Giving robots a bad name since 1984...

Class of 1999

     Released in 1990, it looks like it came from 1985. But there's a decent explanation for that: The short of the long is that bankruptcy forced a delay. Granted, 1989 vs.1990 doesn't' seem like a huge jump, but I remember a considerable change in attitude in the new decade. Then again, I may be taking a myopic view of history. Due to a couple of years sitting on the shelf, this movie never made any big news. But that's also because it's kind of crappy and about 5 years past it's expiration date. Had this shipped in 1985, it'd been a classic.

     OK, this is a little confusing. The year is 1999, and certain areas of large cities are overrun with crime, and cops cannot go anywhere near them. They're called “Free-Fire” zones and there's no laws within those areas. Yet, somehow there's a school smack dab in the middle of the Seattle FF zone and...there's armed guards making students check in their weapons before entering? That sounds like a little more control than a lawless zone usually has. Anyhoo, a group of robotic teachers are now part of the academic staff and they're not fucking around. Snapped necks, brutal beat-downs, forcing druggies into OD'ing. They seem to have sadism in their programming because they just love to discipline students till they stop breathing. And the programmers don't seem to mind. And why would they? The head programmer is Stacy Keach sporting white hair, a ponytail, and creepy contacts. Not exactly what I would consider a quality thinker.

As the film progresses, we learn the android teachers were converted military units and old habits die hard. Eventually, they label every student as a threat and start a gang war to kill off the bulk of the miscreants. All the student gang-tards figure this out and go on the offensive in what ends up a battle at the...oh, you'll never guess this.....at the High School. Because hospitals, dances, and schools are where every climax needs to take place. That's called that 80-90 rule that I just made up. Naturally, at the end, our victorious warriors emerge from the ruins of the school knowing that they're the champions....but they seem to forget that they're still in a war-zone and everything sucks.

Yes, this was a bad movie. But, I have to put it in the Saturday Afternoon class because even though you know it's crap, it's still kind of interesting. However, I get the impression from this cast that some people need this gig to pay their mortgage:

Stacey Keach

Malcolm McDowell,

Pam Grier

Friday: PC Zombies are the most pretentious soy latte-swilling jackasses you'll ever meet...