A boy and his dog

No, NOT the Don Johnson film...

Frankenweenie

     I love ending the season on a light film and this seemed like the best option. This is the 2012 stop motion film from Tim Burton & Disney, not to be confused with the 1984 live action film...also from Tim Burton & Disney. I would like to note that Disney originally fired Tim for 'wasting $1 million' in making the 1984 version.

     Victor Frankenstein is a nerdy young man with a penchant for science and a dog, Sparky. Sparky is a really goood boooy! and also helps Victor make home movies. Victor also has few friends which is why he makes movies with his dog. On the encouragement of his father, he tries something called 'basesballs', whatever that is. This proves fatal for Sparky after running to fetch the ball he just hit out into traffic. Sparky is killed and he becomes a sad nerdy young man with a penchant for science. That might be considered growth.

     After witnessing his science teacher use galvanism on a dead frog, he's inspired to dig up his dead dog and try it out. He's successful and Sparky is back in action. However, in what I assume is a sub-conscience reluctance to play God, he hides his amazing feat...only to be ratted out by the only kid creepier and lonelier than him:

     His name is Edgar, and he blackmails Victor into helping him bring a fish back to life. While also successful, things run afoul when Edgar shows the reanimated ghost fish to competing science project nerds and suddenly EVERYBODY is lighting up dead animals like it was a High Times Magazine festival in Denver (I'm not sure if they actually do that, but you get the idea). Naturally, this has a downside: Because they did it slightly different, they all mutate and wacky high jinks ensue.

Since it's a Tim Burton film, you can guess the animation looks a lot like Nightmare Before Christmas and The Corpse Bride, though this is a much lighter film similar to Monster House. It's worth a watch and really...Sparky is the best.

And that's it!!! 31 in the books and about half of them should never had been made. Grabbers and Murder Party were the sleeper films with Sharkenstein coming in as the absolute worsts of the year. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go read a book or something....

Maybe part of me wanted this mistake to happen...

Fire & Ice

     OK, first of all this isn't horror film. Someone suggested it, I like Ralph Bakshi films, so I said 'why not?' Well, they were wrong. It's a D&D fantasy film but it's on my list, I'm still watching it.

     Nekron and his mother Juliana are in a conquering mood and decide to make the land of Firekeep their bitch. Nekron, being wizardy, sends a wall of glaciers to plow through to Firekeep and force a surrender. After making some serious progress, Nekron sends some 'ambassadors' to King Jerol for negotiations. He turns them down, so they steal his hawt daughter Teegra....who apparently hates clothing.

That's not a swimsuit. That's her leisure wear.

     Larn, a lone survivor from a village on the outskirts of the kingdom that was wiped out by Nekron's soldiers is just trying to survive and runs into Teegra, who had just escaped from her idiot captors.

Larn, you're a hunky slice of cheddar, but that name.....LARRRN.

     They hit it off right away but a serious cock-block encounter with her captors tears them apart and now his mission is to rescue her. Then we meet Darkwolf. He's a complete bad-ass warrior and has a major "kill Nekron" boner.

Did you REALLY need to kill a wolf for that stupid hat?!?

      He teams up with Larn and they fight, kick, punch, axe, and stab their way to Nekron's keep. Larn rescue's his new main squeeze, Darkwolf kills Nekron, and everybody is happy in the end...

...except for all the wildlife that was killed when Jerol gives the order to flood AN ENTIRE FOREST with lava. LAVA!!! Everything in the land they were trying to protect died because he went nuclear! Teegra, your dad sucks!

Thursday: Finale

It's a little more than upper lip hair....

My Mom's a Werewolf

     Poor Leslie is a bored housewife that cooks garbage for dinner and has an equally bored husband.  On a shopping trip to get a flea color for their dog, she meets John Saxon. John REALLY likes sunglasses and there's also something strange about him.

     Leslie, still bored, is almost conned into a cheap affair with Mr. Saxon, but his poor bedroom etiquette kills the mood....and turns Leslie into a werewolf. That's why you use protection and stay away from randoms, Leslie!!!

Boundaries, dude, boundaries.

     From there we're off to a wacky '80's comedy about a middle aged suburban housewife battling societies preconceived notions of werewolf's and their daily trials. It's not funny, John Saxon dies in the end, and I'll never get that time back. The good news is, there's not one fucking doll in this movie.

Wednesday: My annual Mulligan...

#10

Hellraiser: Judgement

     There's a serial killer called The Preceptor running around doing 10 Commandment murders (cliche!!!). 2 detectives (eh...brothers) are on the case but little do they know that Pinhead and The Auditor are also involved.

This is the Auditor. He's a bit of a bureaucrat, but I like him.

      Pinhead and the Auditor join together in order to create a more efficient way of  'harvesting souls' (I guess souls are Hell's currency) because the Lament Configuration was becoming obsolete. The case is taking it's toll on the 2 detectives and a 3rd is brought in to lighten the load. After several more horrific murders, Detective Brother #1 is kidnapped and subjected to an inquisition by the Auditor. The judgment has a negative reaction and somehow he escapes.

You can always count on a gas mask to crank up the creep level

     After some running around, detecting, and misc filler, it's revealed that Detective Brother #1 IS the Preceptor and Detective Brother #2 has been screwing #1's wife. However, #1's wife has been habitually cheating on him and after meeting the Auditor, he decides to throw both his wife and #2 to Pinhead in exchange for his freedom. Sadly, Pinhead and A-dawg remind #1 that doesn't work that way and his soul is as doomed as his wife and #2.  'Heaven' intervenes by sending Jophiel to set #1 free....just in time to get blown away by #3. Jophiel is pissed because Pinhead planned on this and completely out-smarted her. Then he tears her apart which is against the rules and Pinhead is sent back to the land of the living to walk the Earth as a puny mortal man. I started rooting for Pinhead after the 2nd movie so this was a bit of a disappointment.

And with that, I'm once again up to date on all the Hellraiser films.

Tuesday: Down to the final 3...

One more bite of this turd sammich

Return to Blood Fart Lake

     If the first Blood Fart Lake movie was filmed on a Tuesday, then this was done on Thursday. Somehow a couple of idiots survived the last killing spree and end up on the way back to that stupid lake. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to them, the murderer from the first film, Jimmy, is back and doing what he does best.

     Jimmy manages to easily kill most everyone and then marries his sister in order to create a new master race of inbred or something. Seriously, I think they forgot to write the end of this film because it was very anti-climatic and empty.

Whatever...just make them all dead.

     Again, the vulgar dialog is the only interesting thing about this movie. But I hope you like spooge jokes because there's a ton of them. The 'acting' is mostly overdone (on purpose, I'm sure.) and it looks like it was filmed on one of the cast's parents farm. The best news I can give you is it's only 85 minutes long...but if you watch it, you'll never get that time back.

Monday: An old friend stops by.....

Now THIS is how you make a friend horror movie...

Terror at Blood Fart Lake

She's hawt, but she consumes an entire body through her anus.

     The first description I read was "college friends go to a friends cabin for the weekend". Going to stop you right there. There's no fecking way ALL of these idiots are college students. 1-3 maybe. The rest are people that fulfill the needs of the service industry. 

The photo alone is justification for the killings.

     Anyhoo, while at the cabin, the Scarecrow Killer starts knocking them off one by one. The Scarecrow Killer is actually pretty cool dude, but he does murder people so you'll have to overlook his character flaws. Idiocy reins supreme throughout the film, but the dialog saves it. It's 1 part mega-vulgar, 1 part slightly less vulgar. There's a lot of little quips that I've never seen and it made it more palatable than I thought it would be. Yes, this is ANOTHER group of friends making an intentionally bad movie, but for once I liked it. I actually laughed at a couple of scenes. Silly, over the top, but finally funny.

Sunday:I mean....you knew there'd be a sequel, right?

5 idiots and a camera

Sharkenstein

YOU SEE HOW COOL THIS MOVIE POSTER IS?!? Here's what you actually get:

FUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!

      I've seen a lot of bad movies. I've said I've seen the worst ever. Nowadays I can only narrow down the worst movie I've ever seen into 5 candidates and leave it at that. But I CAN say for sure that this is the worst SHARK movie I've ever seen. I can't see how far you can sink past this one...

     Scene: A Nazi sub surfaces, and some soldiers emerge and talk with a scientist. They're here to take his research because der Fuhrer want it. They're killed, soldiers leave, somehow this equates to a sharkenstein's monster 70+ years later.

     In the modern era, 3 idiots go on a boating excursion: 2 complete dorks and 1 semi-hawt gal. One of the men is very clearly in his mid-40's, but tries to wear his hat like a '90s Flavor Flav. And I want to punch him for that because nobody but Flav can pull off that look. Meanwhile, the shark is terrorizing the local 'harbor' by turning them into a red mist. The shark, mind you, is being controlled by some idiot that created him for purposes that are never made clear. The good news is, he dies by sharking. They almost ALL die by sharking.

     Seeing is believing when saying this is a bad film. But don't subject yourself to that. You'll witness things like the shark jumping onto a dock, and then lighting strikes it and it turns into a roided-up Mega Sharkenstein.

     You'll also be witness shark rape. It's played off as funny sex, but she didn't want it. That's rape. Bad shark.

     I know, I know....it's not meant to be serious. This is a bunch of friends with a camera and a little bit of money looking to have fun. But I've seen that so many times...buddy, that water gun made to look like a real one? I've seen that same gun 4 times this year and this probably won't be the last.....

Saturday: Best Movie Title of the year!!!...

Lady, you suck as a camp counselor...

Sleepaway Camp 2

     File this under 'Unnecessary'. New camp, new kids, same old Angela.  Cripes, she didn't even change her name! More importantly, how the hell did she get out whatever hole they stuck her in after killing nearly 2 dozen people?!? I mean she killed KIDS!!! They don't let you out of ANYTHING after that. There's nothing said or implied about escaping, sooo...I guess we're just going to ignore all of that and get on with this sequel.

You murdered KIDS! This is what makes you squeamish?

     Apparently, Angela is the moral campus for all the campers and instead of just counseling them, she just murders the hell out of them. Talk back to her? Log to the back of the head and she cuts your tongue out. Smoke weed and drink booze? You're getting grilled (literally)! Flash your lady berries? Drill to the head. She just hates fun! But she LOVES murder.

     This film has a much different feel to it when compared to the first. It's a little less serious, a lot more bewbs, and I'm guessing it was meant to be a black comedy. It's not. Nothing was funny in this movie. And yes, that really is Bruce Springsteen's sister, Pamala.

Friday: I don't think I've ever sunk this far.....

Snakaconda? Sharksnakecondoastricktor? The Long Mover?

Piranhaconda

     Well, the title should say it all. It's a movie about a giant fish snake in Hawaii that eats people. There, end of story. Now you know what it's about and you don't really need details because you can just fill in the blanks yourself. You know it's going to be bad. Now you don't have to watch it, right? Nobody needs to watch it, right?

     ....well, nobody but me. No, I have to sit through this whopper of a turd and for no reason other than my Godzilla upbringing. So it's a compulsion to watch a tired Michael Madsen earn a thin paycheck while Rachel Hunter learns what it's like to be Tara Ried for 15 minutes. And all they have to do is make-believe they can act like there's a giant snakefish about to eat them.

Taste like sweat and soiled khakis.

     The good news is, everyone but 2 people are turned into snake-poo. Whether it was the unnecessary bad-guy w/henchmen or whether it was the 3 bimbos that got eaten in the first 15 minutes. They're all dead. I was really starting to worry about this snakefishsnake's motive because at first, all it really wanted to do was eat hawt women in bikini's. But after chomping down on anything standing still or running away, it was clearly NOT biased. Just hungry. But why humans? Most of these twits were running around a tropical paradise getting all sweaty. Why would you want to eat that whole WITH clothing instead of washing it off first? Yick.

Girl, you got to let that one wash herself first!

Needless to say, it's not a classic like Sharknado. Moving on...

Thursday: So....the Boss's sister has a peener?

It's not Halloween without a Summer camp film

Sleepaway Camp

   
      A boating accident causes the death of a father and child, leaving another child to live with their nutty aunt. Years later, Auntie Nutjob sends Angela, as well as her son Ricky to Camp Arawak (no where in the movie is "sleepaway" ever mentioned) for a Summer of fun and murder.

     Right from the start, Angela isn't having a good time.  She doesn't speak, she doesn't participate in any of the activities....she just stares at people and that leads (understandably) a lot of people to be annoyed and bully her.

What's the first word that comes to mind?

     Her over-protective cousin Ricky is always there to stand up for her, but pretty soon the 'accidents' start and we got ourselves a camp slasher!

      From there the accidents turn into violent murders as the movie settles into boring familiar territory all but for the very end scene. It wasn't hard predicting the killer, but I wasn't expecting the "pecker on the hen" ending that would have made Buffalo Bill smile.

This was really a Friday the 13th clone with deaths including:

Death by Drowning
Death by Bees
Death by Stabbing
Death by Machete x 4
Death by Curling Iron (not telling you how and where)
Death by Arrow

And as an added bonus, there's 3 sequels!!!....

Wednesday: It's only a matter of time before someone does a killer platypus movie...

There, I did it. It's finally over....

Cult Of Chucky

Still not scary.

Andy's back, Nica's back, Tiffany's back, and of course, Chucky is also back.

     Nica's been in an institution for several years and after all that therapy, she now believes that Chucky was never alive and that SHES'S the one that did all the killing. Since she's progressed so well, she's moved to a medium security facility where she's instantly the most disliked person there. But she also gets laid in the first 20 minutes of the film and wheelchair sex looks as awkward as it sounds. Also, if she's paraplegic, how can she feel anything?!? The math doesn't add up there.

     Anyhoo, pretty sooon Chucky dolls start showing up in the mail and you know once that happens, things get stupid and bloody. Those things include an auger drill to the back of the head, multiple stabbings, glass decapitation, wrist slitting, and a head caved in by stomping the shit out of it in heels. It's in the last 3rd of the movie it's revealed that Chucky found a spell that will let him duplicate himself in as many dolls as he wants. And much like the last movie, Tiffany is working in the background, setting things up for Chucky to murder the shit out of everyone. There's the side story where Andy is keeping the head of Chucky and routinely tortures it, but it hardly pays off in the end. I found it useless. What I did find interesting is how a facility that large only has 1 orderly, 1 nurse, and NO security cameras! At one point there's 3 dolls running around that place.

Seriously, nobody sees this on a security camera? AT ALL?!?

The best news is, I'm done with that little bastard doll for this year. The only thing left is the reboot and maybe I'll get to that next year.

Tuesday: Jason's under-achieving cousin....

Right back at ya, buddy!

Sharks and bewbs

Sharkansas Woman's Prison Massacre

     Fracking has released some prehistoric sharks in swampland and what a strange coincidence that it should happen while female prisoners from the Arkansas Woman's State Prison are on a chain-gang doing hard labor removing stumps. It also appears that cut-toff denim shorts and white tankers are just normal women's prison uniform.

     That's it. There's nothing else I can find compelling about this....not that I was looking for it in the first place. Do you really want details? I know you don't any more than I did. But I sat all the way through this 1h20m shark wank-fest. Oh and by the way, the sharks don't just stay in water. How convenient for the sharks.

     OK, obviously this is another cheese cake SiFi channel CGI crap-fest featuring Traci Lords. Yeah, you read that right. Traci Lords. Traci has never been a good actor, but FFS, she could probably do better than this. I was hoping for a fun monster movie, but this took what could have been a good cheesy watch and turned it into shark poo. Next time get Debbie Gibson.

Monday: This is the last time I hear Brad Dourif's voice this season...

Take a deep breath before saying out loud....

The Biker Warrior Babes Vs. The Zombie BABIES From Hell

I'm not sure HD was ever needed or observed.

     Yeah, I had to emphasize that one word. BABIES. This barrel-scraping sucktacular is about a biker chick killing babies. Her bike isn't even that nice.

     Jesus, just wow....OK, so after a blood sacrifice has gone south, a hole in the ground is opened up and out come the worst CGI zombie babies this world has ever seen. We also meet Zipp, the bad-ass biker bitch that's totally not a poser despite those shaved and penciled in eyebrows. Oh, and she wears pleather. There's other characters but mostly forgettable. Seriously, 2 minutes after the last line of the movie ("Let's go fuck!"), I've forgotten just about everything about these idiots and their stupid zombie baby war. Sure, you get a blood facial, a plucky lesson in strip tease, fart, poop, and sex jokes, but it's just another film made by people that scraped together enough cash for bad costumes, props, and a nerd to do the computer-generated imagery. Keeping that in mind, I'm also not a complete hater: This was a goofy film, easy to digest despite all the groan-worthy scenes and ham-fisted acting. They had fun and got some resume padding and a movie credit! In comparison, what did I do today?....scrubbed a shower and napped. They win this round....

Sunday: Chicks and sharks, amirite?!?

Now we're treading into useless sequel territory...

Curse of Chucky

     All this little bastard knows is revenge. This time he's had himself shipped to some lady named Nica who happens to be in a wheel chair. Is it me or is there a LOT of horror movies that involve people in wheel chairs? Anyhoo, Chucky is here to start murdering and he begins with Nica's mother, Sarah, making it look like a suicide. Soon after, her sister Barb, her husband Ian, and live in nanny Jill all stop in and hang out. People chat, chili is made and Chucky puts rat poison into the visiting priest's bowl. Naturally his body isn't accustomed to this new dietary supplement and he looses it on the way home, causing an accident and his own decapitation. There it's revealed that Barb and Jill (the nanny) are having an affair right under Ian's nose. But no worries, Chucky be Chucky and he off's Jill by electrocution, pops out one of Barb's eyes (somehow causing death), and hacking off half of Ian's face.

     Naturally with all this killing, somebody has to answer for it it and it looks like it's going to be Nica because there's no legal precedent for dolls that murder. After she's thrown in the loony bin, we see Tiffany, who's strangely human again, rescue Chucky from police evidence and sends him off to murder or body snatch or whatever. It's the same subplot story every movie so it's kind of irrelevant. You also get a post credit scene with Andy Barclay making a return to the series by shoving a shot gun right in the noisiest part of Chucky and blowing him away. HOWEVER...you know how this works and there's one more sequel to go so it might have all been in vain.

Saturday: Only the 2ND best movie title this year.....

The title says it all....

Pride & Prejudice & Zombies

     I've never read Pride & Prejudice, nor do I plan on doing so. I read, but this subject matter doesn't pique my interest in the slightest. This is a weird occasion in what I thought I knew what I was in for but was gravely wrong. First of all, I wasn't expecting it to be serous! I knew it wasn't a comedy, but maybe satire? None of that! Everyone acted as though they were moving into Oscar territory and the acting wasn't that bad!

     Second, it's actually a well designed mash-up of the original book, then the zombie book, and now a movie. The movie itself is of decent quality and the pacing as such I never really got bored. It was windy, but I think it pales in comparison to the original book based simply on the size of it. Surprisingly, the dialog isn't bad as long as you listen to it. There's a possibility that I might have missed out on some inside nuances because I haven't read the novel, but it all seemed inconsequential. It's just a damn period piece zombie movie, right?


 But here's my biggest gripe. I paid 3.99 for this! I didn't have a damn choice. When I picked it out in very late September, it was still on Crackle....but come October, it was removed. I was forced to pay and stream on Amazon. Soooo whhhhy? Why the fuck would you do that during the horror month? Why would you remove horror movies from your streaming site RIGHT WHEN IT'S MOST SEASONABLE?!? You don't do this during Christmas, so why would you do this and still promote your streaming site with a straight face? God, SONY, you just suck!

Oh, and Matt Smith tried to steal the show. Without a doubt, best character in the film.

Friday: Only 1 of 2 left to go.....

We jumped that shark a LONG time ago.....

Seed of Chucky

     Wow...there's a lot to unpack here. First of all, when we last saw this group of idiot dolls,  they were both dying in a graveyard (highly appropriate) and Tiffany had just given birth *after* drying. It was bloody and all I remember is teeth. Anyhoo, now we fast forward to .jr being imprisoned by some twatty circus side show act.  Junior escapes after finding his 'parents' on TV and heads to LA. Upon arriving, he manages to resurrect his parents into identical Hollywood props in what has become the finest example of 'kinda' breaking the 4th wall. Proof is in the Jennifer Tilly pudding because she plays herself.

     Horror's newest power couple realizes they really do have a son...uh...-ish. Turns out I'm spending my Wednesday night watching 2 homicidal dolls debate the gender of their offspring because it HAS NO GENITALS. I never saw that coming. From there we get to see Redman eviscerated,  Tiffany's doll bewbs, Glen/Glenda have a homicidal breakdown after melting John Water's face, and some doll cross dressing.

Somebody made a Morrissey doll!

     And I don't even think I've scrapped the surface of this movie. I'm not saying it's a really deep and compelling exploration into gender identities and society expectations. FFS, it's a bunch of dolls murdering the hell out of everyone! But THANKFULLY, it's not a dull watch. The inside jokes work well and really why not?!? At one point, nearly every horror franchise mocks itself and this took it in stride.

Thursday: A tasteful recreation of a classic American novel...

He named his cat Sir Lancelot....

Murder Party

     Chris is our main character, and he's plain. He's so plain his last name might as well Generic. On a walk home, he stumbles upon an invitation for a 'murder party'. He wasn't invited, but he's going. He even made pumpkin bread (sadly, with raisins)! After fashioning a suit of armor out of cardboard, our Capt.  Quaalude heads out for a party!

Everyone is sitting in their own puddle of wank

       ....a party put on by idiot art students, full of murderous intent and pretentious back-stabbing. They're really a bunch of flakes kissing up to some dip-shit named Alexander. Their plan is simple: Murder the simpleton that actually showed up to the 'murder party' and film in the name of art.

     After some drugs, soul searching, and general wankness, the bloodbath begins with some shootings, axings, chainsaws, fire, and um....clumsiness. Or finale was a climatic chase scene where our protagonist (not really. He's a bit of a pud) is being chased by the ax-wielding quiet one. It's always the quiet one.

     I'm surprised they made this extended episode of Tales from the Crypt 80 minutes long, but it was actually a good watch despite the mid-point slow down. Otherwise, I liked it's quirkiness and deadpan humor.

Wednesday: The good news is, I'm over the hump....

Trying to make doll-sex mainstream.....

Bride Of Chucky

     Obsessed ex-girlfriend of what was once Chucky has taken it upon herself to resurrect the little asshole in hopes to marry him. It works, but soon back-fires when he berates her for thinking he'd be into that. Oddly high standards for a bunch damn murderers. After the ridicule, she locks him up in a cage and like a bad mother,  leaves him unattended...because she's not very smart. Predictably, Chucky breaks free and electrocutes her while she's in the tub and proceeds to transfer her soul into a doll she bought for him in order to mock him. After she wakes up in the new doll body, he explains to her that he needs an amulet he was buried with to transfer the both of them into new bodies.

What's a hottie like her doing with a scrub like him?

     After making some arrangements with local ne'er-do-well, it's road-tripping to (naturally) New Jersey! Along the way we're treated to random murders, doll sex, and John Ritter!

Well it WAS John Ritter....now it's a pin cusion.

     The climax, while predictable, plays out in the graveyard where Chucky's original body is buried and were subjected to an awkward doll fight and the appearance of what could best be described as 'Chucky crotch fruit". You probably have it figured out by now that this is setting up the next sequel. So I guess my work is never truly done, but we'll get to that movie in a couple of days. Not as bad as I was expecting, but then again, this wasn't made by Full Moon Entertainment or Troma.

Tuesday: Horror movies and parties seem to go hand in hand...