"Mensa splooge is very valuable on the black market"

Evil Bong 3

     Now there's an alien bong. It's weed is out of this word.  So once more down the stupid rabbit hole we go. Everyone takes a hit off the bong so they can go inside of it and save the day or something. There's some white-guy kung fu bro-dawg fighting, testicle milking, and naked women painted up for black light. Who cares. This thing was filmed in 2 rooms, and one outdoor scene. Yet somehow, it still has its own Wikipedia page that I will quote: "Evil Bong was shot in 3D and utilized scratch and sniff cards that film viewers could smell at certain times during the film."

     There's still 2 MORE films in the crappy franchise, but the good news is, I'm not covering any of those for the rest of the month. 

Gentlemen, you've captured my feelings about these movies. All of them.

Monday: I'm half way through this month, and things are about to get really corny....

She watch Channel Zero!!!

Terrorvision

     Just so we're clear about something, I spent most of my movie life thinking this was a true horror movie, despite  having never watched it. Again, jokes on me because this is a Charlie Band film and that means "barrel scraping low budget horror comedy". This movie is why Evil Bong and Gingerdead Man exist. That's right, it's all this Goddamn movies fault. Hell, even some of the cast from Evil Bong are in this.

Did I mention this was from 1986?

     What we have here is an alien infestation of the satellite dish and TV's. Some ugly ass monster from the planet Pluton was 'accidentally' 'transmitted' to the satellite  dish of unsuspecting swingers, the Puttermans. Said monster hops in and out of TVs, kills people, and is really really slimy. And everyone dies in the end, even the good guys. Do you know how many movies I wished that happened in? It's like I get to yell "FINALLY!!!". And then I'm stuck with the emptiness of having fulfilled my goals, and lived my dreams with nothing else to work for. Screw it, I'll take it!

That thing on the bottom right? That's his other eye and/or penis.

     This should get more air play. It's stupid, but also cheesy enough for late night TV. It has a lot of quirks (including polyester pleated plaid pants) and reminds me of Meet The Hollowheads. Someday, I might have to start my own TV station so this crap sees more air play.

Sunday: Oh the shit I'm willing to watch for no monetary compensation...

Ok, this REALLY isn't horror...

Mulligan #2


The Evil Brain From Outer Space

Those are some sweet, sweet jumpers, brah!

     By the title, it seems like a drive-in horror film, right? Nah...this is a condensed and translated film from Nippon that features Star Man (or Super Giant), the first Japanese TV hero. Yay.

     Some brain from a really evil prick is in stuck in a suit case, but somehow, it can trigger nuclear war. It's up to Star Man to stop it from...um...I dunno, brief-casing the world to death? Hell if I know, I wasn't into it at all. It felt more like a cloak and dagger film than a super hero film, but that's the problem. It's NOT a horror film and though I love these classic public domain serials, this was boring as hell. I'm just not into super heroes in leotards and capes tonight.

Thankfully, the pain stops at around 78 minutes.Moving on....

Saturday: BOOB TUBE!!!

"We can't run around with 3 naked kids. Not even in Hollywood."

Wavelength

    I first saw this film when I was really young, and I thought it was strange and a bit creepy. When I found  out you could watch it on YouTube in its entirety, I put it on the list. I don't remember it being low budge, but it had a Carradine in the cast. That gave me reason for concern.

     First, the good news: It's ROBERT Carradine, so not all is lost. However, you will keep thinking about Revenge of the Nerds  throughout the movie or at least whenever  he's in a scene. The bad news? After starting out strong, the movie reveals its economy. But hey, it also has former Runaway Cherie Currie. So that's not so bad, right?

naaaaaaakkeeeeeed

     Simply put, aliens resembling naked 10 year old boys have been kept in a secret facility in the Hollywood Hills. When first placed there, it was assumed they were dead. For whatever reason, when Cherie Currie's character comes near the facility, they start to stir and it becomes obvious they were just dormant. So the Government being the the tools they are, try to cover it up by burying both the aliens, and our two protagonists.

     The problem is, this movie started out as a very interesting story, but towards the end, it slowed way down and became cumbersome. The writers seemed to have run out of the good stuff and loaded it with boring filler. And the ending? While not anti-climatic, it was mostly meh. But one thing for sure, they got the military leadership down pat. That was the most believable thing about this movie.

     Isn't is sad that this 'low budget' movie made in 1983 is still miles above most in the same class today? This felt like a modest budget movie by comparison. Maybe not a true horror film, but I used the aliens as the qualifier, so it's not another Mulligan.

Best quote: "they've got to put something on (sic clothes), we can't run around with 3 naked kids. Not even in Hollywood."

Friday: Your FACE is from outer space....

Really , I never know when I've reached the bottom of the barrel..

Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver or Roller Boogieman

     I'm not a journalist, nor  have a ever pretended to be. Journalists have an amazing talent to squeeze 500+ words about nothing and still keep you reading. I, on the other hand, struggle to manage 2 paragraphs about the last movie in a stupid low budget horror franchise featuring a gingerbread cookie possessed by the soul of a homicidal maniac. But here goes anyway....

     In a blatant rip-off of Silence of the Lambs, we meet the stupid Gingerdead Man in an asylum filled with other foods that have become homicidal. Some idiotic PETA terrorists release them all, thinking they're animals caged beyond their will. Apparently, they missed all of the sights saying 'INSANE ASYLUM' as they drove towards the building. And also missed the sign on the door. Like I said, 'DUMB".  With Gingy released, he wanders into a secret lab working on time travel and after killing the scientists, he goes for a ride to 1976. Solid. Plot.

     Once transported, he lands in a damn roller rink during the height (?) of the disco era, and starts killing people with methods like: Hooking up a vat of acid to the hose of a bikini car wash. I guess lots of roller rinks use hydrochloric acid for...stuff. Lots more stabbing, nail gunning, chopping, and slicing till the end when things go all Carrie-like and everyone is electrocuted. Then Hitler, Manson, Dahmer, and Borden show up and that...that right there was when I realized I was watching a silly movie. And for now, the last one in this franchise. Yay.

Tuesday: In movies, why are most aliens naked?

Someone's got a man-crush.....

Super 8

Warning: This is going to be less about the story, and more about the movie's  impact. Or lack thereof.
 
     It's pretty obvious from the start that this is a nice homage to Spielberg movies that a lot of us grew up watching. And I liked the style, but you could also tell the difference between an imitation and the real thing. I wanted this to be as fun as Stranger Things, and I had a good feeling till the overly obnoxious train wreck scene near the start. For a minute there, I thought I was watching a Michael Bay movie. It was just so over the top and distracting from the story.  Through out the rest of the movie, there was some pretty cool visuals, but could you PLEASE stop with the damn lens flare?!? We get it! You really like Spielberg! Get your own trademark, fanboy

     You could make the argument that the only reason Stranger Things exists is because of Super 8. And more than likely, you're right.  But Super 8 came and went with little fanfare, despite the great box office numbers.  Is there any scene really memorable? Aside from the train wreck, not really. And the cast? Two of the kids annoyed the fuck out of me. First one: The Filmmaker. He needs to shut up. Second one: The puker. He was a damn crybaby and I hated him in every scene. Everyone else, really forgettable.

In contrast, Stranger things had a great cast filled with awkward boys creeping  through early puberty, a creepy and confused older brother, a mother going out of her mind, and a damaged and flawed cop that was believable. The story was far more strange, with a much less comical view of the era. It didn't focus on the time period  nearly as hard as Super 8 did. Though it had much more time for set up, the amount of memorable scenes blows away anything S-8 had to offer, so as far as I'm concerned, Stranger Things wins this battle easily.

     I think it's because Abrams tries too hard to make it identical to the past, whereas the Duffer Brothers worked on the adding just enough weird to make you think about it long after the the final credits. Super 8 was actually a very good film and I do recommend it, but it's also fan service with a very shallow plot. We've all seen this before and nobody's got the balls to put something out there that blows our minds.

Wednes.....oh damn it, this asshole again? What was I thinking?!?

It's another tradition of mine....

Urea ....er, Area 51 aka This Years Mulligan!

    What I THOUGHT I was getting was the old 1980 film Hanger 18. Nope, I ended up with a SyFy channel POS staring Bruce Boxleitner and a bunch of other lame actors. I love it when they do the ridiculous shark movies, but the alien crap is just blaaaa. It's good to fill in a Saturday afternoon when it's too hot or too cold to go out side. In other words, when you can't escape it.

     All I'll bother you with is this: It's a movie about trapped aliens getting loose at Area 51. They chop up a lot of  people, and almost everyone dies in the end. Even Bruce. It's a crappy movie.

     But then again, I guess it's not THAT bad. They didn't use any CGI crap, and the monsters were all true F/X, but it didn't explain whey their were 3 different species of aliens. Did they all come on the same ship? Did they come in separate vehicles? Is this the only work Bruce Boxleitner can get? I can only answer that last one, and it's 'YES'. Did you ever see Transmorphers 2? Nobody but me has, and  that's the best he can get now. But not all's lost. He can still act circles around the rest of these community theater rejects. So at least he's got that going on.

Whatever, I'm going to stream Miami Vice on Hulu.

Tuesday: It sounds like a seedy motel...