Saturday, October 12, 2019

Be strong because this one's gonna hurt....

Ice Cream Man



     An ice cream man is gunned down in the way-way back, and poor Greg Tudor is witness to the whole thing. He goes nearly catatonic and ends up in some hard-core therapy for years while in an institution. Once he's released, he becomes an ice cream man himself and murders the fuck out of everyone. Kids, dogs, people...he's just a butcher machine. He keeps the bodies in his ice cream truck and uses them as ingredients in his creamery-on-wheels. Naturally, he feeds them back to the community so his carbon footprint is tight, yo! A local youth biker club (they were berets and everything!) figures out what's he up to and tries to put a stop to the worlds worst ice cream man's plan. ***SPOILER*** They do, he ends up in a giant blender, and we get a glimpse of a possible sequel that as of 2019 hasn't happened despite a crowd funding effort.


     Part of me is happy for Clint Howard. Part of me weeps because this turd was his first staring roll. But seriously, I swear this movie's existence is just fucking with me. Is it a bad movie just because it's bad? Is it intentionally bad? Is Clint acting horribly on purpose? What is the meaning of this shit-show? Why does Clint sound like Selma from The Simpsons? How did this cost $2 million to make? I might be able to answer that with this stellar ensemble cast:

Holy shit, Tori Welles!
Sandahl Berman!
Jan-Michael Vincent!

Sunday:I have a hard time coming up with a decent tease for a giant killer wasp movie....

No comments:

Post a Comment