"I don't think the air holes you put into my condom are working"

Dude Bro Party Massacre III

     This is a production from the group that gave us 5 Second Films. Literally, the films are 5 seconds long and while you may not LOL, you will crack a smile. Naturally when they were crowdfunding this, I was eager to see the end results.

     The long of the short is, the remaining survivor of twin brothers infiltrates a fraternity that his murdered sibling was part of in order to find his killer. They end up at a camp on a lake, and wacky hi-jinks ensue. Over the top violence, blood that sprays everywhere, dark humor, tons of 'bro-y' frat-ness,  and some cameos by Larry King, Nina Hartley, and Patton Oswalt.

     I don't want to go into detail because quite frankly, I've seen this before. It's a spoofy mash-up of a crap-ton of horror tropes that we know and probably grew up with and this was no exception. If you've seen Scary Movie...ANY of them, you've seen this. This is one I've wanted to see for a while and it's really hard for me to not be critical. For 3 years I've put this off because I was too cheap to buy the download or DVD/Bluray. This year, I said 'fuggit' and splurged. I did enjoy it, but I was really hoping for something different. There were some great lines, but I think I let the 3 year build up overrate this and I was left with a 'meh' feeling. I couldn't even find any decent gifs to share!

     That being said, I'm done! 31 days and 31 movies in the books. I think this years stand-outs from my list are The Void, The Devils Candy, and Holidays. The biggest turd was Halloween Pussy Trap Kill! Kill! without a doubt.

Now I'm off to read a book or whatever it takes to kill off the next 2 months of depressing holiday cheer.

I've never heard of a 'dicky' and I'm not Frenching a zombie/demon hybrid...

Dead Before Dawn

     So when your Occult shop owning grandfather tells you NOT TO TOUCH THE SUPER SCARY URN on the top shelf....the first thing you should do is show it off to the hottie you have a thing for. But if you played it safe, we wouldn't have a movie! But that's what happens when Casper (not the ghost) covers for his Grandfather who's receiving a occult lifetime achievement award. It also doesn't help that you're an overly cautious safety nerd.

     So breaking the urn had consequences. When it breaks, everything that the group said turned out to curse anyone they made eye-contact with. Which means people that catch their gaze kill themselves, then become 'zemons', which is half zombie-half demon. Also, if you want to make one of the zemons your slave, just make out with it! See, that's why you don't put young adults in charge of scripting curses.

     Naturally, (or is it 'supernaturally'?), there's a way to break the curse, but I really didn't  pay attention to that. I was more enamored by the silly black humor that was spread throughout the film. Thankfully it wasn't repetitious or overdone. There were only a few boring or predictable scenes. It made for a nice light movie and that's what I was looking for at the end of this month. I've seen people killed soooo many ways that I'm getting a little desensitized. And it's no surprise that happens about the same time every year.

Wednesday: The final flick and everybody in this film needs to die.......

The only purge film I want to see...

Meet The Blacks

     The Blacks have moved from Chicago to Beverly Hills to live the good life in a safe neighborhood...right before the annual Purge. Despite total denial form Carl, the father, the Purge starts and all the skeletons come out of the closet. For example, the money that afforded them a house in Beverly was stolen from a drug-lord, a very pissed off agent from Visa Card, and the business owner of a bouncy house rental whom Carl stiffed.

     It's just a hair over-the-top, stereotypical, and a lot of fun without feeling the need to apologize. Don't think too hard, just try to have fun with it. Besides, where else are you ever going to see a white-faced Snoop Dogg?

Better than UFC on PPV...

Freddy Vs. Jason

     Long awaited fan-service film for people that were waaaay to into Jason & Freddy. We watched them, but we made fun of them because they really did get silly. And this film...well....nothing ever really changes.

     From the start, we're told that the only way Freddy can keep coming back is if people remember him. The town has gone to obscene lengths to 'forget' about him, so he calls out his homey Jason to start killing and get people remembering The Fred. Chopping up horny teens is the BEST way to do that. It works, and guess who's back!

     Basically, Jason is working as Freddy's werewolf. He's sent in to build belief in Freddy, and in turn build his strength so he can kill whatever's left. Seems kind of like sloppy seconds or last call for a bar hook up, but whatever. Once the killings start, the story of Freddy starts spreading thanks to 2 buds kept in an asylum busting out and spreading the word. They were in there and kept isolated because they were some of the last kids to have contact with The Fredster.

    Unlike all the other Friday movies, this one avoids the stalk kill. It leans heavily toward the Nightmare ethos and that's fine because it's a lot less linear. However, we're back to the silly antics of Freddy.

     Sadly, all is not well with the agreement between Freddy and Jason after Jason starts stealing kills from Freddy. Freddy takes exception to this and the battles begin. And trust me, the battles aren't hokey. In fact, it's best part of the movie! I was worried that this would be a total let down due to some lame half ass fight. But no, they go all out and that was what SHOULD have happened! Blood EVERYWHERE! It's a battle of horror titans, damn it! Wreck EVERYTHING!!! Watching them kick the shit out of each other made a decent movie better but one thing I know for sure...I'm not cleaning up that mess.

      This is the end of this year's Sequel Hell. I've now seen every Friday movie with the exception of the pointless 2009 reboot that I saw sitting in the $5 bin at Walmart this very night. I'll probably go back and get it but I thought it a stupid idea to reboot a series that is constantly telling the same story over and over. It's been told 11 times. What's a reboot/remake going to do? There's also a TV series, but that's going to cost a lot more for the DVD set, so maybe we'll visit that in the future.

That Freddy! Always a teaser!!!

     Deaths By: Machete to stomach, machete to back, beheading, machete to the front EVERYTHING,  double machete stabbing.  neck spinning, flaming machete to the back, machete to chest x 3, burning to death, evisceration, coat hook impalement, tree slapping, dying in each others arms like a good bunch of homicidal maniacs in love should.



Monday: Down to the final 3. They probably suck....

Tastes like bad guitar riffs and insanity...

The Devils Candy 

     Our movie starts with an unshaven Uncle Fester hammering away at a guitar in what's presumed to be the middle of the night. Mom has had enough and unplugs the guitar and informs him that his Jimmy Hendrix-wannabe-ass is going back to the mental hospital. He disagrees and kills mamma. Months later, the house is sold to a Father/Daughter/Mamma trio. The father is an artist that is bordering on hipsterism, while the mom is some sort of office drone.  Daddy has turned the shed into a workshop and starts hearing voices which becomes a muse and he starts some wicked paintings that are somewhat prophetic.

      Soon, the Hendrix wannabe shows up and wants to just hang out in his old house. The new residents say 'no, go fuck yourself' and he runs off and kills a kid. Sweet guy, no?  After shaking off the sluggish first half, the movie takes a much more intense turn featuring home invasions, kidnapping, nearly getting butchered, shot, immolated, and I have to say, I fucking loved it. Not often does my heart-rate pick up when watching films, but this did the trick. Every move the director could have made to invoke a response worked on me and for once, I felt like I had watched a horror film. Though the story isn't' very deep, everything else compensated for it.

     The cast is filled with people I don' t know, but they did a spot on job. Tony Amendola is the only recognizable face here. And even though it's a brief scene, he owns it.

     One other thing I loved about this movie is its mostly metal sound track. It was well timed, felt native to the film, and thankfully not overbearing.

Sunday: Best friends forever!!!!

In space, nobody can hear you face-palm....

 Jason X

    Uhh....somehow Jason is still alive and in a research facility. You know how well that will work, so he inevitably escapes. While attempting to to murder everyone in the facility, he's trapped in a cryo tank and frozen, but not before claiming one last victim. We jump ahead 445  year, and super smart future people open his tank and even frozen, he still manages to cut someones arm off! After a bunch of sciency stuff, both Jason and last victim are revived. And as you know, things get a lot stabbier when that happens.

     While Jason does his prey-stalking you're treated to a bunch of typical future space tropes including, but not limited to, a Space Machete. In a lot of ways, it reminded me of Andromeda and I half expected Sorbo to to be a deus ex machina. At about the 3/4 point in the movie, Jason is beat back into an infirmary where nanobot things reformat him to become Future Space Jason. Sure...I'll buy it. A lot of nuttier things have happened in this franchise. Makes perfect sense. We've had Hellraiser and Leprechaun in space, so why the hell not?

Don't worry. She's a robot that nobody liked.

    The only scene that saved this movie was the virtual campers. It almost makes up for this superfluous Jason vs Star Trek film. You don't really need to watch the entire movie, so just jump to that scene and call it watched!

"Hey, you want to drink a beer?"

Deaths by: Stabbing, spearing, freezing face mash, stabbing by future machete, wall+skull bash, neck snapping, impalement with an auger, machete to throat, chopping in half, beheading, electrocution, and sucked through vent via cabin decompression.


Saturday: This has NOTHING to do with candy....

People still wear tutus? Are they doing it ironically?

Halloween Pussy Trap KILL KILL

     This film starts with a generic Middle Eastern battle with US soldiers. 3 of the American soldiers are captured and shot, beheaded, or had their face ripped off. We skip ahead to some dorky crap band playing club gigs and they really suck. There's some inner turmoil and one of the members is kicked out for trying to rape one of the other band mates, and that's a pretty solid deal breaker. On the road to the next gig they meet a very humbled Richard Grieco trying to act like a hick-neck. He ends up gassing them and trapping them in a dungeon. That's when Dave Fucking Mustaine introduces himself as The Mastermind (aka the guy that had his face ripped off), and proceeds to give them even more gas causing hallucinations and I guess it's a torture porn movie?
     The rest of the movie is a Saw ripoff where the 'contestants' make their way through chamber after chamber to earn their freedom, usually after causing someone else's death. I don't know what this film is trying to be. It's got good title, but it's like a cross between a Tromaville movie and a really shitty Tromaville movie. It's a damn dime store Saw, and it fails. Damn it, I thought it was going to be a FUN movie.

   Congratulations, you've won this years Worst Movie honor.

Next time, make the title more accurately reflect what it is:  Stupid People overacting in a Terribly Written Film'.

Friday: X marks the spot, I guess...