Sweater Puppies! Dairy Pillows! Zeppelins!

 Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Better known as “The Movie About Elvira's Boobs”

     This cheeky little movie features Cassandra Peterson hopping into the only roll anyone remembers her playing, Elvira's Boobs. Mostly because her boobs are huge and very prominent. Elvira and her twins invade a small town in the north east after her great aunt dies. Her great aunt, some sort of witch, leaves her a house, a dog, and one stupid cookbook. Later it's revealed that this cookbook is actually a spell book and Elvira the next in line of witches. Hi-jinx ensue and pretty soon, Elvira finds herself on a steak about to be burnt...in 1988. Yeah, so the realism is a bit lacking, but hell, this is the late '80s! Just roll with it. Demons vanquished, order restored, and we get a really cheesy dance number right before the credits. Try to visualize Elvira doing Madonna's Material Girl but with pasties and tassels.

Exhibit A: Boobarella

Exhibit B: Giant Boob Lady

 











Anyway, great cheese movie from the late '80s that I missed but have now seen. Now I feel complete.

One more before the home stretch, and it includes superfluous heads!

I lied about there only being one zombie movie on my list..

Fido

     This is a little kiche movie set in the late 50's after a zombie outbreak. Eventually, the zombies are contained and become controled servants with collars around their necks. A a suburban family finally recieves their first zombie servant, and the son quickly becomes friends with it. Then it becomes a little odd and maybe creepy. Fido, our zombie hero played by Billy Connolly of all people, is showing slight signs of compassion by not eating the son. On top of that, he's starting to show compassion towards his mother, a very disappointed housewife played by Carrie Anne Moss. At first, I thought her character was so Stepford-esq, she was unwatchable. She does move past this later in the movie, but she's still stiff as hell. While not an overly complicated plot, I don't' have the energy (jet lag, maybe) to go into detail. It's really just a mediocre movie with some funny points, but I felt like they wasted Billy Connolly who tends to be a more of a vocal comedian. It wasn't a hard to watch movie, but it wasn't amazing. Best left for a lazy Saturday afternoon.

Kiss me, I'm Scottish.

Friday: Awwwww Yeaaaaaaaah. Boobarella!

It's a chicken zombie thing. You wouldn't understand...

 Poultrygeist.

How does Ron Jeremy keep ending up in these movies? Is he trying to move into legitimate film rolls where he doesn't have to show us his wanker?

"See? I didn't take my weiner out once!!! 

     It's been awhile since I've seen a Tromaville movie, and this fit the bill perfectly. A ancient native burial ground is dozed over to make room for an American Chicken Bunker. Naturally, this ruffles the headdress feathers of the long deceased, and employees of the newly opened ACB are dying off in horrifyingly violent ways. We call that Troma-style. Anyway, silliness ensues for an unbelievable 114 minutes! I've never heard of a Troma movie lasting that long! And after the first hour, you'll notice it's overly long. This is also part musical, so beware of vulgar songs about funny stuff. At least the acting the acting is decent, and the f/x are pretty gross at times. And there's also an oddly long scene featuring Mr. Troma himself, Lloyd Kaufman.

I can't say I'll ever want to watch it again, but I'm glad I got to see it.

Right where it belongs

Up Next: Intermission

Might as well call it a bukkakie film...

 The Stuff

     Does it ever occur to you to eat an unknown throbbing substances on the ground? Me neither, but this is Horrorland, baby, and that's how movies open!

     Lets be honest, Stuff is basically a desert yogurt, and it's taking the world by storm. Everybody's doing it. Well, everyone but little guy Jason. He once saw the Stuff move on it's own, so he knows it's evil. Michael Moriarty is also on the case and I don't get his portrayal. He's trying to play a bit of a hick-ish former FBI agent turned industrial spy, but his accent keeps wandering. Regardless, he's now fully vested into finding out what this stuff is, since it's tried to kill him multiple times. Throughout the movie, he enlists the help of a rather odd cast: Paul Sorvino, Garrett Morris, Danny Aiello, and there's even a cameo by Abe Vagoda.

     Less a horror film than a Saturday afternoon crap show, this was another on the long term wish-list. It's becoming clearer that I really DO need to be careful what I wish for, as I'm getting it and it's less than awesome.

Is there something on my chin?

     Today is double header day as I skipped last night. I'm also afraid to announce that there will be an intermission until the 25^th. Work dictates a business trip, and I'm not trusting TSA with my laptop.

"Gobble, Gobble, Mother Fucker!"---Turkie circa 2009

Thankskilling

Who can say no to a face like that?

     Farther down the spiral we go with tonight's feature being about an ancient killer turkey that speaks English remarkably well. Or is it a remarkably well spoken killer turkey from ancient times? Meh, either way you shoot it, it looks and sounds stupid. And it is. A cursed turkey, recently re-animated, starts hunting down lame-ass college students while on Thanksgiving break. There's some gruesome kills and some cheesy one-liners uttered by the turkey. Seeing is believing. I actually liked this dorky movie because it reminded me of Flesh Eating Mothers, though less serious. Since it clocks in around an hour, it can't hurt you any longer than that. According to Wiki, The budget was $3500 and it was filmed in 2007, but not released until 2009. There's also a sequel to be out in 2012! Budget for that will be around $100k via Kickstarter and if I can get my hands on a copy, you bet your ass we'll be reviewing that next October.

And the best one-liner? "You just got stuffed!!!"

Friday: Speaking of Stuff.....

“I love wieners, but I hate dicks”

Dahmer Vs. Gacy

Well, what do you expect with a movie title like this? And yes, that really is the title.

     Long dorky story short, Dahmer and Gacy have been cloned in order to create the perfect killing machine for the military. They break free and go on nationwide killing spree. They really hate each other and soon it becomes clear that they're going to go at each other. One likes to eat people, the other likes to eat people AND fuck their dead corpses

     And then there's Ringo, God's retarded drunken redneck soldier. His two primary weapons appear to be a shotgun and a bottle of JD. He's also got a thing for Anne Robinson from The Weakest Link. God talks to him through a radio and recruits him to stop them.

Observe exhibit A: Peter Pantsless

     Finally, there's X-13. He's the craziest of them all and is dispatched to stop both cannibalistic idiots. He manages to mouth-stab Gacy with an ear of corn, and stabs Dahmer in the chest with the same. However, Ringo, our now pant-less retarded drunken redneck soldier, blows him away with a shotgun. The en...Holy shit, is that Steve Adler of GnR?!? Really?...wow. Ok. Didn't see that one coming. Anyway, The End....till the cliffhanger involving Charles Manson and a butcher knife. I thought this was rather stupid considering Manson never actually killed anyone. All the murders were done by his disciples. Whatevs.

Thursday: I've always felt that turkeys were the most evil bird....

 Transylvania 6-5000

     This will be the ONLY Jeff Goldblum film in this year's horror run. And with any luck, it'll be the last movie I ever see with Ed Begley Jr. EVER. Both play straight men in this film and that may be too much. Everyone else was is much more entertaining. Carol Kane and Michael Richards nearly steal the show and Geena Davis gives me that 'special' feeling. Her part is pretty lame, so I'm guessing it's all the side boob she's displaying.

     The plot is fairly simple: These two dorks go to Transylvania to investigate a cheesey "real" Frankenstein video. They work for a tabloid, and this is right up their alley. The townspeople humor them but they're also hiding the truth. The truth being that Joe Bologna isn't the monster creator that everyone thinks he is. He's actually a rehabilitative surgeon as revealed in the end, but it's a lot of work getting there. As per most wacky '80s comedies, there's rampant silliness at the end and as usual, it's half baked. Wolf-man has a hair growth issue, Frankenstein has had reconstructive surgery after a car accident left him a mess, some lady dressed up as a mummy got serious plastic surgery and “bazonkers”. That means she got bigger boobs. Geena Davis's part has her as as a vampire, when in actuality, she's just awkward about her self image. Nowadays, we call people that dress and act like that “goth” and “annoying self-absorbed jerk-ass”. But hey, I'm jaded.

     This is one of those movies I've wanted to see since 1985, but never really made the effort. Now I've seen it and I feel a little underwhelmed.. But it's not a complete loss:

SIDEBOOB!!!!!

Wednesday: I can already tell this is going to be a stinker...