Gwaah!!!Fucking dolls! Burn them ALL!!!

Pinocchio's Revenge

     This little crap-fest was made almost 20 years ago by people that don't know what a horror movie is. Or looks like. The proof of this bold statement follows:

     We start out with a flashback of an officer stumbling upon a man burying a body of a young boy. After this man is arrested, crime scene people scour the area and dig up a wooden puppet (read: doll). Flash forward to current times and we see a public defender acting as attorney for the man that was caught burying the young child. This is starting to feel like Pet Cemetery, but much worse. And that's something I didn't think possible. Really, I shouldn't be this bored 15 minutes into the movie. Anyhoo, the man is convicted and executed (he wanted to be), and then that Goddamn puppet shows up out of nowhere and for some reason the PD takes it home. Really, I thought evidence wasn't to leave police possession, but this is a really just a USA Network made for TV movie in disguise, so plot realism isn't' even a second thought. It's somewhere down around “what socks should I wear today?”

     Once the puppet is brought home, the daughter latches on to it and treats it like a member of the family. And that's when the kinda creepy (but sure as hell NOT scary) things happen. Actually, it's just a bunch of shadow play, lighting flashes when there's clearly no storm anywhere near the house, and I'm just bored to tears. The first of only 2 deaths finally happens at the 1 hour, 9 minute mark. And that was just simply turning off a mans life support. I waited over an hour to see a soft death. Sooooo boooooring! More stuff happens, some nanny dies, and the climax ends with the doll chasing Mommy: Public Defender and Notary around the house with a knife. When mommy defeats the doll, she suddenly realizes it's actually her daughter. I guess. I don't really know because I stopped paying attention quite a while ago. Our fadeout is of MPD&N and daughter in a hospital/mental ward with the creepy dead, soulless eyes of the puppet doll super imposed over them while they argue with the doctor over the sanity of the youngin'.

     This is a 96 minute dry hump featuring one of the most awkward lovemaking scenes I've ever witnessed. And at the 40 minute mark, I saw pubic hair in a shower scene that served nobody. Nobody wanting to see T&A would have sat that long into the movie, so what the hell was the point? And the actors? There was only one, and that was the little daughter. Everyone else was an emotionless tool that over-acted to compensate. Really, you have to see it to believe it. But don't. Just. Don't.

Saturday: Bitches be all like that and stuff.....

It Begins....

It's 2015. I've waited a whole year to do this. Less talky, more movies! Let's begin with...

Zombeavers

*insert juvenile comment about female reproductive organs here

      In a surprise to nobody, I'm rooting for the zombeavers....I knew this would happen just by the title. The film starts out with two rednecks transporting some mystery medical waste and predictably, one of the canisters is jostled loose when said rednecks hit a deer (This is to be the funniest scene in the movie). The canister falls into a lake or river, lands in a beaver dam, springs a leak, and that's when we meet the most likable characters in the film. And that's no exaggeration: The males are complete dude-bros, the women are trying to be cool and witty, but somehow utter the word 'beotch' in 2014. These terrible examples of a younger generation deserve every horrible thing that befalls them. These include, but not limited to: severed foot, tree crushing, human-turned-zombeaver mauling, penis severing, and auto impaling.      Even with some characters dying twice (once normal, once more after zombeaverfication), it still wasn't enough. It needed more death. Their deaths...over and over.

Kill. Them. All.

     This movie stars no one other than the beavers. They're cheesy puppets that I fell in love with in the first scene. Oddly enough, the production of the film felt above its budget of $44,000. “And what was the box office take?” you probably didn't ask? $44,000. How tidy!

Friday: Fucking dolls...I always find the ones with fucking dolls....

Another Year, Another 31

Wolfcop
2014


Lou Garou, alcoholic loser and cop, gets mixed up with some Devil worshiping shape-shifters and ends up a lycanthrope...but that actually makes him better at doing his job. No, seriously.

After he and the town Dwight pimp-out his patrol car, they take on some convenience store-robbers and gang members at Liquor Donuts and the local meth lab, respectively. Well, Garou takes them on. The other dude sits in the car and screams like a castrati.

After the law enforcing, they end up back at the sheriff's office where Garou scores some 'tang. Yeah, gross. The movie ends with the identities of the shape-shifters being revealed during some ritual. Honestly, the Drink 'N Shoot festival that they cancelled for this event might have been more interesting. They didn't even bother being consistent with the deaths and powers of the creatures and had the nerve to threaten a sequel.

Highlight:
Garou's first transformation starts with his new wolf schlong bursting out of his penis.
I felt myself wanting to sing "on the great space coaster" any time someone said his full name.
I saw a tag line that read "Dirty Harry...Only Hairier." Um...no.

If Robert Howard had No Soul He Would've Wrote Gor

Gor
1987

Dorkus Maximus, Tarl Cabot, is a physicist prattling on about dimensional portals opened by the ugly bling on his finger. Bling left him by some relative. After his way-out-of-his-league assistant stands him up for their weekend, he gets into a car accident and finds himself on Gor, another world. This is a place for barbarians, where people deal with daily raids, enslavement and misogyny. Sounds a lot like Earth.

Tarl trains to be a swordsman, grows a pair and helps some dirty locals recover their sacred rock. He uses the rock to get home and then puts his new nuts to use on the resident staff bully. It's a mediocre movie but here's the thing: it's based on a series of books that people have actual built their lives around. I'm not even kidding. There was (or is) a cult following of this where they strive to live by the codes in the book. We're talking about a book where caste systems and slavery are considered okay, natural, and something to take pride in. Women are literally kept in chains and live subordinate to men, who may beat them, brand them, and pit them against one another in battle.  

Fuck that noise. You'd have to kill me to kill me before I practiced that bullshit. And the guy who wrote it is like a philosopher or something. Shouldn't he know better?

Never bring a Hobbit to an Orc fight....

Fantasy. It's an odd realm of the universe that we created when reality was just too much. Or not satisfying enough. It holds a strange conflict of our conscience where it can evoke unhealthy obsession while also influencing our future. And in regards to film, what other genera can make that claim?

Lord Of The Rings

…..the 1978 animated version, rather.....

If I had a 1978 Chevy Van.....

    First off, I don't see why all the purists piss themselves in anger over the mere presence of this film. And I'm not kidding! Several people I know that repeatedly read the series from start to finish get angry when I bring this film up. I've never seen it, I was told by them to stay away from it. But why?

“It doesn't follow the books like it should!”

Eh? So, nothing about the actual quality of the film? Just the storyline?

“Yes! It insults the original story.”

Oh...SOOO FUCKING WHAT!!! You like the movie Blade Runner?

“Yeah”

Not even CLOSE to the book “Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sleep” that it was based on. And furthermore, THE MOVIE WAS BETTER!!! Are you starting to understand 'relative perception'?

“It's a Ralph Bakshi POS!”

     It's pointless to carry on the argument from there on and they barely know his name. I learned long ago to never worry about comparing the book to the movie adaptation because they rarely ever match. Just give up on that pipe-dream, and then you can start enjoying films again.

     In typical Bakshi fashion, this film is heavily rotoscoped, which is a simple process where animation is traced over live action film. A lot of people hate it, but I like it. It's a visual representation of the last crazy days of outlaw science fiction, when names like Philip K. Dick and Thomas Dische were writing mind-blowingly trippy stories and there really were no boundaries. A quick look at slightly psychedelic background paintings help hammer this point home and frankly, it's why I like the feel of this film. It reminds me of Wizards and that was a sadly underrated movie.

     I don't feel like going into the story itself as it's well known and you probably have a grasp of it if you're here, reading this blog. However...it IS 133 minutes of people walking...and walking...and walking. I should note that this was the first of what was to be a trilogy. Unfortunately, it tanked so hard in the box office that sequels were never mentioned again until New Zealand's version of David Lynch stepped in with a shit-load of money and cast Rudy, Radio Flyer, and Magneto for a live action trilogy. 

    And that's my last film for this month. Time constraints didn't allow me to contribute as much as I'd have liked, but I did get to see some films that I've put off....and other that I should have continued to avoid.

See you in October, chumps!

Camp Midian

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Apprentice
2009


This movie was just weird. There was just something seriously off about it. I don't know if it was how nonchalant they were about how it starts - every parents' nightmare: the death of a child - or the odd synchronicity of the events. There's just something offbeat about it. Also, it has the ugliest wolfman I've ever set eyes upon.

Anyway, Darren Shan is popular nerd (I'll give you time to process that)...who ends up semi-dead thanks to the psychotic aspirations of his asshole friend, Steve. Isn't there another more like this? It's kind of like Nightbreed-lite. Thanks to Steve, Darren also finds himself embroiled in a war between the Vampires and the Vampaneze (it sounds stupid every time I say it, too). Apparently, Vampires of uptight staunchy fellows who mostly abide by the rules, and Vampaneze and the wild, bloodthirsty killers that give them a bad name. Oh, and there's some obese guy named Mr. Tiny. He's a real weirdo.

This is basically an intro movie. It's not bad. I'd watch it again.

Madam Octa, whom I also found mesmerizingly beautiful.

The Lady of the Lake...and her Sister?

Merlin and the War of the Dragons
2008

Trust me: it wasn't nearly this bad ass!

This was actually fairly decent and would have been enjoyed were it not for the spotty sound.

Merlin is one of two apprentices to a wizard, who saved him from certain death as an infant...or so it would seem. The other guy, whose name escapes me, wants all the spells out of some old book. He convinces Merlin to go along with a plan that backfires, revealing Merlin's secret parentage. After that allegiance goes south, Merlin finds himself helping a beleaguered king battle dragons (who also have a secret). There are also some creepy wet chicks - ladies of the lake, who manage to keep their clothes dry while the rest of them looks damp. Coincidentally this movie also starts on the "After the fall of Rome, blah blah blah...enter the dragons" note. I give up!