It took a year to get here.....

...and I'm MORE than ready. I've often called Halloween my 'Christmas' because it's the one holiday I actually enjoy. It's not just the movies. It's also the atmosphere: Cool, dry weather, stores filling up with costumes and decorations, candy in 5lb BAGS, movies, little kids dressed up in cheap plastic masks and make-up, the leaves turning color, movies...Since we've been doing this every year for damn near a decade, I avoid horror movies during the regular year and keep a running list of what I want to see. And as always, I have a mix of bad, silly, classic, terrible, strange, and stupid films to wade through. There's also an entire franchise that I want to power through, since that's become somewhat of a tradition for me. So let's dig in with::::::


Deathgasm

Everything in this poster is right and good.

     This feature comes to us from New Zealand, where they clearly know how make a metal-headed horror movie. We meet our protagonist, Brodie, and his dick-headed friend Zakk, as they first meet, form a friendship (complete with blood pact), and form a band with a couple of Dungeons and Dragons nerds. While terrorizing the town, they decided to rob the house of an aging former band member of some long-forgotten death-metal band. One item they stole was sheet music for bringing about some lame-ass demon named Aeloth.  They decided to put the play the music, and all hell breaks loose and we have ourselves a Goddamn horror movie!!!

This was a great film to start the year off with. It was funny, gory, silly, and full of metal, the pacing is spot on. There was never a dull moment or slowdown during it's 86 minute entirety. And don't forget about the blood. Lots and lots of spraying blood. Seems as though they took a page out of the Japanese film making book and ran with it. Here's proof:

Notice that he already vomited blood on her once...why didn't she move after that?

There's also an entire fight scene involving dildos and anal beads the size of golf balls

Sadly, the anal beads were far more effective

My only complaint about the film is this one scene summed up by a single picture. Please observe:

This never happens to a metal head. It. Just. Doesn't.


Regardless, on to Sunday Funday: He wanted to disconnect himself....

An Amusement Park full of Monsters? What Could Go Wrong?

Monsterland
2016

I know we normally only review film (and TV) here but I got this book free in exchange for a review and it reads like an action-horror flick. Kind of reminded me of Jurassic Park meets Killer Klowns From Outer Space with a pinch of Underworld. It's only about 200 pages; I read in like three days. It opens with a beautifully descriptive piece reminiscent of “Of Mice and Men”, the serenity invoking melancholy because you know it probably won't end well. There are a host of characters but the main ones are Wyatt and his friends and stepfather:

Wyatt is decent kid who life has taken a dump on in the form of his parent's divorce and their subsequent meager living. He's in puppy love with a girl who's out of his league, and friends with the local geek squad, Melvin and Howard. Melvin probably ate lead paint as a kid and is socially inept. Later you find out he has some unique family damage. Howard is your classic pocket-protector nerd (complete with glasses) who could be getting some hot interracial action from a domineering cheerleader who has is bad for him. Of course, he hasn't a clue what to do with that.

Wyatt's stepfather, Carter, is an average Joe, just trying to do the right thing by his instant family. Unfortunately, he gets drafted to work security for the story's Big Bad, Dr. Vincent Conrad. Conrad's depiction reminded me of a slightly less wiling Vaudevillian Vincent Price in A Comedy of Terrors. Conrad is the force behind the titular Monsterland, a place originally conceived as a containment and research facility for zombie plague victims - excuse me - the "vitality challenged." Basically he decides, "why not exploit a few other disenfranchised populations if you can, right?" and werewolves and vampires are added to the mix.

An act of compassion earns Wyatt a magic ticket that becomes the catalyst for revolt, personal growth, and of course monster mayhem. The stuff hits the fan pretty quickly once everyone is at Monsterland…and it hits hard and fast.

Pros:
Author Cash provides a believable back-story and attempts to humanize the “monsters” – especially the werewolves (my favorite), for which I am grateful. Whether monster or human, Cash's characters are mostly just trying to get by, hold on to what they have, or expand their resources. Once you’re invested in the characters, the plot unfolds like an action horror movie.

Cons:
I would’ve liked some scenes to have been expanded more (like the lagoon scenario with the dignitaries), and I was expecting something more sinister from the villain. I felt like you were set up to get more out of some of the characters but were denied. Also, sometimes it was difficult to tell who was delivering the dialogue,.

Overall:
All in all it was a very entertaining read and I’d recommend it. I'm actually going to reread it. I hope the author works on a sequel - or script. 4/5 stars.


In case you missed it the first time, disclaimer: I received this item either free or discounted in exchange for an honest and unbiased review.

Not Seattle's Finest

Roboshark
2015

(My entries are late this year. I watched them on time but have been both very sick and deferring to coursework. Please accept them now. Thanks.)

I demand these two hours of my life back.

Technically this was classified a Scifi movie because people think anything mentioning the word "alien" should be. This is too bad to label as anything other than low budget.

The story opens with an alien probe falling into the ocean, where it's eaten by a Great White and morphs into the titular beastie. It's hardly terrifying and quite dorky looking. However, we have to give sharks a bad name along with aliens, so it starts eating everything in sight. After a video of it attacking a biplane goes viral, Roboshark finds its way into the water and sewer lines, allowing it to wreak havoc ashore. This is where the human component comes in.

I can't even remember these peoples names...and not because I watched is so many weeks ago. It was that bad. I'm not even going to waste my time looking them up. The human portion of the story revolves around Roboshark's version of April O'Neil and her family. The mother is a "serious anchorwoman" wannabe married to a water and sewer department manager (?), and they have a teenager phone-addicted daughter. Once Roboshark becomes a reality to the populace, the mother, daughter and a news crew begin tracking the thing all over Seattle. Meanwhile the father is at work, under military (in this case, the Navy) supervision.

I get that it's a shark but I question bringing in the Navy considering all the damage was being done inland - they were seriously outmatched. Before long, the decision is made to bring in "someone with real power"...and we get Bill Glates.

Seriously.

The bespectacled billionaire and his bevy of Girl Fridays bring a drone to - I have know idea - pick up Roboshark's frequency and talk to it? I don't think I need to tell you how it ended. Several screams and a swim through an exploding poop tank later, the shark-hound gang find a way to track the shark using cellphone GPS and follow it in earnest. In the midst of this are a series of text messages that you are actually expected to read. Usually, a camera will zoom in on the phone screen whenever an audience is supposed to perform this feat. These geniuses decided to put the text in a pastel box that ran across the film. I guess no one tested how that would look on different viewing devices. Let's face it: this flick will mostly get watched outside of a theater, where this method rendered the text illegible while streaming to a TV. And it gets worse...

About 40 minutes into this dren, the film becomes an unbearable social media commercial. You are expected to read literally dozens of Youtube and Twitter comments, as well as keep up with news crew's expanding coverage views and followers. When Roboshark itself started following the daughter on Twitter I was done. By the way, this took place in a segment where they attempt to showcase the power of social media/technology by tweeting, texting or otherwise cyber-notifying people to vacate the area of a high school pool where the shark was set to invade. People still got eaten. Points denied.

After this I watched the movie in fast forward. The shark met it's end via the Space Needle. However, there may be a Robochihuahua sequel.

“The Undisputed Plasticweight Champion Of The World”

Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys

     Just when you thought a franchise couldn't get any worse, I find this turd lingering on the internet. I had my choice of 2 movies starring (heh) Corey Feldman. I chose this time filler to round out my masochistic need to witness all the Puppet Master movies. The other will have to wait till next year. But here's a teaser: It was so bad, someone had to leak it to Youtube....and it's still there....

But until then:

     We meet the great grandNEPHEW of Andre Toulon, creator of the puppets, played by Mr. Feldman. And much like his lineage dictates, he's bat-shit crazy and REALLY into puppets. I've always found it odd that the puppet masters never create themselves a girlfriend. Anyhoo, while the current Toulon is tinkering in his home lab with the new old puppets, we learn that he's being spied on by the purveyors of an evil corporate toy company hell bent on taking over the world...with toys. HIS toys, to be accurate. Through that, we're introduced to the Demonic Toys and their demon worshiping master, Erica Sharpe. Her plan is to take over the world at midnight, Christmas Day, by triggering all the dormant toys to do her bidding...which happens to be killing every living thing. So we've got a really really strong plot here.

     I'm pretty sure when they write these scripts, they assume nobody is dumb enough to watch ALL of the PM movies, so they never worry about continuity. The proof is when they give a surprisingly decent origin story (yes, I think that makes 4 as of this film) of the soul-possessed tree the wooden puppets were carved from. But trust me, that is the ONLY thing you'll find inspiring about this festering pile of dreck. It's well known that I've picked apart this series, damn near to the bone, so there's no need to repeat myself since all the usual crappiness is still there. But the one thing, the ONE THING that drives me batty about this entire film is Cory Fucking Feldman and his attempt to muster a low toned, gravely voice. Stop embarrassing yourself, son. You don't have the range!

     And that is THAT! 31 movies, 31 days, 31 facepalms. For as many times as I groaned or thrown my hand in the air and said "WTF are you doing!?!", I can assure you there was a smile hiding behind it. It's a 31 film grind that you have to juggle into your daily routine and we've been doing it since 2008. It's not always easy, and sometimes it's work. But it's always worth it in the end. And I've already started on next year's list....

'Till then, over finished done gone out.

See ya!

This could have been named anything....

Leprechaun: Origins

    This movie makes me happy. Happy because it's the last damn Leprechaun movie in the franchise.....for now.

     4 hiking tourist decide to head to some crappy little villa in Ireland and the residents warm up to them right away. Two of the towns people offer them a place to stay for the night and the hikers agree. The joy is fleeting, however, as once they're dropped off it becomes clear something is trying to eat them...

...this is because something IS trying to eat them. It turns out the villagers are assholes that stole gold from our little Gollum-like leprechaun and now use wandering twat-waffles' like these hikers as sacrifice to keep the little bugger at bay.

     Ug...a WWE funded movie? And Hornswoggle for fuck sake?...Actually, this is a very good thing. For once, the entire franchise is put on its heels by making an ACTUAL horror movie and not some dopey one-liner filled turd with endless sequels. Though it's your standard 'monster chase' fare, it's still a step in the right direction to freshen this turd up. And as much as I like Warwick Davis, I'm tired of seeing him in heels spouting shitty rhymes and cheesy puns. Sadly, I doubt this trend will continue with the franchise as Lep is really more beastly, and less evil. Just being a blood thirsty animal is not the same thing as a truly evil entity. That unfortunately makes this just another mindless monster movie. But hey, you get an 'A' for effort!

Saturday: One last film, one last taste of hell...

A slightly less smelly turd is still a turd...

Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha 'Hood

So this is a sequel to a sequel?

     Ug...read yesterday's post about the first 'Hood movie and try to imagine that movie with higher quality film and lighting. That's about the only difference. Oh sure, the story is different, but tons more weed and bong references, Warwick Davis working for beer money, and no Ice T or Coolio.

Let's just call this a mulligan and move on to Friday.

Friday: The end of a road I started down last year....

Stupid sequel compulsion....

Leprechaun: In The Hood

Leprechaun: In The Hood

     Time to finish what I started last year, but with no fucking help from Netflix. In the past, I had a collection of downloaded films, as well as .99¢ bin cheapies to pull from. I've avoided streaming because I could never count on Netflix or Hulu to keep the same movies as I made my calendar out months in advance and I was trying to avoid what happened this year. I made my list in September, less than a month before Oct. 1^st, and thought I wouldn't any or few hiccups. But Netflix removed 4 films at the start of October. All 4 were horror films. So removing horror movies before the OFFICIAL month of horror begins has got to be the work of a fucking retard. So instead I had to scramble and find some shady website to stream from. God only knows what malware got loaded on my machine. Next year, I'll make sure I have hard copies. Now that I've got my rant out of the way...

     Somehow, Lep ends up in Compton in 'totem mode' and Ice T manages to wake him up, then capture/refreeze him with the Necklace Of Holy Leprechaun Freezing and takes his gold. Years later, Ice T is a mogul using Lep's gold and flute to stay rich and run a record production company. 3 dunder-headed hip-hop hopefuls get their chance to have T produce for them, but they end up robbing and stealing his shit. During the heist, they free Lep and the game is on.

Highlights include

*Ice T

*Cameo by Coolio

*Bud smoking Leprechaun

*A Tiger Woods reference made by leprechaun that's been frozen since before Tiger was born so there's *no way he's have any idea who that is....

*There's a lot more cross-dressing than I expected

Right before the credits roll, we're treated to Lep doing a rap....just in case you wanted to dislike this movie just a little more....

Thursday: He upgraded to a bong...