Obligatory Summer Camp Slaughter!!!

Sleepaway Camp 3

     A young woman leaves for camp and mumbles something about not coming back to her parents. Prophetic because soon she's run over by a trash truck, thrown in the compactor, never seen again. Who would commit such an atrocity? Well, the Boss's sister, of course!!! 

That's supposed to be a guy, btw.

     That's right, Pamela Springsteen returns as Angela Baker for another Summer camp romp after stealing the first victims identity. Her mission? Punish teens that fornicate, drink, smoke, and...well, just about everything a teen does. This particular group, while from various walks of life, are mostly troubled teens so it's kinda like handing the Zippo to the pyromaniac. Angela desperately wants the happy Summer camp experience but it keeps getting ruined by kids doing sinful things! So out comes the claws, axes, guns, and uh.....flagpole?

     It's kinda clear that the writers are running out of ideas and I never thought I'd say that even the third Leprechaun movie was more original, but seeing is believing. It's got boobs, blood, yelling, running, side drama, and racial stereotypes 'from the streets', but soooo much meh!

     And guess what, there's 2 more!...but that's for another time. This is where we say goodbye to Ms. Baker for the season and move on to things more....symmetrical.

Thursday: Thankfully, the last film about horror boxes...

What if they tried something round instead....

 Cube 2: Hyper Cube

   There's no doubt about it, this is the lackluster cousin of a pretty decent movie named Cube. We have new players, but similar situations and an annoying ending. And for the second time in a row, there's one stabby asshole while everyone else wants out and is willing to work on it.

     At this point, a franchise can go 2 directions: Better than the first movie (rare), or worse than the first with a smaller and smaller budget (typical). This went the latter, but really tried it's best to be as interesting as the first. Sure, they try to feed a little more info in as to why the cube maze exists, but really it doesn't. It's not a terrible watch, but it is full of meh and had an ending I don't get. But this .gif will give some clues as to my feelings on the film:

So the real question is will the 3rd film be better or round out the downfall?

Wednesday: Bruce Springsteen's fun-hating sister...

Most famous horror movies are BECAUSE of kids.....

 Prom Night

     A group of kids are playing in an abandoned school house  and become total dicks to one littler girl, causing her to slip and fly out out a window to her death. They all swear to secrecy because they don't want to get spanked for causing their friends death. Double dick move, kids. 

This is why I don't have kids. They're mostly assholes.

     Shift forward to high school years and we meet a very young Jamie Lee Curtis right in the middle of her scream queen era. She's a sister to the poor dead girl and the entire family, including her brother, are doing the best to cope. It's also on the eve on the Prom, so there's really no mystery what's going to happen next...

....well since you asked, it's a heaping helping of revenge! We got lots of typical kills, and one masked asshole killing off pretty normal people. Only one of the deaths was really welcomed and when you see it, I think you'll agree. 

It's OK. His future was a trailer court or prison.

The rest, easy to say, is a simple 80's slasher flick that really only has 2 highlights:

Leslie Fucking Nielson bustin' some moves!!!

And the REAL star of the movie:

Seymour "Slick" Crane

     Say what you want about Seymour's aesthetics, that mad fool dropped a pickup line and got some play! He's got game, yo!!!...then he died horrifically, post coital. That was a bummer.

     Anyhoo, there's a legitimate surprise finding out it was Jamie's brother as the killer. Fuck, the movie is over 40 years old and you've had plenty of time to watch it. Don't get pissy about me dropping spoilers.

Tuesday: We squaresies?

Bunch of squares...

Cube 

     Perfectly boring random people are tra-la-la-la-la-ing around, minding their own business and boom, next thing they know they're in a cube. One of many, I should add. All of them adjoined to the next on all three axis's. Some are inert, some are filled with deadly traps like razor wire, gas, and acids.

     The point of the cube is heavily implied that it's one part punishment and one part maze but the real reason is never made clear. From the beginning, there's no real way to know which room is a trap and which is safe. The preferred method is swinging your boots around in an empty room before going in. However, after some small panels with numbers are noticed, a method is discovered ala the universe's only constant:

NERD!!!

     Math. That's right, nerds save the day again!...well, kinda. Hate to spoil this for you, but only one survives, and he's not socially coherent. But he's good at math.

This guy. Good at huge numbers but doesn't like the red rooms.

   While not overly intense, it is a nice watch despite some over-characterization some actors throw out there. While paranoia is implied to run rampant, only one person is really suffering from that and when he dies, there's nothing left but a grease spot. Had he not been there, they'd all have survived and the movie would still have been OK.

     I would like to note that this entire production was Canadian, including the cast and crew. Not once did I hear the colloquial "Eh". I hope that shatters your preconceived notions of Canadian life.

Monday: Sometimes you just can't trust your own brother....

Hell is Thaillywood

Oh My Ghosts!

   Ok, so um....first, it's a comedy from Thailand. Second, it's a sequel and I've not watched the first because I was misled by the titles. In hindsight, "Oh My Ghost" and Oh My GhostS" should have been an obvious clue, but I missed the details. It's also completely subtitled so get your 80's anime shoes on and get in some reading.

     Since I have no idea what happened in the first film, I'm going in blind and a little behind the curve. However, what appears to be going on is a strange ghost is haunting "middle aged women" in some sort of dorm. I'd like to mention that I say "middle Aged Women" because they're clearly men dressing in drag. They summon another ghost (that died on the toilet) to help rid them of the evil ghosts, but that makes an ever bigger mess. It's a very silly movie filled with slapstick, poop jokes, and a dance-off with the ghost.  However, I was never sure what the hell was going on but I just went with it.  It had some funny dialog and really would be a funnier movie if there was some half decent dubbing. Horror comedies are mostly hit or miss and this one would be in the hit category whereas Saturday the 14TH would be a massive miss.

     One thing that really bugged me about this film....there were so many clocks! There was an entire wall of them. Are they time-obsessed? Oh, I should also mention there was time travel in this film....

Sunday: One for all the squares out there....

I paid $3 for this DVD?!?

 Leprechaun Returns

     This film tries to erase ALL the other sequels (understandable) and takes plase 25 years after the first film with only Ozzie returning....because apparently Jennifer Aniston has better things to do. The original movie ended with Lep getting trapped in a well. 25 years later, a squad of sorority girls (academic, I'm sure) come to 'rebuild' the house and create a self sustaining farm off the grid. They've been told the water in the well is contaminated, despite testing clean by one of the sisters. Poor Ozzie thinks he hears voices in the well and looks down into it. Knowing how these movies go, he peers down into the well and has some water splash him in the face and I guess that's just how leprechauns procreate because soon Ozzie gives birth to Lep via eviseral stomach bursting. Now Lep is loose, and indiscriminately killing everyone he sees. Would someone just give this asshole his gold back?

     The rest is typical cat & mouse chase, along with a LOT of bad decisions. The only redeeming thing about this film is it does make fun of itself in that respect. But still....it's a Leprechaun movie and you're going to groan a lot. This was a made for TV production via SyFy TV and it reminds me of the early 90's horror films but with a little more light-hearted humor. Might wanna watch this one stoned.

Death by:

Stomach bursting

Head run over by mail truck while stuck in a mail box

Sliced in half by a solar panel

Sprinkler head impalement

Drone decapitation

One exploded Leprechaun.

Impaled on a 'Golden Trowl" award

Saturday: OMG!!! GHOSTS!!!

It begins with a Swing and a Miss!!!

 The Hug

WHY....WHY would you hug this?!?

     Let's start with something silly. Quite frankly animatronic bands in children's arcades have always creeped me out. Let's see how this pans out....

     It's little Aden's birthday party at Pandory's Pan Pizza Palace, and he want's to see Pandory...do animatronic stuff? There's only one of them so I guess there's no band. The manager says "no",  and the show will start later on. Aden's a spoiled brat so after distracting the manager, he picks his master key set and starts up Pandory for a private show. Pandory ask for a hug and Aden obliges. However, Pandory's mask falls off to reveal a hell-beast of some sort while attempting to crush Aden with that hug. The manager notices someone's missing and runs to the  stage to see what in the what is going on. After a awkward pause, poor Aden's hand comes bursting out of Pandory's mouth and...the credits roll. WTF? Yeah, by the way, it's a fucking 5 minute short, not a full feature. And I missed that very important detail.

     Sure, I have time to throw another film in but I'm just going to let this slide and start over tomorrow. It's not like I don't have 30 other films to watch

Friday: Legendary and dumb...