The good news is it kept beer in Brad Dourif's 'fridge.

Child's Play 2

This poor kid is getting a complex

      Andy's in foster care, his mother is in an institution, and the only other witnesses to see Chucky in action denied the entire affair. And they were cops! Go figure.....

     For some stupid reason, Chucky is rebuilt by hand by the manufacturer, and it doesn't take long for him to strike first by electrocuting one of the men rebuilding him. From there, the little evil bastard makes his way to Andy and his new temp parents. Chucky be Chucky and murders the hell out of the Father, mother, school teacher, and foster care liaison. Eventually everything comes a climax back at the factory with Chucky turned into goo via an acid bath.

Yes, this felt like a sequel, but not a really cheap one. The FX were improved with a much better animatronic Chucky. Oh don't get me wrong, the movie's nearly 30 years old and it kinda shows, but it wasn't a real hack job like a lot of the other sequels I've seen. So far, we've yet to hit the bottom. But I still have 5 more sequels to go...

Thursday: There's no polite way to say "The balls on that lady!"...

It warned me "For mature audiences only" and I giggled....

Cute Little Buggers

     Stupid fish-faced aliens wearing riot helmets arrive at Earth and start sending "penetration units" that look like little fluffy bunnies to Earth for breeding purposes. Whatever kind of porn that is, I want nothing to do with it. Naturally, the little fluffers are not as they appear what with there gigantic teeth and tentacle-laden mouth and all.  Simply put, they're stealing the women and shipping them off to a lab where they start growing things in them. Something about propagating the alien race or something. It's not worth remembering why. In the mean time, there's a lot of other REALLY stupid side stories that nobody could care about. Seriously, there's a crap-ton of drama going on between bunny maulings and it makes no sense. It's bad enough you're in CGI/Green screen hell, that it's a veiled boob-movie, that it's is overly long at 1 hour, 48 minutes, but putting relationship drama into a titty-bunnie movie makes no sense!


     SO after people become aware of the evil lepus, the fighting begins and naturally, it get's bloody! It's a Goddamn horror movie! It should be!....but maybe just not so much dumb involved. And you know what works best on the hares? Urine! Yep, pee on them and they explode. This fucking movie was written by a 13 year-old in the throws of social awkwardness and puberty. It's a groan-fest that not even booze can help make better.

Starring:
            Nobody. Just nobody. Not even the rabbits are worth remembering.

Moving the hell on with Wednesday:  Return of the least intimidating horror icon...

I guess this was inevitable....

Child's Play

 
     Why are dolls so ingrained into horror films? Think of Puppet Master, Annabelle, Demonic Toys, and several other 1 hits that are just terrible. They were never scary, nay they were silly. Yet they still pump them out, we still watch them. This years franchise feature is Child's Play/Chucky. I've only seen one and figured I better take this year to hammer them out. I don't get why enough people liked them to keep making them but it looks like I'm going to watch them to find out. I'm also a glutton for  punishment.


     Brad Dourif is a serial killer on the run from the po-po. When he's shot and cornered by the police, he starts some sort of incantation that moves his soul over to a doll. Skip forward to Catherine Hicks (the poor man's Virginia Madsen) as a single mother with a son that want's that very doll that now harbors the soul of 1 serial killer. After a couple of people drop dead and her 6 year old son is a suspect in at least one of the deaths, it becomes clear to Catherine that the doll is a little murderous asshole that needs to be wiped out.

This scene went on for 3-4 minutes. Just stop the damn car!!!

      But she has to hurry because Chucky is starting to become human and he's trying to transfer his soul into her son.

     Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I remember it. It had also been close to 30 years so it was like watching it for the first time. The other 6(!) sequels are unknown territory for me so let's see just how bad they get.

Tuesday: But first! Cute fluffy bunnies!@!!!

Keep your tentacles to your damn self....

Grabbers

Filmed in Ireland, so this constitutes a foreign film

     A big 'something' lands in the ocean and a nearby fishing trawler moves in to investigate. The entire crew is quickly dispatched by something stabby. The next day we meet our protagonists, an alcoholic police man and a lady cop that is on a working vacation. Weird things start happening like whales showing up on the beach, people dying, ect...


     Turns out that big thing that landed in the ocean is a tentacle beast nick-named a 'grabber' and boy do they live up to their name. They feed on blood and water and as it turns out, that's just what Ireland is full of. One of them also crapped out a bunch of eggs so there's also that going on.

Not a good place to stand.

      Since there's a storm coming, it's theorized that the daddy-beast will be able to move about the land freely. After they figure out that the beast doesn't like drunk people due to their BAC level, it's determined that getting the whole town drunk is the best, most plausible action to keep the islands residents safe....in case you forgot this movie takes place in Ireland. After that it's a lot of drunken high-jinks and like a quarter of all horror movies, fire saves the day.

Apparently this is 8am in Ireland.

Monday: What is it with doll movies and endless sequels?

It's true....everything about this film is toxic

Toxic Zombies.......

Brought to you by this guy:

This is a 2-parter

Part 1: The Movie
     This is a simple movie. Everything about it is simple. The plot, the F/X, the climax, EVERYTHING!  DEA-like agents spray a chemical called Dromax on illegal grow operations. It's terrible at killing drug plants, but great at turning people into zombies. So what starts out as a bunch of smelly hippy pot growers ends up as a group of flesh eating zombies (probably nihilists too) that don't dig on government agents harshing their mellow. Remember I said simple? That's because this is the antithesis of "complex" or "interesting". It's really a dullard film that's best watched on a Sunday afternoon as you're slipping into a beer nap.

Part 2: Commander USA
     Commander USA was a weekend movie host on USA network back when it was cool and had interesting things on it. For example, Kung Fu Theater, Saturday Nightmares, Up All Night, etc. This was a VHS rip featuring the original broadcast of the movie and Commander USA bumpers. Hell, it even included the commercials! The show ran from 1985 to 1989 and sadly Commander USA, aka Jim Hendricks passed away in March of 2018. While this is a great way to watch this movie, you have to remember that it turns a 90 garbage film into a 2 hour affair.

If you're interested in suffering like me, here's the youtube link:

TOXIC ZOMBIES!!!!


Sunday: America needs more tentacle movies

Boooo!!! Hissss!!!!

Hisss (2010)

Holy hell, somehow I ended up in Bollywood


      So some jerk-ass American with brain cancer is in India trying to capture a legendary snake named Nagin. Word on the street is its blood grants immortality. That's just the kind of thing a guy literally dying on the inside could use. Then again, he's a bit of an asshole and cancer is the best thing for that. Anyhoo, he has some locals help him trap a snake for bait to catch the bigger snake that has blood of immortality. He's not really concerned about the human cost in this endeavor so naturally people die. However, he manages to catch the snake and imprisons it in a glass tank and waits. It seems to me 'waiting' isn't the optimal idea considering he has about 6 months to live. The good news is, it works and here comes a snake lady to just butcher the hell out of every disrespectful man that dare lay a finger on a woman in malice. Shifting back and forth from snake to lady, she just HAPPENS to be very ascetically pleasing.

HOT or NOT?

     Sadly, you're subjected to one of the most boring build-ups to climax despite the really awkward (rubber) snake sex scene and I realize why I'm not really into Bollywood movies. Truth be told, if I had know this was a Hindi flick, I would have passed. Because of my early anime back ground, I'm OK with subtitles, but it's soooo dull.

It's like watching plain yogurt.....

The Rift: Dark Side Of The Moon

     An American spy satellite crash lands in Serbia, so the CIA activates an agent in Belgrade who hooks up with an American agent named Agent Smith. A 'scientist' and another Serbian local team up and head to the countryside to find the super-sensitive satellite. Once our quartet reaches the crash site, they can't seem to find any crash. Then some old asshole shoots at the group and turns it into a trio. After fallowing the signal to the missing satellite, they find a space suit that they can't open and things just get even more weird...

     So we have to jump back to the mid 70's when we were still going to the moon. Actually, the program stopped in '72 with Apollo 17 (you'd be surprised how many people think we only went there once), but for this movie, they did it secretly for a couple of more years. Anyhoo, one of moon walkers finds a spatial rift and is sucked into it. That rift transported the astronaut to 2016 Serbia, generating the crashed satellite signal. So things really came round full circle. Then some 2-bit nihilist zombies start running around and no matter how many times you 'kill' them, they keep waking up. I'm sure that's a fun party trick. After that, Agent Smith starts chopping heads off and it all falls apart after that.

    What I hate the most about movies like this is they're boring to review. The acting, story, sound, and visuals are just good enough to keep me from groan-mocking, but still not a good enough movie to call underrated. I can't make fun of it, I can't get a 'wow' factor out of it. It's lame, but not boring. It'st just a thing that I watched for 90 minutes and I'm now moving on with my life.

Friday: "The windy man, the long mover!!!"