Finale

 The other 30 movies I've watched this year have all been mostly dumb. That's my fault because I threw the list together in a night (my personal time is very limited as of late). Nonetheless, I stuck with it and now I'm at my final film. Honestly, the most intriguing of them all.

The Platform

I swear this was once a cooking show

    A man volunteers to be 'assigned' to what is called a Vertical Self-Management Center in exchange for a diploma. No idea what school requires this, but I think after you've seen this movie, you'll feel he should have just studied and taken the final. 

    The premise of this alternative accreditation is simple: A veritable feast of the finest foods prepared under the most strict standards is placed on a platform. The platform lowers to the next lower level every 2 minutes. Since there is no limit to what can be eaten, the lower levels get nothing but leftovers. And the farther down it drops, over 300 levels, the less food there is. Needless to say, cannibalism is a normal thing. Strangely, guard rails aren't a concern either. It's an interesting concept and they played it off very well with a slightly ambiguous ending, but it doesn't harm anything. Like I've said in the past, it's hard for me to comment on good movies.

And now I'm out of movies!

Tomorrow: A day in which our hero reads a book...

Welcome to the Public Domain

Winnie The Pooh: Blood and Honey 

    This is where we are in society. A well loved story character from our youth has graduated into the public domain, and that means make a damn horror movie out of it. Steamboat Willy's getting the same treatment in 2025 and the film will be called Screamboat. Ha.

    In the first 12 minutes, we get the background story and 2 killings! Christopher Robbins wanders around a forest as a kid and meets a bunch of weird and janky half-human, half-animal hybrids and decides to befriend them, help them, and bring them food. Over the years, Christopher grows older and eventually moves away. This causes the Humanimals to nearly starve to death. To get by, they sacrifice one of their members to eat so they could survive. Turns out, they're not good as self-sufficiency and Eeyore makes the ultimate sacrifice. After that, they turn their back on humanity and stop speaking words, with one last vow to murder the fuck out of Mr. Robbins. Fast forward to Christopher and his fiancé wandering the same woods so that she could meet his old buddies...which they promptly kill his friend while he acted like a bitch and didn't lift a finger. You picked the wrong man, girl! They drag him into the woods and do things to him.  And this being a horror movie, that means it's now time to send the next set of young people into the game. The rest is an hour of yelling, running, screaming, killing...you get the idea.

    Is it good? It's OK, but it's really just another horror movie with guys wearing bad masks. They try to pour on the psychological torture, but it's in vain because I'm just not buying into it. It's a silly premise and you tried to be like Rob Zombie. Just don't.

This is supposed to instill fear?!?

And while I'd like to say all is not lost because they put out a sequel in 2024, we all know how well that usually works. Hint: It doesn't! 

Final: It's like Cube, but flatter....

Not the slayer you were expecting...

Slayers

    First of all, why are  your sound levels so messed up? Wisper dialog then blast explosions and dubstep to tell me a funny vampire story. Set your levels, bro!

    Billed as a horror comedy, it seems to be mostly satire. And that's fine, I like that. The story as follows: Streamers are invited to a jackass billionaire media & pharmaceutical kings home home for an interview or some such. However, Elliot Jones, bad-ass vampire hunter on a vendetta intercepts them and warns them it's a family of vampires. Naturally, they laugh him off, throw down a bunch of hash-tags and continue to be the most annoying people, road tripping to their doom. I'm completely OK with that. 

Shit! Wrong Slayers.

    The point of the meeting is for Billionaire is to offer the Barbie and Ken members of the Stream Team a job promoting their new perfect drug that prevents all disease.  However, not all is as it seems and the drug is actually a purifier for human blood, making it that much tastier for consumption.  OH, and they also want to do a body swap with the streamer couple ala FreeJack. I don't know what this movie needs more: Emilio Estevez or Mick Jagger. Anyhoo, it's up to (mostly) Elliot to save the day, kill vampires, and keep as many people alive as he can. Ehh...he did OK...there was a couple of survivors. Good enough. Most of them really had it coming anyway.

Shit! Wrong Thomas Jane. 
There's just no good gifs of this movie.

    While it's funny in a way, the youthy internet influencer angle is ran into the ground and tiresome after awhile. But...still maybe worth your time.

Wednesday: Not your Grandaddy's Pooh

Satanic Panic in Italy

 The First Omen

    There are 5 Omen films, and only one of them is remarkable, the first. After that, it's been a sparadic stream of sequels  that haven't been as interesting as the first. And that, my friends, is the why and how of prequels. Hence this 2 hour back story that we technically already had in the first film, but now in visual form with detail...lots of detail. That's why it's so damn long! And summing it up is a bit of a challenge without being snarky...

....so snark it is

    Nun-in-training moves to Rome to become a full fledge nun. She meets a strange girl that people avoid and bad things always seem to happen around her. After snooping around you find out the strange girl is your half sister, you both have the mark of the devil, Oh, and you are preggos with twins, one girl, one hell-spawn. It turns out 'Ol Scratch had to do the dirty deed himself and probably didn't even use a breath mint. The good news is you only have to keep 1 of the kids and you know what happens to the other. I'll give you a hint: His name rhymes with 'Damien'.

Tuesday: It's nice to see Thomas Jane working...

It's sadly not porn...

 XX

It wouldn't be a Halloween movie list without an anthology.

The Box

Nosey little kid asks what is in the box a fellow passenger on a bus is holding. He opens to box and the kid looks in. Whatever was in that box just put him and eventually his family on one of the most effective crash diets you've ever seen

The Birthday Party

Mother of the year finds her husband has died, right before her daughters birthday party. She does the right thing and hides the body. Wacky hijinks ensues and there's even a Panda suit for the furries.

Don't Fall

4 friends go to the desert for an expedition and just HAD to find a cave painting of some demon thing that later becomes real and kills the acrophobic one. Then it puts on the dead woman's skin and proceeds to murder the fuck out of everyone. On the plus side, she no longer has a fear of heights.

Her Only Living Son

Cora, as she now wishes to be known, has a son that likes to rip off classmates fingernails. Weird hobby, right? Anyhoo, it turns out the little guy's dad isn't who she thinks it is. If you picked Satan, you would be correct. And since Jr. is turning 18, daddy's coming to visit. He comes, they refuse him, and he kills them. Happy Birthday! This is a spiritual sequel to Rosemary's Baby, apparently. I guess when you don't ask for permission, you can bill it however you want.

And there it is. Four stories that are 'meh' at best. The only really remarkable thing about this film is the bumpers between segments. They're all stop motion and creepy as hell. You'll love those. The rest is forgettable. OH, and searching for gifs proved...interesting.

Monday: When you go to far forward with a franchise, you have to go back...

...A vapid piece of crap!!!

 90210 Shark Attack

...and the shark couldn't get there soon enough. An expedition for marine biologist students in Beverly Hills goes wrong. Mostly because there's not much marine biology in B-Hills, but also because of a 'shark'. But first, our list of potential, and preferred victims is as follows:

    The Horny-Tards. They think and act as a single unit. 

    The Nerdy Girl (she's really not)

    The Weirdo Girl (eh...she's moody and has a secret)

    The Film Maker (nobody will miss this luke warm milk sap)

    The Dork (uselessness second only the The Film Maker)

    The Teacher (I think she did porn in the 80s)

    Who really cares about the plot when the acting is this bad? Do you care there's a subplot to get Weirdo Girl to talk about some bad shark-related thing happened to her and her dad a couple of years ago? Do you care The Teacher is screwing The Film Maker? All of this is complete nonsense and is overshadowed by the fact that the movie is called 90210 Shark Attack...and it was 45 minutes before the fucking "shark" finally showed up! The movie is only 75 minutes, what the hell were they waiting for? You want to see the shark? OK....

It's always the moody ones

    What the hell is this, you might ask? Turns out The Weirdo Girl was cursed to be a morphing shark. You see that, right? This is the kind of budget where someone sold their Kia Sorento to finance the CGI. FFS, even late '90s Animorphs did a better job. 

    And with that floundering thud, we end Shark Week and move on to our final 5 films for this years list.

Sunday: Dos Equis...

Priest Vs. Shark

 Noah's Shark

Nobody wins in this...NOBODY.

    Stupid jackass priest loses his gig as a TV exorcist and falls into a group of people raising money for an expedition to the resting place of Noah's Ark. Little did he, or any other completely sane person know that the Ark is protected by a demonic shark.

    Oh for fucks sake, Jeff Kirkendall...this fucking guy again. This ass-wipe has shown up in several kooky shark movies and it just pisses me off. 

The twat on the left. Why can't he be on fire?!?

    He takes it serious, but...he's fucking terrible! The supporting cast continually out-acts him in every scene. Find a goddamn day job! How does this chum-bucket keep getting cast in these movies? You look and sound like you should be working as a guidance counselor in a small midwestern junior high school. The only positive I can supply about his performance in this film is YES...he's really good at playing a creepy priest. 

    As always, I'm begging for the end credits as soon as the opening credits end. I'm pretty sure you can find something better to do for 72 minutes than watch this shit-show filmed on a gen-1 I-phone.

Saturday: Shark week comes to a close with.....

I still have heroes...

 Ghost Shark

    A redneck couple chartering a boat for a fishing tournament lose their prize catch to a shark. So, they do the logical thing and start shooting at it, and trying to bomb it. The shark escapes and makes its way to a <ahem> hidden cave with clearly supernatural markings on the wall. You can tell they're supernatural because they glow. Anyhoo, this gives the shark some super special powers and it returns as a ghost that just kills the fuck out of them. I like this shark already. BEHOLD YOUR NEW GOD!!!

    The next day, the boat owners daughter finds the boat drifting. As she investigates the likelihood that her daddy is dead, the newly crowned Ghost Shark starts killing indiscriminately. Not happy with the way the local law enforcement is handling it, the daughter starts her own investigation. However, it should be noted that she's not good at it.

    So about the shark itself: It's a ghost, it kills people, and wherever there's water, the shark is near by. From pools to puddles to plumbing, this bastard uses them all with extreme prejudice. My hero!

    My only complaint is the shark didn't kill enough people. I know I'm right because the movie was only boring when the shark wasn't on a kill spree.

Special guest:

Richard Moll!!!

Thursday: Sharks and Rednecks just don't mix...

M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I

Mississippi River Sharks

    An innocent riverboat excursion turned into a nightmare when a shark just invites itself on deck to murder people. Very rude but laughable because the CGI was from 1995. Up stream is a town on the eve of a fishing tournament hosted by a talking cowboy had. Talking cowboy hat has been warned about the riverboat incident and he quickly dismisses it because of how much money he has in it...and also river sharks are not a thing. And normally he'd be right, but the title of the movie disagrees so I guess some people are going to die.

    Look, it's a SyFy production, so you know it's going to be a cookie-cutter animal monster movie: Implausible animal-monster kills people, smart people warn dumb people, but business guy resists because he'll lose money and tries to cover the whole thing up. Animal monster eats business guy and smart people save the day with a techno Hail Mary "it just might work" trap. It's so standard, you can set your watch to it.

Friday: Bible-thumping shark time!!!

What the puppet fuck is this?

 Puppet Shark

Again, nothing as cool as this happened in the movie.
This poster is a lie.

    I'm not sure what demographic this was intended for, but regardless, it's clearly childish in nature.

    Uh...look. It's two puppet kids telling puppet shark stories. It's like an ultra-low budget Muppet Show production. But also remove the production because that is NOT what I would call this. It's NOT a horror film. It is only technically a shark film. But it's only 60 minutes, so I don't even want to call it that. In fact, I don't know what to call this at all. It's not funny, scary, or campy. And it's certainly not worth watching. Is it another movie mulligan? Probably. I can't find anything redeemable about this film. Who knew an hour could last sooo long?

Wednesday: Shark week hump day!

Spirit animals and dumber things...

 Ouija Shark 2

Nothing this cool ever happens in this movie.

    It's been so long, I don't remember how bad the first one was. I do, however, remember that it was BAD. And the intro is acting like I gave damns to remember the first one by giving us a re-cap. And for what? What was that recap supposed to prepare me for? The guy wandering around hell, fighting guys in gorilla suits with sunglasses? Bikini-clad women getting eaten by a shark, in hell, while a musical number is playing? Obviously not a movie to be taken seriously. The shark is a fucking stuff animal, FFS! Even worse, it fights a stuffed animal alligator in the final battle! 

    Green screen acting by people that have day jobs OR the finest greenscreen acting that volunteerism can buy. And it goes one for 80 minutes!

Tuesday: Nobody makes a realistic shark nowadays....

Think Santa, but with a dorsal fin...

 Santa Jaws

    So you're a teen who works in a comic shop. You also are drawing your own comic book about Santa Jaws. You're a talented artist but your high school principal doesn't agree because you put a satirical  illustration featuring your principal on social media. This results in a grounding. Meanwhile, you find an enchanted fountain pen and do more Santa Shark drawings. This, being a Christmas movie about sharks, means that is a wish, and by Christmas movie law, the wish is granted. The next day, your grand pappi springs you from grounded-to-bedroom prison so you can go fishing. Remember that shark wish that came true? It ate your G-pappi. OoOoOOOHhhhhh, you  are SOOO grounded forever now! The shark eats more people, and I fell asleep.

    When I woke, it was right in the middle of the final battle. Everyone in his family died by the shark, but the magic pen saved the day because he re-wrote the story. Or, it was a dream. It's a lame ambiguous ending, yet similar to Back To the Future. Am I disappointed? No, I did NOT have high expectations for this movie and yet again, that was the correct call. One down, six to go.

Monday: Board games and Sharks

Why try to reboot a sub-par franchise?

 Children of the Corn (2020)

It's just fucking corn!!! That's all it is!!! 

    I've lost track of how many times they've tried to reboot this. It was a creepy film in 1984, but not scary or gory. Just strange, nothing more. Yet, they kept pumping out sequel after sequel, reboots included. Who keeps giving them money? And why the fuck do I keep watching them?

    I'm going to be brief and brutal to the plot: Corn is haunted, and all the kids know it. Adults can't make money growing it, so they mow it down for government subsides. This angers haunted corn and kids, who kill adults and plan a sacrifice a young girl trying to save the corn. In the end, everyone dies, for which I'm very glad. Moving ON!!!

Sunday: That sound you hear is something fucking awesome coming....

Talk about family drama...

Evil Dead Rise

    Sooo....First I watched Evil Dead 2 in the late '80s. Then I watched the first Evil Dead movie shortly after that and they were polar opposites in their respective concepts. ED2 was comedy/horror, and ED1 was just straight up horror. Then Army of Darkness in the 90s, and that was more comedy then horror. Then some people ruined the flow with Evil Dead in 2013 and called it a "re-imagining", which is bullshit speak for "reboot for money". This is the first of the franchise to not include Bruce Campbell. And also why I don't care about it. Yet for some reason, I picked the third version of the entire franchise and it's really more realistic to calling itself a "stand alone".  It also does not include Bruce Campbell. 

    Or plot is simple,  domestically broken family survives an earth quake. But a whole has opened up to a vault in the bottom of the buildings parking garage and Jr. decides to snoop. He grabs some paperwork, a couple of records, and a leather bound book of the dead. It was bound with claws, for fuck sake! Have you not seen a horror film at all? Anyhoo, opens book, plays records, and conjures a demon that posses mom. Good job, kid. You trying to put your mom in a grave? Because that's how these things happen.

    And man, does mom know how to clean house. She destroys her neighbors, possess one of her daughters, and said daughter kills son. The mommy...um...grows both spiritually, and physically into a multi-limbed beast of burden that just needs to be put into a wood chipper. 

    After a nasty little elevator ride, that very thing just happens and I hope you like the color red...because there's dump trucks full of it.

Red looks good on ya!

    True enough, as a stand alone it is pretty good. I just rather it didn't have the Evil Dead title because that conjurers a quirky horror film, not some nasty bloodbath. Otherwise, go ahead and watch it!

Saturday: I really hope there's no corny puns....heh.....

Vamps in the Hood...again. They like the hood...

 Vampires Vs The Bronx

    A vampire infested conglomerate is buying up property all over the Bronx. I'm not sure why they're buying property, but they sure do like to eat the owners they buy from. Its' up to three young teens to put a stop to gentrification and eating of people.

What is it with monsters, kids, and bikes? They always have bikes.

    I'll be brief on this one because it's a decent watch. The story, while not very original is still interesting enough and supported by a well rounded group of actors, including the teens. Even though it's probably unrealistic, the neighborhood has some decent characters and they all backed by actors that make it smooth and natural. 

    Yes, in the end, it's a teen vampire film, meant for a far younger demographic, but that's never stopped me. I still watch cartoons.

Friday: Another decent but unnecessary reboot... 

Manga--->Anime--->Live Action Movie

 Zum 100: Bucket List Of The Dead

    Akira has a new job. It's a lot of work. So much so, that 3 years pass since his last day off. Sounds brutal, and it is. HOWEVER, thanks to a zombie apocalypses, he finally has a day off! Good for him!...too bad about all those people turned into mindless flesh eaters. Bummer!

    This started out as a manga, which I did not read. Then it was turned into an anime, which I did not watch. And now it's a Netflix Movie...and here we are. Watching some happy-go-lucky kid avoid zombies while checking off his bucket list. He's too happy. You know what he's not doing? Killing zombies. He's just running around living his best life. Till he meets another survivor that just happens to be a total hottie. Understandably, she's a little uptight and not really interested in starting any long term relationships. She's also uninterested in short term too, so it's an up-hill battle for him. 

Eventually, he and his friend gain her trust and she travels with them to refuge at a public aquarium where he finds out his boss is sadly still alive. His old boss becomes his new boss and has an iron grip on all the other people seeking safety. Turns out he's still a dick. They fight past that, and a gigantic walking shark, to get to the end credits 2 flippin' hours later. Way too long!

    And that's your main plot line. A guy with a checklist that finds friends while doing a bunch of mini-quests. The rest of it is just another zombie movie with a very clearly Nipponese angle. Think one part Zombieland, one part dating simulator. I'm nearly convinced that every angle of zombies has been covered and needs no more exploration. What else can you do with the walking dead? They are, and always have been, the most boring monsters I've ever seen. And I've watched way too many for this blog. Maybe this will be the last for awhile. 

Thursday: What is it with vampires and NYC?

Of Gophers and Golf....

 Caddy Hack

    < sigh >What did I get myself into? What is this fresh hell? Who thought "This world needs a golf horror film"?  I'll tell you who. It's the same person that has a fence post for a family tree. A person that likes golf. A person that wants to bastardize killer '80s comedies. A person that wants to waste your time...

    Welcome to Old Glory Holes Golf Club. They have a slight gopher infestation, but their grounds keeper, Hambone, is on the case with his private fertilizer he developed on his own. Funny, he does not look like a scientist.

    Anyhoo, his grand concoction has a unique property where it turns gophers into stone cold lethal killers with glowing eyes. Science!!!

  Soon, the homicidal gophers begin their war against humanity with knives, exploding beer bottles, neck munching, dick biting, and chest bursting. It's up to the caddies to save the day, as long as you tip.

  OK, in truth, this is a dumb movie, but that's its purpose. It doesn't take itself serious, and I like that. Nobody can act, and they know it. The story is weak, and they still milk it for anything silly. And for those that like musicals, you'll love the Balls Deep number. It really ties the movie together.

Wednesday: Go away, zombies!!! Nobody likes you!!!

She watch channel zero...

Video Dead

    I've tried to watch this several times, but it keeps getting removed from the streaming service RIGHT ON OCTOBER 1ST!! What kind of crap is that? Finally, I found it on youtube.com. And that is...regrettable...

    Anyhoo, a random guy receives a TV from whereabouts unknown. The TV turns itself on and a zombie dead guy pops out and kills the homeowner because the dead hate the living. Fast forward and the house has been sold to a new family and the siblings are breaking the house in while waiting for parents to return from Saudi Arabia. While unpacking, some jackass from Texas shows up and asks for the TV, but they don't know anything about it because it's hidden in the attic. The Texan warns them not to meddle with things they don't understand. They say thanks and send him on his way. In nearly the same 10 minute period, Jr. hears a TV on in the attic and climbs in to retrieve it. Clearly, the boy isn't making the connection between the TV's exitance in the attic and the talking cowboy hat.

    From there, it's zombies eating people, people running from zombies that eat people, key cast members get eaten...look, it's a crappy direct-to-video '80s horror film you might have seen on USA's  Saturday Nightmares or Up All Night. Don't ask too much of this film because you're getting NOTHING. Just 90 minutes gone from your life. Maybe this will ease your pain after watching this.

Tuesday: How to make a horror film out of anything...

Do reboots actually make money?

 Hellboy (2019)

    When I first heard that Ron Pearlman wasn't returning as Hellboy, I immediately dismissed it. David Harbour did his best. He did it the way they wanted, and it's not horrible, but...it's no Ron Pearlman. And I get it...Ron Pearlman is almost 75 as of this post. He really can't do it anymore. But putting "Dad-Bod" in a successful franchise to replace Pearlman...there were better choices. Josh Brolin comes to mind.

...but we get this instead...

    The plot is pretty thin, but it mostly deals with the Blood Queen, played by Mila Jovovich, wants to be resurrected and she wants Hellboy as her king. When he wields Excalibur, he'll become the demon king or some such, and brings about the end of the world. That is the meat on this bone in its entirety. The rest of the film is back story filler, stale one-liners, and some over-the-top violence that includes a scene where demons just shreds humans in the most brutal way possible. For example:

    Eventually, Hellboy comes to his senses and vanquishes Mila because she's a terrible life partner and everyone is saved...well, everyone but all those people that got ripped apart by the demons. Those people aren't coming back.

    Left with a 'meh' feeling at the end of the film is normal. It's not you, it's the underwhelming movie. But the bad news becomes worse when you find out they made another 're-sequel-boot' this year, featuring a 3rd Hellboy actor that nobody's heard of:

Sullen AND morose in the same still. Amazing.

Monday: I tried to keep the '80s films to a minimum....

37! THIRTY. SEVEN!!!

 Godzilla Minus one

     Post WWII Japan has a new problem in the form of a young Godzilla stomping all over the outer pacific islands. Nuclear testing on the Bikini Atoll has helped the 'Zilla grow significantly larger, and now it has it's ever famous nuclear fire breath. Shikishima, our hero and failed kamikaze pilot, has witnessed Godzilla's wrath first hand, and probably more than anyone else in the world. In fact, his third encounter was as 'Zilla was laying waste to the city of Ginza. Point of note, there's no more Ginza.

   Anyhoo, all this destruction has forced the nerdy citizens of Japan to get its science on and turn the tables. We call this the '2nd part of every Godzilla movie ever"...all 37 of them. And holy crap, 37 movies about Big Green?!? The next most is what...Fast and the Furious? I can tell you I've seen 37 Godzilla movies and not one FF movie.

Pop & Lock, bro!!!

    The plan? Sink it into the deepest depths of the ocean. If that doesn't work, springboard him back up the the surface as fast as possible to cause rapid decompression. We call this the "Sinkers & Floaters" plan. It's dumb, implausible, and just like any other Godzilla movie, it probably works. I won't spoil the end for you, but I don't think I'm being bold when I say there's 37 of them...there will be more.

    Visually, this movie had some great scenes, but others felt the CGI was a little bit too clean. Honestly, you'll hardly notice because overall this is a fun watch. And every bit a true Godzilla movie.

Sunday: It didn't need a reboot, but that's what we got....

Why do monsters always pick on sorority houses?

 Slotherhouse

    An innocent sloth is poached from it's natural habitat by some bearded twat. What beardo isn't aware of is this sloth is a bloodthirsty maniac, just ask the alligator it eviscerated in the opening scene.  He finds out the hard way after he's imported it into his house and it brutally attacks him. Somehow, sloth can do that. Meanwhile, a sorority 'babe' he met in a mall earlier that day stops by his house and she steals it! Why? What does a semi-vapid sorority dingbat want with a sloth? They're smelly, greasy, and I'm not comfortable with that constant grin on its face. 

Super serial?!? Would you trust this face???

    Nonetheless, she brings it back to the sorority house and it's an instant rock-star, quickly becoming the official mascot. Needless to say, once inside the house the sloth dives into it's work and stars offing the sisterhood, one by one. And trust me, you'll be thankfull it did. This is a 'root for the baddie' situation because all of these people just don't deserve the oxygen they're uselessly sucking down, feeding that brain of nothing.

    I have to say this movie isn't near as gory as they usually are, it tows the line between humor and serious, not clearly defining what it is. And somehow they stretched it out for 90 minutes. This is clearly a movie written around it's title, but...not a bad watch if you don't mind the dumb.

Saturday: One from Big Green...