She watch channel zero...

Video Dead

    I've tried to watch this several times, but it keeps getting removed from the streaming service RIGHT ON OCTOBER 1ST!! What kind of crap is that? Finally, I found it on youtube.com. And that is...regrettable...

    Anyhoo, a random guy receives a TV from whereabouts unknown. The TV turns itself on and a zombie dead guy pops out and kills the homeowner because the dead hate the living. Fast forward and the house has been sold to a new family and the siblings are breaking the house in while waiting for parents to return from Saudi Arabia. While unpacking, some jackass from Texas shows up and asks for the TV, but they don't know anything about it because it's hidden in the attic. The Texan warns them not to meddle with things they don't understand. They say thanks and send him on his way. In nearly the same 10 minute period, Jr. hears a TV on in the attic and climbs in to retrieve it. Clearly, the boy isn't making the connection between the TV's exitance in the attic and the talking cowboy hat.

    From there, it's zombies eating people, people running from zombies that eat people, key cast members get eaten...look, it's a crappy direct-to-video '80s horror film you might have seen on USA's  Saturday Nightmares or Up All Night. Don't ask too much of this film because you're getting NOTHING. Just 90 minutes gone from your life. Maybe this will ease your pain after watching this.

Tuesday: How to make a horror film out of anything...

Do reboots actually make money?

 Hellboy (2019)

    When I first heard that Ron Pearlman wasn't returning as Hellboy, I immediately dismissed it. David Harbour did his best. He did it the way they wanted, and it's not horrible, but...it's no Ron Pearlman. And I get it...Ron Pearlman is almost 75 as of this post. He really can't do it anymore. But putting "Dad-Bod" in a successful franchise to replace Pearlman...there were better choices. Josh Brolin comes to mind.

...but we get this instead...

    The plot is pretty thin, but it mostly deals with the Blood Queen, played by Mila Jovovich, wants to be resurrected and she wants Hellboy as her king. When he wields Excalibur, he'll become the demon king or some such, and brings about the end of the world. That is the meat on this bone in its entirety. The rest of the film is back story filler, stale one-liners, and some over-the-top violence that includes a scene where demons just shreds humans in the most brutal way possible. For example:

    Eventually, Hellboy comes to his senses and vanquishes Mila because she's a terrible life partner and everyone is saved...well, everyone but all those people that got ripped apart by the demons. Those people aren't coming back.

    Left with a 'meh' feeling at the end of the film is normal. It's not you, it's the underwhelming movie. But the bad news becomes worse when you find out they made another 're-sequel-boot' this year, featuring a 3rd Hellboy actor that nobody's heard of:

Sullen AND morose in the same still. Amazing.

Monday: I tried to keep the '80s films to a minimum....

37! THIRTY. SEVEN!!!

 Godzilla Minus one

     Post WWII Japan has a new problem in the form of a young Godzilla stomping all over the outer pacific islands. Nuclear testing on the Bikini Atoll has helped the 'Zilla grow significantly larger, and now it has it's ever famous nuclear fire breath. Shikishima, our hero and failed kamikaze pilot, has witnessed Godzilla's wrath first hand, and probably more than anyone else in the world. In fact, his third encounter was as 'Zilla was laying waste to the city of Ginza. Point of note, there's no more Ginza.

   Anyhoo, all this destruction has forced the nerdy citizens of Japan to get its science on and turn the tables. We call this the '2nd part of every Godzilla movie ever"...all 37 of them. And holy crap, 37 movies about Big Green?!? The next most is what...Fast and the Furious? I can tell you I've seen 37 Godzilla movies and not one FF movie.

Pop & Lock, bro!!!

    The plan? Sink it into the deepest depths of the ocean. If that doesn't work, springboard him back up the the surface as fast as possible to cause rapid decompression. We call this the "Sinkers & Floaters" plan. It's dumb, implausible, and just like any other Godzilla movie, it probably works. I won't spoil the end for you, but I don't think I'm being bold when I say there's 37 of them...there will be more.

    Visually, this movie had some great scenes, but others felt the CGI was a little bit too clean. Honestly, you'll hardly notice because overall this is a fun watch. And every bit a true Godzilla movie.

Sunday: It didn't need a reboot, but that's what we got....

Why do monsters always pick on sorority houses?

 Slotherhouse

    An innocent sloth is poached from it's natural habitat by some bearded twat. What beardo isn't aware of is this sloth is a bloodthirsty maniac, just ask the alligator it eviscerated in the opening scene.  He finds out the hard way after he's imported it into his house and it brutally attacks him. Somehow, sloth can do that. Meanwhile, a sorority 'babe' he met in a mall earlier that day stops by his house and she steals it! Why? What does a semi-vapid sorority dingbat want with a sloth? They're smelly, greasy, and I'm not comfortable with that constant grin on its face. 

Super serial?!? Would you trust this face???

    Nonetheless, she brings it back to the sorority house and it's an instant rock-star, quickly becoming the official mascot. Needless to say, once inside the house the sloth dives into it's work and stars offing the sisterhood, one by one. And trust me, you'll be thankfull it did. This is a 'root for the baddie' situation because all of these people just don't deserve the oxygen they're uselessly sucking down, feeding that brain of nothing.

    I have to say this movie isn't near as gory as they usually are, it tows the line between humor and serious, not clearly defining what it is. And somehow they stretched it out for 90 minutes. This is clearly a movie written around it's title, but...not a bad watch if you don't mind the dumb.

Saturday: One from Big Green...

The appropriate people died in this film...

 Little Monsters

    Loser uncle Dave is going through a break up with his girlfriend. Dave has this coming because he's complete loser and won't grow up. Soon after the break up, he meets his nephews teacher and is immeadly smitten. After volunteering to chaperone his nephews class trip, all hell breaks out when zombies start escaping the US Army facility next door to a children's farm. From there, it just continues on as a normal zombie escape movie, but with bratty kids. We'll call this a 'pleasant watch' and move on.

Friday: To be honest, these animals creep me out...

It's true, nobody says 'nut up' anymore...

 Zombieland: Double Tap

        The dysfunctional quadruplets have settled into the White House to ride out the apocalypse. However, not all is perfect and once again, the women bail on the guys and that means its round-trip time...sort of. Along the way, the guys meet Madison, a pretty pretty princess with no clue or care in the world. Somehow she's survived and I think it's because the zombies don't want her to infect them. After the first couple of scenes with her, you start to agree with them. After that it's really just another road trip movie with humorous scenes that don't take themselves too serious. It's hard for me to rag on this film because it was a decent watch. I honestly have no complaints. Boring review, right? Fine, fuck it. Here's a bunch of gifs:

 Thusday-ish: They are 100% preventable...

 Books Of Blood (2020)

     Read them, loved them, and they've spawned several B-movie horror films. Some good, most bad, and one had Vinnie Jones.

     For example:

         Midnight Meat Train

         Lord Of Illusions

         Rawhead Rex

         Quicksilver Highway (AKA The Body Politic)

         Candyman

         Dread

    This one is VERY loosely based on a couple of stories. But they're so far out there, I had a hard time recognizing them. Than again, I read the books about 35 years ago. As anthologies go, here's our simple plots:

Jenna

Jenna has issues, and she's tired of taking her pills. This disagrees with her parents, so she runs away...right into a house of psychos. The kind of psychos that drug people up, sew their eyes shut, and remove tongues as...uh...souvenirs? The good news is, none of victims lose their lives. HOWEVER, they are literally part of the house now since Nurse Ellie keeps them alive in the walls, cupboards, ect. Nice people.

Miles

Um...it's basically Ghost but the psychic was a fake and real ghosts wrote their respective thesis into every square inch of his body, like a big fleshy journal. Don't fuck with ghosts. Or the living. Maybe just try being a good human and not a piece of shit.

Bennett

      The third and final story is really a culmination the other 2 stories. The final chapter had been teased throughout the movie and this concludes all 3 parts of the film and I must say...it was done very well. Not amazing, but surprising and logical from a Clive Barker view. His involvement was non-existent, but his fingerprints are still there.

Wednesday: Blap Blap, Double Tap