37! THIRTY. SEVEN!!!

 Godzilla Minus one

     Post WWII Japan has a new problem in the form of a young Godzilla stomping all over the outer pacific islands. Nuclear testing on the Bikini Atoll has helped the 'Zilla grow significantly larger, and now it has it's ever famous nuclear fire breath. Shikishima, our hero and failed kamikaze pilot, has witnessed Godzilla's wrath first hand, and probably more than anyone else in the world. In fact, his third encounter was as 'Zilla was laying waste to the city of Ginza. Point of note, there's no more Ginza.

   Anyhoo, all this destruction has forced the nerdy citizens of Japan to get its science on and turn the tables. We call this the '2nd part of every Godzilla movie ever"...all 37 of them. And holy crap, 37 movies about Big Green?!? The next most is what...Fast and the Furious? I can tell you I've seen 37 Godzilla movies and not one FF movie.

Pop & Lock, bro!!!

    The plan? Sink it into the deepest depths of the ocean. If that doesn't work, springboard him back up the the surface as fast as possible to cause rapid decompression. We call this the "Sinkers & Floaters" plan. It's dumb, implausible, and just like any other Godzilla movie, it probably works. I won't spoil the end for you, but I don't think I'm being bold when I say there's 37 of them...there will be more.

    Visually, this movie had some great scenes, but others felt the CGI was a little bit too clean. Honestly, you'll hardly notice because overall this is a fun watch. And every bit a true Godzilla movie.

Sunday: It didn't need a reboot, but that's what we got....

Why do monsters always pick on sorority houses?

 Slotherhouse

    An innocent sloth is poached from it's natural habitat by some bearded twat. What beardo isn't aware of is this sloth is a bloodthirsty maniac, just ask the alligator it eviscerated in the opening scene.  He finds out the hard way after he's imported it into his house and it brutally attacks him. Somehow, sloth can do that. Meanwhile, a sorority 'babe' he met in a mall earlier that day stops by his house and she steals it! Why? What does a semi-vapid sorority dingbat want with a sloth? They're smelly, greasy, and I'm not comfortable with that constant grin on its face. 

Super serial?!? Would you trust this face???

    Nonetheless, she brings it back to the sorority house and it's an instant rock-star, quickly becoming the official mascot. Needless to say, once inside the house the sloth dives into it's work and stars offing the sisterhood, one by one. And trust me, you'll be thankfull it did. This is a 'root for the baddie' situation because all of these people just don't deserve the oxygen they're uselessly sucking down, feeding that brain of nothing.

    I have to say this movie isn't near as gory as they usually are, it tows the line between humor and serious, not clearly defining what it is. And somehow they stretched it out for 90 minutes. This is clearly a movie written around it's title, but...not a bad watch if you don't mind the dumb.

Saturday: One from Big Green...

The appropriate people died in this film...

 Little Monsters

    Loser uncle Dave is going through a break up with his girlfriend. Dave has this coming because he's complete loser and won't grow up. Soon after the break up, he meets his nephews teacher and is immeadly smitten. After volunteering to chaperone his nephews class trip, all hell breaks out when zombies start escaping the US Army facility next door to a children's farm. From there, it just continues on as a normal zombie escape movie, but with bratty kids. We'll call this a 'pleasant watch' and move on.

Friday: To be honest, these animals creep me out...

It's true, nobody says 'nut up' anymore...

 Zombieland: Double Tap

        The dysfunctional quadruplets have settled into the White House to ride out the apocalypse. However, not all is perfect and once again, the women bail on the guys and that means its round-trip time...sort of. Along the way, the guys meet Madison, a pretty pretty princess with no clue or care in the world. Somehow she's survived and I think it's because the zombies don't want her to infect them. After the first couple of scenes with her, you start to agree with them. After that it's really just another road trip movie with humorous scenes that don't take themselves too serious. It's hard for me to rag on this film because it was a decent watch. I honestly have no complaints. Boring review, right? Fine, fuck it. Here's a bunch of gifs:

 Thusday-ish: They are 100% preventable...

 Books Of Blood (2020)

     Read them, loved them, and they've spawned several B-movie horror films. Some good, most bad, and one had Vinnie Jones.

     For example:

         Midnight Meat Train

         Lord Of Illusions

         Rawhead Rex

         Quicksilver Highway (AKA The Body Politic)

         Candyman

         Dread

    This one is VERY loosely based on a couple of stories. But they're so far out there, I had a hard time recognizing them. Than again, I read the books about 35 years ago. As anthologies go, here's our simple plots:

Jenna

Jenna has issues, and she's tired of taking her pills. This disagrees with her parents, so she runs away...right into a house of psychos. The kind of psychos that drug people up, sew their eyes shut, and remove tongues as...uh...souvenirs? The good news is, none of victims lose their lives. HOWEVER, they are literally part of the house now since Nurse Ellie keeps them alive in the walls, cupboards, ect. Nice people.

Miles

Um...it's basically Ghost but the psychic was a fake and real ghosts wrote their respective thesis into every square inch of his body, like a big fleshy journal. Don't fuck with ghosts. Or the living. Maybe just try being a good human and not a piece of shit.

Bennett

      The third and final story is really a culmination the other 2 stories. The final chapter had been teased throughout the movie and this concludes all 3 parts of the film and I must say...it was done very well. Not amazing, but surprising and logical from a Clive Barker view. His involvement was non-existent, but his fingerprints are still there.

Wednesday: Blap Blap, Double Tap

A very fine Halloween Thanksgiving film..

Thanksgiving

     On Black Friday eve, a store opens early and a stampede ensues, causing a handful of fatalities. Sadness happens and we spring forward a year later for a good ole revenge murder fest. 

      Some dude that looks like Guy Fawkes's loser cousin starts a murder rampage of all the biggest offenders of the riot shopping spree, each one dying in as gory as possible manner. 

      This movie is based on a trailer from the movie Grindhouse. This would also make it the 3rd full length movie to spring from the fake trailers and each one has been over the top violent. My personal fav is Hobo With a Shotgun. Anyhoo, good movie but also kind of basic? I mean...Patrick Dempsy? Really?

Deaths include:

Death by dumpster

Death by  beheading x2

Death by 180 degree head spin

Death by a knifey trampoline

Death by table saw

Death by parade float

Death by oven

Death my meat tenderizer

Death by fiery explosion....maaaybe

Tuesday: Clive Barkers movies are old enough for reboots?

A Regrettable Police Action...

 Bimbo Movie Bash

     Sent on a mission from a planet 5 light years away, a team of...um...anti-misogynist enforcers lands on planet Earth to teach chauvinist pig-dog men a lesson in equality and respect...by wearing skimpy clothing, bad acting, and bare bewbs!  And really, what did you expect? The name of their home planet is Bimbus 36D...nyuk nyuk nyuk. 

     This is largely a movie of mash-ups; scenes pulled from countless bad sci-fi films, stock footage, over-dubs, and zero original footage. It's loosely stitched together to form a bigger, dumber movie filled with bad dick jokes and pointless nudity. By the half way point, you're bored of seeing scenes ripped from Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death and realize there is a reason this movie has been buried in someone's archive for almost 3 decades. It should have stayed there. This isn't a Halloween film, this is my annual Mulligan movie. Moving on...

This fucking cast:

Adrienne Barbeau!

Morgan Fairchild!

Julie Strain!

Shannon Tweed!

Linnea Quigley!

And at his '80s B-Movie best, Bill Maher.

Monday: Stop confusing the holidays!