There, I did it. It's finally over....

Cult Of Chucky

Still not scary.

Andy's back, Nica's back, Tiffany's back, and of course, Chucky is also back.

     Nica's been in an institution for several years and after all that therapy, she now believes that Chucky was never alive and that SHES'S the one that did all the killing. Since she's progressed so well, she's moved to a medium security facility where she's instantly the most disliked person there. But she also gets laid in the first 20 minutes of the film and wheelchair sex looks as awkward as it sounds. Also, if she's paraplegic, how can she feel anything?!? The math doesn't add up there.

     Anyhoo, pretty sooon Chucky dolls start showing up in the mail and you know once that happens, things get stupid and bloody. Those things include an auger drill to the back of the head, multiple stabbings, glass decapitation, wrist slitting, and a head caved in by stomping the shit out of it in heels. It's in the last 3rd of the movie it's revealed that Chucky found a spell that will let him duplicate himself in as many dolls as he wants. And much like the last movie, Tiffany is working in the background, setting things up for Chucky to murder the shit out of everyone. There's the side story where Andy is keeping the head of Chucky and routinely tortures it, but it hardly pays off in the end. I found it useless. What I did find interesting is how a facility that large only has 1 orderly, 1 nurse, and NO security cameras! At one point there's 3 dolls running around that place.

Seriously, nobody sees this on a security camera? AT ALL?!?

The best news is, I'm done with that little bastard doll for this year. The only thing left is the reboot and maybe I'll get to that next year.

Tuesday: Jason's under-achieving cousin....

Right back at ya, buddy!

Sharks and bewbs

Sharkansas Woman's Prison Massacre

     Fracking has released some prehistoric sharks in swampland and what a strange coincidence that it should happen while female prisoners from the Arkansas Woman's State Prison are on a chain-gang doing hard labor removing stumps. It also appears that cut-toff denim shorts and white tankers are just normal women's prison uniform.

     That's it. There's nothing else I can find compelling about this....not that I was looking for it in the first place. Do you really want details? I know you don't any more than I did. But I sat all the way through this 1h20m shark wank-fest. Oh and by the way, the sharks don't just stay in water. How convenient for the sharks.

     OK, obviously this is another cheese cake SiFi channel CGI crap-fest featuring Traci Lords. Yeah, you read that right. Traci Lords. Traci has never been a good actor, but FFS, she could probably do better than this. I was hoping for a fun monster movie, but this took what could have been a good cheesy watch and turned it into shark poo. Next time get Debbie Gibson.

Monday: This is the last time I hear Brad Dourif's voice this season...

Take a deep breath before saying out loud....

The Biker Warrior Babes Vs. The Zombie BABIES From Hell

I'm not sure HD was ever needed or observed.

     Yeah, I had to emphasize that one word. BABIES. This barrel-scraping sucktacular is about a biker chick killing babies. Her bike isn't even that nice.

     Jesus, just wow....OK, so after a blood sacrifice has gone south, a hole in the ground is opened up and out come the worst CGI zombie babies this world has ever seen. We also meet Zipp, the bad-ass biker bitch that's totally not a poser despite those shaved and penciled in eyebrows. Oh, and she wears pleather. There's other characters but mostly forgettable. Seriously, 2 minutes after the last line of the movie ("Let's go fuck!"), I've forgotten just about everything about these idiots and their stupid zombie baby war. Sure, you get a blood facial, a plucky lesson in strip tease, fart, poop, and sex jokes, but it's just another film made by people that scraped together enough cash for bad costumes, props, and a nerd to do the computer-generated imagery. Keeping that in mind, I'm also not a complete hater: This was a goofy film, easy to digest despite all the groan-worthy scenes and ham-fisted acting. They had fun and got some resume padding and a movie credit! In comparison, what did I do today?....scrubbed a shower and napped. They win this round....

Sunday: Chicks and sharks, amirite?!?

Now we're treading into useless sequel territory...

Curse of Chucky

     All this little bastard knows is revenge. This time he's had himself shipped to some lady named Nica who happens to be in a wheel chair. Is it me or is there a LOT of horror movies that involve people in wheel chairs? Anyhoo, Chucky is here to start murdering and he begins with Nica's mother, Sarah, making it look like a suicide. Soon after, her sister Barb, her husband Ian, and live in nanny Jill all stop in and hang out. People chat, chili is made and Chucky puts rat poison into the visiting priest's bowl. Naturally his body isn't accustomed to this new dietary supplement and he looses it on the way home, causing an accident and his own decapitation. There it's revealed that Barb and Jill (the nanny) are having an affair right under Ian's nose. But no worries, Chucky be Chucky and he off's Jill by electrocution, pops out one of Barb's eyes (somehow causing death), and hacking off half of Ian's face.

     Naturally with all this killing, somebody has to answer for it it and it looks like it's going to be Nica because there's no legal precedent for dolls that murder. After she's thrown in the loony bin, we see Tiffany, who's strangely human again, rescue Chucky from police evidence and sends him off to murder or body snatch or whatever. It's the same subplot story every movie so it's kind of irrelevant. You also get a post credit scene with Andy Barclay making a return to the series by shoving a shot gun right in the noisiest part of Chucky and blowing him away. HOWEVER...you know how this works and there's one more sequel to go so it might have all been in vain.

Saturday: Only the 2ND best movie title this year.....

The title says it all....

Pride & Prejudice & Zombies

     I've never read Pride & Prejudice, nor do I plan on doing so. I read, but this subject matter doesn't pique my interest in the slightest. This is a weird occasion in what I thought I knew what I was in for but was gravely wrong. First of all, I wasn't expecting it to be serous! I knew it wasn't a comedy, but maybe satire? None of that! Everyone acted as though they were moving into Oscar territory and the acting wasn't that bad!

     Second, it's actually a well designed mash-up of the original book, then the zombie book, and now a movie. The movie itself is of decent quality and the pacing as such I never really got bored. It was windy, but I think it pales in comparison to the original book based simply on the size of it. Surprisingly, the dialog isn't bad as long as you listen to it. There's a possibility that I might have missed out on some inside nuances because I haven't read the novel, but it all seemed inconsequential. It's just a damn period piece zombie movie, right?


 But here's my biggest gripe. I paid 3.99 for this! I didn't have a damn choice. When I picked it out in very late September, it was still on Crackle....but come October, it was removed. I was forced to pay and stream on Amazon. Soooo whhhhy? Why the fuck would you do that during the horror month? Why would you remove horror movies from your streaming site RIGHT WHEN IT'S MOST SEASONABLE?!? You don't do this during Christmas, so why would you do this and still promote your streaming site with a straight face? God, SONY, you just suck!

Oh, and Matt Smith tried to steal the show. Without a doubt, best character in the film.

Friday: Only 1 of 2 left to go.....

We jumped that shark a LONG time ago.....

Seed of Chucky

     Wow...there's a lot to unpack here. First of all, when we last saw this group of idiot dolls,  they were both dying in a graveyard (highly appropriate) and Tiffany had just given birth *after* drying. It was bloody and all I remember is teeth. Anyhoo, now we fast forward to .jr being imprisoned by some twatty circus side show act.  Junior escapes after finding his 'parents' on TV and heads to LA. Upon arriving, he manages to resurrect his parents into identical Hollywood props in what has become the finest example of 'kinda' breaking the 4th wall. Proof is in the Jennifer Tilly pudding because she plays herself.

     Horror's newest power couple realizes they really do have a son...uh...-ish. Turns out I'm spending my Wednesday night watching 2 homicidal dolls debate the gender of their offspring because it HAS NO GENITALS. I never saw that coming. From there we get to see Redman eviscerated,  Tiffany's doll bewbs, Glen/Glenda have a homicidal breakdown after melting John Water's face, and some doll cross dressing.

Somebody made a Morrissey doll!

     And I don't even think I've scrapped the surface of this movie. I'm not saying it's a really deep and compelling exploration into gender identities and society expectations. FFS, it's a bunch of dolls murdering the hell out of everyone! But THANKFULLY, it's not a dull watch. The inside jokes work well and really why not?!? At one point, nearly every horror franchise mocks itself and this took it in stride.

Thursday: A tasteful recreation of a classic American novel...

He named his cat Sir Lancelot....

Murder Party

     Chris is our main character, and he's plain. He's so plain his last name might as well Generic. On a walk home, he stumbles upon an invitation for a 'murder party'. He wasn't invited, but he's going. He even made pumpkin bread (sadly, with raisins)! After fashioning a suit of armor out of cardboard, our Capt.  Quaalude heads out for a party!

Everyone is sitting in their own puddle of wank

       ....a party put on by idiot art students, full of murderous intent and pretentious back-stabbing. They're really a bunch of flakes kissing up to some dip-shit named Alexander. Their plan is simple: Murder the simpleton that actually showed up to the 'murder party' and film in the name of art.

     After some drugs, soul searching, and general wankness, the bloodbath begins with some shootings, axings, chainsaws, fire, and um....clumsiness. Or finale was a climatic chase scene where our protagonist (not really. He's a bit of a pud) is being chased by the ax-wielding quiet one. It's always the quiet one.

     I'm surprised they made this extended episode of Tales from the Crypt 80 minutes long, but it was actually a good watch despite the mid-point slow down. Otherwise, I liked it's quirkiness and deadpan humor.

Wednesday: The good news is, I'm over the hump....