...in my pants.....

     Halloween means many things, but most important to me is 'Horror'. And what is horror? Monsters, Evil, Death, Satan, Fangs, Claws, Psychos, and the ever difficult to explain association between sex and violence. We gather all of these ingredients together to tell a story in a visual form called film or movies for the entertainment of others. We also like to exploit this need of ours by shoving out a crap-load of cheaply made abominations for a quick buck....and honestly I couldn't be more thankful. So 31 days of horror films begins with:

Lair Of The White Worm

     I know what you're thinking: PORNO!!! Well, it does include some red-hot leg-wound sucking so maybe this is a British porno. Decidedly British. Everything about this 1988 feature is from the Queen Mum's bum, from top to bottom (heh).  If you couldn't tell, the indicators showed up right from the start. For example, did you know everyone in Britain lives in a castle and drives a phallic sports car like a Jaguar or a Morgan? They do, honest!

Spitting White Worm? Get it?!?...penis.

    The film is based on a Bram Stoker novel that was based on the Lambton worm legend. That's a fancy way of saying this is a film featuring a boney British tart who just happens to be an immortal snake-lady. Her mission is to find a sacrifice for her big worm friend that lives in the caverns under her house. That's pretty much it. The rest of it is Hugh Grant and his mussed-up hair running round being rich, aristocratic, and typically dull. Then again, this whole film is dull. There's some very strange cut scenes involving a Roman gang rape and lots of phallic cod pieces. It reminded me of a crappy Altered States. The climax was....wormy and predictable.

Some people are just naturally glad to see you. Others are odontophiliacs

     This is a movie I've wanted to see for a long time and I had hopes of it being a top end production. And maybe in broke-ass 1988 England, it was. But it looks cheap despite most of the acting being  of decent quality. But Sammi Davis? Have you ever seen a Brit fake a Brit accent? Now I have. It's gross.

Thursday: Highschool, cheerleaders, probably gonna be some bewbs.