Oh so NOW the Feds want to get involved....

Jason Goes To Hell : The Final Friday
aka #9

     Hawty undercover FBI agent lures Jason into a trap by getting naked. Which honestly, is a pretty good plan. They completely annihilate him in an ambush so it was really more of a assassination. Jason is blown to bits and they could really just end the movie there. But no, we've got another hour and twenty minutes to go.

     While performing the autopsy on the bits and pieces left over, Jason's still beating heart possesses a man who then quickly devours it. When you've run out of ideas to bring him back, just rely on the vague and ambiguous.

nomnomnomnom

     After taking the pathologist for a test drive, we meet our next group of victims making thier way to Camp Blood, aka Crystal Lake. Everybody knows the stories but they keep coming like some dumb horny suicide cult. They're quickly dispatched and Jason decided it's time to change bodies. He does so by...um...spitting some sort of dark mouth turd into the hosts mouth. Non of this is making sense to me. From the start they introduced Steven Williams as some wandering bounty hunter that's got full insight and know's that Jason is possessing bodies. His character is annoying and useless even after he explains what's going on. But that's the problem with this movie! You get overloaded with details and plot turns. There's so many other things going on that I don't care about. Why would you ever make a Jason movie with some sort of deep plot? Stick to slashing, not fucking magic daggers or parasites! Enough of this, I'm sure the next one will be back on track...

Deaths by: Probing, slashing, long spikey thing through the back, knife to back, post possession melting, really hard smack to the face, fryer drowning, chin jam, reverse spearing w/head crush, and a lot more implied deaths that might just be concussions. Hard to say.

Thursday: The title is VERY misleading....

Kevin Smith smokes too much weed....

Tusk

     There's a lot to digest here, but I'll try my best.  Two idiots have a pod cast. One of the idiots travels around getting face to face with weird people that end up in video memes or whatever.  While in Canada searching for a boy that cut his leg off on video, he encounters an old man that would love to tell some amazing stories of his life's travels. The meeting goes as expected till he passes out. When he wakes, he's surprised to see one of his legs missing.  This is all perfectly understandable but he's not buying the 'spider bite = amputation' explanation and then it goes down hill from there.  We soon learn that this old man has a thing for walruses and just needs a new walrus friend. That means the ever-annoying character played by Justin Long MUST become a walrus. And to do that, he must wear a walrus suit!

Who's a happy walrus? This guy!

     And before you know it, he's a very ugly walrus and this film went over the edge. Eventually his girlfriend and best boy start running around Canada looking for him and they agree to meet with Guy LaPointe aka Johnny Depp who has been on the trail of this old man nut-job.  Meanwhile, there's a walrus fight and justice prevails but also hands you an ambiguous ending.

That right there is cold blooded walrus suit MURDER.

 
     Like a lot of Kevin Smith films, there might be some social commentary mixed in, but you have to wade through a lot of weirdness to get there. And even once you do that, you realize it's implausible and unnecessary. That's when you say to yourself  "Damn, that boy smokes too much weed".

Wednesday: We kinda assumed he was there all along....

First time in the City, Big Guy?

Friday the 13th 8: Jason takes Manhattan

     This marks the 3rd time Jason has been resurrected, and the second by electricity. Two dumb-asses on a houseboat in Crystal Lake accidentally hit an underwater power cable and naturally it wakes Jason up.  He hops on board the houseboat and gets all stabby. After some trudging around he makes his way to an even bigger ship full of idiots and headed for New York City! This ship is also a powder keg full of unchecked emotional baggage and side stories nobody cares about. And trust me, it won't be long before you're rooting for Jason. Most every one of these idiots are just begging for the machete treatment.

Whatsamatter? Don't like being type-cast?

     Technically, the movie does have scenes in NYC, but over half of the film takes place on a ship! A ship with an alarming amount of axes and shotguns! Once in the city, the movie only slightly improves but you're still subjected to the same prey-stalking. The only addition would be the predictable interactions Jason has with the NYC and it's people. And the retro-naught in me is loving the Manhattan scenes. Even though I've never been there, I still love the nostalgia.

Only one cop seen in the entire movie. ONE.

     Deaths by: spear gun, stabbed by trident, guitar to the skull, stabbed by glass shard, another spear gun stabbing, machete to throat, choking, electrocution, shotgun to chest, falling onto radio antenna, axe to back, hypodermic needle to the back, having your head punched off, drowning in a barrel,  pipe wrench to skull.

Tuesday: It's a Kevin Smith film, so I'm not sure if I should take it serious or not...

If it has tentacles...

...you know it's from Japan

Meatball Machine

     This is another over-the-top splater-fest from our friends in Nippon. It features parasites that take over a human body and contol its nearly every move. Naturally, everything is blood-drenched and the story might be overly complex. More so than necessary as usual. The short story is, Yoji likes Sachiko. Yoji finds a strange 'thing' and takes it home. Then one night, Yoji sees Sachiko with another man who is attempting to rape her. Yoji tries to defend her but gets his ass kicked. The good news is, she goes home with him anyway. The bad news is, that 'thing' he found is triggered by emotions and it latches onto Sachiko and takes over her body. Bad date, dude!

     Later on, we learn that there is a man hunting and growing them because he's an asshole. AND it's keeping his daughter alive since she's been infected as well. Sadly, this leads Yoji to become infected and he decides to hunt down Sachiko to 'free' her of the parasite. By 'free', I mean kill. There's a boring battle and everyone dies in the end and we're treated to an epilogue explaining this is a game to the parasites. Thhhhpppppttttt!!!

     Not as crazy as some of the other Japanese films I've seen, but at least those had a relevant film title.

Monday: Sometimes even Jason needs to get out of Jersey...

Why not make the knives and axes float?

Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood

     Tina is special. Telekinesis special, not 'count to potato' special. When she was young, her drunk-ass dad started to abuse her mother so she 'accidentally' killed him by collapsing a boat dock that he was standing on. Later in life, she's brought to that same house on the lake to sort her telekinesis powers and some psychological ones as well. This JUST HAPPENS to be the same lake that good 'ol Concrete Boots Jason is hanging out in. She has a flashback while standing on the dock and that's just enough to wake and free Jason up. Time for stabbys!

It's OK. Nobody liked her.

     His timing is opportune because next door there's a surprise birthday party that's going to get crazy...and bloody...hell, everyone's going to die. We know this because Tina starts having premonitions of the killings and well....this IS a Jason movie in a forest, so there's plenty of opportunities for people to get chopped up.

H A W T ! ! !

     It would be OK to be annoyed by the telekinesis part of the story, but then again this marks the second resurrection of Jason. Try not to think too hard about it because the writers clearly haven't either. You're seven movies in. Why pick now to start questioning your time spent watching this franchise?

     Deaths brought to you by: Dock collapse, knife to throat, back stabbing, back fist impalement, sleeping bag slammed against a tree, machete to face, drowning by Jason, hand sickle to neck, head crushing, party horn to eye, knife to stomach, machete to neck, spear to the back, weed whacker to upper torso, axe to face,

Sunday: Spagooters!!!

High school is such a drag...

Tragedy Girls

     2 crazy as fuck high school students Sadie and McKala trap themselves a serial killer named Lehmann and use him as a scapegoat for their own murders which in turn raises the popularity of there murder investigation blog. These girls are just as fucked up as the serial killer Lehmann.

Awkward.

    While they're on a killing spree of their own, Lehmann escapes and tries to attack them. He's fought off and shortly after the girls relationship starts to turn sour and they go their separate ways...until prom, that is. Somehow McKala teams up the Lehmann and head for the prom!

.....IT'S ALWAYS THE FUCKING PROM!  It's like rule #1 for high school horror films: The climax must be at Prom...

     Anyhooo, while having a monologuing confrontation, Lehmann's planned attack goes south as he promises to kill both of them anyway and McKala dispatches him with a .45acp round to the head. The girls, realizing they belong with each other, burn down the entire school after trapping everyone in. There's no nice way of saying this: These bitches is crazy and somehow they get away with it! But look at those cute new masks!!!

     This is a fun watch! The girls dark sarcasm and nonchalant attitude towards all the death and violence gives this film a great edge without being proto-hipster edgy. Dark like Heathers, fun like God Bless America.

Saturday: The good news is, I'm over the hump....

"Why'd they have to go dig up Jason...

 ...Some folks have strange idea of entertaiment" the grounds keeper says as he breaks the 4th wall.

That line alone could save this movie.


Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives

     Jason is brought back to life after Tommy decides to dig up the casket (Didn't they say he was cremated in the last film?) and stab him one last time. The big stabbing pole is struck by lightning, and we have ourselves a Franken Jason. STRONG WRITING!!!  Sadly, this endvor gets his friend Ron Palillo (Horshack!!!) killed when Franken Jason punches right through him. We've now taken the series into the supernatural.

This totally works in real life

     Crystal Lake has been renamed Forrest Green for obvious reasons, and Tommy runs to the police department to warn them of Jason's resurrection. Because he sounds cra-cra, they throw him in the jail for a while and later escort him out of town. Meanwhile, our mighty machete man makes his way to the new camp, killing a lot of people along the way. Just like riding a bicycle, I'm betting.

Damage X3!!!

     Eventually the killings are noticed by the po-po, and they start blaming Tommy. They're right! Because he woke up 'ol Stabby McSlasherton, all those deaths are his fault by proxy. Knowing this, he decides to fix his fuck-up and lures Jason into the lake were he can um...drown him? Long story short, he gives him cement shoes and saves the day.

     This has a lighter attitude than the prior films, and it makes for a much better watch. It's still a horror film, but there's some dark comedy that helps us forget about some of the other films. And did I mention that Ron Palillo aka Horshack is in this film?

 Deaths by: Fist impalement, spear-vaulting, normal spearing, face to tree trunk, triple beheading, stabbed by glass bottle, 2 for 1 machete stabbing, head pushed into metal door, knife to side of head, head twisting, knife to forehead, head squishing, body folding, boat motor propeller to head.

Friday: Psycho killers rarely ever wear a name tag that says "Psycho Killer"...