Yet Another Craigslist Ad Gone Bad

Creep
2014

Mild-mannered and cash-strapped videographer, Aaron, takes a gig paying $1,000 for a 1-day filming and "discretion." The ad was placed by "Josef", who claims its for his unborn child, whom he'll never meet due to inoperable brain tumor. Josef is totally off kilter, blaming it on the tumor and his mere months to live. The problem is...Peachfuzz.

Uncomfortably weird and touchy-feely as he is, Josef's story might've been believable if it wasn't for Peachfuzz. It's a wolf mask he claims was created by his father to help kids get past their fear. I'll let you decide if believe him:

because this is the mask I'd use to help little kids

 Yeeeeah...

So after the Peachfuzz song and dance - and I mean that literally - Josef gets progressively stranger. There's a psuedo-pagan water ritual and a few times where Aaron suspects Josef is lying. Eventually, he confesses to a crime and then goes right back to making his daddy movie like it's nothing.

Why Aaron doesn't just beat the shit out of him and cart him off to the police is beyond me. The guy stalks him right up the end, which is just frustratingly mind-boggling. Having dealt with stalkers both online and off, I can sympathize with how hard it can be to get justice as a victim, but ignoring the obvious red flags is just stupid.

I wouldn't say this movie is scary in the conventional sense of horror movies. Also, it basically has a two person cast. However, it's worth a watch because there are points when the creep-factor are off the charts: invasion of privacy, realizing you have no real information, loss of control, etc. Plus, Peachfuzz. I mean come on. I would've been out the door before he even finished the first verse.

O'er the Moors and Into the Woods

The Beast of Xmoor
2014

A scantily clad chick running through the woods is a generic opener for like 60% of all low budget horror and slasher flicks. Guess we know what caliber this will be...plus is stars no one you'd give a shit about. This season's off to a good start.

So basically our female lead Georgia is a wannabe krypto-investigative journalist, looking to bust open the beastie case of the century. She's dragged along her cameraman boyfriend to the middle of fuckall nowhere in England. Ireland? Who cares! They're looking for a panther that's supposedly loose on the moors, killing stuff. Fox, her possible sleazebag contact, lures them all the way out across the moor and into the woods - on the authority of meth head no less - where they discover the hunting ground of a different animal altogether.

Maybe I'm just jaded but I really wanted them all to just die. Georgia's boyfriend was an annoying bitch who whined and freaked out for most of his camera time - as did Georgia. Fox was the only one I liked, even though he totally tricked them into a serial rapist/killer's den, and then went limp-wristed when it was time to nut up.

The whole second half of the movie is them stumbling around in a dark FOREST trying to avoid the killer - who is inexplicably dressed like a beekeeper or fencer. Amazingly, they seems to keep circling back to the same areas even though aerial shots show the place is fucking massive. Somehow they manage to stay within rage of the 40-something camera they've set up to film the "cat" roaming.

There was some other weird stuff in this flick - like psycho ginger twins and a one-eyed girl - but mostly it just kind of sucked. I'm actually sorry that there was a survivor.

Never stop in small towns, and NEVER stop to help...

Children of the Corn

     Another classic from the '80s, based on a short story by Stephen King. This movie is what ruined peoples perceptions of the Great Plains, and unfairly condemned gingers. Or at least one by the name of Courtney Gains aka Malachi.

Serious. You will want to punch him. In the face, really hard.

     I'm not really worried about giving too much away since the movie is over 30 years old. If you haven't seen it yet, you probably won't. Unless you're me, who tracks this crap down. It's a compulsion of mine, in case you haven't figured that out by now.

     In a small Nebraska town named Gatlin, there's a crap ton of creepy kids that murder for blood. In the opening scene, they annihilate everyone in a small diner with poison, axes, and knives. We jump ahead 3 years, and it appears they extended that greeting to the entire town. There doesn't appear to be any adults left and the town has basically dropped off the face of the Earth. Our two protagonist, Burt and Vicky, are strolling down the highway on a road trip to someplace called California.  Suddenly, they hit a small child and think they killed him. Upon further investigation, it's revealed the kid died of stab wounds for trying to escape the creepy corn kids cult. From there, we're treated to a really boring 40 minute run up that very slowly tells the back story of what happened to all the adults. Seriously, that part is brutally boring. None of the back story really matters so skip ahead if you're trying to stay awake

     Eventually, we meet Isaac, and his enforcer, Malachi. They don't like adults, they don't like outsiders, and Burt and Vicky are gonna be sacrifices  for some sort of corn demon. Towards the end, said corn demon 'kinda' shows his face as he's dying in a fire. I always thought demons were somewhat immune that sort of thing since they were from Hell. Isn't that Hell's trademark? Fire and brimstone?

     Aside from the movie being dull, it's biggest crime was the terrible 3rd rate F/X when the demon shows up. They basically Ralph Bakshi'd it with rotoscoping and color filters. Hack job, even for a 1984 budget.

Exhibit A: Crap.

Exhibit B: YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY!!!

     Remember, Star Wars was released in '77, and the F/X were miles ahead of this film
Though not a terrible movie, it's dull partially because it LOOKS dull. The setting is all in Earth-tones like brown, light brown and medium brown. Brown...oh, there was a dull yellow car. When that's your atmosphere, it's guaranteed to be a bland experience.

Tuesday: Sensory Deprivation is soooooo '80s cliche.....

"Mensa splooge is very valuable on the black market"

Evil Bong 3

     Now there's an alien bong. It's weed is out of this word.  So once more down the stupid rabbit hole we go. Everyone takes a hit off the bong so they can go inside of it and save the day or something. There's some white-guy kung fu bro-dawg fighting, testicle milking, and naked women painted up for black light. Who cares. This thing was filmed in 2 rooms, and one outdoor scene. Yet somehow, it still has its own Wikipedia page that I will quote: "Evil Bong was shot in 3D and utilized scratch and sniff cards that film viewers could smell at certain times during the film."

     There's still 2 MORE films in the crappy franchise, but the good news is, I'm not covering any of those for the rest of the month. 

Gentlemen, you've captured my feelings about these movies. All of them.

Monday: I'm half way through this month, and things are about to get really corny....

She watch Channel Zero!!!

Terrorvision

     Just so we're clear about something, I spent most of my movie life thinking this was a true horror movie, despite  having never watched it. Again, jokes on me because this is a Charlie Band film and that means "barrel scraping low budget horror comedy". This movie is why Evil Bong and Gingerdead Man exist. That's right, it's all this Goddamn movies fault. Hell, even some of the cast from Evil Bong are in this.

Did I mention this was from 1986?

     What we have here is an alien infestation of the satellite dish and TV's. Some ugly ass monster from the planet Pluton was 'accidentally' 'transmitted' to the satellite  dish of unsuspecting swingers, the Puttermans. Said monster hops in and out of TVs, kills people, and is really really slimy. And everyone dies in the end, even the good guys. Do you know how many movies I wished that happened in? It's like I get to yell "FINALLY!!!". And then I'm stuck with the emptiness of having fulfilled my goals, and lived my dreams with nothing else to work for. Screw it, I'll take it!

That thing on the bottom right? That's his other eye and/or penis.

     This should get more air play. It's stupid, but also cheesy enough for late night TV. It has a lot of quirks (including polyester pleated plaid pants) and reminds me of Meet The Hollowheads. Someday, I might have to start my own TV station so this crap sees more air play.

Sunday: Oh the shit I'm willing to watch for no monetary compensation...

Ok, this REALLY isn't horror...

Mulligan #2


The Evil Brain From Outer Space

Those are some sweet, sweet jumpers, brah!

     By the title, it seems like a drive-in horror film, right? Nah...this is a condensed and translated film from Nippon that features Star Man (or Super Giant), the first Japanese TV hero. Yay.

     Some brain from a really evil prick is in stuck in a suit case, but somehow, it can trigger nuclear war. It's up to Star Man to stop it from...um...I dunno, brief-casing the world to death? Hell if I know, I wasn't into it at all. It felt more like a cloak and dagger film than a super hero film, but that's the problem. It's NOT a horror film and though I love these classic public domain serials, this was boring as hell. I'm just not into super heroes in leotards and capes tonight.

Thankfully, the pain stops at around 78 minutes.Moving on....

Saturday: BOOB TUBE!!!

"We can't run around with 3 naked kids. Not even in Hollywood."

Wavelength

    I first saw this film when I was really young, and I thought it was strange and a bit creepy. When I found  out you could watch it on YouTube in its entirety, I put it on the list. I don't remember it being low budge, but it had a Carradine in the cast. That gave me reason for concern.

     First, the good news: It's ROBERT Carradine, so not all is lost. However, you will keep thinking about Revenge of the Nerds  throughout the movie or at least whenever  he's in a scene. The bad news? After starting out strong, the movie reveals its economy. But hey, it also has former Runaway Cherie Currie. So that's not so bad, right?

naaaaaaakkeeeeeed

     Simply put, aliens resembling naked 10 year old boys have been kept in a secret facility in the Hollywood Hills. When first placed there, it was assumed they were dead. For whatever reason, when Cherie Currie's character comes near the facility, they start to stir and it becomes obvious they were just dormant. So the Government being the the tools they are, try to cover it up by burying both the aliens, and our two protagonists.

     The problem is, this movie started out as a very interesting story, but towards the end, it slowed way down and became cumbersome. The writers seemed to have run out of the good stuff and loaded it with boring filler. And the ending? While not anti-climatic, it was mostly meh. But one thing for sure, they got the military leadership down pat. That was the most believable thing about this movie.

     Isn't is sad that this 'low budget' movie made in 1983 is still miles above most in the same class today? This felt like a modest budget movie by comparison. Maybe not a true horror film, but I used the aliens as the qualifier, so it's not another Mulligan.

Best quote: "they've got to put something on (sic clothes), we can't run around with 3 naked kids. Not even in Hollywood."

Friday: Your FACE is from outer space....