Silly Sorcerer, Youth Was Made for Kids.

Beastmaster 3: The Eye of Braxus
1995

Two old geezers are up to no good at the start of this final chapter in the original movie series. Kudos to Marc Singer for being in all three (even though the last two were turds). This film reintroduces Dar's half-bro, Tal, and Tal's bodyguard/advisor, Seth.Seth is played by Tony Todd. I like Todd. No matter how small the part or horrendous the flick, Todd is always believable in his role. Tal was played by Casper Van Diem in what I truly hope was a very unfortunate blond wig. it looked like a combination bad dye and plug job, and did little to distract from the fact that he was dressed like a pharaoh...in a Sword & Sorcery flick starring a bunch of white people roaming some place that was totally not Egypt.

He even had little knee-high sandals and got chick-carried.

::sigh::

Anyway, Tal sends Dar on some diplomatic mission and makes Seth accompany him. Did I mention that Dar has a more replacement animals? Well he does. Now...you might not really notice the difference in the birds if your not into them, and no one expects you to distinguish one ferret from the next...but you can certainly tell that a LION is NOT a TIGER. I mean really! I was willing to over look that the hawk turned into an eagle from the first to second movie, AND that they used a totally different breed of tiger (I mean maybe- maybe - he took a bath and lost some weight...)...but a fucking lion?

::sigh::

Anyway, Tal wants Dar to investigate the claims of some action-figure sporting pilgrims, who are petitioning him for help against a sorcerer. They fear the "arrows of fire" shot by the sorcerer's Crimson Guard...which are literally flaming arrows...shot by mostly black(with a little red trim)-garbed guards. ::sigh:: Dar refuses and is off communing with his animal friends when Tal's camp is raided and he's taken prisoner. The sorcerer wants some fugly bling in Tal's possession and tortures him in his Shroud of Agony - which was actually two sets of tentacle-tipped arms, the likes of which one sees in hentai. Isn't a shroud a cloth? Whatever.

This movie was a dumpfest where they tried to blend the best of the first flick with everything from Conans Destroyer and Barbarian. Case in point, there was warrior woman love-interest, a carnival/trickster sidekick-wannabe, and a sorcerer seeking a demon-god's power. That last one...I've come to the conclusion that dark magic/demon-god power is the would-be sorcerer's version of crack or meth. They've all seen what it did to their fore-bearers and contemporaries but swear that they'll be able to control it. Meanwhile, this particular sorcerer has taken to draining young bucks of their essence to stay strong enough to work his mojo. That just sounds so back-alley....and it's never enough. See my point?

So whatever this guy's name is (and his trusty guy Friday) secures the aforementioned bling and puts it to use cracking open the tomb of one, Braxus, Lord of the Pit, so that he can gain eternal youth and power. Yup. When Braxus showed up - and shame on you if you did not see that plot twist coming - I nearly pissed myself laughing. He looked like the love child of Dinosaur's Earl Sinclair and TMNT 2's Tokka.

I'm just saying...

 I was laughing so hard I missed half his long-winded world-domination speech - which he gave before a big pit that was just in the floor from nowhere. Really, all someone had to do was give him a big push.

"And the creatures of th pit shall rise up and..hey..what the? Aaaaaaaaaaah..."

But alas, no one was that smart. Also, one of his magical powers was that he could shoot his claws (ewww!) which morphed into spears. To that effect, he skewers the sorcerer's assistant, who is just awkwardly pinned to some kind of console in the background of most of the Boss Fight scenes, like troll doll on a dashboard. It was all down hill from there. I mean they won, yay, but I just couldn't even contain myself.