Camp Midian

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Apprentice
2009


This movie was just weird. There was just something seriously off about it. I don't know if it was how nonchalant they were about how it starts - every parents' nightmare: the death of a child - or the odd synchronicity of the events. There's just something offbeat about it. Also, it has the ugliest wolfman I've ever set eyes upon.

Anyway, Darren Shan is popular nerd (I'll give you time to process that)...who ends up semi-dead thanks to the psychotic aspirations of his asshole friend, Steve. Isn't there another more like this? It's kind of like Nightbreed-lite. Thanks to Steve, Darren also finds himself embroiled in a war between the Vampires and the Vampaneze (it sounds stupid every time I say it, too). Apparently, Vampires of uptight staunchy fellows who mostly abide by the rules, and Vampaneze and the wild, bloodthirsty killers that give them a bad name. Oh, and there's some obese guy named Mr. Tiny. He's a real weirdo.

This is basically an intro movie. It's not bad. I'd watch it again.

Madam Octa, whom I also found mesmerizingly beautiful.

The Lady of the Lake...and her Sister?

Merlin and the War of the Dragons
2008

Trust me: it wasn't nearly this bad ass!

This was actually fairly decent and would have been enjoyed were it not for the spotty sound.

Merlin is one of two apprentices to a wizard, who saved him from certain death as an infant...or so it would seem. The other guy, whose name escapes me, wants all the spells out of some old book. He convinces Merlin to go along with a plan that backfires, revealing Merlin's secret parentage. After that allegiance goes south, Merlin finds himself helping a beleaguered king battle dragons (who also have a secret). There are also some creepy wet chicks - ladies of the lake, who manage to keep their clothes dry while the rest of them looks damp. Coincidentally this movie also starts on the "After the fall of Rome, blah blah blah...enter the dragons" note. I give up!

A Rat, A Cat and A Sorceress

The Sorcerer's Apprentice
2002


This wasn't a bad movie but it was very much a kid's movie.

Ben, whose museum curator father is kind of a chubby with no time for him, befriends the curmudgeonly neighbor next door - who happens to be Merlin. There's a precursory tale in which a medieval dude in a bad wig touches a gnarly staff capped with some evil bling and becomes bonded to it. Apparently he's drawn to it across all time and now he happens to be this kid. He and the bling are being chased by Morgana Lefay (Kelly LeBrock), wearing her finest lingerie and accompanied by a rat and a cat, in the form of men. Don't ask.

I'm afraid you can't do that, George.

The Magic Sword
1962


As you know, the idea of doing an impromptu Fantasy February came after I mistaken thought that I had scored a DVD set of 13 movies from a Walmart bin (turned out to be 8 movies, 13 hours). I never expected them to be good and I was mostly not disappointed in this. Despite the cover art, most were from the 60s, 70s, late 90s and were made for families (if not children). The sound quality was best described as intermittent. I have learned my lesson.

*

George does in this guy, who's clearly a prisoner, too. Wicked honorable.

Man-child George (Gary Lockwood) steals his 21st birthday gifts a whole year early, locking his sorceress foster mother in a secret lair while he traipses off to rescue a princess he's been spying on. Said princess has been captured by a evil sorcerer in a plot concocted by a knight in her father's court, who has an eye out for her and the throne. That's kind of the usual for these stories. What's cringe-worthy is how George is in "love" with someone he doesn't know, that he's been watching everyday through a magic Looking Pool. Watching her while she's swimming naked in her private pond (?). Because that's not creepy or anything. Anywho, he and his birthday presents rescue her before she's eaten by the Baddie's big two-headed Chinese parade float dragon. Yea, George!

Moving on...

Let Go My Dragon Eggo!

Dragonheart 3: The Sorcerer's Curse
2015

"A Brit, a Celt and a Druid all approach a wall..."

I love how every one of these middle ages movies starts with, "hundreds of years ago the Romans..." (or close enough) and then some kind of coup between the Picts, the Celts and the Britons. Well, at least it didn't suck. I didn't have time to order the other two (much better) films, so I watched this by itself. I'm not going to bother with  lengthy review because the films all follow a basic model: some knight or cleric finds and befriends dragon who either becomes bonded with him or some bad guy. This film actually combined those factors by cursing the dragon who bonds with a knight. Ta-da!

Sadly, I really don't have much to say about this one except that it was nice to see a dragon not be the bad guy. Drago was kind of cool looking, if a little too clean for a big lizard that just crashed landed. I'm looking forward to the launch of Dragons of Pern, which should also be some bad-ass (but in a good way) dragons.

A couple of annoying things:

What? Dragons are from space now? Yeah, let's totally not explain that one.
DON'T hire Drago to guard your children. He has no problem sacrificing them.
Druids have always been personified as a very masculine order. Why would one worship the moon, a traditionally feminine deity? Also, the guy's scarification was kind of bad-ass, but it also looked like really giant ringworm. I'm just saying...

So...There's No Time Portal?

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
2007

Ray Liotta was just ridiculous in this movie.

If you can tell, I've been posting these movies kind of randomly. I watched a bunch during all the snow days we had here, but I've been too busy to write about them. There are like five that I need to post, so without further ado...

Truthfully, I watched this film because I wanted to know what the deal was with the time portals. Imagine my surprise when they weren't even in the first film. I'm going to cut across the grain, though, and say that I actually enjoyed the first half of it. That soundtrack, though! Every time any character was having a moment, the freaking music would come on full blast like someone was testing a stereo at Best Buy. Jason Statham was already mumbling half his lines - the soundtrack made it impossible to watch without subtitles. Still it wasn't actually as bad as I expected...or maybe it was just the aftereffect of watching its infinitesimally more horrible sequels.

That said, the all-star cast, some of the script details, and that FUCKING SOUNDTRACK made it seem like a really over the top dream. Or like some unskilled comedian was beating a joke way past the punch line. Also, a man named Farmer...who farms? (Cue dramatic orchestration.) I think I actually had some notes somewhere about this flick, but really...moving on. I can't even tell you how it ended because the battle scene music was horrendous. I remember some kissing...and then came the closing credit song. Sweet Satan's freshly waxed ball-sack...it was like Queen circa the Highlander soundtrack as interpreted by Power Symphony and remixed by Leaves Eyes.

Seriously, every time I even try to remember a scene from the movie, a blast of horns and strings just bombards my psyche. It's like Boll wants you to hate him. BTW was there even a dungeon in this movie?

Lions, Tigers, and Lamb Bears. Oh My!

Beowulf (1999)

You didn't think I'd get through a fantasy movie marathon without at least 1 Christopher Lambert offering, did you?!?

Very loosely based on the terribly over-rated poem, this film predates the 2007 CGI filmgasm by 8 years. It has a very sci-fi feel to it while retaining it's medieval roots. And honestly, I love that about this movie. It even has a Juno Reactor soundtrack!

A bleached blonde Lambert is Beowulf and he's hunting an evil entity named Grendel. After tracking it to a castle/natural gas refinery, he invites himself in and starts moping about the place spouting moody one-liners and doing that distant staring he's famous for. While he plays a total bad-ass fighter, you can clearly see he's showing his age via use of stunt doubles. I know for a fact that he can't back-flip while shooting crossbows. The man is almost 60! He'd break a hip!

While there are some slightly cheesy scenes, overall this is really a cool movie. It's not awesome, amazing, ground breaking, but I never got bored watching it. I have no choice but to recommended this film to any self respecting geek or nerd.