A very fine Halloween Thanksgiving film..

Thanksgiving

     On Black Friday eve, a store opens early and a stampede ensues, causing a handful of fatalities. Sadness happens and we spring forward a year later for a good ole revenge murder fest. 

      Some dude that looks like Guy Fawkes's loser cousin starts a murder rampage of all the biggest offenders of the riot shopping spree, each one dying in as gory as possible manner. 

      This movie is based on a trailer from the movie Grindhouse. This would also make it the 3rd full length movie to spring from the fake trailers and each one has been over the top violent. My personal fav is Hobo With a Shotgun. Anyhoo, good movie but also kind of basic? I mean...Patrick Dempsy? Really?

Deaths include:

Death by dumpster

Death by  beheading x2

Death by 180 degree head spin

Death by a knifey trampoline

Death by table saw

Death by parade float

Death by oven

Death my meat tenderizer

Death by fiery explosion....maaaybe

Tuesday: Clive Barkers movies are old enough for reboots?

A Regrettable Police Action...

 Bimbo Movie Bash

     Sent on a mission from a planet 5 light years away, a team of...um...anti-misogynist enforcers lands on planet Earth to teach chauvinist pig-dog men a lesson in equality and respect...by wearing skimpy clothing, bad acting, and bare bewbs!  And really, what did you expect? The name of their home planet is Bimbus 36D...nyuk nyuk nyuk. 

     This is largely a movie of mash-ups; scenes pulled from countless bad sci-fi films, stock footage, over-dubs, and zero original footage. It's loosely stitched together to form a bigger, dumber movie filled with bad dick jokes and pointless nudity. By the half way point, you're bored of seeing scenes ripped from Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death and realize there is a reason this movie has been buried in someone's archive for almost 3 decades. It should have stayed there. This isn't a Halloween film, this is my annual Mulligan movie. Moving on...

This fucking cast:

Adrienne Barbeau!

Morgan Fairchild!

Julie Strain!

Shannon Tweed!

Linnea Quigley!

And at his '80s B-Movie best, Bill Maher.

Monday: Stop confusing the holidays!

How to ruin a shower scene....

 Return to Return to Nuke 'em High

Settle in, kids. This one is a doozy.

     Lloyd Kaufman just doesn't give a fuck anymore. In the first 3 minutes, we're treated to a high school woman's shower scene that starts out great, but ends in a horrible mess as one of the teen girls suddenly starts her period...and it's radioactive. This has some sad consequences as it melts most of the other woman in the shower. Bummer. And nearly every shower scene ends in a bloodbath mixed with toxic acid. And fear not, it's not just the ladies that get naked. There's a very underwhelming peen scene that I'm thankful nobody has turned into a gif. But here's hint: Prince. Albert.

     And as for the plot...just don't. Don't worry about what's not there. It's all over the place, makes no sense, and you'll be distracted by all the damn nudity. It's so over the top, it's almost exhausting. For fuck sake, Lloyd fellates a goddamn banana! There's a penis ripping scene (mostly censored), and assorted insane gross-out violence. You'll need a nap after this one.

Jesus, Lloyd! What the fuck?!!?

All-star cast includes:

Crazy old man Lloyd Kaufman

Rapist Ron Jeremy

Monique Dupree...whoever the hell that is.

Stan Lee

Internet Famous James Rolfe.

But I saved the best for last:

PRESIDENT LEMMY

Sunday: I'm don't think this qualifies as a feminist film

Ground beef, tomato sauce, onions...and some dumb

 Inhumanwich

     A clown-faced astronaut is sent to do space things in space. While up there, an accident occurs and he's dosed up with mega-radiation that combines him with a sandwich he was eating. From this un-godly combination, he becomes the Inumanwich! The plot is as tight as the science. Picture The Blob, but made out of sloppy joes. 

Hawt!!!

     It slithers around, eats people, grows, rinse & repeat. It's not the deepest puddle you've stepped in, you know for sure you've stepped in something.

    Yes, this is a bad movie, but semi-intentionally. It's "filmed" in complete black and white...probably on an I-Phone. The jokes are subtle, but not horrible. But they're also not laugh out loud either. 73 minutes is just about right for this 'movie', and you never have to watch it again.

Saturday (yes, I know I'm behind): A sequel to a classic sequel that only people like me asked for.

A Motorcycle Enthusiast and the "Marines"...

 Murdercycle

Nothing in this poster happens in the movie.
Literally, NOTHING happens in this movie.

     Oh how did I miss this gem from the late 90s? A motorcycle enthusiast riding around a military base at night witnesses a meteorite crashing into the ground. He does the smart thing and investigates the crash site, only to find a small ball...that opens up and fully encompasses him in some sort of space demon robot armor. The space demon robot now has a motorcycle and just wants to kill people. The next day, the military starts hunting it with a small unit of 'Marines', some CIA spook, and a psychic. And they're all idiots. Idiots that can't act. Hard to believe, right?

What we all wanted.

     Anyhoo, there's not much to detail here. It's a seriously boring movie. It's a great movie to fold laundry, read an article, or nap to. And there's nobody to root for. The jarheads are annoying, the CIA spook is a slow turd, the psychic ham-fists her way through her lifeless dialog, and the Murdercycle...not even that dork can give me hope in this movie. It was so bad, the commercial breaks were lovely. Time to move on....

The wet fart we got.

Friday: How about some finger sandwiches?

Always bet on Big Green

 Bad CGI Gator

    This is one of those movies where you root for the monster, bad-guy, or all around antagonist. It's also always appropriate to giggle when it says 'starring', and a list of  B- grade actors follows...there's no star there. 6 minutes in, and I want EVERYONE in this move to processed into 'gator poo. Nobody's worth saving.  They're all Baldwins and Bettys who may not be super rich, but you can bet 2-3 of them have dealerships  owned by their dads. Bros, beers, and titties. It's their complete net-worth on every level. 

Please be more dead

     Sooo...the plot. Yeah, that thing. These are recent collage grads and they've decided to pitch their school laptops into a pond, rather than wipe the drives and donate them to people who could use them. They follow through and into the drink they go. This, naturally, causes a strange reaction with a gator and it becomes...a Bad CGI Gator. Thick-ass plot, bro!  The gator, being a real stand up guy and very appreciative of it's new found abilities, starts killing these idiots, doing the world a favor. That's why it's my favorite character in the movie. He's the real bro.

Our Hero!!!

58 minutes of punishment that will last a lifetime in your mind, But what did you expect? It's from Full Moon Entertainment. And even more damning, it was written by Zalman Band, son of Charles Band. A man known for writing movie scripts with a dried-out turd for a pencil. Ouch.

Thursday: Of meteors and motorcycles....

Count Dooku vs The Equilizer

Celebrating Year 15-ish!!!

Wicker Man (1973)

     I've seen this talked about for years, but I've never taken the time to watch. Now it seems a good time to check this out and avoid the Nick Cage version.

     We start with our protagonist policeman who just happens to be The Equalizer. No, not Denzel or Queen Latifah. The original: Edward Woodward. And let me tell you, he's stiff as a board. stoic, and confounded by the eccentric town he's been dispatched to for a missing child investigation. Within 16 minutes we're treated to the officer walking through a field at night while half the village is screwing their brains out...right out there in the open. Eccentric? Yes...but WAY more fun than...um...not having sex in the out doors. It turns out the entire town is a pagan haven, while he's a devout Christian. Needless to say, this befuddles his sensibilities. I don't think he's ever been around this many naked people. This poor repressed man is going crazy and nobody wants to help him find the missing girl. 

Well, that's because the girl isn't missing. She's bait to bring him to the island so he can be the sacrifice rather than her. He finds the little girl, alright...then he's burnt in a wicker cage. And then Burning Man ripped it off and gave middle aged Gen-Xers and Millennials a place to trip balls and fuck while dressed like an extra in The Road Warrior.

Things of note:

There's way too much singing in this

 It's a great movie to nap to

Christopher Lee is, for once, playing a much different character. No vampires, Sith, or soldier. Just a pagan hippy in a blazer.  I've never seen his hair this long:

And then he made it longer so he could look like Cher...

Wednesday: Enough with the classics! It's time for some fuckery!!!