"You got your shark in my octopus!" "No, you got your octopus in my shark!"

Sharktopus!!!

     This is what stock footage was made for! The Navy has made themselves a genetically modified shark/octopus hybrid because Jello. Sure, they can graft sharks and octopi together, but clearly cancer is of no concern. Anyhoo, the control unit that keeps Sharktopus under control has been sheared off and we have ourselves a cheesy monster movie!

     Sharktopus is a murder machine, preferring only humans, I guess. In an ocean full of tuna, lobster, and shrimp meat, this thing just hangs around the shore and stalks really dumb beach-combing white people. And since this is a beach movie, that means lots of giraffe-necked tarts in bikinis worn indiscriminately everywhere they go. At one point, it even goes for a stroll on the beach. Did I mention it could walk? Also, I think it might have eaten a Volkswagen. The good news is, most everyone that is turned into a red blur on the oceans surface had it coming.

     Throughout the movie, it's the usual fare of tracking, murder, hits and misses. And naturally at the end, we have the Hail Mary pass of pseudo science that saves the day. But trust me, you'll be rooting for Sharktopus, aka the shark with a tentacle skirt, after the first scene. This is a great Saturday afternoon 'don't feel like getting off the couch' kind of movie.

Cast Highlights:

Eric Roberts.....heh...heheh..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! OK, look. This isn't his best work, and he knows it. Clearly, this is a paycheck to him and that's about the level of acting you can expect. But kudos to him for being such a good sport. Also? He's cast in the 3^rd and final Human Centipede. Awesome.

Roger Corman even makes a cameo...as a leering beach pervert. Fitting.

Sunday! 3/9, just sayin....

Obligatory Creature Feature 2013

Ghidorah
(1964)


A meteor crashes to earth and shortly after, a strange magnetic force causes it to acquire mass and throb. Elsewhere, an assassination attempt is made on a princess visiting from some distant province, allowing the soul of a long dead Martian to take over her body.

The Martian princess pops up around Japan prophesying calamities, such as the rising of Rodan and the coming of Godzilla, and of a new monster, Ghidorah.

Godzilla and Rodan duke it out, causing a considerable amount of panic and destruction. However, the titular character comes late to his own party. He makes a grand entrance though, all fiery and two heads short of Tiamat. People are terrified and rightly, so.

Meanwhile, there are some side stories that are really too boring to discuss. One involves the twin fairies from Infant Island, who get the new Mothra to come have a talk with Godzilla and Rodan. Seriously, the giant caterpillar tries to get Rodan and Godzilla to fight Ghidorah on behalf of humanity. They say no. Emphatically. However, they do come to the rescue when Mothra (unsuccessfully) tries to go it alone.

Rodan (who sounds like a Boeing 747 in flight), Godzilla and Mothra triple team Ghidorah and send him limping (well, flying) off with both tails between his legs. The Princess recovers. The fairies go home. The end.

This movie was so boring it took me around 4 nights to watch. Really, the last 15 minutes were all that was worth seeing - even a few of those could've been trimmed. Some of the fight scenes were comical - like Godzilla getting blasted in the butt and the privates (does he even have privates?) - but that was it.

Nephilim...they just grow up so fast.

The Prophecy 3: The Ascent
(2000)


The son of a Hispanic human woman and an Asian-looking angel grows up to be a White kid with religion issues. I'll let you ponder that a moment.

Perplexing? How about this one: only about two years have passed since his birth, but the kid is like 18. 

Anyway, the action starts after everyone's favorite Angel of Death-turned-homless horn-player, Gabriel shows up. Well, maybe he's not so homeless anymore since he drives into the scene, which is a makeshift church. A bunch of lost souls are being ministered to by Danyael (Dave Buzzotta), who is then gunned down by some suspicious looking blind guy with incredibly good aim.

Jump ahead to a scene where Gabriel tries to tell the presiding detective that he's 39. Zophael Jones, an angel of questionable allegiance shows up at the precinct to insure Danyael doesn't rise. Jones know how to fake and FBI badge but doesn't know what a door buzzer is. He has a run-in with Gabriel, whom he chastises for being human and offers to change. Gabe declines, saying, "I used to be the Angel of Death. Now I die everyday when I have the cash." No, he's not talking about heroin.

Zophael eventually catches up with Danyael in a doughnut shop. There's a funny scene where he threatens the clerk when he tries to extort money:

Zophael: You answer my question, or I'll personally see to it that you spend the next millennium chained to a damp wall, wondering just what that is that's been winding its way up through your bowels for the last 750 years.

Clerk: Cool.

 Yeah, sorry bro, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.

So a chase ensues, a girlfriend gets nabbed, and Gabriel tails them, helping out when he can. Danyael defeats Jones and a new player, Pyriel, Angel of Genocide. Angel of Death. Angel of Genocide. Where is the Angel of Spreading Love and Joy? Personally, they can keep heaven if it's filled with those guys.

I give this a 8. Danyael's girlfriend was annoying and Zophael's game was paper thin for one supposedly known for being duplicitous. Also, Gabriel's reconciliation with God should have been less subtle. I mean the guy spent at least 3/4 of the time we've known him, killing people. Then he gets turned mortal as punishment, discovers the trumpet and pussy and now - pouf - he's just absolved. that could have went better.

Next up: two monster movies I need to finish

"My enemy's friend is my enemy."

The Prophecy 2
(1998)

On her way to work, a nurse nails a guy who just seems to fall from the sky.

Det. Thomas Daggett, plagued by visions since the incident four years ago, has joined a monastic order and is in his cell, screaming about the coming of some terrible thing.

In a deserted parking lot, Lucifer expells Gabriel from hell, saying that it's not big enough for the both of them. I wonder how the person whose car is now partially submerged into the once molten ground is going to explain that to their insurance company.

Meanwhile, Nurse Valerie (Jennifer Beals) is taken with Danyael, the guy she nailed with her car. After seeing him entertaining some kids in the children's ward, she lets him walk her home (even though she drives to work and doesn't seem to live close by). He puts the moves on her and after some passionate naked caressing, asks if she "accepts him." Personally, I think that's kind of creepy, but she consents and the penetration starts. Almost seems like he put her in a semi-crucified position, which is even kinkier than just banging an angel. Danyael is played by Russell Wong, by the way. He could crucify me any day.

Mr. Wong

Anywho, it seems Danyael has been put to the task of inseminating a human woman, by Archangel Micheal, in order to produce a nephilim (a half human/half angelic being). The angels who are still loyal to God want to use the nephilim to unite the kingdom of heaven and end the war. The opposing party thinks the nephilim are an abomination; recalling that God ordered them all destroyed in the first days of man. Gabriel is down with the latter. He goes on the hunt for Valerie but has some computer problems, sparking one of the film's most memorable lines uttered by Izzy, a recently acquired suicide victim.

This might be the best Brittany Murphy has ever looked.

Gabriel uses his new tech support/chauffeur to track down and corner Valerie, but she gets away with a little help. In one scene, he asks Izzy to try an avoid hitting a dog. Mind you, he's been killing folks since the first installation, but apparently he's an animal lover - as long as they aren't the human kind. PETA would be proud.

Fast forward to the end.

Valerie seeks shelter in Eden - an industrial wasteland of sorts - with Danyael and a host of other angels, including Michael. Considering that the nephilim is to be their ace-in-the-hole, the angels seem somewhat disinterested and lackadaisical about protecting its vessel. Lucky for Valerie, faith sustains her. In the end, Gabriel pays the ultimate price and we meet him later as a homeless, human horn-player (huh?). The movie ends with him stating that, "...one day the phone gonna ring and everything will be like it was." Or something like that.

Points of Interest:
Glenn Danzig is in this movie and, in the opening credits, gets top billing over seasoned actor, Eric Roberts. I hope this was just about "D" coming before "R" in the alphabet. Danzig had like one line, then got his heart ripped out by Wong, while Roberts played Michael, a considerably more notable character.

Gabriel (Walken) and Samayel (Danzig)

I love how Gabriel always sounds like a Brooklyn mobster.

Verdict: Great installation to the franchise.

10

The creepy little bastards are back....

Puppet Master 2

     Somehow, some way, we find those stupid puppets in a graveyard digging up Toulon's rotting corpse. They throw some magi-potion on the former home of Mr. Toulons' soul, and he's back on his feet. We've got ourselves a sequel!

     Like most movies of this fare, I've had a theory that they really exist only to (A) make money, and (B), introduce some new characters from the F/X department. As an example, we have 3 new pups named Torch, Mephisto, and Djinn. Mephisto and Djinn are only used in a flashback, but Torch is for real. And he's a real prick. This works in the same vain that the Hellraiser movies would introduce new Cenobites (albeit only for a few movies), or Kruger found new ways to off his victims in the dream world.

Evil Little Prick. Also, his Nazi helmet looks like a dick.

     As for the rest of the story, Tulon's re-animated corpse thinks that his late wife has been re-incarnated and spends the rest of the movie sending his bastard puppets out to murder the fuck out of anyone that breaths in her direction...or or anyone that breaths at all! And murder they do, with stabbing, beating, and the new favorite, BURNING. The cast looks mostly like a group of future victims of Jason Vorhees, and you start to wish he'd make an appearance. So Toulon commences to put himself into a new body and tries to make his 'wife' do the same. Here's the fucked up part is...this REALLY pissed off the puppets and they turn on him, brutally hacking him to pieces. I guess they don't mind murdering, but if they feel they've been used, then look the hell out. And the final scene? While the puppets were killing Toulon, they steal the magi-potion and later use it on another copse (that they created, I might add). And right before the credits, the cliff-hanger hook, she's seen driving down the road in a VW mini-bus, puppets in tow, looking just like one of them. I can't explain it very well and you must see it to believe it (sorry, couldn't find on youtube). It's one of the creepiest scenes I've seen in quite some time <shudder>

Saturday: No 'Zilla this year, but here's his retarded distant cousin....

Another Nightmare Before Christmas

Saint (or Saint Nick if you're American)
2010

This movie was a hard to pass turd!

1492, December 5 - A murderous Spanish cleric named Niklas rides into town on a greyish white horse, with his Black Pete henchman, who loot, kill, kidnap, and post demands; sliding down chimneys and kicking in doors. The posted demands are the last straw. The villagers mobilize and take out the Petes, then turn Nicky's boat to ash. Unfortunately, he was still on it. His "I'm burning" dance was kind of comical.

1968, December 5 - Some wholesome family of five is getting ready for St. Niklas day dinner when the father hears the pigs are astir. Oldest Son goes to check while Younger Brother and Little Sister hang out by the fireplace (you can see where this is going). Whilst Oldest is in the barn, the camera pans the jelly cabinet (no lie) and a pair of eyes in a burn-scarred face fly open. Next thing you know Younger Bro is snatched up the chimney and Little Sis becomes a geyser behind the couch. Dad goes to investigate and well...Oldest exits the barn and thinks he sees something scurrying about the roof. Suddenly, St, Nick is atop the tiles on a rearing horse. Seriously. When he's regained his anal retention, Oldest makes it to the house. The inside looks like...what you'd expect when some creepy 500yr old dead guy and his stooges pay you a visit.
 
Present Day, December 5 - Lame poetry by high schoolers (or were they college students?) and vague references to ominous visits every 32 yrs. This movie just plain sucked. I mean I couldn't tell if it was a bad dub or just terrible acting...and I mostly didn't care. For one thing, they couldn't seem to keep their myth straight. When does the evil St Nick come? Because I can add and 1968 + 32 does not equal 2010. In fact, a 32yr cycle starting from 1492 would not account for visitations in 1968 or 2010. The fact that I even care about this tells you how abysmal this movie really was. Anywho, they finally settled on visitations occurring anytime the full moon falls on December 5th, which brings up another point: how many people just randomly know or can calculate that in their head? Well the male lead can. I'm guessing he had all the time in the world to pull out his charts (or google it on his iPhone) while he was running for his life. Oh wait, he actually spent a good deal of the movie in handcuffs. Maybe he's just that smart...but not smart enough to know blowing up a boat (likely full of children) when the villains AREN'T EVEN ON IT isn't the best idea.

You got to see him kill maybe 5 of the 300+ he supposedly offed.

And if another persons asks, "Do you smell something burning?" I'm going to scream. It's not funny, it was never funny, and the twentieth time it was asked, I really wished something was: this piece of celluloid trash.

In the end, Niklas takes up residence in the local cathedral's belfry. I hope he razes the place. His ride across the rooftops was the best part of this whole damn film. And his staff was badass.

Everyone's allowed a Mulligan, now and then...

I, Monster

Yeah, not the one you thought, was it?

     Oh dear gawwwd, 75 minutes of Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing doing NOTHING. Nothing, but talking, being lame stuffy British bores during the Victorian era. Seriously, 75 minutes went by, I watched the whole thing, and I still have no idea what that turd was all about. Supposedly inspired by Stevenson's Jekyll and Hyde novel, and despite that fact, I was still bored to tears. According to Wiki, they were going to film it for 3D, but I can't understand why? There's no action, just a bunch of benign banter and then mercifully, the credits begin to roll. Made in 1971, I would consider this the malaise era of horror films. Sure, they're in color, but it's terrible. Sure, there's a story, but it's equally terrible. There are few films in that time period that I would consider good, and so many more like this example. There's no setting I can think of that would make this movie worth watching. No amount of alcohol, not even if they added boobs. This is a film that is thrown in as filler in those multi-feature DVD collections you find in discount stores. They take up space and they give the marketing department one more movie to add to the list. What a pointless movie...

     This is making the Puppet Master films look soooo much better.

Friday: Speaking of Puppets.....