Priest Vs. Shark

 Noah's Shark

Nobody wins in this...NOBODY.

    Stupid jackass priest loses his gig as a TV exorcist and falls into a group of people raising money for an expedition to the resting place of Noah's Ark. Little did he, or any other completely sane person know that the Ark is protected by a demonic shark.

    Oh for fucks sake, Jeff Kirkendall...this fucking guy again. This ass-wipe has shown up in several kooky shark movies and it just pisses me off. 

The twat on the left. Why can't he be on fire?!?

    He takes it serious, but...he's fucking terrible! The supporting cast continually out-acts him in every scene. Find a goddamn day job! How does this chum-bucket keep getting cast in these movies? You look and sound like you should be working as a guidance counselor in a small midwestern junior high school. The only positive I can supply about his performance in this film is YES...he's really good at playing a creepy priest. 

    As always, I'm begging for the end credits as soon as the opening credits end. I'm pretty sure you can find something better to do for 72 minutes than watch this shit-show filmed on a gen-1 I-phone.

Saturday: Shark week comes to a close with.....

I still have heroes...

 Ghost Shark

    A redneck couple chartering a boat for a fishing tournament lose their prize catch to a shark. So, they do the logical thing and start shooting at it, and trying to bomb it. The shark escapes and makes its way to a <ahem> hidden cave with clearly supernatural markings on the wall. You can tell they're supernatural because they glow. Anyhoo, this gives the shark some super special powers and it returns as a ghost that just kills the fuck out of them. I like this shark already. BEHOLD YOUR NEW GOD!!!

    The next day, the boat owners daughter finds the boat drifting. As she investigates the likelihood that her daddy is dead, the newly crowned Ghost Shark starts killing indiscriminately. Not happy with the way the local law enforcement is handling it, the daughter starts her own investigation. However, it should be noted that she's not good at it.

    So about the shark itself: It's a ghost, it kills people, and wherever there's water, the shark is near by. From pools to puddles to plumbing, this bastard uses them all with extreme prejudice. My hero!

    My only complaint is the shark didn't kill enough people. I know I'm right because the movie was only boring when the shark wasn't on a kill spree.

Special guest:

Richard Moll!!!

Thursday: Sharks and Rednecks just don't mix...

M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I

Mississippi River Sharks

    An innocent riverboat excursion turned into a nightmare when a shark just invites itself on deck to murder people. Very rude but laughable because the CGI was from 1995. Up stream is a town on the eve of a fishing tournament hosted by a talking cowboy had. Talking cowboy hat has been warned about the riverboat incident and he quickly dismisses it because of how much money he has in it...and also river sharks are not a thing. And normally he'd be right, but the title of the movie disagrees so I guess some people are going to die.

    Look, it's a SyFy production, so you know it's going to be a cookie-cutter animal monster movie: Implausible animal-monster kills people, smart people warn dumb people, but business guy resists because he'll lose money and tries to cover the whole thing up. Animal monster eats business guy and smart people save the day with a techno Hail Mary "it just might work" trap. It's so standard, you can set your watch to it.

Friday: Bible-thumping shark time!!!

What the puppet fuck is this?

 Puppet Shark

Again, nothing as cool as this happened in the movie.
This poster is a lie.

    I'm not sure what demographic this was intended for, but regardless, it's clearly childish in nature.

    Uh...look. It's two puppet kids telling puppet shark stories. It's like an ultra-low budget Muppet Show production. But also remove the production because that is NOT what I would call this. It's NOT a horror film. It is only technically a shark film. But it's only 60 minutes, so I don't even want to call it that. In fact, I don't know what to call this at all. It's not funny, scary, or campy. And it's certainly not worth watching. Is it another movie mulligan? Probably. I can't find anything redeemable about this film. Who knew an hour could last sooo long?

Wednesday: Shark week hump day!

Spirit animals and dumber things...

 Ouija Shark 2

Nothing this cool ever happens in this movie.

    It's been so long, I don't remember how bad the first one was. I do, however, remember that it was BAD. And the intro is acting like I gave damns to remember the first one by giving us a re-cap. And for what? What was that recap supposed to prepare me for? The guy wandering around hell, fighting guys in gorilla suits with sunglasses? Bikini-clad women getting eaten by a shark, in hell, while a musical number is playing? Obviously not a movie to be taken seriously. The shark is a fucking stuff animal, FFS! Even worse, it fights a stuffed animal alligator in the final battle! 

    Green screen acting by people that have day jobs OR the finest greenscreen acting that volunteerism can buy. And it goes one for 80 minutes!

Tuesday: Nobody makes a realistic shark nowadays....

Think Santa, but with a dorsal fin...

 Santa Jaws

    So you're a teen who works in a comic shop. You also are drawing your own comic book about Santa Jaws. You're a talented artist but your high school principal doesn't agree because you put a satirical  illustration featuring your principal on social media. This results in a grounding. Meanwhile, you find an enchanted fountain pen and do more Santa Shark drawings. This, being a Christmas movie about sharks, means that is a wish, and by Christmas movie law, the wish is granted. The next day, your grand pappi springs you from grounded-to-bedroom prison so you can go fishing. Remember that shark wish that came true? It ate your G-pappi. OoOoOOOHhhhhh, you  are SOOO grounded forever now! The shark eats more people, and I fell asleep.

    When I woke, it was right in the middle of the final battle. Everyone in his family died by the shark, but the magic pen saved the day because he re-wrote the story. Or, it was a dream. It's a lame ambiguous ending, yet similar to Back To the Future. Am I disappointed? No, I did NOT have high expectations for this movie and yet again, that was the correct call. One down, six to go.

Monday: Board games and Sharks

Why try to reboot a sub-par franchise?

 Children of the Corn (2020)

It's just fucking corn!!! That's all it is!!! 

    I've lost track of how many times they've tried to reboot this. It was a creepy film in 1984, but not scary or gory. Just strange, nothing more. Yet, they kept pumping out sequel after sequel, reboots included. Who keeps giving them money? And why the fuck do I keep watching them?

    I'm going to be brief and brutal to the plot: Corn is haunted, and all the kids know it. Adults can't make money growing it, so they mow it down for government subsides. This angers haunted corn and kids, who kill adults and plan a sacrifice a young girl trying to save the corn. In the end, everyone dies, for which I'm very glad. Moving ON!!!

Sunday: That sound you hear is something fucking awesome coming....