It's hard not to root for the sharks....

     Anymore, it appears that real horror is the reality on the evening news or just outside our front doors. That being said, let's drown out the real horror with the splattery, choppy, violent, silly, stupid, and groan-worthy movies that we've come to love. Starting with:

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

Tara is starting to look like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

     Yep.....I'm starting out this year with a soon to be classic. That's what I've been telling myself since the very first Sharknado. The jury is still out on that, but we're here and we're doing this.
We start with our happy Shepard family in London for some sharknado reason, and Fin is called to investigate a cave near Stonehenge with sharknado writings on the wall. After touching and grabbing things that CLEARLY shouldn't be touched or grabbed....they START a sharknado. Smooth move, guy. That's going to kill a LOT of people. But we already knew that Fin is 75% dumb-ass. Anyhoo, the sharknado heads for London and starts fucking EVERYTHING up. Then it heads to Australia...and Rio, Giza, Rome, Tokyo, ...FFS, it's on a world tour.

     This movie is total shlock! One-liners, puns, and an endless caravan of cameos by:  Chris Kattan, Samantha Fox, Katie Price, Charo, Nichelle Nichols, Geraldo Rivera, Sasha Cohen, Oliva Newton-John, Tony Hawk....Christ, this list goes on forever. And even better, most of them die horrifically or as violent as possible. However, they spared Charo and I think that was a mistake considering they made her the Queen of England.

     I can't begin to list every face-palm this movie does, but it moves fast enough that it seems like a breeze through your mind. Oh, and don't use your brain when watching this. If you do, you won't finish it. Likely, you'll give up after the second or third corny cameo or unreasonable scientific explanation as to how a school of sharks exposed to nuclear waste become a gigantic shark that wrecks the hell out of Tokyo. The evidence all points to this movie being written by a 12yr old nearing puberty. I couldn't find any decent .gifs, so I'll include a near perfect representation of this film.

It's like a mirror image.

     Bad movie or good movie? It's a fucking Sharknado movie! It's both! But it does have one overall crowning achievement above all other prior films:

THEY KILLED OFF BRET MICHAELS! THIS MOVIE IS MY FUCKING HERO!!!!

Tuesday: As always when dealing with spring breakers, root for the monster...