All The Better To Eat You With, My Dear!

Once Upon a Time
"Red-handed"

If you're familiar with Once Upon a Time, you know that it takes place in "reality" and in The Enchanted Forest - a fairytale land - on the premise that the two are linked by the cursed townspeople of Storybrooke, ME. I'm focusing on the forest tale for this contribution.

It's Wolfstime in the Forest. Once a month the townspeople are threatened by a monstrously huge and viscous wolf that shreds their livestock. Ironically, no one in this magical land full of ogres and trolls and Rumplestiltskin has figured out that this is a werewolf. It's obvious who the wolf is...well obvious to us. The clueless townsfolk have formed a search party to hunt the beast down. Granny Lucas forbids Red (her granddaughter) to go on the hunt, and to keep time with a young wasteful named Peter (a delightful play on Peter and the Wolf - making it even more obvious). She is also really adamant that Red remained cloaked under the red hood (great Batman movie, but I digress) that she has given her to "ward off the wolf". Riiight.

Red isn't very obedient. Soon after catching Snow White (a "good" character who is amazingly adept as causing tragedy to befall others) looting eggs in her barn, Red decides to defy granny and run away with her true love, Peter. During this time the girls discover that the wolf has decimated the hunting party from the previous night and after displaying astounding tracking abilities, Red suspects the wolf is Peter. Honestly, I really couldn't figure out how she or Snow could have come to that conclusion based on the location of the tracks, and given the time of day that transformations were taking place. However, they decide to swap cloaks and Red goes to "warn" Peter...and then chains him to a tree. I don't think I need to spell this out. At least she'll always have a part of him with her. Well...until she defecates.



Next up: How does one get kicked out of heaven and hell?

Werewolf Annoys Community

Full Moon High


God this was so campy.  Typical 80s B-movie horror-spoof.  Made in 1981 but opening with a 1950s setting, this plays out like a lackluster live-action Archie comic with fur:

Tony's conspiracy-and-espionage-obsessed dad takes him on vacation to Romania - in the middle of the school year - and makes min roam around the countryside looking for bizarre museums while he gets it on with hookers.  He has the inevitable meeting with a werewolf who sounds like a jaguar and comes with its own violinist.  He gets home, gnaws on a few folks and then splits.  Then the whole thing fast forwards to the 1970s.

Like a lot of movies from this time period and genre, there's some sloppy editing and poor transitioning.  One minute people are conversing in the living room and the next they're seated at the kitchen table, mid-sentence in the same conversation.  It was kinda funny but you won't feel deprived if you miss it.  The newspaper headlines were hands down the best gags going.


I'll say this,though, for a wolf, he attracted a lot of pussy.  Unfortunately, one was his crazy (and now 40-something) ex-girlfriend and another was a slutty weirdo into S&M.  I guess a monster could do worse.


Best Line: "I'm not the sort of guy who believes in vampires Werewolves or Virgins."