A Motorcycle Enthusiast and the "Marines"...

 Murdercycle

Nothing in this poster happens in the movie.
Literally, NOTHING happens in this movie.

     Oh how did I miss this gem from the late 90s? A motorcycle enthusiast riding around a military base at night witnesses a meteorite crashing into the ground. He does the smart thing and investigates the crash site, only to find a small ball...that opens up and fully encompasses him in some sort of space demon robot armor. The space demon robot now has a motorcycle and just wants to kill people. The next day, the military starts hunting it with a small unit of 'Marines', some CIA spook, and a psychic. And they're all idiots. Idiots that can't act. Hard to believe, right?

What we all wanted.

     Anyhoo, there's not much to detail here. It's a seriously boring movie. It's a great movie to fold laundry, read an article, or nap to. And there's nobody to root for. The jarheads are annoying, the CIA spook is a slow turd, the psychic ham-fists her way through her lifeless dialog, and the Murdercycle...not even that dork can give me hope in this movie. It was so bad, the commercial breaks were lovely. Time to move on....

The wet fart we got.

Friday: How about some finger sandwiches?

Always bet on Big Green

 Bad CGI Gator

    This is one of those movies where you root for the monster, bad-guy, or all around antagonist. It's also always appropriate to giggle when it says 'starring', and a list of  B- grade actors follows...there's no star there. 6 minutes in, and I want EVERYONE in this move to processed into 'gator poo. Nobody's worth saving.  They're all Baldwins and Bettys who may not be super rich, but you can bet 2-3 of them have dealerships  owned by their dads. Bros, beers, and titties. It's their complete net-worth on every level. 

Please be more dead

     Sooo...the plot. Yeah, that thing. These are recent collage grads and they've decided to pitch their school laptops into a pond, rather than wipe the drives and donate them to people who could use them. They follow through and into the drink they go. This, naturally, causes a strange reaction with a gator and it becomes...a Bad CGI Gator. Thick-ass plot, bro!  The gator, being a real stand up guy and very appreciative of it's new found abilities, starts killing these idiots, doing the world a favor. That's why it's my favorite character in the movie. He's the real bro.

Our Hero!!!

58 minutes of punishment that will last a lifetime in your mind, But what did you expect? It's from Full Moon Entertainment. And even more damning, it was written by Zalman Band, son of Charles Band. A man known for writing movie scripts with a dried-out turd for a pencil. Ouch.

Thursday: Of meteors and motorcycles....

Count Dooku vs The Equilizer

Celebrating Year 15-ish!!!

Wicker Man (1973)

     I've seen this talked about for years, but I've never taken the time to watch. Now it seems a good time to check this out and avoid the Nick Cage version.

     We start with our protagonist policeman who just happens to be The Equalizer. No, not Denzel or Queen Latifah. The original: Edward Woodward. And let me tell you, he's stiff as a board. stoic, and confounded by the eccentric town he's been dispatched to for a missing child investigation. Within 16 minutes we're treated to the officer walking through a field at night while half the village is screwing their brains out...right out there in the open. Eccentric? Yes...but WAY more fun than...um...not having sex in the out doors. It turns out the entire town is a pagan haven, while he's a devout Christian. Needless to say, this befuddles his sensibilities. I don't think he's ever been around this many naked people. This poor repressed man is going crazy and nobody wants to help him find the missing girl. 

Well, that's because the girl isn't missing. She's bait to bring him to the island so he can be the sacrifice rather than her. He finds the little girl, alright...then he's burnt in a wicker cage. And then Burning Man ripped it off and gave middle aged Gen-Xers and Millennials a place to trip balls and fuck while dressed like an extra in The Road Warrior.

Things of note:

There's way too much singing in this

 It's a great movie to nap to

Christopher Lee is, for once, playing a much different character. No vampires, Sith, or soldier. Just a pagan hippy in a blazer.  I've never seen his hair this long:

And then he made it longer so he could look like Cher...

Wednesday: Enough with the classics! It's time for some fuckery!!!