Was radio really like this in the early '90s?

 Bad Channels

        A hapless washed-up disk jockey is running a contest in a radio station located in the middle of no where. Once the contest is over, a local reporter played by MARTHA FUCKING QUINN calls 'BULLSHIT' and an argument ensues that really went nowhere. Then they both see strange lights in the sky and we have ourselves a really crappy alien invasion!!! And the DJ said it the best when he proclaimed to his audience that the alien looked like a turd with portal window.

He's not wrong. That does look like a turd.

         The alien and its stupid robot take over the local radio station in order kidnap people via electromagnetic radio waves or some such. It's really strange...the alien finds a victim by 'tuning' into specific listeners and um...sends them a beam that puts them right in the middle of a music video. Naturally, everyone around only sees them in a trance. Then POOF...the poor dumb victim is suddenly materialized into a small jar. All of this seems completely unnecessary and it's never really explained WHY the stupid alien was taking the women. 

        Not is all lost, however: It turns out our alien has a weakness to common household disinfectant. So Lysol saves the day? Are you fucking kidding me? That's a bigger copout than finding out a combination lock's combination is 1-2-3...and yes, that really happened in this movie. It's hard to believe that Spielberg passed on this screenplay....

So to sum this up:

Pros:     Marth Heck Darn Quinn!..though she's really over acting in this film

             Dollman cameo!

Con: Practically everything else about this film

Friday: It's an 8-legged volcano asshole....

The absolute worst movie title to Google....

 Porno

        Do you know how hard it is to search for this movie on Google? WITHOUT getting massive amounts of porn links?!? And don't get me started on Image Search....

        Picture this if you will: It's 1990-something, you live an a Gawd-faring town, and you work in movie theater that plays NOTHING controversial.  While digging in the basement  you find a mystery reel and decide to play it. Surprise!!! It's the PORNS!!!....and watching it releases a succubus...eventually...

        In the mean time, the whole movie falls flat on its face when a gay jock decides NOW is the best time to have his sexual awakening and they also find out that the owner not only has a boner for Jesus, but also hidden bathroom camera videos.  But have no fear, the unnamed succubus makes the theate owner her first victim by giving him some ass-play right before ripping his dick off. Not long after that, she makes the second-in-command's balls explode. I really don't think this lady likes weiners. If you think that's cringe-worthy (you'd be right), you also get a full on visual of the wound triage that is startlingly realistic.

        Eventually a plan is hatched to counter the succubi and this makes you happy because the movie is boring, unfunny, and NOT scary. No further details needed and no .gifs because searching for them on Google is overwhelming and maybe a little too distracting...

....man, worst of all it wasn't even a good porn. It was more like a cheap Dario Argento knock-off...

Thursday: Must See TV?....

Clowns do not make good meteorologists...

 Clownado    

NOTHING this cool happens in this movie. NOTHING.

        Fucking clowns....I hate clowns. I hate clowns that think I'm afraid of them or have some phobia. I don't. I just think they're stupid. And yet, here I am, watching this cinematic bowel movement because I CHOSE to. What was I thinking?!?

       The wife of a traveling clown show has an affair with a twatty dork. When the husband catches them together, he makes it look like she killed her overly-hairy lover. After using blackmail and  humiliation as a means to cover up her crime,, she has a friend cast a spell to create some stupid wind storm to wipe them all out. 

        Then a black Elvis impersonator shows up...more unnecessary bewbs, a bar fight, a very confused Elvis impersonator...finally, the movie lives up to its title: The vanquished clowns now travel in a tornado and exact revenge on those that wronged them. Somehow they stretched this out to 1 hour, 40 minutes. I think at one point a guy was eaten by a clown vigina...one of the clowns also gave birth to a mini-clown...this only makes me hate clowns more. Did I mention that bullets can still kill the clowns? Yeah, ghost clowns are not immune to bullets!

        Naturally to defeat the "clownado", they have to use pseudo-science with an airplane and a tank of liquid nitrogen. And by the way, I've never seen so many people panic about LN. They treat it like a nuke or some sort of nasty biohazard. It's in a secure tank, IT'S NOT THAT DANGEROUS!!!

 The kill count is marred by the fact that used runny blood and sprayed it everywhere. There was a lot of nipples in this movie and they seem to forget that if I want to see bewbs, I just go to the internet. Duh. 

Fudge it, I'm moving on.

Wednesday: An unnecessary sequel.... 

All stitched up...

 Rock N Roll Frankenstein

        A slimey record exec is tired of fighting and losing his star talent to other managers and decides to MAKE his own rockstar...someone he can own. Don't even need to get into the social implications that entails but for the sake of this dumb movie, I'll shut down that part of my brain.

        Anyhoo, said record exec hires his nephew to help build the next great rock and roll superstar. He's also employing a roadie and his stoner friends to do some good ole fashoned grave robbing to supply body parts. The graves robbed in no particular order: Buddy Holly, Jimi Hendrix, and of course, Elvis Presley.

What you think you're getting...

        While the "assembly" is successful, the Franken Presley naturally develops characteristics of the rockstars he was assembled from including homosextual tendencies because he was put together with Liberace's weiner....because that's how science works.

What you actually get.

        Really, the rest of the movie is about him being gay in some of the most homophobic ways. I mean...it's not like I expected a great journey of discovery and sexual awakenings...the title is Rock n Roll Frankenstein for fuck sake. My expectations were out the door when I read the title. But when you're exposed to it's giant green talking Frankenweiner...you've peaked...even after he rips it off with a hook and chain lift.

Fun fact: This pile of shit had its debut at the 1999 Helsinki International Film Festival....which means absolutely NOTHING!!!

Tuesday: DON'T send in the clowns....

This? THIS is how I'm starting HorrorFest 2023 out?!?

Night Of The Killer Bears

         This is marketed as a Ted knock-off. But right away it's clear this is NOTHING like that. It takes place in Thailand in a small-ish hotel room run by a sadist who is torturing someone in the back room. A couple is checking in for reasons I don't care and won't make much difference to the plot...if there WAS a plot. Pretty soon things go off the rails as guys wearing giant teddy bear masks show up and start killing people. While they're killing people, we find 2-3 more serial killers torturing people because clearly that's a normal hobby in Thailand.

        Eventually it's revealed that the Kill-E-Bears were sent by non other than the female half of our protagonist couple. Why? I'm sure it was in one of the lines of subtitles but I don't recall and I definitely don't care. Everyone in this movie is stupid and should die. And they pretty much all do. That's the best I can do for a happy ending.

    

Monday: Long Live Rock & Bone....

All children are Hell-spawns...

As usual, I want to end this years movie list with something light, fun, easy on the eyes and brain...Instead I picked:

Little Evil

     Poor Gary. He has a new bride, and with that comes a new step-son named Lucas. He appears to be the spawn of Satan. This is probably true. Right away the evidence starts piling up:

*Tells a teacher to 'go to hell', and she procedes to douse her face with lye and jump out of a window , impaling herself on a fence below

*Stares at a TV broadcasting nothing but white noise

*Makes a party clown lights himself on fire

*All previous boyfriends are dead

*Was conceived during a cult ritual (that's a big one).

     After realizing that he probably IS the hell spawn, it becomes clear to Gary he must kill the antichrist. To do so, you need the Knife Of Destiny. But killing a kid isn't that easy, especially after taking said spawn to a water park and bonding. That throws the mission upside down and creepy cultists kidnap Lucas to finish the job. Turns out, in order for Satan to come to Earth, he needs a vessel, and that vessel is Lucas. Kill Lucas, and Satan can have to body. You know what? It's a thin plot, but nowhere near the worst we've ever seen. After a climatic end which featured a demon made of fire, cultists, and a monster truck, we're treated to a happy ending we all could use.

And that's IT! I'm DONE! 31 days, 31 movies, and nearly every one of them knocked down a couple of my already struggling IQ points. Maybe a book will help with that....

'Till next year!

Say "package" one more time! I DARE YOU!!!!

 Shadow in the Cloud

30,000 ft, -40f, 180mph...this scene explodes with realism.

     A young WAC is put in charge of transporting a super special super secret package via a B-17 during WW2. Almost immediately, something is clearly not right and there's SOMETHING ON THE WING!!!

     ahem...anyway, you'll quickly be annoyed by the misogyny by clearly near-rapist air crew. They're being over-played and annoys the hell out of me right away. Where they really driven by their dick 'n' balls? The first 15 minutes tries to convince you they were after the 15th "got your packaged RIGHT HERE!!!" line, it nearly ruins the movie in the first 15 minutes. She's been deployed by a high-ranking general, yet they constantly taunt her and act as though she has no superior to report to. She's gonna tell on you!

     Nothing about this flight is right. She starts with an accent however she loses it quickly after an encounter with a Japanese plane. And she's not who she says she is.  The package (the one she was carrying, not the crotch of the mega-horny idiot airman) is a baby, and that blows the super secret angle to pieces.  Now it's just a dumb monster movie on a plane and the damn thing looks like a bat. And how did she think she was going to transport that baby without it crying?

     Let's once again put away the realism and try to overlook the tense but highly improbable baby rescue scene or the fact that the 'GOAT Generation' were a bunch of filthy pigs or *groooooaan* when she falls out of the plane, and an exploding plane below her propels her right back into the cabin.

She fell out of this hole. Then she un-fell out of it.

     Truthfully,I must admit, it's not fair for me to be so down on this movie. It is fun, and I was engaged throughout the entire movie. But you have to turn your brain off like it was an '80 Stallone movie.

Yep...she went Stallone...

Monday: The final film...