Another Nightmare Before Christmas

Saint (or Saint Nick if you're American)
2010

This movie was a hard to pass turd!

1492, December 5 - A murderous Spanish cleric named Niklas rides into town on a greyish white horse, with his Black Pete henchman, who loot, kill, kidnap, and post demands; sliding down chimneys and kicking in doors. The posted demands are the last straw. The villagers mobilize and take out the Petes, then turn Nicky's boat to ash. Unfortunately, he was still on it. His "I'm burning" dance was kind of comical.

1968, December 5 - Some wholesome family of five is getting ready for St. Niklas day dinner when the father hears the pigs are astir. Oldest Son goes to check while Younger Brother and Little Sister hang out by the fireplace (you can see where this is going). Whilst Oldest is in the barn, the camera pans the jelly cabinet (no lie) and a pair of eyes in a burn-scarred face fly open. Next thing you know Younger Bro is snatched up the chimney and Little Sis becomes a geyser behind the couch. Dad goes to investigate and well...Oldest exits the barn and thinks he sees something scurrying about the roof. Suddenly, St, Nick is atop the tiles on a rearing horse. Seriously. When he's regained his anal retention, Oldest makes it to the house. The inside looks like...what you'd expect when some creepy 500yr old dead guy and his stooges pay you a visit.
 
Present Day, December 5 - Lame poetry by high schoolers (or were they college students?) and vague references to ominous visits every 32 yrs. This movie just plain sucked. I mean I couldn't tell if it was a bad dub or just terrible acting...and I mostly didn't care. For one thing, they couldn't seem to keep their myth straight. When does the evil St Nick come? Because I can add and 1968 + 32 does not equal 2010. In fact, a 32yr cycle starting from 1492 would not account for visitations in 1968 or 2010. The fact that I even care about this tells you how abysmal this movie really was. Anywho, they finally settled on visitations occurring anytime the full moon falls on December 5th, which brings up another point: how many people just randomly know or can calculate that in their head? Well the male lead can. I'm guessing he had all the time in the world to pull out his charts (or google it on his iPhone) while he was running for his life. Oh wait, he actually spent a good deal of the movie in handcuffs. Maybe he's just that smart...but not smart enough to know blowing up a boat (likely full of children) when the villains AREN'T EVEN ON IT isn't the best idea.

You got to see him kill maybe 5 of the 300+ he supposedly offed.

And if another persons asks, "Do you smell something burning?" I'm going to scream. It's not funny, it was never funny, and the twentieth time it was asked, I really wished something was: this piece of celluloid trash.

In the end, Niklas takes up residence in the local cathedral's belfry. I hope he razes the place. His ride across the rooftops was the best part of this whole damn film. And his staff was badass.