It's basically The State, but where the hell is Kerri Kenney?!?

Hell Baby

     An expecting whitebread couple purchase a fixer-upper in The Big Easy and soon find out the house has a certain 'haunting' quality about its character and charm. Soon the expecting wife becomes partially possessed and is gestating a demon baby in her big 'ol baby bin. Two super-priests are sent by the Vatican to investigate and exorcise.

     Wacky hijinks ensue and trust me, if you watched The State in the '90s, or Reno 911 in the early aughts, you'll like this movie. It has all the markings of that writing team and cast, as well as help from Rob Corddry, Keegan Michael Key, and a VERY naked Riki Lindhome (full frontal, just saying. Did you know she landscapes? I do now.)

And that does it. Another 31 "movies" in the books. It was full of sharks, Stephen King, cubes, and a LOT of general trash. Maybe I went a little light this year due to our current reality being the real horror just outside our front door. Though in contrast, I'm starting to wonder if I'm running out of good horror films. Let's do this again in a year. I'm going to go read a book or something...

Meh...prima donnas, the lot of them....

What We Do In The Shadows

     Here's a fun little film from New Zealand that's, simply put, a mockumentary about the secret culture of ancient vampires. The story revolves around (roughly) 6 main characters and all their idiosyncrasies of their daily life. 

It's really hard to give much detail about the story considering it's mostly linier yet lacking in any sort of story arc. As with most mocumentaries, the crowning jokes are mostly subtle, deadpan, and bordering on absurd despite what could be reality.

     That's really the hallmark of a mockumentary and probably why I'm drawn to them. I'm going to put this down as a must-see. There's also a regular TV series based on this, but I'll have to get to that some other time.

Saturday: Final/Endgame/Last one/See you next year...

Hobo For President

 Hobo With A Shotgun

     True...true, not really a horror movie. BUT....have you seen how much blood this thing produces? Exploding heads, baseball bats that eviscerate people, flame-throwing bus-loads of kids...OK, actually I didn't like that scene but you get the idea. Everything was turned up to 11...make that 12, and no amount of violence is spared. And be honest....do you really even care about the story? NOBODY DOES...it's generic and not the reason we're watching it.

SPLOOSH!!!

     Over the top, splashy gore revenge flick based on a in-movie gag from the film Grindhouse. Thankfully, someone was smart enough to throw money and Rutger Hauer at it and what we got was a fun, silly, gory homage to grind house films....though I don't really remember them being that blood-soaked. Whatevs, it's a quick 1h 30min movie that never apologizes for anything!

Friday: Senior vampires are such a bunch of fancy-lads....

And I didn't even read the damn book....

The Stand (1994 Miniseries)

     I have this book on my shelf. I started to read it, got distracted and never went back. That was over 20 years ago. I bought the DVD for the miniseries, but it was a complete impulse buy with a promise to watch AFTER I read the book. That was probably 15 years ago. This is the year I just don't give a shit about that kind of thing so I'm watching it...all 6 hours of it, though I'm splitting it up over 2 nights to bring it down to a more reasonable 3 hours each.

     The book is huge, the story is long with lots of details, and this isn't a full comprehensive review.  However, the over-simplified cliff notes are as follows: Virus leaks out of a lab, kills almost everyone. BadGuy recruits people to hang with him in Vegas, OldLady recruits the others to hang out in Boulder CO.  OldLady starts new society in Boulder, and everyone chips in to clean up the town and create a safe, civilized society with laws and government. BadGuy starts new society in Las Vegas, and everyone chips in to clean up the town and create a safe, civilized society with laws and government. Both societies bring out the best in people but for some reason, BadGuy hates Boulder and was planning on an air strike. His air strike is foiled and OldLady dies, comes back as 'a hand of God' and NUKES VEGAS. That's right, the sweet old lady killed thousands of people that had just worked their asses off cleaning up the town, including disposing of all the corpses left behind by the plague. I should mention that BadGuy had basically REFORMED that entire lawless wasteland and turned it into a community but oh FUCK NO, OldLady ain't havin' it! SOOOO....I guess good triumphed over evil and everything is right in that world? Seems like a shitty hand to play if you ask me.

     More interesting is this All-Star mid '90s cast:

The Princess

Lt. Dan and Alf's Dad

Patrick Dauber (spelled M-O-O-N)

Max Headroom

Parker Lewis

Frequent contributor to Penthouse Forum

And a cameo by Roger Murdock (Co-pilot, retired)

              and some dude named Rob Lowe....whoever that's supposed to be.

In the end, his only real crime was too much denim.

Thursday: Down to the final 3! Also, please be respectful of your local hobo...

 Velocipastor

     After a priest's parents die in a horrible explosion,  he decides to go for a soul searching travel. While "in China", he meets a woman with an arrow in her back and a large claw-like thing in her hand. After she dies in his arms, he makes a run for it and accidently cuts his hand on the claw. I guess that turns him into a dinosaur, specifically a velociraptor, and he saves a hooker from a would-be robber by mauling him to death.  

     Let's just stop right there for a sec. At least the title is accurate, and yes, it's a comedy. An intentional comedy. It leans a lot towards the absurd...

I mean,  REALLY absurd....

Yep, this is my hobby.

Funny, silly, cheap....that meets all the requirements for me!

Tuesday/Wednesday: One more Stephen King double header....

 The Car

     In a nasty dirty future, an ambitious public defender is tortured and killed because he has a data chip the bad guys want. When they're done, they toss him out a 30th floor window and he lands on his newly acquired luxury car with terrible Lambo doors. Apparently, the corpse and car combine to create what is probably an unnecessary sequel to a slightly obscure 1977 car horror film of the same name. He was also a possessive near-psychopath hell-bent on getting back together with his ex and she's not having it. Needless to say, the man-car goes on a rampage killing all the fiends involved with his murder....as well as ANYONE that comes near his ex. I'm not sure if they intended this to also be a horror drama, but they tried their best. Thankfully, this is slightly better than the original and car from that movie makes a cameo as a donor. There's a lot of squishy head-'sploding gore with deaths such as:

Death by car

Death by car 

Death by Car

Death by Car 

Death by Car 

Death by Car 

Death by Car  

and Death by Car

It's a car. It can't do much other than run over people.

Monday: Proper use of Dinosaurs and Ninjas...

Saved the best for last

Bad CGI Shark

     Out of the 7 terrible shark movies I picked, I hoped just ONE of these films was actually fun. House Shark tried it's best, but it was too silly. Raiders of the Lost Shark was....pointless. Shark Exorcist and Super Shark flatlined through their entire 70 minute runs. Mega Shark vs. Kolosus should never have been made, and Psycho Shark was this years movie mulligan. So that leaves us with one last chance to have a fun shark movie. No pressure, Bad CGI Shark, but this entire week rests on you...

     Two brothers are fans of sharks and as kids, they wanted to make a movie. Divorces happen, and the brothers are split up. One becomes an office drone, the other a useless hippy. The father, keeper of the hippy, kicks him out and sends him to live with his drone brother...who just got fired. Then a shark floating in mid-air shows up and that's where it becomes a fun movie. Did you read that right? It is actually a funny movie with people that can act (mostly). Holy shit, how'd I find this one?!?...

Living up to the title!

...Oh, I remember now....I found it while slogging through 6 other shitty shark movies that I'll never have to watch again.

Sunday: Give a crappy movie a crappy sequel? How trendsetting.....

Hard pass on this one...

 Psycho Shark

     Originally named Jaws In Japan, this film tries to be a thinking man's shark movie? Maybe? It's also a lot of fan-service cheesecake featuring some young Japanese women on vacation in Okinawa. While staying in a hotel, they're loaned a video camera by the hotel staff and proceed to take a lot of cutesy-cutesy bullshit videos of them frolicking on the beach. Eventually one of them finds a tape hidden by the rooms previous occupants and things get weird from there.

The cutesy crap becomes old real quick....

     There's a lot of intermingling of dream sequences and reality that will probably leave you scratching your head. The worst offence would be that the shark doesn't really exist and it is a metaphor for....something? A predator or serial killers maybe? The only thing for sure is that this is NOT a shark movie. But it's still better than Raiders of the Lost Shark.

Saturday: Our last contender to be a decent shark movie, should something like that exist

Who keeps giving these poeple money to make these movies?!?!

Mega Shark vs Kolosus

     While the magalons are terrorizing the oceans, Russian arms dealers find a gigantic robot in an underground lab. Mistakes are made, and it's let loose. It, much like the shark, wants to destroy everything it can. Meanwhile, a crap-ton of bad actors muck their way through this giant shark turd sandwich with Raj from What's Happening being the biggest offender.

This stupid movie just has no redeeming value and I want every character in this film to be eaten by the big shark as violently as possible. So far, it's the only thing I like about this movie. I mean....fuck, man...look at the stupid gifs.....

Friday: Japan has their say about Shark Week...

From the time before Sharknado....

Super Shark

     Does it really matter what the storyline is? Bla-bla-bla underwater oil drilling bla-bla-bla toxic exposure to chemicals bla-bla-bla shark eats people bla-bla-bla holy shit, is that Jimmy Walker? bla-bla-bla some bullshit about hydrolyzing agent bla-bla-bla shark hates radio waves, bla-bla-bla what the fuck is John Schneider doing in this piece of crap?

     That should about cover it. A stupid movie about sharks that paved the way for comically fun/bad movies named "Sharknado".

The pain is real and the worst is yet to come...

Thursday: Which is dumber? Giant shark or giant robot?

This movie is a great way to start hating shark movies...

Shark Exorcist

     One pissed off & stabby nun denounces God, and hails Satan after punching someone in the gut...with a knife. She asks Big Daddy Satan to possess a shark (not my first pick) and as expected, it starts murdering the hell out of everybody. There sadly really isn't much more to tell. The movie title is cooler than the movie.

     I think this is why I liked the Sharknado movies so much. They took a stupid idea and didn't hold back. Every wacky idea that spilled out of that ganja-haze filled writing room was used and not just half assed, they cranked that up to 11. This? This could have been a funny, over the top wacky killer shark movie but instead it became a sputtering wet fart that mercifully ends after 71 minutes. That's right, they took a page out of the Evil Bong playbook and gave us an hour and ten minute time waster.

Wednesday: Not one life saved by this shark....

Ohio Johnson and the Kinda Spooky Lake of Doooom...

Raiders of The Lost Shark

"Misleading movie poster" is an understatement.

     Let me first begin by immediately dismissing the title as it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with this 'story'. This is a story about a lab shark that got loose and kills Canadians hanging out by a lake. At some point the shark learns to fly and....kills more people from a slightly higher elevation. People said words, did some things, died....

You're going to die.

You die too. Nobody liked you.

You die as well. I was happy when you died.

     THIS! This is what happens when you raid the local community theater for 'actors' and try to put a movie together with inheritance money you got when granny died. THIS is why owning an iPhone does NOT make you a cameraman. THIS is why I question the sanity of Canadas population in its entirety. THIS is why I read books to keep the mind-rot away. If I didn't do that and just watched trash like this all the time, my brain would be a useless pile of gelatinous mush slowly oozing out of my ears.

Tuesday: Shark Week continues!!!.... with another piece of crap....

Friends don't let friends make bad shark movies....

House Shark

     It's a nearly 2 hour movie about a shark that preys on the inhabitants of a suburban house. Try not to over think that.

These two idiots...

     No really, just let it go. It's a silly movie with some very limited humor. You might want to surf the 'net while watching it. In fact, I encourage it.

...are fighting this 'shark' and LOSING!!!

    No really...it doesn't' get any deeper than that. The shark has a laser gun! Just thinking about that will kill braincells so save yourself and just don't worry about the plot or realism. It's like the Land Shark skits on Saturday Night Live...but those were better. Way better.

Monday: Spielberg and Lucas's forbidden Canadian love child....

Drugs started this, and drugs are going to end it!!!

The Banana Splits Movie

     What happens when you take a late 60's Saturday morning kids show and turn it into a horror film?

This movie.

     Sorry to be anticlimactic, but there wasn't anywhere else to go with that.  People on drugs developed the Banana Splits TV show, and a couple of dudes on drugs decide to reboot the show as a horror movie. The scary part is, it's mildly successful!

      Little Harley is a rabid fan of the Banana Splits, though none of his friends are. He also doesn't really have any friends. For his birthday, his mother buys him tickets to a taping of The Banana Splits and arranges for a 'friend' to come with. While at the taping, the cast and crew find out they've been canceled. This doesn't really have an emotional affect on the stars of the show, The Banana Splits, as they're all robots. However, one robot had a programing error and soon all 4 are murdering the fuck out of people that were invited to a meet & greet with the stars. 

Seriously, who makes a horror movie .gif and leaves out the gore?

     Some deserve it, some don't and that makes it hard to like the murdering robots. There's also a completely unnecessary side story involving a failing marriage and some blended-family resentment. It only served to give us a great splatter scene at the end. 

     Look, I know....it seems like a silly premise, and it is. But it was well done despite it's obvious low budget and 100% better than the killer sofa movie I watched last week. That being said, I've proven over and over that you could do worse....

Sunday: Shark Week begins!!!!

Hecho en Mexico!!!

Wrestling Women vs The Aztec Mummy

     I'll be honest, I picked this movie simply because of it's ridiculous title. It's just too silly to over look. Sadly, the title doesn't live up to the hype as it's rather boring. It is, however, NOT misleading. There are lady wrestlers and there is an Aztec zombie, but it's a hell of a wait to get those two together.

     The meat of the story is this: A gang named the Black Dragons knock off an archaeologist for his "secret codex", but before he's killed, he hands it over to another professor who in turn devides it up between lady wrestlers. It's well known that lady wrestlers and professors can be found in the same social circles....I guess?  Maybe that's how things work  in Mexico? By the way, this film was dubbed in English but it's all Mexico, baby!

     Anyhoo, it turns into a cat and mouse chase to get the "secret codex" back into the hands of the Black Dragons. They use advanced surveillance and even employ mind control to retrieve them. Never once in the movie do I recall it explaining the "secret codex", but what ever it is, it appears to help wake up the Aztec zombie and all hell breaks loose with a shoot-out and lots of running. Eventually, the zombie is buried, and all is right with whatever backwoods world this is. The end....thankfully.

Saturday: A rebuttal for "The Hug"