It's a story about Love, Nuclear Waste, and New Jersey....

 The Toxic Avenger: The Musical

        As musicals go, I normally don't care for them. But when you include Citizen Toxie? You have my attention.

        For me, the Toxic Avenger was one of the first Troma movies as well as first real B-grade shlock-fest film that made it impossible for me to watch normal movies. In fact, I still own my original VHS tape I picked up sometime around 1992. Then a couple of years ago, I read that they were making a 'broadway musical' version of Toxic Avenger and I longed to see it. And thanks to youtube.com, I now have. And you can too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYv5vsaxqQs&ab_channel=bluegirl

           It's a re-telling of  Toxie's story, so don't get butt-hurt about some of the changes made. The entire play is written to be fun and dumb. But mostly fun. It's also funny and doesn't take itself too serious, even if the actors are acting their ass off. There's never a dull, slow part of the play, and at 2 hours, it's actually around 40 minutes longer then the original film. And I didn't even mind the singing. Watching this musical alone made up for all the other absolute trash I watched this year. All I've really learned is you can't trust a cool movie name.

    And that's it. 31 days, 31 movies, almost all crap. There were some surprises including Ahockalypse, Trailer Park Shark, and oddly, Pulgsari. Let's do this again in a year, but for now I'm going to read a comic book or something.

Rock Bottom.....

 Monsturd

        An escaped convict is running from police in a sewer and falls into a pool that's highly toxic and he dies. Unbeknownst to him, a dumb evil scientist dumped a 55 gallon drum of acid he had previously used to dispose of a body of a former coworker that got um...poopy? 

                                

       As with all movies as such, we know what happens next: Giant killer poo monster, bad acting, gross special effects, and a LOT of poop jokes. For example: Jack Schmidt was the name of the convict that is eventually turned into the poo monster. Heh...hope you like the color brown...

        But all is not lost. There's a plan to stop its murderous reign of sneaking up peoples toilets and murdering them while they're making miniature versions of that guy below.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your monster.

It was flies. They uses flies to kill the beast of turden. Whatever it takes to get those credits rolling

Tuesday: The Fabulous Final 'Film'...

But why did they have to have Barry Melrose?!?

 Ahockalypse

What do hockey and zombies have in common? 

Nothing. But they made this movie anyway

        A minor league hockey time has just won its championship and is immediately attacked by zombies that downed a bunch of energy drinks. It's a crucial story of survival and nothing but hockey references and stereotypes. But relax...it's funny, goofy, and a much needed change of pace. If you like zombie movies and a ton of hockey references, this is for your. If none of those things are for you, you're really going to wish you watched it anyway because the next movie is a turd...

Monday: Oh poopy!!!

That is NOT a Damn Doll...

 Doll Shark

        Some dipshit standing in front of a green screen acting bad at acting professes his hate for a demon shark. So he kills it, and steals a tooth for his son. The shark laughs at him menacingly as it escapes. The dipshit is NOT a good shark killer. The father, not having EVER seen a horror movie in his entire life, puts the shark tooth inside a stuffed animal shark and sends it to his son for his birthday gift. Demon Sharkularity ensues and naturally, it starts killing everyone but the kid. I would like to note that a stuffed animal is NOT doll. And a very NOT scary one at that. Once the fluffy shark is defeated, dear daddy took the tooth out of the toy...and threw it back into the ocean because HE'S STILL COMPLETELY IGNORANT TO HORROR MOVIE RULES. Damn it, what'd you do that for?!? Nobody wants a sequel to this shart of a film! And that's how sequels happen!!!

        So this is how I end Shark Week®? Another shit-show featuring grown-ass adults getting killed by a stuffed animal? Another bad example of shark CGI? I love sharks in implausible situations, but I need more than a cool title and badass movie poster. Maybe a story not put together by the local convince store clerks and community theater rejects? Maybe it's time for a new animal theme...

Sunday: The final 3

A Movie That Pushes You To The Edge....

Jersey Shore Shark Attack

        I love it when the title makes it easy root for the shark.The entire movie is just a spoof of the Jersey Shore lifestyle, or more accurately, how it's fed to us. Do you really care that off shore oil drilling is attracting the sharks? No, we're happy of that fact. Do we care about the social conflict between the Guidos and the Biebers? No. What we need is a resilient shark that can eat all of that HGH-laced beefcake and silicone. One that can handle a nearly infinite amount of bronzing spray and pomade. Something that can survive MTV circa 2012.

Simply put, shark...

Sadly, some of the vapid idiots survive, so it's more of a sad ending. But don't be too sad; there was a formidable body count and I'll take it as win.

This Cast!!!:

Tony Sirico

Joey Fatone

William Atherton

Paul Sorvino

Sonny Carl Davis aka Rabbit from Evil Bong...yeah, that fucking guy....

Saturday: Final stupid shark movie of the year!...but we've yet to hit rock bottom yet....

The Theory of Evolution, and its Social Counter-point....

Shark Shock a.k.a Trailer Park Shark

        In the humble trailer park community of Soggy Meadows lives a man with a dream. A dream to live in a house without wheels. A dream of owning a house with a basement. But evil lurks in the shadows, planning the entire community's demise for the sole purpose of greed. And there's a shark. So grab a cold one, fry up some mayonnaise  sammiches, and watch a story about pain, triumph, and another fresh water shark.

        Evil land baron wants to rid himself of a trailer park that he owns in order make room for some hydroelectric plant. He does so by blowing up a levee which in turn floods the park. It also somehow allows a shark in and it immediately stalks all the surviving members of the trailer park. To make matters worse, evil land baron sends in a clean up crew to get rid of anyone who survived the flood. Oh, AND the shark has gained the power of electricity and uses it to subdue victims and disable jet skis. This damn script wrote itself!

Sadly, the movie isn't perfect: Tara Reid makes a cameo. Does anyone remember why she's semi-famous? No worries, the shark eats her. No idea if it was able to keep her down.

        It's goofy, somewhat funny, and so far the best shark movie on this years list. It was truly a breath of fresh air.

Friday: We all know to root for the shark, right?

It's Where The Monsters Go

 Nightbreed: The Director's Cut
1990

Okay, I'm a little annoyed. I just bought this digital edition only to discover it's literally the same movie Prime Video offers free. It's been a long time since I watched this flick so I can't really tell if they've misslabelled the film. I'm not motivated enough to dig into it any further so...

As you know, this is based on Clive Barker's "Cabal" - a novella in the Books of Blood series. Cabal is hands down my favorite story. I read it long after seeing the movie and now seeing the film again just makes me love the novella more. I read a rumor that they were going to remake Nightbreed and I was apprehensive. Now I wish they would because the movie (or at least the version I just watched) leaves out some things that were important to certain aspects of Boone's transformation.

For instance, it's true that Boone seeks Decker's help because he has night terrors - intense nightmares where he's chased by monstrous creatures - but also because he can't be physically intimate with his girlfriend Lori. In the novella, Lori is one of the few people - if not the only person - that Boone has in his life. Her devotion to him is palpable and it aggrieves him that he can't consummate their relationship. When he dies and is reborn, he laments that he can't give her the life they deserved together (read: a family). All of this is glossed over in this cut, including the fact that they end up making love for the first time in the jail cell after she accepts him.

Anywho, I had like two pages of notes on this but now I'm pissed that I paid to watch the same movie i just saw free. Instead, I include some random observations:

Peloquin - the Midianite whose bite is the catalyst for Boone's transforation - was always sexy to me. However, I never noticed before that he's dressed kind of like a pirate.

I'm still trying to figure out what made the dog-carrying dude a Midianite. He looked hella normal to me.

There's a point in the film, while she is going Trespasser Karen in Midian, where Lori touches a wall and it bounces. Gotta love rubber sets.

Decker was very soft spoken. That right there should have been a dead give away that he was the killer.

I need Rachel's gray hooded lace cloak.