In the Name of the King: A Dungeon
Blahblahbbbbblaaaa.
There isn't much meat to this one, so
here's the short of it: Tough BritEnglish guy Jason Statham goes on a
murder rampage after orcs or trolls kill his youngest son, maybe his
wife, and a crap-ton of other villagers. OK, now that we've got that
out of the way, let's look at something amazing: The cast.
John Rhy-sDavies
Ron Pearlman
Matthew Lillard
BURT REYNOLDS?!?
Ray Liotta
Wow, that's quite the baked potato
there. So with that well rounded cast, why does this movie REEK of a
French sewer? A weak plot I can over-look, but the acting is...well,
there's just something odd about it. John Rhys-Davies? Sliders and 2
boss Indiana Jones movies. Ron Pearlman? Hellboy & Sons of
Anarchy. Matthew Lillard? The Bridge and...um...Scooby Doo. Ray
Liotta? Goodfellas! And Burt Reynolds? EVERYTHING HE'S EVER
TOUCHED....all but this film, that is. They can all act! We've seen
it many times and we have a reasonable expectation of quality from
them. So why is this so 'off'? Why does it seems so awkward and
un-rehearsed? Oh Jesus tap-dancing Christ, I see it now. It's right
there in the credits. One name sums it up:
Uwe Boll
This man has made a career of
destroying fond memories of classic video-games by producing them
into movies. Movies that make Troma films look like finely assembled
masterpieces. Movies so bad that part of his typical press release is
in DEFENSE of the terrible film he's about to unleash upon us. 90% of
them are direct to video and have a budget that made Roger Corman
say 'DAMN! You can make a movie that bad for that cheap?!?” Oh, and
his response to the critics? He challenged his harshest critics to a
10 round boxing match, some of which agreed to it and not surprisingly lost. The man is demented and a terrible director
and the entire world knows it, but somehow, they keep giving him
money to make more shitty movies! And this one is the biggest of them
all. $60 million dollars, this is the most expensive turd to receive
his polish job and it failed so bad that he received the “Worst
Career Achievement” from The Golden Raspberry Awards. And the box
office take? $10 million WORLD WIDE for this 2 hour wank-fest. But
alas, the worst is yet to come...
...for he's made 2 sequels....
Damn you beat me to this two. This was the only other (known) trilogy on my list. I might have to suffer it anyway.
ReplyDelete