Godzilla Minus one
Pop & Lock, bro!!! |
Sunday: It didn't need a reboot, but that's what we got....
Annual 31 days of Horror movie digesting and regurgitating.
Godzilla Minus one
Pop & Lock, bro!!! |
Sunday: It didn't need a reboot, but that's what we got....
Slotherhouse
An innocent sloth is poached from it's natural habitat by some bearded twat. What beardo isn't aware of is this sloth is a bloodthirsty maniac, just ask the alligator it eviscerated in the opening scene. He finds out the hard way after he's imported it into his house and it brutally attacks him. Somehow, sloth can do that. Meanwhile, a sorority 'babe' he met in a mall earlier that day stops by his house and she steals it! Why? What does a semi-vapid sorority dingbat want with a sloth? They're smelly, greasy, and I'm not comfortable with that constant grin on its face.
Super serial?!? Would you trust this face??? |
Nonetheless, she brings it back to the sorority house and it's an instant rock-star, quickly becoming the official mascot. Needless to say, once inside the house the sloth dives into it's work and stars offing the sisterhood, one by one. And trust me, you'll be thankfull it did. This is a 'root for the baddie' situation because all of these people just don't deserve the oxygen they're uselessly sucking down, feeding that brain of nothing.
I have to say this movie isn't near as gory as they usually are, it tows the line between humor and serious, not clearly defining what it is. And somehow they stretched it out for 90 minutes. This is clearly a movie written around it's title, but...not a bad watch if you don't mind the dumb.
Little Monsters
Loser uncle Dave is going through a break up with his girlfriend. Dave has this coming because he's complete loser and won't grow up. Soon after the break up, he meets his nephews teacher and is immeadly smitten. After volunteering to chaperone his nephews class trip, all hell breaks out when zombies start escaping the US Army facility next door to a children's farm. From there, it just continues on as a normal zombie escape movie, but with bratty kids. We'll call this a 'pleasant watch' and move on.
Friday: To be honest, these animals creep me out...
Zombieland: Double Tap
Thusday-ish: They are 100% preventable...
Books Of Blood (2020)
Read them, loved them, and they've spawned several B-movie horror films. Some good, most bad, and one had Vinnie Jones.
For example:
Midnight Meat Train
Lord Of Illusions
Rawhead Rex
Quicksilver Highway (AKA The Body Politic)
Candyman
Dread
This one is VERY loosely based on a couple of stories. But they're so far out there, I had a hard time recognizing them. Than again, I read the books about 35 years ago. As anthologies go, here's our simple plots:
Jenna
Jenna has issues, and she's tired of taking her pills. This disagrees with her parents, so she runs away...right into a house of psychos. The kind of psychos that drug people up, sew their eyes shut, and remove tongues as...uh...souvenirs? The good news is, none of victims lose their lives. HOWEVER, they are literally part of the house now since Nurse Ellie keeps them alive in the walls, cupboards, ect. Nice people.
Miles
Um...it's basically Ghost but the psychic was a fake and real ghosts wrote their respective thesis into every square inch of his body, like a big fleshy journal. Don't fuck with ghosts. Or the living. Maybe just try being a good human and not a piece of shit.
Bennett
The third and final story is really a culmination the other 2 stories. The final chapter had been teased throughout the movie and this concludes all 3 parts of the film and I must say...it was done very well. Not amazing, but surprising and logical from a Clive Barker view. His involvement was non-existent, but his fingerprints are still there.
Wednesday: Blap Blap, Double Tap
Thanksgiving
On Black Friday eve, a store opens early and a stampede ensues, causing a handful of fatalities. Sadness happens and we spring forward a year later for a good ole revenge murder fest.
Some dude that looks like Guy Fawkes's loser cousin starts a murder rampage of all the biggest offenders of the riot shopping spree, each one dying in as gory as possible manner.
This movie is based on a trailer from the movie Grindhouse. This would also make it the 3rd full length movie to spring from the fake trailers and each one has been over the top violent. My personal fav is Hobo With a Shotgun. Anyhoo, good movie but also kind of basic? I mean...Patrick Dempsy? Really?
Deaths include:
Death by dumpster
Death by beheading x2
Death by 180 degree head spin
Death by a knifey trampoline
Death by table saw
Death by parade float
Death by oven
Death my meat tenderizer
Death by fiery explosion....maaaybe
Bimbo Movie Bash
Sent on a mission from a planet 5 light years away, a team of...um...anti-misogynist enforcers lands on planet Earth to teach chauvinist pig-dog men a lesson in equality and respect...by wearing skimpy clothing, bad acting, and bare bewbs! And really, what did you expect? The name of their home planet is Bimbus 36D...nyuk nyuk nyuk.
This is largely a movie of mash-ups; scenes pulled from countless bad sci-fi films, stock footage, over-dubs, and zero original footage. It's loosely stitched together to form a bigger, dumber movie filled with bad dick jokes and pointless nudity. By the half way point, you're bored of seeing scenes ripped from Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death and realize there is a reason this movie has been buried in someone's archive for almost 3 decades. It should have stayed there. This isn't a Halloween film, this is my annual Mulligan movie. Moving on...
This fucking cast:
Adrienne Barbeau!
Morgan Fairchild!
Julie Strain!
Shannon Tweed!
Linnea Quigley!
And at his '80s B-Movie best, Bill Maher.
Monday: Stop confusing the holidays!