Should Have Been Called Vampire Among Us

Werewolf: The Beast Among Us
(2012)


When I first saw this direct-to-video feature, I had reservations. Almost no one makes a good werewolf movie, let alone one not intended for theater viewing. So it begs a mention that I was in awe of this while watching - I mean it had a plot, actors you could recognize, actual decent performances, AND the cinematography was gorgeous - and did not take the title as literally as other reviews say one should. Also, the clues did not seem as obvious to me because I really wanted to believe someone could make a movie this good about my beloved beast. I still maintain that this is a cut above the usual horror fare even though, yeah, some of it makes little sense after consideration.

The plot goes that a small village is being decimated by a monster and puts out a reward for it's destruction. The reward attracts two sets of hunters: legitimate and scam artists. The scam artists try to foil the hunt for the legits as often as possible, often at their own expense. Both parties quickly discover that this is not your average beast. Suspicions arise and allegations are made.

One of the villagers, Daniel (a young medical apprentice),  hangs around the hunters and comes up with a Silver Bullet-esque theory about the beast picking off the town's unsavory characters (although minus the self-righteousness of Bullet's Rev. Lowe). In the middle of all this, Daniel's love, Eva (who lives within an iron-gated estate) is being romanced by one of the legit hunters' men, with increasing ferocity. That was a little weird and seemed out of place until you got to the big unveiling (that I already spoiled if you were paying attention) - which was really just a diversionary tactic so you weren't thrown by the 5 sec heel-face-turn.

It has it's problems, I won't lie, but I still think it's worth watching.

4/5

His Enemies Are Mostly Dead

Pumpkinhead
(1988)


Two things:

1. I'd gladly pay the price to take a few people off the planet...and no, I would not regret it.
2. Love this movie but it's really not nearly the gore-fest it's hyped up to be. Still...

Any revenge plan that starts with digging up a dead demon is bound to end with regret...and you might want to find out the small details before you enter the contract.

Some cityfolk done kilt Ed Harley's only boy. Fulla hurt, he let one' them Wallace younguns steer him to ole Haggis' place up in them mountains. That there witch done set him on the path to hell.

Several impalements later, we learn what the real payment is for unleashing the demon (and possibly a hint at why Haggis helps).

So the movie was inspired by the following poem, though it seems like no one knows anything about the author (Ed Justin) who wrote it, or where it came from.

Keep away from Pumpkinhead,
Unless you're tired of living,
His enemies are mostly dead,
He's mean and unforgiving,
Laugh at him and you're undone,
But in some dreadful fashion,
Vengeance, he considers fun,
And plans it with a passion,
Time will not erase or blot,
A plot that he has brewing,

It's when you think that he's forgot,
He'll conjure your undoing,
Bolted doors and windows barred,
Guard dogs prowling in the yard,
Won't protect you in your bed,
Nothing will, from Pumpkinhead.

5/5 - c'mon it's Pumpkinhead, King of the Revenge-Demon-movies...and I love his smile.

It's like Happy Tree Friends, only less gory

Easter Bunny, KILL! KILL!!!

     So, this movie is about a single mom, her special needs son, a new boyfriend that's a piece of trash, and a child molester. Oh, and a bunny mask wearing murderer. This movie will present a special challenge to me as I try not to use the word ''retarded''. This is a daunting task because that's what this movie has the most of: reta---mmph---regretful scenes.

     Nicholas, our special little guy, has been raised by his single mother since his dad died when he was six. She's met herself a new beau, and let me tell you, he's a real choice cut. He starts the movie by shooting a convenience store clerk in the face after robbing him. So, he's not really a people person.

Seriously, how does a fat CHUD like this pick up a hotty like that? His boobs are almost as big as hers!

     Mindy, Nicholas's mother, leaves for work and the debauchery begins. Remington, the new boy-toy, calls a pedophile friend to come over and watch the rambunctious little tot, and have his way with him in exchange for some heroin. Remington heads out to pick up some hookers for a party and Pedo-Man tries to chase down Nick but some dude wearing a bunny mask drills a hole inside his head. I liked that scene. But Donnie Darko's retar----nnngggggh---repugnant cousin keeps the murders a'comming with the likes of crowbar bashing, a Skil saw to the chest, broomstick impaling, and so on...

     I have to say that I was a little surprised by the ending, but that's hardly enough to make up for the 90 minutes of whatever the hell this was. It was strangely creepy at times (mostly the pedo), and slash-o-riffic with blood gushing all over. Stream it from Netflix if you're in the mood for a low budget indie horror film. Originally, I was going to watch Night of the Cobra Woman, but I had just seen that 2 weeks ago on Svengoolie and really wasn't in the mood to watch it again.

As an added bonus, please enjoy another classic bunny scene

Tuesday: Some sort of tri-clops with a laugh track...or 2 smart-assed robots and a straight man.

The Benefits of Chipmunk Bites

Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman
(2000)


Yes, I went there...mostly because I wanted to know what the Wolfman had to do with Jekyll and Hyde. Confused? Read on.

This direct-to-video farce has the Chipmunks (and Chippettes) starring in a school production of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, with Alvin in the lead role. Alvin has a monster fetish and an active imagination - two not necessarily congruous traits. Apparently, Simon has been keeping a list of all the townsfolk that Alvin has accused of being monsters. His latest victim is the new next door neighbor, Mr. Talbot. Talbot is snooty, defensive, unfriendly and really likes lupine decor. Alvin sets out to prove his monster theory by ordering a book from a television psychic.

Meanwhile, Theodore is getting bullied at school. Through a serious of events, he ends up replacing Alvin for the role of Mr. Hyde (with Simon playing Dr. Jekyll). His casting was suggested by the soon to be retiring principal, who believes it will boost his confidence. This opinion is not shared by the melodramatic director (who is in possession of the world's only stand alone cappuccino urn that can dispense both coffee and frothed milk from the same spigot). Nevertheless, Theodore seems to morph into his role after a strange dog attack. See what I did there? Yeah.

Personally, I think it's kind of an improvement.

Anywho, Alvin and Simon scramble for a way to save their brother and the school play. Dave, their "dad" tries to smooth things over Mr. Talbot, after Alvin breaks the man's walking stick. That doesn't go so well but does produce the best line in the whole movie:

Mr. Seville do you realize that this cane is a family heirloom? The handle was made from the silver bullets fired at my grandfather by angry villagers.

 Yep, that's when I would've made my exit, but good old Dave stays for the whole unveiling.

After some chasing, and some unfortunate musical numbers, this ends with the most ridiculous, totally unexplained "cure" scenario ever. I was willing to forgive the idea of a werewolf using a silver-handled walking stick - WHEN THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ALLERGIC TO SILVER - but this last piece was just completely inane.

Other annoyances:
Whoever designed these characters had obviously never seen a real chipmunk. I mean I loved the animation as a kid but when I finally saw a real chipmunk...those sucks are tiny. I hate to say it but the modern CGI versions are way more accurate and actually do them justice. Not only are the vintage (or in this case, second generation) chipmunks at least six times the size of a normal one, they also look more like bear cubs. I realize standards were different then but good grief.

Alvin's opening sequence dream was more frightening than this entire movie.

Everyones favorite pin cushion !

Hellraiser: Revelations

     We start out with more 'found footage', someone other than Doug Bradley as Pinhead, a movie produced in mere weeks because of a contractual obligation, and one pissed off Clive Barker lamenting that it wasn't even good enough to be considered his excrement. This movie has issues before we even get to the title splash.

     Basically, some spoiled rich kids (Nico & Steven) go to Tijuana where a homily bum gives/sells them the Lament Configuration. Since idle hands are the devils workshop, Nico starts messing with it and opens a gateway to some sort of S&M goth bar in Hell. They disappear and we move forward to present day with the families trying to come to terms with all that's happened. As the family starts piecing together the events, one of the missing sons, Steven, shows up out of nowhere. After awhile, he goes into spoiled asshole mode and holds the families hostage at gunpoint. It turns out that the 'son' that showed up is not the right one. Or rather, he's wearing the skin of the other. Get that? He's wearing a Steven body suit! Here's his plan: take the family to Pinhead via the Lament Configuration in order to trade for his soul. Pinhead simply tells him 'no' and proceeds to butcher the hell out of him, hook-style! It goes down hill from there with only one member remaining alive, or rather, escapes from the worlds least hygienic goth bar. Sure, there's a lot more there, but you'll have to watch for yourself.

     Honestly, I have to say this was a decent watch. Sure, it felt a little more like an episode than a full featured film, but I was somewhat impressed. There was a lot of imagery that I haven't seen in the Hellraiser franchise for a while, and it was nice to see some of them make a come back. For example, the hooks that Pinhead uses to immobilize his victims, the spinning pillar with body parts impaled on it, and the nasty bum that holds the Lament Configuration. All of these things are hallmarks in the series, and as much a part of the franchise as Freddy's fedora.

     Now, about the new Pinhead:

"I am NOT someones unfinished sewing project! Super serial!!!"

It took 2 people to make up Pinhead: one to act, and one to voice. He's not near as intimidating as Doug Bradley, and in fact, he looks sad. Also, the voice sounds puny and hollow. But alas, Doug won't touch another Hellraiser film unless Clive gives it his blessing. Clive had been working on a restart to the franchise until it was yanked out from under him and this resulting sequel is what we got instead. It's unlikely the reboot will ever happen, but I'll keep an eye out.

Monday: When holiday seasons collide!

"Get Off My Lawn!"

Monster House
(2006)


Crotchety old Mr. Nebbercracker has a secret he's been keeping in a strange, demonic house across the street from 12yr DJ. After DJ and his spaz friend, Chowder, have an encounter with the house, they join up with a candy-peddling prep school girl, to combat the evil entity. It's a kid's movie so don't expect gore and it's a little dry in the beginning.

Most people just get fined for neglecting their home.

The characters are mostly likeable and the storyline is appropriately predictable for 7-10 age group. Dj is a nerd with typical preteen issues, monster house aside. Chowder, clearly still reveling in childhood, is that obnoxious kid you wish would get eaten and put everyone out of their misery. Jenny is an ambitious girls-mature-faster archetype designated to be the leveler between the two.

Eh. 2012's Paranorman delivered what this film couldn't: complexity. The animation was well executed, particularly The House, which articulated a full spectrum of emotion lacking in the other characters.

I give it a 3/5 (I downsized my rating system. 10 is too broad to work with).

You'll get my damn VCR's when you pry them from my cold, dead hands....

V/H/S

     Right from the start, this movie has 2 things going against it. First, it's an anthology of 6 different mini-movies. Second, they're all 'found footage' films featuring mostly Dude-Bros. I hate found footage films. They try to scare you by NOT showing you anything, and leave more questions than are ever answered. Oh, and sometimes they make me dizzy because THE FUCKING CAMERA NEVER STOPS SHAKING!!!....ahem, so naturally, I'm jaded from the start...

....creepy-assed humongus eye girl...

    Within the 6 tales, we have a demon bat girl that rips off a mans junk, a lesbian double cross complete with throat stabbing, a poltergeist, a bunch of blurry shapes of creatures/things killing people in the woods/house/where ever it's dark, and Skyping bewbs! Oh, and for some reason, there's more dude-bro ass than I prefer to see, but there's some cheesecake too, so all's fair.

     I find it hard to really review anthology style films because there's just too much ground to cover and I don't want to be too windy or give too much away. I will say it wasn't as bad as I expected, and the last story, 10/13/98, was pretty decent. If you're into this sort of thing, you might as well go for it. There's a sequel, but I'm not going into that. I'm really tired of sequels...however...

Sunday: One more from an old friend....