My Wood Elf Is Now Astride Your Fire Steed, Lose 200 Mobility Points

Midnight Chronicles
2010

First and foremost, if you're going to require viewers to actually read a passage before watching your movie, skip the calligraphy fonts.

Second, a written passage followed by a lengthy spoken one is too much.

Third, Netflix, this is NOT scifi, it's fantasy - the two are not interchangeable.

Okay, so it's not horror but all the talk of a Dark God bent on chaos promised gore. It did not deliver. Instead, there was a lot of talking, at least three or four different prophecies, far too many improperly introduced characters, and then, a lot more talking. You never even got to see the alleged Shadow in the North.

In truth, I should have ran screaming when my gaze fell upon the words "based on the role playing game, Midnight," but alas, I heeded not the warning.

And so it came to be that 100 minutes of spotty acting and painfully cliché dialogue were inflicted upon me. And there were many boredom breaks to pay bills and cook meals. And another promising menacing shadow did but yield a horned yeti with anger management issues. And before mine eyes, the aforementioned yeti rage was quelled with the glowing light of a badly inked nightclub-stamp tattoo. And said movie did end with the revelation of a secret library, stretching as far as the eye could see...though 99% of the populace was as illiterate as the day they were born.

A Nightmare Before Christmas

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale
(2010)

I could have sworn Netflix had this listed as a horror movie.

The story goes that Santa Claus was a real being whom the Sami people of Lapland imprisoned in ice and built a mountain (Korvatuturi) around to keep their children safe. He wasn't very nice. As one character put it, "the Coca-cola Santa was a hoax."

It took the Sami centuries to construct the mountain, and just 24 days for some rich whack-job with a Claus fetish to blow it open. But not before he issued the following safety precautions:

...and wash behind your ears!

The drilling crew are being spied on by Juuso and Pietari, two Finnish kids from across the border. (Did I mention this was set along the Russian-Finland border? Well, now you know.) Pietari, who's maybe 8ish, suspects that the mountain is a tomb for Santa, and runs home to his books and his stuffed...actually I don't know what the hell that thing was. Anyway, his fairytale books are filled with gruesome illustrations of Santa Claus as some horned troll-like creature, beating children bloody with switches, and boiling them in his cauldron. I totally must have one of these books!

Seriously, this belongs on my kitchen wall.

 
Pietari is kind of a noodge. You can tell even his dad thinks he's a wanker. The powder blue bubble jacket and stuffed roadkill companion don't help. Dad, drags him along to roundup, a time of driving caribou into a pen for food and profit. Only two show up; the rest are found dead. Russian wolves, driven down from the mountain by the blasting, are blamed, but Pietari suspects otherwise.

The herdsman are pissed. The meat would have net them at least $100K and kept them fed through the winter. They cross the border to have words with the drillers but find a huge excavation site and no workers. Hmm. Meanwhile, back on the family ranch (?), something gets caught in Pietari's dad's wolf trap.

Pietari - and everyone else - are totally creeped out by their guest. Rich Whacko contacts them and they cloak-and-cage Sinister Nude Guy for a payoff. When both parties show up, Rich Whacko informs them that this is not actually Santa, but one of his helpers. That's right, it's a elf - a naked, dirty old man with an evil gleam in his eye and a penchant for stealing kids (and radiators). Are you traumatized? Because I know I am. And there are A LOT of these things...all out to protect this guy:

Santa is massive!

Everyone is in a panic. Then Pietari's nuts suddenly drop and he hatches a plan to save the day night. The guys then hatch an additional plan to recoup their lost profits. I'll give you a hint:

Rich nut job? Be the envy of your friends. Just $85,000!

Most Memorable Moment
I could have done without the shower scene.

Verdict: Totally Orginal

10

It is subtitled, though. You've been warned.