (Didn't they say he was cremated in the last film?) and stab him one last time. The big stabbing pole is struck by lightning, and we have ourselves a Franken Jason. STRONG WRITING!!!  Sadly, this endvor gets his friend Ron Palillo (Horshack!!!) killed when Franken Jason punches right through him. We've now taken the series into the supernatural.

This totally works in real life

     Crystal Lake has been renamed Forrest Green for obvious reasons, and Tommy runs to the police department to warn them of Jason's resurrection. Because he sounds cra-cra, they throw him in the jail for a while and later escort him out of town. Meanwhile, our mighty machete man makes his way to the new camp, killing a lot of people along the way. Just like riding a bicycle, I'm betting.

Damage X3!!!

     Eventually the killings are noticed by the po-po, and they start blaming Tommy. They're right! Because he woke up 'ol Stabby McSlasherton, all those deaths are his fault by proxy. Knowing this, he decides to fix his fuck-up and lures Jason into the lake were he can um...drown him? Long story short, he gives him cement shoes and saves the day.

     This has a lighter attitude than the prior films, and it makes for a much better watch. It's still a horror film, but there's some dark comedy that helps us forget about some of the other films. And did I mention that Ron Palillo aka Horshack is in this film?

 Deaths by: Fist impalement, spear-vaulting, normal spearing, face to tree trunk, triple beheading, stabbed by glass bottle, 2 for 1 machete stabbing, head pushed into metal door, knife to side of head, head twisting, knife to forehead, head squishing, body folding, boat motor propeller to head.

Friday: Psycho killers rarely ever wear a name tag that says "Psycho Killer"...

They did NOT look like this in my high school...

Bikini Bloodbath

     In what is clearly written by a 13 yr old deep in the throws of puberty, we're introduced to a high school volleyball team at the semester's end. They decided to throw a party and watch scary movies or some crap like that.  At the same time, the most homoerotic football team party is going down and they're all wearing t-shirts that say "Football Player" if you weren't sure of their sports affiliation. Eventually, 2 of the dude-bros leave the cuddle party and crash the ladies party...terribly. After a couple of the idiots are killed by some dork named Chef Death, it's everyone for themselves...don't forget the daquries.

     In a strange turn of events, I'm not rooting for the killer. He's a dork that spews culinary one-liners faster than you can say "Flava town". However, the audio is questionable so you don't hear it very well. There's also not near as many bewbs as I thought there would. Honestly, it wouldn't have helped this...whatever this is. After the end credits you're treated to a music video by a band called White Liger to further add insult to injury.

Relax, he had a bottle cleaner in his pocket.

I get it, the whole movie is a joke. It's mostly satirical and that's probably why I liked it just as much as it annoyed me. Still better than that stupid bong movie....Thankfully, this ride ends around 70 minutes so your punishment isn't eternal....but you ain't getting it back either.

The real horror is knowing there's 2 more sequels. But that's for another year.

Thursday: Prometheus Unbound...with a machete...

New mask, same 'ol machete....

Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning

     Nobody truly thought it was over with the 4th film, but they didn't even wait a year before starting on the next one.

     Technically, Mr. C. Feldman, Esq, is only in the opening sequence of the film. It features a couple of bro-tards digging up Jason's grave and Mr. Feldman watches in horror as the idiots are opened up by our machete-wielding hero. Corey then wakes from the nightmare and it's revealed that time has passed and Corey has grown up to look a lot like John Shepherd. Tommy, as he's called in the movie, has been admitted to a metal halfway house. Colorful group of people that remind you of The Breakfast Club, and I want every one of them to die. EVERY character is a bit over the top and annoying.

Pop and Lock, Violet!

      But fear not! It's kill-stalking time! This time, however, we don't now who's doing it! Jason's dead and cremated, and the first kill was one of the patients taking an axe to the back of another out of rage. This new killer is a mystery that's revealed in the end to be....the fucking ambulance driver? A total fucking random? Seeking revenge for the first kid getting an axe to the back? That's what I'm treated to AFTER what could have been a great chainsaw vs machete fight? This one bombed in the theaters, but I'm sure it was fatigue that caused that. Fun fact, they released 8 films in 10 years. That's more of a B-movie assembly line. Burnout was inevitable.

You don't think people would tire of this scene? It's always raining when Jason's out.

     Deaths include: Axe to back, road flare to mouth, machete to throat, axe to head, axe to chest, machete to stomach, hedge trimmers to the eyes, skull crush by leather strap, spear to the back, decapitation by meat cleaver, meat cleaver to forehead, another cleaver to head, impaled with machete (x 2),  rail road spike to head, and bead of rusty spikes.

Wednesday: Life's just easier when your occupation is on your t-shirt...

Yummy!!

Technically, 5, but it's not about semantics....

3 on a Meathook

'80s hair in the '70s???

     This classic comes all the way from 1972 and features 4 hotties on a vacation. When their car fails them, a local creeper offers them a ride and shelter till morning. The father isn't having it and kills them all over night. The next day, our creeping son returns and the father convinces the son that he's to blame, despite not remembering. That was in the first 25 minutes, and really they could have ended the film there.

Wow, that is some Troma-level F/X right there.

     But instead, junior goes on a walkabout complete with crappy soundtrack and ends up in a bar, drinking himself silly. After he passes out, he wakes up at the barmaids house...naked, as was she. She assured him that they didn't have sex. Uh-huh...that's what would happen in real life. Then it slooowws way down and bores the hell out of you. This isn't a horror movie, this is a mystery....a mystery of how the hell I can sit through this awful turd! It's like visual Valium! It's a total drag, and  yet somehow I was able to sit through it.

     Since you're not going to watch this film EVER, I'll throw the spoiler out there: As I said earlier, it was the dad doing all the killings. BUT...he was doing so to feed his wife's insatiable cannibalism. She was long thought dead, by the way. I guess you really can spend 10 years hiding in a pantry...

....stupid damn movie. So far, I've watched a sentient bong, possessed bulldozer, and a frickn' sharknado! But this one? Dumbest so far.

Tuesday: Wow! I had 2 movies with Corey Feldman?!? He's getting to be a regular...