They did NOT look like this in my high school...

Bikini Bloodbath

     In what is clearly written by a 13 yr old deep in the throws of puberty, we're introduced to a high school volleyball team at the semester's end. They decided to throw a party and watch scary movies or some crap like that.  At the same time, the most homoerotic football team party is going down and they're all wearing t-shirts that say "Football Player" if you weren't sure of their sports affiliation. Eventually, 2 of the dude-bros leave the cuddle party and crash the ladies party...terribly. After a couple of the idiots are killed by some dork named Chef Death, it's everyone for themselves...don't forget the daquries.

     In a strange turn of events, I'm not rooting for the killer. He's a dork that spews culinary one-liners faster than you can say "Flava town". However, the audio is questionable so you don't hear it very well. There's also not near as many bewbs as I thought there would. Honestly, it wouldn't have helped this...whatever this is. After the end credits you're treated to a music video by a band called White Liger to further add insult to injury.

Relax, he had a bottle cleaner in his pocket.

I get it, the whole movie is a joke. It's mostly satirical and that's probably why I liked it just as much as it annoyed me. Still better than that stupid bong movie....Thankfully, this ride ends around 70 minutes so your punishment isn't eternal....but you ain't getting it back either.

The real horror is knowing there's 2 more sequels. But that's for another year.

Thursday: Prometheus Unbound...with a machete...

New mask, same 'ol machete....

Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning

     Nobody truly thought it was over with the 4th film, but they didn't even wait a year before starting on the next one.

     Technically, Mr. C. Feldman, Esq, is only in the opening sequence of the film. It features a couple of bro-tards digging up Jason's grave and Mr. Feldman watches in horror as the idiots are opened up by our machete-wielding hero. Corey then wakes from the nightmare and it's revealed that time has passed and Corey has grown up to look a lot like John Shepherd. Tommy, as he's called in the movie, has been admitted to a metal halfway house. Colorful group of people that remind you of The Breakfast Club, and I want every one of them to die. EVERY character is a bit over the top and annoying.

Pop and Lock, Violet!

      But fear not! It's kill-stalking time! This time, however, we don't now who's doing it! Jason's dead and cremated, and the first kill was one of the patients taking an axe to the back of another out of rage. This new killer is a mystery that's revealed in the end to be....the fucking ambulance driver? A total fucking random? Seeking revenge for the first kid getting an axe to the back? That's what I'm treated to AFTER what could have been a great chainsaw vs machete fight? This one bombed in the theaters, but I'm sure it was fatigue that caused that. Fun fact, they released 8 films in 10 years. That's more of a B-movie assembly line. Burnout was inevitable.

You don't think people would tire of this scene? It's always raining when Jason's out.

     Deaths include: Axe to back, road flare to mouth, machete to throat, axe to head, axe to chest, machete to stomach, hedge trimmers to the eyes, skull crush by leather strap, spear to the back, decapitation by meat cleaver, meat cleaver to forehead, another cleaver to head, impaled with machete (x 2),  rail road spike to head, and bead of rusty spikes.

Wednesday: Life's just easier when your occupation is on your t-shirt...

Yummy!!

Technically, 5, but it's not about semantics....

3 on a Meathook

'80s hair in the '70s???

     This classic comes all the way from 1972 and features 4 hotties on a vacation. When their car fails them, a local creeper offers them a ride and shelter till morning. The father isn't having it and kills them all over night. The next day, our creeping son returns and the father convinces the son that he's to blame, despite not remembering. That was in the first 25 minutes, and really they could have ended the film there.

Wow, that is some Troma-level F/X right there.

     But instead, junior goes on a walkabout complete with crappy soundtrack and ends up in a bar, drinking himself silly. After he passes out, he wakes up at the barmaids house...naked, as was she. She assured him that they didn't have sex. Uh-huh...that's what would happen in real life. Then it slooowws way down and bores the hell out of you. This isn't a horror movie, this is a mystery....a mystery of how the hell I can sit through this awful turd! It's like visual Valium! It's a total drag, and  yet somehow I was able to sit through it.

     Since you're not going to watch this film EVER, I'll throw the spoiler out there: As I said earlier, it was the dad doing all the killings. BUT...he was doing so to feed his wife's insatiable cannibalism. She was long thought dead, by the way. I guess you really can spend 10 years hiding in a pantry...

....stupid damn movie. So far, I've watched a sentient bong, possessed bulldozer, and a frickn' sharknado! But this one? Dumbest so far.

Tuesday: Wow! I had 2 movies with Corey Feldman?!? He's getting to be a regular...

Keeping machete makers in business since 1980...

Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter

     "The Final Chapter". Who are you kidding? Never make 4 movies and say "this is the last one" because we know you're full of shit.

Hello, handsome!

     This takes place right after the last movie's conclusion.  The corpses have been moved to the local hospital and....yep, Jason's not dead yet. After stabbing his way out of the hospital, it's back to the lake we go! Oh, there's also a new group of horny young people to kill.
     Basically, this new group is even hornier than the last. Everyone's getting laid, even Crispin Glover!

Cut a rug, shorty!

Well, not everyone, I guess. There was one dude left in the dark to watch a black and white stag film on an old time projector. He got stabbed.

      This follows the same formula as the others so it's really hard to point out anything new. There's a hell of a lot more face-palming moments than any of the other films (so far), and that's why you root for Jason. FFS, you realized a kid was by himself in a house, so you and your new woodsy flannel shirt wearing friend run to see if he's safe...and then immediately leave him alone again?!? In the end, everyone dies but a sister and brother. And the brother just happens to be a very young Corey Feldman! However, no other Corey's were harmed in the making of this film. Damn it.


Our kill list includes hacksaw to throat, seppuku, knife to back of neck, stabbing, speargun to the crotch, corkscrew to hand, kitchen knife to the face, thrown from window, knife to the back of the head, head crushing, axe to chest, machete to the head. The best kill scene was stolen by Jason:

Camera hog!

Monday: People just hanging out...

The Underworld is pretty boring...

Chainsaw Maidens from Hell

     Made in some dorks basement. Probably his fan-fiction headquarters. I'll put money down that half of his internet porn links are for hentai w/tentacles.

     This deep and complex story starts with our hero Dude-bro Mc R-Tard. He's a college footballer that sucks at school. But he's also 'the chosen' warrior for the heavens, so he's given a magical set of football pads to help send demons back to hell. Unfortunately, it's missing the jock strap, so they don't work. Naturally, the jock strap is in The Underworld, so he has to go retrieve it with the help of some sort of nerdy science chick. Once in the Underworld, he must battle 4 crazy fire chainsaw chicks for the 'golden codpiece". Well, by "battle" I mean "Give them a confidence boost so they let him have it". Once the cup is in hand, it's time for a boring but quick battle between good and guys with rubber masks. The Chainsaw Maidens show up and help out and we finish with an after battle party scene. The day is saved, puny mortal.

Not. Scary.

     It's been a while since I've seen a movie this intentionally bad. There's a crap-ton of green screening, ham-fisted acting, rubber masks, and plot holes like Swiss cheese. The audio levels vary, and I'm hoping that was because of the crappy streaming from Midnight Pulp. But despite all of this...this was a fun movie to watch and 75 minutes was just about right. Any longer would have been overkill.

Sunday: Maybe it's time I started pricing out machetes...

The D stands for "DORKY"

Friday the 13th Part 3-D

     3D films have been tried sooo many times and it seems to be on a 20 year cycle. It's heavily marketed, and quickly goes into hibernation till some dip-shit with no sense of history try's to make it the next big thing...again. Here's a terrible example of when it was tried in the '80s.

FFS! YOU CAN SEE THE STRING!!!

     Hot on the heels of the last film, we meet another group of horny young people headed to a cabin by the lake....yes, THAT lake. The same lake that should have been evacuated and razed  years ago. Right from the start, I'm rooting for Jason. These people are stupid and dull. The only stand out character is the chubby dork because a hell of a lot more people can relate to him than any of these other twats. But even he's annoying because right from the start he shows his inferiority complex in relation to his physical appearance. Lighten up, guy!

     Aside from the shlocky jump-scare screen-poking for the "3D" effect, this movie is a nothing. Just another 'killer stalking prey' marathon. Nothing new has been presented other than Jason FINALLY putting on his trademark hockey mask.  I'd also like to note that the guys NEVER survive Jason or his mother. It's always a woman. Girl power!

Toxie?!?

     Kills: Meat cleaver to chest, stick to throat, pitchfork to throat, pitchfork to chest, machete to head, fishing arrow to the eye, machete to crotch, knife to the back, knife to throat, electrocution, hot poker to stomach, head squishing, and axe to head

That mask offers NO protection.

Saturday: If it has chicks or chainsaws, you're going to have problems...amirite, guys?!?

Credit: Mark Knight.

It's like Revenge of the Nerds, but with an axe

Slaughter High

     Right  from the start, this thing reeks of a  half-assed comedy. But sadly, nobody's funny. The next thing you realize is that you're going to be rooting for the killer.

Looks good on ya!!!

     A high school 'nerd' has a horrible prank pulled on him and soon it becomes nearly deadly. It's assumed that he's horribly disfigurement from an explosion and fire. Then we skip ahead to a class reunion organized by a mystery person. And naturally, the only one that doesn't show up is Marty, the disfigured nerd. This is going to blow your mind, but soon after the party has started, people start dying in horrible ways. Total surprise! Then it becomes a stalking film with people dropping off one by one, dying in way such as:

Poisoning, stabbing, acid bath, crucifix, lawnmower, electrocution, hanging, septic tank drowning, axe to face, impalement by spear, and a hypodermic needle to the eye!

That's probably not a tapeworm. But it is filled with poop.

     What's messed up about this film isn't in the scenes itself, but in the casting. A lot of the actors are English speaking in and American accent. The movie was also filmed in the UK, so...this really isn't an American film at all, but everyone is acting like it. This film starts out on a pretty good pace, but soon hits a wall and just draaaags on to the "tell-tale heart"- like ending. This is best viewed asleep.

Friday: You'd think at some point in time, state law officials would take over...