Really, I thought it was a horror film about Information Technology...

It

     Wrote once, made into a movie twice. The most recent was done over 2 films because the story is huge and there's a lot of ground to cover. I've seen both chapters of those films so why watch the 1990 miniseries? Compulsion mostly, and maybe a need to compare the original to the 2017/2019 films. Also, it was in the $3 bin at Walmart so that carried a lot of weight in the decision making process.  I watched part 1 on Wednesday, and part 2 on Thursday. But for the purpose of this blog, I'm combining both parts into one entry.

     Long story short, it's 1960, and a twisted clown is eating kids. Kid flesh is tastier when the're afraid, so he scares the hell out of them...eh...to age the meat properly? Point is, one of the kids eaten by the clown has a bigger brother, that brother has friends, and they go clown hunting. After nearly killing the clown, they all grow up and move away. 30 years later and it's clown hunting time. And the clown is a spider from another dimension. Look, you've had 1 book written over 30 years ago, 1 miniseries made in 1990, and 2 full length feature films made in 2017 and 2019. You've had plenty of time to watch or read so don't fret about spoilers. But wait--here's one that left out of both film productions - There's a kid orgy after the first clown encounter. Yes, that's right. Kids having an orgy.  Wrap your brain around that.

    So what are the main differences between the '90s and 2017+ films? Mostly production value and acting. In the 90's miniseries, the kid actors were decent, though Johnathan Brandis was a bit annoying. As for the adults, that's were it really showed it's age. Harry Anderson with a molestasch playing an annoying comedian was bothersome, while the others, including Tim Reid, John Ritter, and Richard Thomas (with a terrible pony tail), were decent but maybe mis-cast. Tim Curry, however, owned that clown till Skarsgard came along. As for the 2017+ films, both the kid acting and adult acting were spot on. And the gore?  Clearly the updated movies were tops, as the miniseries was really lacking in gore. Understandably because it was shown on primetime TV and it was 1990. 

     So what version should you watch? There's no question, the 2017+ is the best all-around and a hell of a lot creepier than the miniseries. 

Friday: Lady Wrastlin'!!!!

6 boobs, man....6!

 Necropolis

     A witch with a need for life essence has it out of a couple in ancient times.  She's kinda hot but 100% bitch and crashes a wedding of a rather dull insignificant couple. Fast forward to modern times and we meet the re-incarnated versions of that sad couple who are helping each other investigate odd murders. Who's comiting the murders? Turns out our wiccan friend is also reincarnated but unlike her counter parts, she has full recognition of who she is and what power she posses.  Despite that crippling prescience, she's done well to adapt to modern times.

Peroxide flowed like water in the '80s

     One of her many talents is manipulation and she employs it to gather some minions as well as eliminate opposition. How she "baptizes" her minions was  rather....not really sure how best to put this....oh fuck it, SHE HAD LEAKY TITS! It's a wince worthy scene and so out of place, you will scratch your head. And as  guy, this was NOT a turn-on. Look, I understand that women lactate when nursing children, but that is NOT breastmilk and she really  needs to see a doctor.

     Most of the film is pretty boring but I love the mid 80's synth soundtrack.  At the end we're treated with a sad ending or a happy ending....it really depends on who you were rooting for. 

Wednesday: Funny....I just realized I rarely do any Stephen King movies....

You're harshing my Halloween mello, man....

 Disco Exorcist

     A sad disco-rat hangs spends his time hanging out, being a tool, and hooking up with one night stands. Sadly, he picks up the wrong trick that immeadly becomes attached because she thinks one night stands are how you find a good man. It's not, he moves on, and our once-smitten maiden, who JUST HAPPENS to be a witch, puts a curse or hex or whatever causes women to do this whenever he's around them:

Maybe a little high maintenance... 

Needless to say, he's not groovy with that and must break the curse so he can continue to hang out, be a tool, and boink semi-hot women. Mostly porn stars, it seems...

It's the kind of face that says "Most of my STD's are cured!"

     What the fuck did I just watch? I thought it'd be a somewhat humorous, possibly wacky romp about disco culture and a demonic possession. Instead, I got a soft-core porn parody that would have been better viewed on Cinemax's Friday After Dark.  Sure, there was some voodooing and some hexing but 90 percent of this movie is some boney-ass dork dry humping some topless 'model'. I seriously think that this movie was made for the main star to be in the same room with naked woman.  It was never fun despite the promising title, and there's just no reason a sane person would willingly sit through this. You bummed me out, man...

Tuesday: More necro-hotties!!!!

More stunning than watching paint dry..

Zoombies 2

     One of cinemas worst examples of CGI has returned for a sequel. "Why?!?" you might ask? No clue. I want to say money.....but, not sure how you make money making crap like this. I'm betting at one point there was a can drive, maybe everyone emptied out their pockets into a change jar that was exchanged at a bank? Somehow they took a really cheap movie and made a cheaper one. With an even thinner plot. With even worse actors. With NOTHING to do with the first film. Maybe that's where this film shines. It's like someone tried to spray chrome on a turd....

    Poachers break into a wildlife reserve and attempt to steal animal bits. One of the poachears, (who parachuted in, I might add) uses a home brew concoction of herbs and spices for knockout darts. That....wasn't a great idea seeing how she wasn't all that great at chemistry. This turned all the animals (somehow, dunno) into rabbid, bloodthirsty killing mchines. Even the meerkats. That's really the only thing you need to know. The rest is running around, being killed in boring ways, not living up to the first film which didn't seem all that difficult but still managing to fail. In the end, the last 2 idiots survive and I wish they hadn't.

Monday: I really hope people were hurt in the making of this film....

This is all New Zealand's fault...

Killer Sofa

     Follow me if you will: Francesca dates assholes. One particular asshole is a stalker and ends up sacrificing himself so that his soul will be imbedded into a sofa. In turn, Francesca ends up with the sofa. Since it contains the soul of her stalker, it becomes super jelly of her would-be suiters. Most of them are turds and have no chance with her, but they're still a threat to the soul in the sofa. Needless to say, the competition has got to go!.....and the sofa starts killing people.

     I had a hard time figuring out if this was supposed to serious, black comedy, or just silly. The premise is silly, but the cinematography was serious. As was the dialog and mood. But...the sofa leering out windows...please observe:

Here it is looking out a window

Here it is leering down from atop a deck

Here it is disposing of a body

Here it is leering out the window again, but in .gif format

     How the hell am I supposed to take this movie serious?

     Anyhoo, pretty soon she catches on that the sofa....hang on, this has been bugging me: That is NOT a sofa. That is an easy chair. Sofa's fit at least 2 people while our upholstered murderer can only seat 1. Ergo, that is a fucking easy chair, NOT a sofa....right, so pretty soon she realizes that the EASY CHAIR is killing people and she tries to stop it with the help of a former rabbi. I won't spoil the ending for you because I'm not really sure I understood who was who by the time the credits rolled. Thankfully, I should never have to watch this movie again..

Saturday: Not sure if this is a sequel, or a re-boot.....

Hail to the Prez, baby!!!

 President Wolfman

     Back in 2013, I promised myself I'd never have to watch Werewolf In Washington again. Once again, I made the mistake of saying 'never' about a horror film. It's 2020, and it's time to revisit an old adversary in the form of Dean Stockwell's masterpiece but with a twist: It's been re-dubbed, re-written, and re-formatted with new footage from completely different films stitched in all throughout. What was the point of doing this? To make a piece of garbage into a piece of crap. And it worked! 

     Honestly, there's no point in getting into the story. It's just too silly. Just hop in, listen to the ridiculous dialog and admire how much work they put into what was one of the most boring movies I've ever seen. Vote Wolfman!

Sunday: Another unnecessary sequel...

There's not much else you can do with a cube...

 Cube Zero

     This movie franchise's premise has reached it's limit, and it's starting to show. That usually happens when a prequel is involved, and that's just what we're seeing here. For the first time, we're shown a little of the inner workings of the cube, and really it's just a bunch of button-pushers.  They repeatedly watch people die on all sorts of horrific manners, but don't seem to mind...

    ....that is until one hottie trapped in the cube complex is recognized by a young button-pusher, as he's seen her in his dreams. Suddenly, he grows a conscience and starts to concern himself with her situation. Eventually, in an effort to get her out of there safely, he enters the cube and begins to help the remaining party. I should mention that this film's cube party is more of the same: Different personalities thrown into a melting pot, trying to get out. Sadly, they're all boring as hell and not really worth mentioning.

All we've learned after 3 movies, is there's no real escape from the cube, and no real purpose other than to torture the prisoners . Most times, they don't even know (or can't remember) why they're there. What's the point of torture if the victims don't even know why they're being punished? Whatevs, the good news is, I'm done with the Cube movies. 1 cool film, 2 dull sequels that I'll forget in a month. Time to move on o something a little more serious...

Friday: I lied about the serious movie....