Well, so much for Alice

Friday the 13th Part 2

     We first start with Alice hardy, the only person to survive the first movie,  having dreams of the terror she went through (see: flashbacks) Sadly, she doesn't last long because someone put an ice pick in her temple. Could totally be a random. Or it could be Jason. It's Jersey, so it can be hard to tell.

Nah, it's totally Jason. they make sure you get a gander at his stunning looks near the end of the film

     A new camp opening on the other side of Camp Crystal Lake means new councilors! That means plenty of new ways for people to get killed and new beeeewbs! Crazy Ralph is a familiar face and starts some peep-toming when he's strangled by our mystery killer (probably Jason).  After that, we're off the Slaughterlympics with deaths including strangulation, dog slaughter, claw hammer to head, throat slitting, machete to face, double spearing, and good 'ole fashioned stabbing.

He actually made a 'Gwaaaa" sound.

     There's nothing really new here, but this was when making a summer camp kill-o-rama was simpler and the only upgrade you needed was to make the blood a little squirtier.

Interesting note---2 movies in, still no hockey mask. I give this film 2 machetes and a hatchet.

Thursday: I guess you never really leave High Skoo..er, Shcoo....wait...s-c-h-o-o-l. Got it. Thanks, Googles!

Who's the bigger idiot....

The people who keep making these 'movies', or me for continually watching them?

The answer is pretty obvious, ME. But compulsion is also me, so on with the next stupid installment of

EVIL BONG:777

For the record, all scenes of 'Vegas are stock footage. But you probably guessed that.

    Things pick up right where we left off with our idiots escaping Sexy Hell and...well after that  you just have to say 'fuckit' and head to Vegas with Evil Bong in tow. I guess that makes them friends now?  After seeing a...there's no other way to put this..ahem... Elvis puppet sex show complete with money shot, our idiots head to a 'cheap as fuck' hotel run by dead guys. They're literally ghosts and aren't shy about sharing that fact. Retarded hijinks ensue and and suddenly the Evil Bitch form the last film makes her way out of Sexy Hell for what can best be described as a cameo. Her ass is quickly pushed back to Sexy Hell and GOD WHERE ARE THE FUCKING CREDITS?!?!? END MY SUFFERING!!!


     ...Oh wait...there they are! Well that was quick...because the "movie" is only 59:19 minutes!!!
Suspiciously absent again is Larnell, one of the mainstays from the first 5 films. Trust me, the film does NOT suffer. Only you do. Even with the over-the-top nudity, you still suffer. That's the real horror of this film.

Wednesday: More chaa-chaa-chaa-chaa..

Who the hell is Biker Bob anyway?

Bubba The Redneck Werewolf
2014


Cracker County won't be the same...

You can just tell the Comics were better.

Welcome to the town of Broken Taint where Bubba the night dog pound caretaker sells his soul to the devil and becomes a werewolf in order to win back his girlfriend Bobby Jo, who dumped him for the flannel-clad, tanned version of Moe from The Three Stooges, Dangerous Dwight. Dwight has a doublewide with a clicker, 4-slice toaster and proper pair of scissor - what to cut right good armholes out of one's shirt.

Anyway they totally stole that Devil comes to the local Watering Hole scene right out of Ghost Rider (GR did it better). The devil's sets about stealing people's souls while Bubba wins back Bobby Jo's heart with his new robust head & chest of hair and giant wolf dong.

The town's folk blame Bubba for the bad choices they've made selling their souls for things like a third hand to stroke their balls while they jack off. Bubba - who is a wolf day and night - has to try and break the contracts. There's plenty of dumb humor, digs at rubes, and mediocre gore. The theme song is horrid but expected, as is Bubba paraphrasing the Green Lantern's oath:

Through the darkest night
And evils might
A hero will rise
Uh...
To kick some ass!

I don't totally want my 77 minutes back but I wish they could meet me half-way. It does have some laugh out loud moments in between the usual gags, but your life will still be complete if you miss it. Also, the devil really looks like Ryan Martini from Mudvayne's "Dig" video, except he's red. He told Bubba he had a tan. Yes, it's like that.

Progenitor of the Endless Sequel

Friday The 13th

     This years marathon is one of the Big Daddy O.G.'s. This made summer camp scary, and somehow wedged horny teens, machetes, and hockey masks all into one horror film. From there, the 30 year reign of some scary movies, and a lot of turds. But who cares?!? I'm watching them ALL!!

     We start out at Camp Crystal Lake in 1958. A couple of horny teens deep in hormonal rage drift away from the group to see who's the best groper. Some nameless person giving us the 1st person perspective takes exception to it and chops/stabs the lustful demons away. What'd you expect?!? It's Jersey!

You tell it, brother!

     Skip ahead to present day, and new young faces start to showing up to the 'cursed camp' and our faceless killer starts picking them off one by one. Hell, the first one didn't even get to the camp! She was killed hitch hiking her way there. Her luck just sucked! But on the bright side, it saved a lot of unnecessary running. The rest go in what is now commonly gory ways: Throat slashing, throat stabbing, ax to the head, normal stabbing, pin the arrow on the dunderhead, and one final decapitation. Oddly enough, for everything you've ever seen about this series and all the icons included, Jason w/hockey mask is NOT ever seen. Just his crazy bitch-ass mum.

     So what did we learn from this one? Halloween was ground breaking and I get the impression that this one needed to one-up that film with gore and a slight twist to the ending while keeping it away from similarities in the story line and creating it's own identity. But remember, this is just the first film. They never really anticipated a sequel...or 10 others...

Star List:

     Kevin Fucking Bacon!...and nobody else worth mentioning.


Tuesday: FFS, I just realized they're not really movies, just episodes...

Island Nazi Zombies...it's ALWAYS Island Nazi Zombies....

Shock Waves (1977)

     Here's a piece of crap I once saw in the late 80's. It's about submarine Nazi Zombies, which is why I'm calling it a piece of crap. An excursion with a compliment full of annoying people runs across a derelict ship and end up making landfall on a deserted island. But it's not REALLY  deserted....Peter Cushing's there, just hanging out in a deserted hotel.  After telling him about the derelict ship, he freaks out and investigates. Turns how he knows that ship and what it means: Island Nazi Zombies. Pretty soon they start picking off the group one by one in the most unexciting ways possible and I'm just as bored now as I was 30 years ago.

This isn't scary. This is NEVER scary.

     Not very gory, not very scary, really slow moving. Mostly spooky music with the monsters moving slowly, killing people very boringly. The '80s made a tremendous impact on horror films, and I'm starting to see why. After seeing several of these lackluster films from the '70s, it needed a change, and the argument could be made that it was spearheaded with 1978's Halloween.

Monday: A franchise so large, it accounts for 1/3rd of this years movie picks...

It's not pleasant, but it's not unpleasent

The Void

     One of the worst things about cults is when they actually DO have a portal to another dimension.  Officer Chumparelli, aka Daniel  has just found that out after picking up a wounded man crawling along a road. After bringing the future red-shirt to the hospital, all hell breaks loose. Eye stabbings, face ripping, neck stabbing, and axing a tentacle monster that happens to drop by. And that was just the first half hour!

     The rest of the film bleeds in the back story while cranking up the intensity level with the ambiance and sound track. This is NOT your normal hospital. It appears to be the test lab for the creepy white robbed cult led by the resident doctor and they like to deal in "making people better". By better, I mean turning people into deformed monstrosities that can't die (but want to).
After fighting his way through a horde of walking drippy corpses, being forced to take an ax to his wife, and taking a knife to the back,  our hero pushes Dr. Mangle-Face into the portal he JUST opened, and we draw the film to a close with an ambiguous epilogue.

     Despite starting out as part tentacle porn, part inter-dimensional horror, this film moves away from a potential to become the next mash-up of The Thing and Event Horizon. It's mostly fresh with great acting and decent dialog. They do everything they can to bring the intensity levels exponentially throughout the film and it works. It's not perfect, but you wouldn't recognize this as a low budget film. It's that well put together.

It's a fucked up movie.....I loved it!

Sunday: FUUUUUCK...more damn Nazi zombies. Why the hell is it always Nazi zombies?!?

Prohibition sucks!

Bloodrunners

     Ice T is the show runner in a speakeasy during Prohibition. The local cops are aware of the joint but would rather shake it down than shut it down. Oh, and the proprietors of the speakeasy are vampires. Goddamn, this shit just writes itself!!!

     Shakedowns go bad, people are eaten, mild gore, poorly placed drama, unnecessary back stories, bad dialog, and even worse acting round out this cheap half-assed attempt to put someones vampire noir fan-fiction to film. But the jokes on me because they made it, and I'm watching it! Amazingly, they hammer this dried-out turd for over 90 minutes with a paltry estimated budget of just under half a million. I'm pretty sure T is paid more per episode for L&O:SVU than this entire films possible budget.

     You know what's sad?  If the cops hadn't been so damn greedy, everyone would be happy! The cops would get their payoff, the vamps would get the money they needed to make their way to New York....yeah by the way, that was the master plan. But nooOOOOoooo, now it's a literal blood feud and our climax brings us to the vampires den to save a young damsel in distress.

     The ending is typical and leaves the door open for a sequel, but why the hell would they want to do that? Why would you want to create an endless series of films based on a premier story-line?
OH right...it's a horror film.

Saturday: It's everything and it's nothing..