Fin

Killer Tomatoes Eat France

     Oh, c'mon! It's a movie about sentient tomatoes and Gomez Adams trying to take over the world. It's the 4^th goofy movie in the slapstick Killer Tomatoes franchise that once starred George Clooney and several appearances by John Austin. There's nothing more I can add to make this more appealing. I wanted something light and fun to end this year, and this is my pick.

     And that's my last film for this year. What a mess! The films were either dull as hell or over the top murder bombs. Japan week was completely insane, Leprechaun was as dumb as I expected, and I hope to never see another 'found footage' film for the rest of my life. And as always, I'm burnt out on movies, so I'm going to find a damn book or something....

Mechs Again

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II
1993


Almsot forgot about this one. I took we like two weeks to finish watching this. Between classes and the tiny white lettering of the subtitles on Crackle (and their inane commercials) I could never get through the whole thing in one sitting.

Basically, there's a new Godzilla and this version of Mechagodzilla is a bio-robotic creation made to dispense him. How do they know it's a new Godzilla? Because they have a big tank with the skeletal remains of the old one that they've been storing since 1949(?).

I love Godzilla movies but there really isn't a lot to say about them. He's a big lizard and he loves to put the smack down on Japan. You'd think they'd just build a big shrine and leave him a couple tons of rice balls and those altar biscuits. 

Secret Sword Techniques and an Appearance of Claws

Blade (Anime)
2011


Okay so we all know Blade's deal: Eric is a Daywalker, having been born from a woman who was bitten while pregnant. In this version of the tale Eric is raised by his mother's prostitute roommies after her apparent death. Wait...so Blade is a trick baby? Nice.

The other half of Blade's deal is that he's always on the hunt for Deacon Frost, the man who killed his mother and turned him into a blood-fiend. Deacon is a scheming madman here whose backstory is that he actual gave himself vampirism to get back at vamps for the death of his son. I know...and it didn't make sense to anyone in the series either.

Anywho in typical Anime fashion, this serves up stylistic kills, and ridiculous monstrosities. I mean there were a pair of werelion twins, who I think may have also been vampires. I'm not kidding. There were vampire cats galore, and because this takes place mostly in Southeast Asia, there were a ton of disgusting amalgams between vampires and native folkloric creatures. My personal fave was the one that split in half, so only the top have went hunting. Even one of the characters uttered an "Ew."

Oh, and Wolverine made a guest appearance.

 This series had 12 episodes so I am counting it was three movie choices. I think I am at like 16 now. Obviously I'm not going to make it to 31 but it was a valiant effort with the stress of everything that's been going on.

Toodles until next year.

Every Dog Has Its Day

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

I really have a lot to say about this movie but I'm thinking of revisiting that whole series for some analyses later. I can say this though: having watched this out of order, Underworld: Awakening seems even more of a disappointment.

The basics are that this is the story of Lucian - leader of the Lycan Horde - and how he came to be by Viktor's side...and eventually betray him. Viktor was a total bastard. If you didn't like him in the first movie , you'll really hate him this time around.

I loved the movie but I thought that some things could have been better. First, I disagree with how Kevin Grevioux's character came to be a Lycan.Second, slightly more could have been said about Wilhelm, the White Wolf. If this was your intro into Underworld, you'd have no idea who they were talking about. Also, despite Underworld: Evolution's foray into the past of both Markus and his brother, a lot about Wilhelm is left to conjecture. In this movie, though, it is at least hinted at that the Lycans born of Wilhelm's bite weren't just mindless animals. They had community, were clever enough to set traps (or at least utilize available means), and they recognized authority - or rather they chose an authority. Mindless beasts don't do that. despite what people like to think about the animal kingdom, there's a fare amount of order that does not speak to mindlessness. I would have preferred to understand how the early Lycans evolved or was that half of the species hunted to extinction?

Did I Just See Godzilla Dance?

The Terror of Mechagodzilla
1975


This movie opens with a six minute introduction featuring Godzilla doing a victory dance after stomping Ghidorah. The gist is that aliens are back on earth and up to no good with their creation, Mechagodzilla.

Mechagodzilla gets his binaries handed to him in the first ten minutes and is tossed into the sea. A research sub goes looking for him but is destroyed by a sea-faring dinosaur. Said dinosaur is under the control of a disgraced scientist, his cyborg daughter, and the aliens that made Mechs.

This was an English dub...so it kind of sucked. You do get to see Titanosaurus chest bump some planes out of existence and Godzilla sumo-up for some wreckage. Other than that, it's the usual stomping, screaming and collateral damage.

Apollo Creedence Clearwater Revival

Apollo 18

Damn it, another 'found footage' creep fest.

     This one starts out with super secret talk about Apollo 18, a moon mission 'that never happened'. And they're right, it never happened. You can't hide a Saturn V launch, let alone the building process. But this is movie-land and it's shoved in our faces with the assumption that we're dumb and won't do any sort of deductive reasoning.

     Anyway, two space yokels reach the moon, and discover * gasp !* the Commies have put a Cosmonaut up there as well....but with terrible results. The Rusky is dead and noooobody had said anything about it, despite totally knowing about it. Then the creepiness starts and we're treated to the usual spooooky moving rocks, communications cut, items disappearing, and everyone being pigeon-holed. And through this, we get a small and fleeting glance at the enemy: Space Spiders. Really? Are you fucking.....that was the best you could do?!? SPACE SPIDERS?!? Oh, let me clarify that....SPACE SPIDERS THAT HIDE IN, OR ARE, SPACE ROCKS.

Eh...Walter Koenig once humped a 14,000 space MILF.

     So now that we have that hammered out, it becomes dumb and in the end, everyone dies. And really, I'm fine with that. Up until the space spiders, it was a decent movie. That stupid little plot turd ruined it for me, but I can't fully say “don't watch this” because it's pretty decent. The pacing is near perfect, the acting is good, the F/X are 85% believable, and the only real complaint I have is with the sound. They stuffed EVERY creepy little noise that suggested slithering, creeping, and skittering into the background. Some of it helped the atmosphere, but it was just a bit overdone. Actually, it was a LOT overdone. 

OK, my last film for 2014 is......

Which Witch is Which?

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
2013


Well you already know the Hansel and Gretel backstory - two kids get abandoned in the woods and stumble upon a candy cottage run by a cannibal witch. This takes place while they are adults. After rescuing themselves from the clutches of the witch (and developing diabetes), H & G go on to become slayers-for-hire (think The Brothers Grimm, 2005, only minus the charlatanism).

They roll into a town that has been missing children and stay an execution. The woman they save develops the hots for Hansel, whom she successfully mounts before the shit really hits the fan.

I've watched this a few times, not because it's good but because it's an action-horror crossover and I seem to like those. They don't even attempt to be historically accurate (or as accurate as you can be in a supernatural film). H & G f-bomb and can big rudimentary guns. There's some pretty good splatter, but I realize that's not what makes this film interesting to me.

Hansel & Gretel contains a rather interesting power dynamic with respect to women. You have your good witches and your bad witches - all of whom die - and then you have you're potential witch, whose inability to access her power keeps her alive. Specifically, she lives by relying on the power of men, whether it's a rescue or a weapon. The message translated is that female power is dangerous.